Three Days Later

I sit on the pier, the same spot I’ve been sitting every day since I destroyed my world. Bottle in hand, I watch the water and try to decide if I shouldn’t just jump in and join Beth. I feel so cold… so motherfucking cold that I could swear I’m dying, piece by fucking piece. Beth brought out the man I had forgotten I was, the man mi madre raised. She held the darkness, the beast down inside, at bay. Strangely enough, her death has silenced him. He’s just another part of me that’s rotted away.

I raise the bottle to my mouth to take another drink and find it’s empty. I toss it into the water, then bring a hand to Beth’s locket. I’ve cleaned it, but since then, I haven’t taken it off. I never will. It’s a reminder of what I had… and destroyed.

The area where the yacht was has been taped off with yellow and black caution tape that reads “Do Not Cross”. It didn’t stop me. I went through every inch of the remains, whatever was left. The rest had either disintegrated during the explosion or sank down to the bottom of the ocean. No bodies were found. The coroner said they may never find them. I wanted to believe that meant Beth was still alive, but that would be impossible. I saw the explosion. I saw the way it rocked her body and how the flames… ignited and swallowed her. I still see it. Every time I close my fucking eyes, I see it. It haunts me.

“Boss?”

“I’m nobody’s boss,” I tell Torch, not bothering to turn around and acknowledge him.

“The club needs you. There’s… things we need to figure out.”

“There’s nothing to figure out anymore, Torch. Nothing matters. The only thing that ever mattered is gone and there’s no one to blame but me.”

“That’s not true, boss. There’s a person to blame. Redmond.”

The name alone makes hate coil up inside of me, but I don’t hate that bastard half as much as I hate myself. Colin either, for that matter. They weren’t the ones who acted so carelessly with Beth’s life. They weren’t the ones who not only failed to protect her, but… killed her.

I killed her.

“Boss, something has happened,” Torch tries again. He’s ruining the numbness the alcohol has helpfully lent. I need to be numb right now. I need to be alone.

“I told you, I’m not your motherfucking boss. I’m done. Ask Pistol. He wanted the fucking job, he can have it.” Shit, I should have given it to him sooner. I should have just grabbed Beth and left. I should have put her first above everything else. I was so fucking cocky, playing the big shot, bringing my club into a war, putting everyone’s lives on the line…

I look down at my hands. They look the same; normal, even. But I know they’re not. I may not be able to physically see it, but my hands are stained with so much blood that they will never be clean again. My club members, Cade’s men, Diesel’s men, Annabelle, and now my Beth… Everyone but the fucking people I was after. I was a fucking fool.

“Boss, Colin wants to meet.”

“Colin can go fuck himself,” I tell him, squinting against the sun that picks right now to glare off of the water.

“Boss, he wants our help.”

“Will you just go the fuck away? Don’t you get it? I don’t give a fuck about the club anymore. I don’t give a fuck about Colin! I just don’t give a fuck. I want to lie here on this damn pier and pass out. Then, when I wake up, I plan on drinking another bottle.” Rinse and repeat.

“That’s not what Beth would want from you. That’s not what she deserves from you.”

I hate him. I fucking hate him. His words dive through the alcohol haze and tear into the wounds inside that are still bleeding, the wounds that will never heal. Fueled by anger, I pull myself up with ease, which is surprising considering how drunk-off-my-ass I am. Remaining standing isn’t quite as easy, but I grab both of Torch’s shoulders to aid me. My hands bite into him cruelly as I force him to take my weight. He goes back a couple of steps, but manages to keep his balance.

“Beth isn’t here!” I shout. “Beth’s dead and I killed her! She deserved to never know me! I destroyed her! Don’t tell me what she would want. Don’t tell me what I should do! I know what she deserved… I know! Every fucking breath I take…”

“Boss, listen to me…”

“I killed her, Torch. I killed her. She was everything good in the world. She was my world and I was careless. I was so fucking careless.”

The tears fall then. You would think the rivers I’ve cried would have stopped them. I should be cried out, but I’m not. I never will be.

I pull away from Torch and let gravity have its way. Collapsing, my head slams back into the light post I had been leaning against. It throbs. I register the pain, but it doesn’t matter. I’m lost to the misery, to the tears that are being torn from my very soul. My body quakes as I lose myself inside the hurt.

“I killed her… I killed her…” I just keep repeating it. When I wake up, I’m screaming it every fucking time, as if saying it will somehow make it untrue.

Torch leans down to pull on my collar and look at me. His face is blurry from the tears, but even I can see the pain and disappointment in his eyes. I turn away, jerking myself free. He doesn’t understand. How could he? How could anyone?

“Skull, Colin wants our help to kill Redmond. If we can get rid of that fucker, then we can at least get revenge for Beth. Don’t you want to have that, at least?”

My churning stomach, which hasn’t had anything in it for days but alcohol, revolts. I cramp hard in my gut, so hard that I yell out with the pain. “I killed her,” I whisper before I heave up bitter liquid that can’t consist of anything other than alcohol and stomach acid.

“Jesus Christ, ese, you need to wake the fuck up here. Beth is gone, but you still have a purpose. You need to make those motherfuckers hurt. Honor your woman’s memory. She sure as hell would be sorry she gave herself to a sorry fuck who can do nothing but wallow in his own vomit,” Diesel says, kicking me.

I roll onto my back and stare at him. I wipe the tears out of my eyes, which doesn’t do much good because more just take their place.

“Load him up, boys,” I hear Torch say. “We’re dragging his ass home and sobering him up whether he wants it or not.” The blackness closes in. I try to fight it because therein lies the dreams and I’m not drunk enough yet to handle them, but I lose the battle.