Chapter 2

Logan

The dark, amber liquid stares at me with a seductive smile and streams over my tongue with an addictive flavor. It flows easily with each movement of my hand, swirling around the glass, capturing my sight, and yearning for my lips.

Each sip represents an escape route from my own head. It creates a path, a trail I can follow, where I forget and my world turns black. It’s the only thing I can count on to take me away from the memories that haunt me.

I need to drink more.

When the pain becomes unbearable, which happens regularly, I escape with whiskey, my own personal taste of purgatory. The comforting numbness pushes aside reality and, for that moment, I forget about her. My mind goes numb to her smile and how she would make me weak with desire and love. I go blank about the man I used to be; I forget her.

I simply forget.

“Logan,” she purrs and slides her hand down my abdomen before unbuttoning my jeans. She props herself on top of the bed and leans over to me. “I want to make you happy. Let me take it all away.”

“Less talking,” I mumble in my alcohol-induced fog and gladly welcome her warm mouth around my dick. “Do what you want.” Placing my hands behind my head, I watch her greedy lips slide down over my cock. Sucking and licking. The slurping sounds fill my ears and I see some spit pooling around her lips.

I reach over and grab the bottle of whisky from the nightstand, bring it to my lips, and drown myself as the dry liquid lights up my throat with that burn I love so much. It’s all too familiar and I welcome it. This is where I’m comfortable. It’s the only place I don’t have to face the pain or guilt. My body's weightless and the guilt is gone.

Gone.

Gone.

Gone.

I open my eyes and her head is bobbing up and down on my erection. Her tongue swirls around the tip before going down again, so far down I hit the back of her throat.

“Shannon, babe, keep going.”

She tilts her head, sucks the tip, and grabs my balls with her hand. Her growls vibrate on my dick and it feels so damn good.

“Almost there,” I mutter, and I fist my fingers in her hair and push her head down lower. When her silky, wet throat strokes me again, she starts gagging while tightly gripping the tops of my thighs.

She pulls away from my cock and stares up at me, her breaths coming in short pants. “You called me Shannon.”

I quickly blink. My vision focuses and I'm staring at Paige-not Shannon. Leaning my head against the cool, wooden headboard, I let out a regretful sigh and furiously rub my face.

“Shit. I’m sorry, Paige.”

When Paige came back to town a year after I lost Shannon, she gave me someone to turn to. She fully understood my pain. Not only did I lose my wife and other half, she lost her sister and her best friend. We shared a pain no one understood. Losing Shannon was our connection.

One night, I was on a drinking bender, and when I got home, I saw Paige outside my house. My mind went blank and I thought it was Shannon. Without thinking, I took her inside my house and fucked her against the wall. From that night on, we came up with an agreement.

For two fucked-up people, we’re made for each other.

There’s no love or tender shit. We use each other for our own selfish pleasures. It’s a simple arrangement we have. I comfort her the only way I know how, and she gives me what I need. For the time I’m with Paige, I’m with Shannon too, and as fucked up as it all seems, it’s the only thing I know how to do.

“It’s okay.” She runs her fingers down my chest. “I already told you I’m fine with you calling me by her name. If it helps you take away the sadness, then that makes me happy.”

Before I can say anything, her mouth returns to my cock and I close my eyes, pushing away Paige’s face and voice from my head.

Shannon—all I see is her. She’s all I feel. She’s all I want.

Her sleek, black hair covers her face, so I gather it in a ponytail. I can't take my eyes off her. Her mouth covers my cock again and I use the grip I have on her hair to control the speed and how far I want her to go down.

“Shannon, I’m almost there,” I moan, and a second later I shoot my load down her throat and keep her there until she swallows every last drop. She willingly takes it all, and when I let her go, she gives my cock a final look before straightening herself up.

“God, I fucking love you, Logan.”

Realization hits me again.

Paige.

Paige.

Paige.

“Not tonight.” I push her away and swing my legs over the bed, sitting up to avoid her stare. My feet land on the cool hardwood floor, and I sit on the edge of the bed, prop my forearms on my thighs, and let out a violent sigh. I feel her intense gaze on me so I quickly get up and grab my jeans and tee lying on the floor. Once I have my clothes on, I lean down to the nightstand and take the glass of whiskey with me. When I bring the glass to my lips, I tip it back until the last drop hits my tongue.

Without looking down at Paige, I walk away from the bed and head toward the kitchen to pour myself another glass of whiskey. The creaking of the hardwood floor grows closer. She wraps her warm, tiny arms around my middle from behind and I let her hold me for a few moments. Right now, standing here with her, not seeing her face, reminds me of Shannon and how she'd feel.

“Why can't you love me the way I love you?” she asks softly while pressing her lips against my shoulder. The pleading in her voice isn't new. “I can give you the life you want. The life we deserve. You know I can make you happy. I've seen you at the lowest and I still love you and want you. I've shown you I can handle you at your worst, so please gimme your best.”

She's loved me since we were younger. I thought the crush was innocent and would go away. As time went on, I saw she wasn’t going anywhere and her crush had turned into more, only I refused to love her. I couldn’t love her.

My heart doesn't belong to her. It'll never belong to anyone again.

I gently pull her arms away and turn to face her. “Don't do this tonight.”

“I need to understand what this is between us.”

“This is an agreement between us as a way to heal. I'm sorry I can't love you the way you want me to. I care about you, Paige. This is all I can give you. I'm not sure how else to be or what to do.” I press my finger to my heart a few times and ball my fist, hitting my chest once more. “My heart's too fucked up.”

Paige immediately looks down at her hands and nods. Slowly, she tips her head up to me. “It's fine.” Her voice is small, and with a kiss on my hands, she shuffles away to get ready for her shift at a nearby bar.

“Paige?” I head to the bathroom but the sight of her wiping her eyes has me stopping in the doorway.

I hate being like this to her.

Yet I am anyway.

It’s what I know.

“I'm fine,” she mutters and rubs her eyes with both hands. “Don't act like you're the only one in pain. It hurts me, too, you know? This is the second year without her and you’re acting like it doesn’t hurt me, too. I have just as much guilt as you do. But we have each other and that's what matters, so don't push me away. I've been the only person by your side.”

“Yeah,” I agree with her.

“Maybe someday you’ll love me, Logan.”

“Being with you is already fucked up. Let's not add to it.”

“All I want is for you to want me. To love me. To let me in. I can make you feel better.” Her fingers run through my hair, but I keep my arms by my sides, my hands balling into fists.

“Stop,” I warn her. “I already told you how I feel. Don't push me, Paige. Tonight's not the night.”

“Okay. Fine. I need to get to work. Thirsty Thursday. I guess that’s what the cool kids are calling it these days.” I know she’s trying to lighten the mood between us.

“Yeah. I guess.”

She lets go of me and walks over to the sink in her bathroom. Neither of us says anything and I’m not sure if there’s anything left to say.

“I'm sorry,” I honestly tell her, and I turn so I'm looking at her reflection in the mirror. “After tonight we should stop. This isn't healthy for either of us. I need to learn how to move on with my life and you deserve happiness. We can't keep doing this to each other.”

“I need you just as much as you need me.” She spins around to face me, curling her fingers over the edge of the sink behind her, and maintaining her focus on me. “I'll do whatever you want. I'll be whoever you need me to be. It's just us, Logan.”

“I can’t.”

I’m not a bad guy. I can’t give her what she wants. I can’t give any woman what they want. This is who I am and who I’ve grown to be over the past two years.

I give her a nod and let her get ready. The car keys are on the counter, and I realize I should go home before she comes out of the bathroom wanting to talk more. Fumbling with my steps, I grip the counter and let my head hang low. My breathing quickens and my heart breaks again. It shatters and I miss her. I miss it all.

“Come on.” I feel her hand on my shoulder. “I'll drive you home in your car. Melissa's gonna pick me up from there.”

“Let's go.”

I grab my things and head out, following her down the stairs of her apartment building. Once we're outside, the cool May air relaxes me and I can breathe. I savor the light wind against my skin. It filters in through my nose, trails down into my lungs, and fills me with a deep sense of unusual peace.

The drive to my house is quick. Neither of us talks. What more is there to say? She knows where I stand.

When she parks my car, I turn to look at her, taking in her features. Her dark eyes and smooth skin—fuck, I can't see straight. I know it's Paige, but I see someone else. I feel someone else.

She leans over the center console and whispers against my lips. “I'll call you tomorrow morning. I'm working late tonight, but if you need me, you know where to find me.” There's a pause before she speaks again. “Be good, Logan.”

We're both out of my car when Melissa pulls in, Paige walks over, and climbs into her vehicle. I watch them leave and then I continue to stand in the middle of my driveway, staring at nothing, hearing nothing, feeling nothing.

As usual, the house is quiet when I go inside. There's no one here to greet me or ask me how I'm doing. Maybe this is karma greeting me with a vengeful smile, letting me know this is what I put Shannon through, so now it's my turn to feel the absolute pain of being alone. Leaning back on the couch, I stare at the empty beige walls. If I keep staring maybe the answers I’m looking for will come to me. Maybe everything I’m feeling is actually a nightmare and when I wake up I’ll turn over and see Shannon smiling at me. I keep staring at the walls. Those damn clean walls. I lose the staring contest and what I’m looking for doesn’t come to me. I’m still here… in the present… without Shannon.

I miss it all.

Now, all I feel is emptiness and cold. I feel hollow and the weight of guilt from that night. I'm alone in my own personal hell. Drowning in its fiery depths, struggling for my next breath. I welcome the pain. I fucking need the pain. Not wanting to sit here anymore, I get up, and head outside where I can try to clear my head. Memories hit me like a semi-truck, and I’m tossed backward when I walk down the stairs of my deck, and stand on the edge of my pool. The silent night greets me as I look down at the clear water.

The humidity in the air clings onto its invisible strings, swinging through the beauty of the night. I lift my face to the night sky, watching the stars remain, and wonder if Shannon’s looking down at me. Wherever she is, I hope she’s at peace.

My phone vibrates in my pocket, bringing me out of my own mind. When I reach in to get it, I notice the name flashing on my iPhone. All the anxiety I’m feeling slowly dissipates, and there’s a calmness resting on my shoulders. I take a few moments to look at her name, taking it in, and unlock my phone to read her text message.

Hannah: Hey stranger. Whatcha up to?

Me: Hey. Nothing too much. Just got home. Hanging out. What are you doing?

Hannah: Doing a little pre graduation celebrating! Eden and me are out with some friends. Can you believe that in less than 24 hours I’ll be a college graduate?

Me: That’s awesome. It’s a great accomplishment. I wish I could be there and cheer for you.

I hesitate to press send. Why would I be there on her graduation? My eyes slowly run over each word. Internalizing the meaning. Internalizing what I want it to mean.

Without any more thinking I press send and get an instant response.

Hannah: Aw, that’s so sweet. How about once I get settled in you can take me out for a celebratory dinner lol.

Me: Sounds good.

Hannah: Eden’s giving me the stink eye so I should probably get going. I’ll see you soon!

Me: See ya. Be safe tonight.

Hannah: Of course!