CHAPTER 22
Ainsleigh
I ’d heard the heated voices outside two days ago between my siblings, father, and Gentry. Only none of them would elaborate on what the discussion was about. All I knew was that everyone was on edge, which put me on edge. I shouldn’t have worried about what had happened. They were all stubborn men who wanted the best for me. But I couldn’t help but want everyone in my life to get along. I had a feeling that the discussion was about me and my pregnancy, but again, nobody would confirm or deny. All I knew was that if one of them asked me how I was feeling one more time, I was going to scream. They were all acting like I was the only one in the world to ever get pregnant. Their concern was starting to be passed along to me, and that wasn’t good for me or the baby.
The only one I couldn’t seem to fuss at when he asked how I was doing was Holden. Every time he looked at me, I could tell he was thinking back to the day we lost Arabella. I wanted him to think of the present and the future. Not dwell on a time in our past when our family suffered so much pain. I thought about it day in and day out, but I needed him to treat me the same way he’d treated me before he found out about this baby. We needed one of our nights in. I knew that Aspen and Dylan were going out tonight, so I plotted my plan out and sent him a text to see if he’d agree to having a night in with me. Just he and I. Like we used to when we were younger.
Me: What’cha up to tonight?
He replied almost immediately.
Holden: Not sure yet. What’s up?
Me: Well, me and this pint of ice cream would like some company. Wanna come by and watch a movie with me? Just the two of us.
I sat the phone down as the office phone rang. Once I was finished explaining our prices to the customer and booking their tour dates, I picked up my phone to see if Holden had replied.
Holden: Sure. Nothing girly, though. I can’t have the guys picking on me again for watching some chick flick.
I let out a laugh. The last time we’d had a movie night in when I was heavily pregnant with Arabella, I’d conned him into watching The Notebook and our brothers found out. They didn’t let him live it down for days.
My dad heard the commotion from my loud outburst and stuck his head out of his office.
“You okay out there, baby girl?”
“Yeah, Dad. Just laughing at something Holden said.”
“Don’t go getting that boy distracted while he’s out on a tour. You know the rules,” he said with a smile.
“Sir, yes, sir,” I replied as I jokingly saluted him.
He mumbled something about his smart-ass children before he walked into his office.
It was his fault we were all smart asses. We learned from the best of them.
I texted Holden letting him know I promised no such thing and set off to finish getting the books balanced before I left for the day.
The clock struck five before I knew it. The afternoons tended to pass by rather quickly here lately, and I hurried to save all the files before I shut my computer down for the day.
The bell above the door sounded, and I turned around quickly to see who had arrived, almost losing my balance in the process.
I caught myself from falling by bracing my hands on the desk as I untangled my feet from each other.
“Easy there, sweet girl,” Gentry replied as he rushed over to where I stood behind the desk.
He took my hand and held on tight as I regained my footing.
“I swear, I’ve been a klutz today,” I replied as I smiled over at him and grabbed my purse.
“Just today?” he replied with a laugh as he walked me to the door.
“Ha, ha. You’re funny. What brings you by here? I usually meet you at the barn.”
“Can’t a guy surprise his girl every now and then?”
“He sure can,” I replied as I stopped in front of the door to key in the code for the alarm.
We walked out the door hand in hand, and he took the key from me to make sure the door was locked before we started in the direction for his truck.
“I’ve got plans with Holden tonight,” I told him as we got in his truck.
“He told me earlier. I’m gonna go home and get a shower. Then I’m gonna get up with Brooks and Leo,” he replied as he backed out of the parking space.
Immediately, my brain went on high alert. Just two days ago they were all at each other’s throats.
Did they clear the air already?
Were they just going to argue more?
I couldn’t have that. But selfishly, I wanted this time with Holden. Even if that meant that Gentry would be spending time with my other two brothers.
“I can hear you worrying from here, pretty girl. Stop. There’s nothing to worry about. We’re just going to have a couple of beers and hang out at their house.”
“You sure you guys are okay? I can’t have you all fighting anymore.”
“We’re good. We’re guys. We hash it out and move on,” he replied as he tried to reassure me. I’d have to take him at his word, even if in the back of my mind I wondered if that were truly the case.
“If you say so.”
“I do say so. What are you and Holden going to do tonight?”
“Eat some pizza and ice cream and watch a movie.”
“Please make him watch another chick flick. That shit would be priceless.”
“We’ll see. I don’t know if I should make him suffer through another one this time,” I replied with a laugh.
“I’ll never get tired of hearing that sound.”
“What?”
“Your laughter is one of the most precious sounds there is. I missed it almost as much as I missed you.”
I blushed at his response. I hoped I never got tired of him wooing me and surprising me with his romantic gestures. Looking at him, you’d never think he’d say such things. His was tall and muscular from working on the ranch. But he surprised me at every turn by saying the sweetest things at the perfect time.
“You might want to gain control of the redness in your cheeks. That turns me on more than you’ll ever know, pretty girl,” he replied with a sexy grin causing the redness in my cheeks to grow brighter than it was before.
I turned away and tried to hide it as he pulled into the driveway of our home.
Our home.
I’d probably never grow tired of hearing those words either.
I never thought we’d get to this point in our lives.
Yet we had.
And I couldn’t be happier right now if I tried.
“What’cha smiling at?” he asked as we slid out of his truck and walked up the steps to go inside the house.
“No reason. Just smiling.”
We walked through the front door and almost ran right into Aspen and Dylan. They were dressed to go out. Dylan was in a button-down and khakis, and Aspen was in a mini dress with matching pink heels.
“Damn, girl. You look amazing,” I replied as they backed up so we could enter the house.
“Why, thank you,” she replied as a grin formed from ear to ear.
“I won’t be able to keep my hands off her, that’s for sure,” Dylan replied as he pulled her closer to him.
“Let’s hope not,” I heard Aspen mumble under her breath. She’d become frustrated with him wanting to take things slow. But I told her that all good things come to those who wait.
“Have fun, you two,” I replied as I winked at Aspen when they walked past.
“Those two seem to be happy,” Gentry stated as he took his shirt off while he kicked his boots off at the door.
I was too caught up in staring at his shirtless form to reply.
“You looking at me like that isn’t going to get me in the shower and out the door to meet your brothers,” he replied.
“Huh? Looking at you like what?” I replied as I batted my eyelashes and walked toward him, cornering him between me and the door.
I took my finger and traced the outline of his abs down to the top of his pants.
“Not fair, pretty girl,” he replied with a chuckle as he sidestepped around me and walked toward our bedroom.
“You’re no fun, Mr. Parkhurst,” I screamed after him as I went into the kitchen to prepare the pizza.
The buzzer for the oven went off as Gentry walked into the kitchen. Water still dripped down his chest as he ran a towel through his hair, and another towel was wrapped around his waist.
My mouth watered at the sight.
“You know you’re not playing fair, right?” I asked him as I took the pizza and placed it in the oven.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about?” he replied with a grin.
Yeah right.
He knew damn well what he was doing.
I gave him a knowing look that told him I knew exactly what his game plan was.
“I need to give you something to think about while I’m gone,” he replied as he took the towel from around his waist and tossed it in my direction.
I caught the soft, white cotton in my hands just in time to get a glimpse of his sexy backside walking down the hall.
My phone buzzed in my purse breaking my concentration.
I dug through my purse and retrieved my phone as I leaned against the counter.
Holden texted to let me know he’d be here in ten minutes.
If it wasn’t for that text, I’d show Gentry just how two could play at his game.
The timer to the oven went off just as a knock sounded on the front door, and Gentry came down the hallway dressed in a fitted white t-shirt and a pair of loose fitting blue jeans. Damn, that man. He could make wearing a paper bag look good.
“I got the door,” he called out.
I put on the oven mitt and grabbed the metal tray from the confines of the oven. As I placed it on top of the stove to cool, Holden walked into the kitchen.
He walked up behind me and pulled me in for a hug.
“Hey, sis. How are...?” I placed my hand over his mouth to keep him from continuing the question he’d already asked me twice today.
“You’re not allowed to ask me how I’m feeling. You’ve already met your quota for today,” I told him.
“I’m just trying to look out for you,” Holden replied as he pulled back.
“And I love you for that. But you’re going to drive me nuts if you keep asking me.”
“She’s full of herself. Have fun tonight,” Gentry replied as he pulled me away from Holden, who still had his hand wrapped around my back.
He placed a gentle kiss on my lips, but I had other plans. I deepened the kiss as I placed my hand on the back of his head so he couldn’t retreat.
“Enough of that shit. I don’t need to see you two making out in front of me,” Holden replied as he made gagging sounds behind us.
“Drive safe and have fun,” I told him as I pulled him in for one more kiss.
“Always.”
I watched him grabbed his keys off the table by the door and slid on his boots before he walked out the door.
“I’m going to go change. I want to be comfortable while we eat and watch the movie. Do you mind cutting the pizza for me?”
“Sure. Hurry back or there might not be any left for you. I’m starving.”
I raced down the hall and into our room. He wasn’t joking. He’d always been the one to out eat all of the brothers when we were younger. My mother swore he had a bottomless pit of a stomach because he never seemed to get enough food. And he somehow managed to be the smallest of the three brothers.
I took off my jeans and top and replaced them with a pair of sweats and a tank top. My go-to attire for relaxing.
I threw my hair into a messy bun and went in the direction the kitchen. Holden placed two slices of pizza on each of our plates and was walking into the living room when I reached the end of the hallway. I went in the kitchen and retrieved two cans of soda from the fridge. I was limited on the amount of caffeine I could have a day, but I needed something other than water to drink.
I sat down on the couch next to him with my legs underneath me as I placed the drinks on the table and grabbed my plate.
Holden had a worried look on his face as he put his plate in his lap and turned toward me.
“Go on and get it out so we can enjoy our night,” I told him as I took a bite of the supreme pizza.
“What?”
“You know what. I know you’ve got something on your mind. You were never good at hiding your emotions. So get it out in the open.”
He let out a sigh, and I knew this conversation was going to be deep.
“I’m worried. How can I not be? I saw you that day. I held you in my arms and thought we were going to lose you both. And then you left, and we never had the chance to talk about any of it. I didn’t know what to say to you that I hadn’t already said. I’ve never talked about any of it with any one,” he replied as he took a bite of pizza. I could see the unshed tears as they pooled in his eyes, and tears formed within my own.
“You never told anyone? That’s not good for you, Holden,” I replied, feeling like the hypocrite I knew I was. He’d done the same thing I’d done.
“Like it wasn’t good for you?” he threw back in my face, and I deserved the words. This talk had been a long time coming.
“It wasn’t any good for me. I bottled the pain, and it wasn’t healthy. I’ve just began healing, and it’s been four years. I’ve just allowed myself to fully grieve for her, and it’s so damn hard. The hurt and pain I’ve felt every day is now at the forefront of my mind instead of in the recesses where I kept it hidden unless I was alone.”
“Can I see them?” he asked, and I cocked my head to the side questioning what he meant.
“The tattoos. I know you have them. Gentry told us about them one day.”
I placed the now half empty plate on the table and turned around. Her handprint was on my left shoulder. I jumped at his soft touch as he took the tip of his finger and traced each and every line of her tiny handprint. Once he was finished, he placed his hand on top of hers and let out a shaky breath. I let him have his moment as he grieved the niece he lost that day.
When he pulled his hand back, I took that as my cue to turn around. The tears that pooled at the bottom of his eyelids now freely flowed down his cheeks. In all my years, this was the second time I’d seen him cry. The first was when we’d lost Arabella.
I lifted up my right foot and placed it in his lap to show him the footprint that was forever etched on my skin. Just like before, he traced each and every line with the tip of his finger. Only this time, I could see the expression on his face as he took in the black piece of art. The tattoo artist made it look so realistic that it took my breath away every time I looked down and saw it.
I stayed as still as I could until he was finished, and he looked up at me.
I’d never seen him this broken before.
“I’m sorry,” he choked out as the emotion took him over and he wept.
I pulled my foot from his lap and pulled him into a hug. He broke down even further in my arms. My strong and loving brother sobbed while I held him and tried not to break down myself. I rubbed his back to comfort him as he let every tear fall.
“I should’ve done more,” he said between the sobs.
“Hey, you couldn’t have done any more than you did. None of us could,” I said as I pulled back and placed my hands on either side of his face, making him look up at me.
“You can’t do that to yourself anymore, Holden. There’s no blame to place. Especially on you.”
“You don’t blame me?”
“I never once blamed you. You didn’t cause me to lose her. I placed that blame solely on myself until just recently.”
“Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night swearing I can still feel your blood on my arms. I scrub and scrub, but it’s still there. That day haunts me,” he confessed.
Shit.
I never knew.
I should’ve known.
I should’ve been here to help him through this.
To help all of them through this.
The way I knew they would’ve helped me.
Running did this.
All I could do now was try to help him through it the same way Gentry was helping me through my grief.
“I’m so sorry I wasn’t here for you, Holden. So damn sorry,” I replied as my tears won their battle and started to flow freely from my eyes.
It was his turn to pull me in for a hug.
I shut my eyes as the tears continued to fall and held on tight to the brother who I always shared a special bond.
We cried for the little girl we both lost.
We cried for the time we’d never get back.
We cried for all the heartache we’d endured.
But most of all, we cried for the pain we’d yet to share.
We pulled back moments later, and I couldn’t help but chuckle at the sight of us.
“We’re quite the pair, aren’t we?” I joked as I wiped the tears from my face.
“We sure are. Sorry for the breakdown. I didn’t want tonight to go that way.”
“Hey. Don’t do that. We needed to let it out. Is there anything else you want to tell me?”
“I’m just worried about you. About this pregnancy.”
“I am too. I try not to be since stress isn’t good for me. But it’s still there. I’ll feel better next week when we get to see him or her and I can see for myself that everything is okay.”
“You’ll tell me if anything’s wrong, right? At any moment. I don’t care what time of day or night it is.”
“You sound just like Gentry.”
“I’m serious, Ainsleigh. I can’t take it if something else happens. I barely survived last time.”
“I promise to tell you. Would you like to go with us next week?”
“Isn’t that a time for just you and Gentry? I don’t want to impose.”
I could tell at the mere suggestion that he liked the idea with the way his eyes lit up.
“You wouldn’t be imposing. You’d be there supporting us.”
“As long as Gentry doesn’t mind, I’d love to be there. I’ve never experienced something like that.”
“I’m sure he won’t mind. I’ll let him know.”
“I love you, Ainsleigh,” he replied as he leaned against the back of the couch.
“And I love you, big brother. Now how about some ice cream and a movie.”
“Yes, to the ice cream, but no to the movie if you want to watch a chick flick. I can’t take that shit,” he said with a laugh. I was glad the mood lightened. I hoped Gentry didn’t mind if he tagged along. It looked like he needed the reassurance that everything was okay with this baby as much as Gentry and I did.
“No chick flick. Tonight. No promises for future movie nights. How about American Sniper?”
“Now that I can handle. I’ll find the movie. You grab the ice cream.”
“Deal,” I replied as I hopped off the couch.
I made us both a bowl of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and walked into the living room just as Holden pressed play on the movie.
I finished the bowl before the movie even began and laid my head in Holden’s lap just like I used to. And just like he used to, he pulled my hair out of the hair tie and began to play with my hair.
All was right with the world at this moment.
I felt like I finally had my brother back.
Halfway through the movie I felt myself drift off to sleep.
Only this time, I slept soundly. More soundly than I had while I was away.
I woke to the sound of keys in the lock of the door.
Groggily, I sat up and wiped my face with my hands. Looking over, I noticed that Holden had fallen asleep as well. He looked so peaceful while he slept.
I walked over to the doorway just as Gentry unlocked the door and entered the house.
“You look like you just woke up, pretty girl. How was movie night?”
“It was good. We had a long, overdue chat, and I stayed awake for half of the movie,” I said as I wrapped my arms around his waist. I just needed to be in his arms. Feel safe from his touch alone.
“You okay?” he asked with a worried tone.
“I am now,” I said as I snuggled into his chest even more.
“How about we lock up and head to bed? You gonna wake him or let him sleep here?”
“I’ll let him sleep here. I’m gonna grab him a blanket from the closet. Can you let Brooks and Leo know he’s staying? We don’t need a search party in the morning?”
From past experiences, my brothers and parents would be here at the crack of dawn searching for him if he didn’t make it home.
“Sure thing,” he replied as he kissed the top of my head and stepped around me to take his boots off.
I went to the closet and grabbed Holden a pillow and a soft blanket so he’d at least be comfortable.
Quietly, I walked over to the couch where he slept and tapped him on the shoulder so he could stretch out.
“Yeah,” he grumbled, still mostly asleep.
“Lay down, Holden. I’ve got you a pillow and a blanket. You can sleep on the couch here tonight.”
“Thanks, sis,” he replied as he slipped off his shoes and got comfortable on the couch.
I slipped the pillow under his head and covered him with the blanket.
“Love you,” I whispered as I placed a kiss on top of his head.
“Love you too,” he whispered as he drifted back to sleep.
I shut off the lights as I made my way down the hallway to mine and Gentry’s bedroom.
Aspen and Dylan hadn’t made it home yet, and I was giddy about the fact that they were still out having the time of their lives.
I walked into the room and shut the door behind me.
I was exhausted from the work day and the emotional conversation with Holden.
I pulled back the comforter and climbed into bed as I waited for Gentry to come out of the bathroom.
Just as I got comfortable on my left side, he emerged with only a pair of boxer briefs on.
If I wasn’t so tired, I’d take advantage of him being nearly naked.
He climbed into bed, and once he was situated I snuggled into his side.
“Why do you look like you’ve been crying?” he asked as he shut off the bedside lamp.
“Holden and I had a much-needed talk. It got emotional, but it was long overdue.”
“He didn’t upset you about the pregnancy, did he?”
“Not at all. He’s just worried. He told me some things he still suffers with, and it broke my heart. Would you mind if he came with us on Tuesday? I think he needs to see this baby is okay just as much as we do. He’s still grieving hard over Arabella’s loss,” I asked as I sat up enough to look over at him.
“Of course, he can. I’m sorry he’s still hurting. He never said anything to me,” Gentry replied as he pulled me in closer to him.
I rested my head on his shoulder.
“He never told anybody. The things he confessed tonight were deep. He needed me, and I wasn’t here. That hurt the most,” I confessed.
“You’re here now, and you can be here for him as much as he’ll allow. You can’t dwell on what could’ve been, pretty girl. It’ll eat you alive if you try,” he replied as he kissed the side of my head.
I knew he was right. He usually was. I’d never tell him that, though. It’d be my little secret.
I just had to make sure I made more time for my brother. He needed me, and this time I wouldn’t let him down.