The first thing I noticed when I woke up, was the slender and warm body in my arms.

Staying still while I slept wasn’t normal for me. It wasn’t unusual for me to start the night out by holding someone, basically Kaden until last night with Kai, and roll over onto my side of the bed at some point.

That hadn’t happened. We were still in the exact same place we’d been when we’d fallen asleep, and I had to admit that I loved it.

There was something comforting about waking up with someone. There was a feeling of companionship, and trust. There was no way in hell I could ever fall asleep with someone I didn’t trust because being asleep was the ultimate form of vulnerability for me. I could protect myself when I was awake, but asleep I was completely at someone else’s mercy

The fact that I’d fallen asleep with Kai without a second thought was a bit alarming, but it was that I’d wanted to that was confusing the hell out of me.

As he’d been telling me his story about his mother and her illness, it had been on the tip of my tongue to blurt out my own demons. I’d wanted to share with him, to tell him something personal and have him know me, and know that I trusted him as much as he seemed to trust me.

Instead, I’d asked him to stay over.

I’d needed him, and not in a sexual way. I’d wanted to feel his body next to mine, to hold him close and listen to his breathing. I’d wanted him to feel safe as I pulled my own comfort from him. And that was fucking with my head.

As Kai stirred in my arms, nuzzling his face against my chest as he pressed sleepy kisses against my shirt, I smiled. He was an amazing person. He was kind, generous, humble, loyal, and hot as fuck. He’d had a rough life and hadn’t been handed anything but was working towards his goals. I had no doubt he’d achieve all of them because he was smart and driven.

I couldn’t fool myself any longer and pretend that I only wanted him as a bed partner. I liked him, could see myself falling for him, and while that was terrifying, it was also freeing.

For the first time in six years, I didn’t want to just fuck someone, I wanted to be with them.

“Zander?”

I glanced down and found Kai blinking sleepily as he looked at me.

“Hey, how did you sleep?” I asked softly, gently brushing a lock of hair back off his forehead.

“Good, really good.” His cheeks flushed as he gave me a shy smile. “Best sleep I’ve had in a long time, actually.”

“Me too.”

He opened his mouth like he was about to say something, but then closed it.

“What?”

“Nothing, it’s not important.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.” He nodded and leaned up for a kiss, which I happily gave him.

“Hungry?”

“Starving.”

And almost on cue, his stomach growled, making us both laugh.

“Come on. I’ll make us some breakfast.” I gave him another kiss and reluctantly let him go.

We climbed out of bed, and when Kai stretched I heard several bones pop.

“Ow, was that your back?”

“It was.” He nodded. “I always get stiff after dancing. That’s normal for me.”

“Sounds painful.”

“Not at all. I don’t even feel it unless I overstretch.”

Kai followed me as I made my way down to the kitchen, and when he stood in the middle of the room looking a bit lost, I grinned and pointed to the table. “Sit, I’ve got this.”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive. Now sit and tell me how you take your coffee.”

“Cream and sugar, please.” He sat and rested his elbows on the table as he leaned forward.

I turned on my coffee machine and then went to the fridge. “You like bacon and eggs?”

“Love them.”

“Toast?”

“Yes, please.”

“Great. How about you take care of the coffee, and I’ll make the food? That way I don’t burn anything.”

“I’d be happy to help you,” he offered.

“It’s fine. You do the caffeine, and I’ll do the sustenance.”

“Deal.”

As I was pulling the ingredients out of the fridge, I tried not to think about how domestic this situation was. I never had guys stay over, and I never made breakfast for anyone. A few days ago the idea of someone in my house, making coffee for me, would have horrified me. Now it was making me smile.

“How do you take yours?” Kai asked when he had two cups brewed and poured.

“Cream and sugar, about two of each.”

“You got it.”

A few moments later Kai brought me my coffee and put it on the counter where I was standing, waiting for the bacon to start sizzling.

“Thank you.” I bent my head to kiss him before he turned away, and again I was struck with how natural the move felt.

“You sure you don’t need any help?”

“You could set the table.”

Kai grinned and went to the cupboards and started rooting through them to find plates.

“Scrambled eggs okay?” I asked after taking a sip of my coffee. It was made perfectly.

“Definitely. My favorite kind.”

It didn’t take long to finish cooking, and after setting our plates down on the table, we both dug in.

I was amazed with the amount of food Kai packed away. I was a big guy, and I could eat a decent amount, but considering how small Kai was, I hadn’t expected him to eat as much as me.

“Yeah, I eat a lot.” Kai grinned shyly as he reached for more bacon. “I’ve always had a high metabolism.”

“Lucky. I have to work my ass off to burn what I eat.”

Kai laughed and took a sip of his coffee. “Well, whatever you’re doing, it’s working. Your body is incredible.”

“Thanks, so is yours.”

“I’m too skinny.” Kai blushed.

“Not to me.”

“Thanks.”

I thought it was a bit strange that Kai didn’t seem to take compliments well. Considering he was a dancer and did cam shows, I would have assumed he would constantly be flooded with them.

“How are you feeling today?” I asked cautiously.

“Good, a little sore.”

I’d meant how was he feeling emotionally after opening up to me the way he had and spending the night in my bed, but I should have been more specific.

“Sore?”

“From being on a pole all last night. It’s hard on the body, especially the legs and back. The skin behind my knees is always really tender the next day.”

“You going to be okay to dance?”

“I’ll be fine.” He nodded and finished off his bacon. “It’s a pairs night, so it’ll give me a chance to heal up.”

“What do you mean ‘pairs night’?”

“I’ll be dancing with Angel on the main stage. It’s easier when there’s two of us because we can play off each other. Plus, it’s leather night, and that’s always good for tips.”

“Leather night?”

“Yeah, all the dancers have to wear ‘leather’.” He grinned, emphasizing the word with cute air quotes. “I have a harness and a black jock that looks like leather. So add my combat boots, and I’m good to go.”

I wasn’t sure if Kai knew exactly what this conversation was doing to me. My erection was tenting the shit out of my pajama pants, but since I was still sitting at the table there was no way he could see it.

“Do you think you might come to the club at some point and see me dance?” he asked shyly, toying with his coffee cup as he did.

“I’d like to, but I think we should talk about a few things first.”

“Uh oh, that opening isn’t usually followed by anything good.”

“It’s nothing bad, just something I’ve thought about.”

“Okay.” He nodded, looking right at me as he waited for me to continue.

“I like you, Kai,” I said that part in a bit of a rush. It had been a long-ass time since I’d said that to anyone.

“I like you too, Zander.”

“And because I like you, I think we need to take things slow.”

“What do you mean?”

“I haven’t been in a relationship in years, and while I want to be with you, I have certain things I need to get over before I can fully commit.”

“So you want to see other people?”

“Not at all, sorry. That’s not what I meant.” I shook my head. This was coming out wrong. “I want to be with only you, but I can’t jump right into being boyfriends. I want to get there, but it’ll take some time.”

“That’s okay. I haven’t had a boyfriend in six years. I get it.”

Six years? Kai had been single as long as I had?

“And I want things to be different between us. Sex was always something I did. It was a way to get off and a way to deal with shit. I don’t want to fall into that with you, so I think we should take a step back, focus on getting to know each other as people.”

Kai nodded slowly. “That makes sense. We’ve had a pretty intense few meetings. If we take sex out of the equation, that would give us a chance to build something that goes beyond the physical.”

“Exactly, and I’m not saying that being intimate is off the table, but maybe we could dial it back?”

“Of course.” He smiled as he pushed his hair back off his forehead and tucked it behind his ear.

That simple move sent a rush of longing through me. There was something special about Kai, and while I’d meant every word, I still wasn’t sure I’d be able to give him everything he deserved.

“I think that’s a good idea. I’ve never taken things slow before. I’ve been single for so long my life has kind of revolved around sex. Between dancing and camming, and then the few times I have met someone I liked... it’s always about the physical. I didn’t really think about it too much until recently, but I miss the other stuff, you know?”

“Honestly, until I met you, I never missed the other stuff. I stayed the hell away from it and only wanted sex, but now...” I sighed and tried to think of a way to articulate the million thoughts that were tumbling around in my head.

“Looks like we both need something we never knew we were missing,” he said softly, his beautiful eyes locking on mine.

“Yeah.”

It was at that moment I decided to tell Kai what had happened to make me this way. A part of me was worried it would send him running for the hills, but he had the right to know so he could make his own decision of whether I was worth it or not.

“I want to tell you something, but I can’t say it here. Come to the living room with me?”

Kai nodded and took my outstretched hand.

I brought him into the living room and sat down on the couch. I didn’t think I could say the words if I was looking at him, so I leaned back against the arm and pulled him so he was settled between my legs and lying against my chest.

“Is this okay?” I asked as I wrapped my arms around his slender body. I loved how I could almost completely envelope him.

“It’s great,” he sighed, resting his hands on my arms.

“Six years ago I was engaged.”

It wasn’t the most gentle opening, and considering I didn’t say anything more and let that statement hang, I was a bit surprised when Kai didn’t react. He just sat and waited for me to continue.

“I met Kaden when we were twenty. A friend introduced us at a party and from that first conversation, I knew he was the man I was going to be with forever. We left the party and talked all night about everything and nothing. It was like a scene out of a movie, but everything about it felt right. 

“We started dating, and things got serious pretty fast. We’d said we loved each other after three weeks, we moved in together after six, and we planned a life together.”

“Sounds perfect,” Kai said softly.

“It wasn’t always.” I hugged him a bit tighter, only then realizing how hurtful my words must have sounded. I’d just said I wanted more with him, and I was going on about my ex. “We fought like any couple, and there were a few especially rough patches when we got older and were out of school.”

“How long were you together?” Kai asked when I paused. I knew he could do the math, but I appreciated him letting me talk it out now that I’d started.

“Nine years.”

“Who proposed to who?”

“I proposed to him on our five-year anniversary.”

“Sounds amazing.”

“It was. We wanted to wait until gay marriage was legal, so we didn’t have a commitment ceremony. Kaden wanted to get married once and have it be legal and ‘real’ for lack of a better word. I didn’t mind waiting. I honestly wondered if it would ever happen, but by the time the laws were passed, it was too late.”

“You broke up?” he asked quietly, his voice hesitant.

“He died.”

“Shit, Zander. I’m so sorry.”

I felt him start to shift around but held him tighter. I needed to tell him the whole story, and I couldn’t do that if he looked at me.

“Kaden was his own person. He didn’t care what people thought of him. His confidence is one of the things I loved most about him. He wore what he wanted, said what he was thinking and lived openly and honestly. Back then I was like him, in a way. I’m gay. I’ve known since I was old enough to know what attraction was. I didn’t give a fuck what people thought, and I never hid who I was.”

“Your family was okay with it?”

“My parents were. I was one of the lucky ones; I know that. They’ve always accepted me for who I am. My mom actually told me she knew before I came out to her. Later that night my dad asked if there was a boy at school I had a crush on, and I knew then that they supported me.”

“Are you still close?”

“They passed away seven years ago, in a car accident.”

“Oh, Zander...”

“Kaden got me through it. He was the only family that I had left. Without him... I honestly don’t know how I would have gotten through the grief.”

“But then he died a year later?” Kai prompted softly, squeezing my arms.

“Yes. One thing about Kaden was that he was...”

“Obviously gay?” Kai supplied.

“Very. When people looked at Kaden, they automatically assumed he was because of how he dressed and acted. With me, it’s a little harder to tell.”

“Not so much with me. Most people guess right away.” Kai sighed.

“And there’s nothing wrong with being who you are.” I gave him a bit of a squeeze, even as my throat began to tighten. This was the part of the story I hadn’t said out loud in almost a year.

“Zander?”

“We were planning on opening a restaurant together. I was going to handle the business side, and he was going to manage it. I was working for an accounting firm while we saved money and came up with a solid plan. I got the call at 3:17 p.m.”

I had to stop and take a deep breath. I needed to say it. I needed Kai to hear the whole story almost as much I had needed to tell him.

“His mom called me. He’d been attacked when he was leaving Open Arms, an LGBT youth shelter we volunteered at. Witnesses said the man called him a fag and Kaden turned and made a crack about being more man than he could ever handle, then told him to fuck off. The guy grabbed him and shoved him against the wall, and he hit his head. They’re not sure if it was the force of the impact or the angle, but it put him in a coma.”

Kai’s entire body was stiff, and I could tell he was barely breathing. Hot, wet trails streaked my cheeks, and I was grateful Kai couldn’t see me cry.

“He never woke up. After three days the doctors said he was brain-dead, but his parents kept him on life support, praying for a miracle that never happened. Two weeks later his heart stopped, and that was that. He was dead, and I was alone.”

I hugged Kai tighter and tried to keep my voice even. I had to finish the story.

“His parents had never accepted that he was gay, and they didn’t approve of us. In the nine years we were together, they never visited, and we never went to see them. I’d spoken to his mother on the phone twice before that call, and that was the last time I heard from them.”

“What do you mean?”

“I wasn’t his husband; I wasn’t anything. Legally I had no rights when it came to him or his care. It didn’t matter that we lived together or that we’d shared our lives for almost a decade, the law saw us as roommates. His parents banned me from the hospital. I wasn’t allowed to see him, not even to say goodbye. The only reason I know anything about what happened is because the detective on the case kept me informed. When he died, it went from an assault case to a murder investigation.”

“Did you at least get to go to the funeral?”

“His parents took him home to Florida to be buried. I wasn’t given any details.”

“God, Zander...”

“I was such a mess that I didn’t even think to look it up and go down there on my own. I kept reasoning that I wanted my last memory to be kissing him goodbye that morning, not him lying dead in a box...”

My voice cracked, and the sobs that I’d been holding back erupted out of me. My entire body shook from the force of them, and then Kai was holding me.

I hadn’t even felt him twist in my arms, but there he was, hugging me close, his small body against mine as he pressed his face into the crook of my neck.

He didn’t say anything. He didn’t offer useless platitudes or tell me he was sorry and it was okay to cry. He just held me, and I was able to let go and give in to what I was feeling for the first time since my breakdown in front of Rhys.

I have no idea how long we stayed like that, with Kai holding me as I let it all out. I cried until I had nothing left, but I couldn’t make myself move when the tears had finally subsided. Kai held me the entire time, his grip strong and his body comforting, and he only pulled away when I did.

“We can go as slow as you need to, Zander.”

His words almost sent me into another fit of tears. It was exactly what I needed to hear at that moment. He wasn’t running away, and he was giving me time.

“Come on, let’s go back to bed for a bit. I can only imagine how drained you are right now.” He leaned forward and gently brushed his lips over mine.

“Thank you,” I said hoarsely, suddenly exhausted.

Kai just smiled and climbed off my lap. This time he was the one who took my hand and led me to my bedroom.

We climbed into bed, and Kai immediately curled up against my body, resting his head on my chest like he had the night before. I pulled him as close as possible, drawing every bit of comfort I could from him as fatigue washed over me.

Kai was still here. I’d be okay as long as Kai stuck by me.