I stare at the thin cardboard box on the kitchen counter. Inside is a beautiful cake. It's pink with a fondant bow. It’s for Sandra. Technically, it's for a little girl, Emma’s soon-to-be niece.

They’re coming over today, and I’m preparing myself. Every time they come over it gets easier and easier to fall back into the solid friendship I had with Tony before. But there’s still a part of me that hates him.

I fucking loved him. He was my brother in every way that mattered. I’m trying to come to terms with everything still.

I know Ma was ready. I know she wanted it. In some ways, I know it was best. But I’d be lying if I said I fully forgive him. Not yet at least. But when we’re together, it’s getting easier to forget.

“Derek.” I hear Emma’s soft voice as her small hand touches my arm.

I take in a long breath to calm myself and forget the past before pulling her into my arms. She lets me hold her. It’s all I need sometimes. Especially on the hard days.

She pulls away from me and looks into my eyes. “You gonna be alright?” she asks me.

“Yeah, I’ll get through it,” I tell her honestly. I’m ready to be a happy fucking family. I’m trying at least. Emma needs this. And for her, I would do anything.

Emma told me they’re naming her after Ma. It makes me…emotional. In a good way. In the best of ways, I guess. I hope Emma and I have a baby girl one day. I know I won’t be able to name her after Ma. So knowing that Tony is going to use her name makes me happy. It makes me really happy, honestly. I haven’t told him that yet though.

And they’re naming me godfather. Tony seems to think that one day, things will be back to the way they were. He said we’re family, and we’ll always be family. The last time I saw him, it was almost like normal. It’s fucked up in some ways. I feel like I should never forget. As if I should never forgive him. But deep down I know she was ready to go, and at least he had the balls to do what was right and help her go peacefully. I was the selfish one. I know that now.

I know it’s true, but some days I don’t want it to be true. I want him to take it back. I want my Ma to be here. But in reality she would have passed by now. The only difference is that she would have suffered more.

“It’s gonna be alright,” Emma says softly.

She pats my chest, and the sparkle from her engagement ring catches my eye. No matter what, he’s gonna be in my life, and a part of my family. Tony’s knocked up her sister, and I’m marrying Emma. So there’s no way of getting around it. I had the inside of her band engraved to read, Smile today without fear of tomorrow. Just like Ma always said. They're words I want us to try and live by from now on.

“I promise you.” Her hazel eyes plead with me to accept it. And I’m trying. I really am.

“Have I told you how much I love this kitchen?” she says not-so-subtly, to change the subject. I rest my forehead against hers, and give her another small kiss. One day, we will be alright, and things will be like they used to. But for now, I just need to grieve in my own way. And that means getting lost in my sweetheart’s touch.

We’ve been here for a few months now. Ever since she graduated. It’s close to downtown, which is where my restaurants are, and close to Emma’s new job. She doesn’t have to work. I’m only bringing in income from the legit businesses now that I quit dealing, but it’s more than enough.

She wants to work though. At least for now she does. Until I put a baby in her.

“You gonna take off next week like I asked?” I ask her.

“Yes,” she answers with a bit of skepticism in her voice. She’s always bringing home work.

We’re taking time off to visit the venue for the wedding. It’s a destination wedding, and I’m planning on taking advantage and making this a nice little vacation.

She keeps pushing back the date, and I know it’s because of Tony and me. I always pictured him by my side as my best man if I ever got married. And once things are better between us, I know he’ll be there for me.

She hugs me tight, taking my mind off of the things that keep me in the past, and reminding me of our future. I kiss her hair. I just need this. Just her. And I’ll be alright.

“I love you, Derek,” she whispers. I know she does. And I sure as fuck love her.

“I love you too, sweetheart.”