Heather

I could hear him in the background, calling me spoiled, telling Mom I belonged in my own home, where they provide for me. This is not my home. I wish I never ever had to come back here.

Mom being Mom, caved and told me to come back just to shut Ernest’s mouth. I’m only ten, but even I get that she should question some of this. Why isn’t she paying me any attention? I can’t say anything, but why hasn’t she figured it out?

I feel so gross, I haven’t bathed in weeks. I don’t want Ernest’s attention, I’d rather wear beanies and smell like old socks. Besides, I can’t trust bathing in this house when mom isn’t around.

A closed door means nothing to Ernest. When I can’t stand my own smell any longer, I have to bath during the day, when Mom is home. If I don’t…I don’t even want to think about it. I get nauseous every time I think of that one night.

Ernest is still promising mom the world, spoiling her with expensive things and giving me things I don’t want. I’ve gotten a new bike, laptop, and tons of new shoes, all within the last few weeks. All things that have Mom thinking Ernest is the best thing since the moon.

She doesn’t see the real Ernest. The one that’s standing in the doorway of my bedroom, at this minute. Crooked Nose and a few of Ernest’s other friends were here earlier.

I wasn’t forced to watch this time, but there was a lot of yelling. I think Ernest messed something up. A part of me wished it was something bad enough to make what happened to Skinny Man happen to Ernest.

I had no such luck. That was an hour ago. I heard when they all left. A few things crashed around downstairs, but I knew Ernest was alone. I crept out to peek down the stairs. He was having a tantrum all by himself.

Now he’s here to take it out on me. Not safe. I’ll never be safe here.

I can hear the flick of his lighter, telling me he is lighting a cigarette. Moments later, the smell of burning tobacco reaches my nostrils, cutting into my limited breathing supply.

I can hardly breathe as it is, because I’m petrified of what will happen tonight. My skin starts to crawl, my palms are all sweaty, and I can hear my heart pounding in my chest.

“You think you’re so smart,” he hisses into the room.

I keep my back turned to him, in hopes he will think I’m sleeping and just go away. Sadly, I know he won’t. Things have just been getting worse.

“You were over there telling that Irish filth our secrets,” he snarls.

My heart leaps into my throat. I haven’t told anyone anything. I would never let him hurt my family. I’ve kept my mouth shut.

Ernest is the only filth around here. I once made the mistake of telling Ernest how proud I am of my heritage. My dad is Irish and my mom is half Filipino and half black. I’m proud of my mom and dad’s family. I love that I’m from different places.

Ernest locked in on my dad being Irish and the fact that he has Irish friends. He has just run with it, whenever he wants to take digs at my dad and those I care about. I don’t think my dad has ever liked Ernest.

I’m all the way with my dad on that one. I haven’t been liking Mom much these days either. Everything has changed so much for Ernest. I’ve watched my mom push everyone in our lives away for him. I haven’t seen or spoken to my mom’s side of the family, since she started dating Ernest. Honestly, Mom doesn’t talk to any of her family and friends, since they started dating.

As the fear for my other family grips me, I’m sort of grateful. I don’t know if I could handle protecting one more person. It doesn’t seem like I’m doing such a good job as it is.

I don’t feel brave, or strong like I used to, when my dad would rough house with me. I don’t feel like my daddy’s tough cookie at all. I feel…I feel…I don’t know what I feel.

“I know you hear me,” he growls, when I still don’t reply or move, pulling me from my spiral of confused thoughts.

I sit up in bed and scowl at him. “I didn’t tell anybody anything,” I hiss back, wanting to be my dad’s brave girl.

“You better not be running that big mouth of yours. I told you what would happen if you did,” he narrows his eyes back at me.

His black eyes glow menacingly. His brown hair is messed in his forehead. I can tell he has been drinking. It’s the only time he allows himself to be unkempt. Usually, when he’s sober, there isn’t a hair out of place.

I don’t see what Mom sees in him. My dad is so much more attractive. Ernest is plain. Yeah, he wears expensive looking stuff. Still, there’s something missing on the surface. Something that makes my teeth itch and my scalp tingle with caution.

“I’m not a snitch,” I snap back.

“Good,” he hisses. “I could always remind you, if you need.”

“I remember,” I whisper.

“And don’t get any ideas when your father gets back. I know he’ll be back soon. My friends are already, ready for him if he tries anything stupid. You know how we keep that from happening, don’t you?” Ernest says, his words choking off my retort.

I can feel the sweat rolling down my back. I start to tremble, pulling myself into a ball. I never thought of what would happen to dad if he finds out. I just thought I would be safe when he got back home.

“I won’t say anything,” I say in a whisper.

“You better not,” he snarls. “You smell, girl. You think I haven’t noticed what you’ve been up to? You think you’re so smart. Smarter than everyone else.

“You think not washing is going to push me away, or are you trying to get your mama’s attention? Or maybe, just maybe, you think those Irish pigs will sniff you out. Your father and his friends can’t save you. Your daddy couldn’t even afford to save his own fucking marriage,” Ernest taunts.

I swallow my fear, as anger takes over. I hate it when he talks about my dad. I just want to punch him in the face.

“My dad’s going to kick your ass,” I blurt out, in my anger, but I regret it as soon as the words fall out of my mouth.

I think my dad could beat Ernest up, I’m pretty sure he could, but what if Crooked Nose and the other men get involved. Fear wins out, once again. My throat clogs up with a knot.

Ernest throws his head back and laughs. “Just look, you sound like one of them. If your dad so much as looks at me wrong, I’ll have him buried somewhere, where no one will find him,” he hurls at me. “I’ll bury him and his friends with just a word.”

A chill runs through me. My heart is pounding so hard I think it’s going to explode. I’m so unsure of what to do. If I tell my dad when he gets home, I could be putting him in danger, but I don’t know how much longer I can take this.

My dad has always been my hero. He protects the country from the bad guys. Wyatt and Noah are always saying how badass our dads are, but what if the bad guys are stronger than my dad this time. I saw what they did to Skinny Man.

“Just leave me alone,” I murmur, holding back my tears.

He moves into the room, coming closer to the bed. I stiffen as he stops, sitting on the edge. He reaches for my hair and strokes it. I hate it when he does that. I can smell the alcohol now that he’s closer. It makes my stomach turn.

“We’re just making it clear that I need you to be a good girl and keep our little secret safe,” he purrs, with a stupid smile on his lips.

“I didn’t tell anyone,” I whisper, hoping that will make him go away.

“Good girl, now get your ass up,” he snarls, tearing the sheets back.

I scamper back against the headboard, preparing my legs to kick out. “Leave me alone,” my words don’t come out as strong as I would like.

“Get your ass in that bathtub and then get back in this bed. I’m not playing with you tonight,” he growls back.

“Fuck you,” I hiss.

His eyes harden, causing me to shrink back into myself. I don’t know where the courage is coming from tonight. I just feel…I feel…I’m tired of this. I know what’s coming and I hate it.

I hate the glee I see in his eyes. If I were bigger, just maybe I could fight him. I wish I could kill him and Crooked Nose. Then, I’d be safe. I wouldn’t have to worry.

He grins at me. “No, not yet. I like our playtime just the way it is for now, but soon,” he licks his lips as his eyes roll over me. “Go wash your ass. Don’t come out of that bathroom until you’re fully clean. You understand me?” he snarls.

“Yes,” I say softly.

“Good girl, I have a present for you,” he grins.

I don’t reply. I don’t want his stupid presents. He gives me one every time. After our secret time, I always get a present. I bite back my tears, but I get up and do as he says.

Thirty-four days. Only thirty-four more days.