Chapter 9

Logan

The moment I walk inside my parents’ house, the welcoming smell of dinner makes my mouth water. Sundays mean family dinner. The only way I can miss it is if I’m dying on the side of the road. My mom believes that with how busy we are, we need to have one night together.

“Oh you’re here,” my mother says and walks over to me, giving me a kiss on both cheeks. “I heard a little something about you from Evelyn who heard this from Maria.”

My mother and her two best friends live to gossip and to talk about anything that surrounds my life.

“And what did you hear?”

With a slight smile, she squeezes my hand and tugs me to the kitchen. I sit down on the stool, resting my hands on the island counter, and watch her move around, getting the salad ready for tonight.

“Well, I heard that your new friend, Hannah, is a beauty.”

“How did they see her?”

“Well, Maria’s niece was at the bar last night and saw you with her. She told Evelyn, and then Evelyn told me. Her niece said Hannah’s very pretty.”

“She is.”

My mother claps her hands in delight. “Ah you’re not denying it. So, is she just a friend or something more? Will I get to meet her soon? How about you bring her over next week for Sunday dinner and I’ll have Mario make something special like lamb or steak. Oh! What kind of foods does she like? Does she have any allergies? Is she vegan? I’m sure Mario can come up with something that she’ll love. I cannot wait to meet…”

“Mom.” I laugh and pop a grape in my mouth.

“Yes?”

“Calm down, please. She’s a friend and just a friend. I don’t think I’ll be inviting her over for Sunday dinner.”

“Well why not?”

Oh hell.

“Just because.”

Her eyes widen in disbelief. “You know once upon a time you used to tell me everything.”

“Well, once upon a time, I was a confused teenager. I’m a grown man now, mom.”

“Doesn’t matter,” she says. “A son will always need his mother. No matter what.”

I get up from the stool, round the counter, and lean down to kiss my mother on her forehead. “I know.”

When dinner’s ready, the three of us go to the dining room and sit down together.

My father and I talk about the business while my mom listens and smiles. She’s always been the most supportive and loving woman I know. Whenever I need someone to talk to, I know I can come to her. There’s a special bond between a mother and her son. I can’t explain the bond I have with her. I love my parents equally, but there’s something special about my mom. It’s the way she understands without knowing the whole story.

When Shannon died, she stayed by my side and cleaned up after me. There were days I never got out of bed. She continually came over, even when I screamed for her to leave, but she never did. She made sure I was alive since I couldn't eat or fathom making my way out of my bedroom.

“Oh!” My mom smiles and puts down her fork and knife. “Honey, are you free next week? There’s a store opening I’d like to attend, but your father is tied up and I don’t want to go alone.”

“Mom, why don’t you go with your friends?”

“I’d like to spend some time with my son. I think it’ll be good for us to spend the day together. We can grab breakfast, drive to the store, and do some shopping. Honey, you need some more suits and shirts.”

“Where’s the store?”

“New York City.” Her wide smile fills her face and I know I can’t say no to her now.

“Sounds like fun.” I try to maintain a non-dreadful tone. “Spending the day with my mom, shopping in the city. A grown man’s ideal day.”

“Oh, hush, Logan.” She waves me off and I stare at my father for some support. That bastard’s too busy eating his dinner to help me.

I’ll remember that.

“Oh. Mom, did you ever use those tickets I gave you? For Wicked? It includes backstage passes and a rather nice VIP package. Those tickets weren’t easy to get.”

She claps her hands together.

“Sweetheart,” my father sighs, looks at me with disdain, then at my mom. “We should go. The show is coming to town soon. Helen mentioned it to me and we must go.”

“Anything for you, dear.”

My father looks at me when mom leaves the room, and I challenge him to say something.

“Touché, son. Touché.”

I smirk and finish my dinner before heading out to meet the guys at Mex for drinks.

“Yo!” Lincoln calls out for me and I see him with Cal. I wanted to knock Cal’s ass out for making me come out to this bar. Of all the bars in Rochester, they had to choose Mex—the bar Paige works at.

Since we’re outside, there’s a good chance she won’t know I’m here. Tonight without drama sounds damn good.

I make my way to their table and Lincoln hands me a beer. “Drink up, Princess.”

“Suck it, asshole,” I mutter and pace myself.

A few guys we know make their way to our table. They’re good people; we keep in touch here and there. The only guys I trust and am close to are Lincoln and Cal.

“I saw Eden tonight before I got here. She told me something pretty interesting, but I'm keeping it to myself and waiting for your reaction tomorrow.”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“Nah,” he offers with a laugh. “It'll be better for you to find out for yourself.”

“I don't have time for this bullshit game. What's going on?”

Lincoln pats my shoulder like a fucking child and I push him away. Fucking idiot.

Cal comes over with a blonde on his arm. She’s looking at Lincoln and me, licking her lips.

“Hi, guys.”

“Hey,” Lincoln and I both say before turning back and ignoring her.

“So what’s up with you and Eden?” I ask.

Lincoln smiles and I’m happy for him. It’s been a while since he’s found someone to make him grin like that.

“She’s amazing. I took her home last night and she spent the night. She cooked for me and we talked. Really talked.”

“That’s good. I’m happy for you.”

Cal comes back with our beers, without the blonde, and we shoot the shit about work and the girls he's seeing.

“Ever think about calming the hell down?” Lincoln asks.

“Are you shitting me?” Cal laughs. “Easy pussy. I'm too young for that settling down crap.”

“Right,” Lincoln says.

“Get off your high horse. Just because you got someone doesn't mean I need to. I'm good where I am.”

“So this isn't about getting over Angela?” I raise a brow.

“No,” he calmly whispers. “Anyways, enough of this girly shit. I'm good, boys, so don't worry about me, but please tell me Hannah's single and wants to mingle. She's so hot. Really sweet girl, and damn hot.”

I don’t respond and drink my beer. Hannah is hot, but she’s also innocent and adorable as fuck.

“I wanted to take her back to my place so bad.”

“Shut up.” Anger shoots up my body and I grip the plastic cup tighter. I point a warning glance at Cal. He needs to drop the topic of Hannah. Like this second.

“What?” Cal laughs, looking at Lincoln then at me. “Come on. You know she’s hot. Her pussy’s probably just as sweet as she is.”

I’m out of my seat so fast and in his face that Lincoln comes around and stands behind me. “Shut the hell up, Cal. Don’t talk about her that way,” I yell. I take a deep breath to get myself under control. The anger isn’t subsiding and boils over. “Stay away from her. She’s too good for you. For me. For any of us. Do. I. Make. Myself. Clear.”

Cal doesn’t back away. The amusement plays on his face with a shit-eating grin. He puts his hands up and places them on my shoulders. “Calm down, beast. I’m not trying to get my ass kicked tonight. She’s gotten under your skin, huh?”

Lincoln pulls me away and tells Cal to back off. I’m off my damn game. I never lose my cool like that, especially not with my boys.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” I tell him. Even though I’m directing my words at Cal, it feels as though I’m saying them to myself.

“Uh-huh. Right.”

“Hannah’s untouchable. She’s sweet and good. Stay away from her.” I keep my tone low and harsh.

“I got it.”

I don’t miss the enjoyment in Cal’s voice and I brush off that asshole’s shit. I finish my beer and stick around for another hour before heading back home.

The moment I get home, I head straight to my kitchen and grab a bottle of whiskey. My thoughts are rushing through me and I can’t quiet the memories. I slam the bottle on the counter and grip the porcelain until I see the whites in my knuckles. I take another drink and close my eyes, willing the memories to go away. After a few calming breaths, I head upstairs to my empty bedroom.

The recurring nightmare jolts me out of bed. My eyes quickly open and my heart rapidly beats with anguish against my chest. It takes me a moment to remember where I am. All the air whooshes out of my lungs and I clench my chest to fight the panic attack looming nearby. Several seconds pass before I regain composure and the agony rushing through my body settles deep inside.

The anguished breathing fully wakes me up. I get out of bed, pad through my bedroom, and stumble outside onto the balcony. The laziness of the night seeps through to my veins and, in this moment, I’m okay. The nightmare leaves my conscious body and I’m rendered pain- and guilt-free. It’s in this moment clarity hits me and I remind myself to breathe.

When I walk back inside, where memories of Shannon and our love lies, I crawl into bed and prop myself up on my forearms, laying on my side, and gazing at the empty space next to me. It’s undisturbed and has been since I lost her.

The familiar ache in my heart slowly comes back and it reminds me of what I lost and what I’ll never have again. When you find true love and it’s stolen from you, there’s no more believing in the good and beauty of life. Nothing matters. No amount of money will make me feel better. No amount of women will satisfy my hunger for Shannon.

And Hannah comes to mind.

With my heart and mind still attached to Shannon, I can’t allow myself to be involved with her. It won’t be fair to her. I can’t treat Hannah the way I treated Paige. It’s unfair and only hurt can come from getting too involved with her.

I grab my phone from my nightstand and look at her contact name. Hannah with a heart emoji – her doing, not mine. She’s the lightness I need, but can’t have.

Sleep isn’t coming back tonight. I push the covers off my body and swing my legs over the bed again. When my feet touch the coolness of my bedroom floor, I get up and walk to my closet. My hand lingers on the doorknob for a moment before I turn the knob and stare up on the shelf. The hidden box whispers for me. I don’t hesitate, so I grab the box and settle down against my bedroom wall. My legs sprawl out as I open the box and take out the framed pictures of Shannon and me.

We’re standing on the beach in Aruba with the clear-blue ocean behind us. Our honeymoon. Three weeks of love and pure joy.

The next framed picture is of us at senior prom. Both moments still play in my mind.

I reach over, grab the framed picture from our honeymoon, and trace her beautiful face with the tip of my index finger.

“I can’t sleep again, baby. You’re on my mind, and I’m wondering what you’re doing.”

I glance at my alarm clock on my night stand and see the time—4:27 a.m.

“If I know you like I know I do, you’re peacefully sleeping. You’re lying on your side with one hand under the pillow and your lips slightly parted. I can hear your little snores, and I miss that sound. I fucking miss you.”

I stare at the picture a little longer than I normally do and bring it to my lips, pressing it tightly against the glass.

After she passed away, months dragged by before I went to her grave. In the two years since she’s been gone, I’ve visited her a handful of times. Losing someone you love with your whole heart isn’t easy. How does one get over the loss of their wife? It’s not possible. When I go to her grave, the realization she’s not there hits me harder and throws me in a drunken bender, and I lose myself for a few days before returning to my normal self.

I get back into bed and hug the picture frame to my chest. The heaviness of my eyelids pushes my eyes closed and I slowly find sleep again.

“Sing me to sleep, baby,” I whisper and close my eyes, holding the frame with everything I have.

Morning comes all too soon. With only a few hours of sleep, I quickly get ready and grab my coffee thermos from the counter and head to work, ignoring the headache from last night’s drinking.

When I rush through the office, I feel an electric pull and I can’t shake it. I’m about to go see my father when I notice he has someone in there. I forgot he has a new assistant starting.

Shit, what’s her name?