Chapter Thirty-Four

BRYCE

 

 

They ended up sitting in a sunny corner of the porch. Lu saw him and ran up the stairs to lie next to him on the love seat.

“So what do you mean you never expected to hear me say that?” he asked, lifting his arm so Lu could lay her head in his lap.

“You have a habit of making all your decisions alone,” she answered. “Even ones that should have other people’s input.”

Like the move to Arizona that had precipitated the divorce, though Nikki was nice enough to not bring it up. That was an old fight.

“You’re right,” Bryce said. Her eyebrows rose up, and Bryce knew he’d surprised her again. “And I’m trying to change. I know I wasn’t always the best partner for you. And I’m sorry.”

He’d said it a thousand times before, but after having caught a glimpse of how a relationship could be, should be, he understood exactly what he had cheated Nikki out of.

“I know you are.” Her expression said she’d heard him the first thousand times.

He took her hand in both of his. “No. Nikki. I am really sorry. I didn’t know. Before. I didn’t know what you were talking about.”

“And now you do.” Her expression didn’t give anything away, but she kept her hand in his.

This wasn’t what he had planned on talking to her about, but it was never going to be easier to say. It’s funny, but he’d always thought of ‘coming out’ as something a person did once and it was over. He was beginning to see that he was going to have to it over and over again.

“Yeah. I think I do.” Why couldn’t he just say the words?

Nikki looked around the porch as she searched for the right question to ask. “And does this new knowledge have anything to do with a certain handsome farmer?”

Unexpected tears sprung to his eyes. He looked up at the ceiling in an attempt to keep them from falling.

“I thought it might.”

“I’m so sorry,” he said to the ceiling.

The vinyl chair cushion squeaked as Nikki leaned forward. She laid her hand over his and squeezed. “It’s okay.”

He couldn’t get any words past his suddenly tight throat, so he just shook his head. It wasn’t okay. He loved Nikki, and the thought that he had hurt her gutted him.

“Hey, Bryce. Look at me.” She leaned forward, resting her elbows on his knees. “Come on, big guy. It’s okay. Look at me.”

Closing his eyes, he tilted his head down. The tears he had been trying to hold back, slipped out from under his eyelids.

“Oh, baby,” Nikki said softly. “It’s okay. It’s going to be okay.”

To Bryce’s mortification, a sob broke free from his throat. Before he could stop himself, he was sobbing like his heart was breaking. He hadn’t cried this hard when his marriage ended.

“Oh, babe.” Nikki quickly stood up, pushed Lu off the loveseat, and sat down next to Bryce. She drew him down to her, and he shifted until he could bury his head against her shoulder.

She held him, making soothing sounds and rubbing his back as a lifetime of repressed emotions poured out of him. He hadn’t known he could feel anything this deeply.

It was as if he had lived his life up until that moment with a banked heart. Now Dakota had stirred the embers into life and, oh, how it burned.

He cried for himself, for the love he might have had if he’d only allowed himself to see the truth. He cried for Nikki and the tireless way she had worked to save a relationship that had been doomed from the start.

He cried for the newness of it all, and for the way fate had brought him to Dakota and things he hadn’t even known he wanted and now knew he couldn’t live without.

Eventually, he cried himself out until he felt hollow. He hugged Nikki tightly, then sat up, wiping his face with the hem of his shirt.

“Better?” Nikki asked.

Bryce gave a shaky laugh. “Yeah. Kind of. I’m sorry.”

“Stop apologizing.” She shoved him gently. “But just to be one hundred perfect clear, that was your drama queen way of telling me you’ve finally realized you’re gay and that you’re in love with Dakota?”

Bryce sighed. “Yes. I guess you were right.”

“I usually am.”

That was actually true. Nikki was scary smart and observant. She could size up most people at a glance. He should have trusted her judgment.

“I never meant to hurt you,” he said.

“I know.” She sighed and leaned her head back against the couch. “I could seriously use a drink right now though.”

“Me, too.” He pulled his phone from his pocket. “Hold on.” He texted Jake. I’ll buy you a pony if you bring Nikki and me out two of whatever alcohol you can get your hands on and don’t ask any questions.

More yelling and groaning came from inside the house. A few seconds later his phone vibrated.

Intriguing but you got a deal.

They sat in silence while they waited for Jake. Lu whined and, one paw at a time, snuck back onto the couch, wedging herself between Nikki and Bryce.

Nikki winced as Lu’s whip-thin tail smacked against her thigh. “This dog is madly in love with you.”

“And I love her, too. Isn’t that right, Lucy-girl?” he said in a high-pitched voice as he rubbed behind her ears.

“Get a room,” Jake said, rounding the corner. He carried three glasses of whiskey on the rocks.

“Eww,” Nikki exclaimed, slapping him on the leg when he got close enough to reach.

Jake settled himself on the edge of the chair Nikki had vacated and handed a glass to each of them.

Bryce took a long sip, the whiskey warming a path down his throat. Perfect.

“So what are you kids talking about?” he asked.

“How much your drop pass sucks,” Nikki said.

“No questions,” Bryce reminded him.

“Fine. I’m just your oldest friend. It’s okay.” He held up his glass. “To old friends.”

“To old friends.”

“So?” Jake asked.

Bryce knew Jake wouldn’t leave it alone. He probably looked like he’d been crying, and Jake had known Bryce and Nikki long enough to know all their history.

He might as well get Jake’s opinion on what he had intended to talk to Nikki about. Jake had been playing almost as long as Bryce. He must have thought about retirement at some point.

“Fine.” Bryce took another sip and stood up. Shoving his hands in his pocket, he leaned against a porch support beam. “I’m thinking of retiring.”

Neither one of them so much as blinked. The silence stretched as they kept looking at him.

Finally, Jake said, “And?”

Bryce pushed himself off the post and paced in a small circle. “And it’s a big deal. They’re offering me a lot of money to stay with the Thunder for three more years.”

Jake and Nikki exchanged glances. “How long have you been thinking about it?” Jake asked. “Is this a recent thing?”

“No. I’ve been thinking about it for a while. The injury and all this, just adds to it. I’m tired, you know?”

Jake snorted a laugh. “I hear that. Sometimes the thought of getting checked into the boards one more time makes it hard to get out of bed.”

“And there are other considerations, now, too, right?” Nikki asked carefully.

Bryce waved at her, “You can say it. It’s okay.” No point in trying to hide it anymore.

Jake looked between them. “What’s he mean?”

Nikki smiled. “He means you owe me fifty bucks.”

Jake groan. “No way, man.” He dug his wallet out of his pocket, pulled out some bills, and handed them to Nikki. “You and the farmer?”

“Yeah.” Bryce tensed for Jake’s reaction. “You bet on me being gay?”

“No, Nikki and I had a bet on if you were sleeping with the guy already or not.” Jake grinned ear to ear. “I should have trusted her judgment that you were a horndog and wouldn’t be able to wait very long.”

Bryce blushed. What would they think if they knew how little time he actually had waited?

“Got to admit, I didn’t see this coming.” Jake shook his head. “I thought for sure the first guy you hooked up with would be that ref from Edmonton.”

Nikki nodded in agreement. “Me, too.”

“What?” Bryce was flabbergasted. It really was the only word that fit.

Jake rolled his eyes. “Come on, you couldn’t stop staring at him. I swear you started at least one fight just so he would pull you off.”

Nikki snorted into her whiskey and tried to cover it with a fake cough.

“You both suck, and I hate you.” Bryce sipped the rest of his drink and tried once again to make some sense out of his entire life. Apparently, the story he’d been telling himself about who he was and where he fit in the world had been limited, at best.

“So you guys are okay with me being gay?”

Jake shrugged. “We’ve been okay with it for years. It’s you who had the problem.”

Bryce blinked in shock and then burst out laughing. This whole thing was ridiculous. And Dakota had broken him, cracked open his heart, and now Bryce had to feel everything ten times, a hundred times, more than he ever had. Damn him.

Bryce wished he could hold Dakota right now, but they had barely crossed paths all day.

“You done?” Nikki asked after a few minutes of Bryce wheezing with laughter.

He took a deep breath. “Yeah. I think so.”

“So retirement,” she said. “How much of this is wanting to be with Dakota?”

Bryce had been asking himself that same question for weeks now. “Some. I’m not going to lie. If we have any chance at making something, it won’t happen as long as I’m playing hockey.”

He ran both his hands through his hair. “I hope you won’t think less of me, but I don’t want to be the poster boy for gay hockey players.”

“I don’t blame you one bit,” Jake said. “That is gonna be a nightmare for whoever it is. My money’s on the rookie. These kids aren’t big on being in the closet.”

“Yeah, Dakota won’t do it either.”

“So if you retired, and you and the farmer don’t work out, will you regret it?” Nikki asked. She always had cut right to the chase.

“I’ve given that a lot of thought. You guys know I’m not impulsive.”

“That’s for sure. You can’t even order quickly at a restaurant you’ve been to a hundred times,” Nikki said.

“So, Dakota and I are barely a couple.” Bryce starting pacing again. Lu thumped her tail on the ground every time Bryce came near her.

“You have been doing a monumentally shitty job of hiding that, by the way. You really truly suck at being subtle,” Jake pointed out.

“I know. I just didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. I didn’t want that to be the focus of Thanksgiving, you know? But it was kind of a crappy thing to do to him. If he had been a woman, and we met under the same circumstances, I wouldn’t have hidden it.”

“You had a lot to deal with. We get it. And I’m sure Dakota understands,” Nikki said.

“Speaking of tall, blonde, and organic, where has he been all day?” Jake looked out into the yard as if Dakota might be lurking behind a bush.

Bryce shrugged. “I think he had some stuff to take care of with his friends. I’ve seen him around.” Truthfully, he was starting to worry that he’d done something wrong last night. Moved too fast, been too intense. Maybe Dakota wasn’t on the same page.

One problem at a time. “The answer to your question is no, by the way. If Dakota and I don’t work out, I still don’t think I will regret having retired. I just don’t know.”

“So what other factors are there in your decision.” Nikki settled back into the loveseat, in full problem-solving mode.

“Letting down the team.” Dakota nodded at Jake. “And taking money out of my family’s mouth.”

Jake walked over and put his arm around Bryce. “The team will survive. We’ll miss you. I’ll miss you like crazy when you leave me behind with all those youngsters. But that’s how it is, you know that. People come and go all the time. And the show still goes on.”

“Wow. Way to make me feel needed.” Bryce punched him lightly on the arm. Jake laughed and pulled him in for a side hug. “Seriously, you won’t think I’m bailing on you?”

“No, man. You gotta do what you want to do. You can’t keep living your life for other people.”

“I’m starting to realize that. So that leaves the family. It’s an awful lot of money to walk away from. Money we could all use for a bunch of things.”

Bryce remembered very well all those years of ramen noodles, garage sale clothes, and scraping up change from under the couch to pay the electric bill.

Money had been tight even when his father had been around. After he’d left, he’d found his mom crying in the kitchen more than once over a pile of pink final notice letters.

He knew his playing hockey took food directly out of the younger kids’ mouths. Every pair of skates he went through was a pair of shoes they didn’t get. Every new hockey stick was art supplies Amy couldn’t have.

He never wanted anyone in his family to have to live like that again. Not his mom, his siblings, or their children. Or their grandchildren, if Bryce had any control over that.

“Have you talked to them about this?” Nikki asked as if she already knew the answer was no. “You really should. At least talk to Julie.”

Bryce did not like thinking about managing his money. His job was making it. Julie directed the army of accountants and managers that kept his finances straight.

She also handled all the family money. All the foundation funds that went to charity, as well as all the investments and 401k, and college funds and things that Bryce didn’t even want to have to think about.

His wants were few, his luxuries almost non-existent. Money in the bank was his security. His big splurges were the yearly family vacation on the off-season, and the clothing he had to have custom made because of his size. He did that as infrequently as possible. Spending money on himself made him almost nauseous.

“I will. I promise.”

“You don’t have a clue how much money you have, do you? How much the family has?” Nikki shook her head.

“Not really.” He supposed it had to be a lot, but still, life was treacherous, expenses had a way of creeping up on you. Things went wrong every day.

Although rationally he knew his siblings were adults with their own jobs, he had been the sole supporter of his family for so long, it was impossible for him to stop believing that his money was the only thing keeping them from slipping back into poverty.

“I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised.” Nikki stood up and stretched. “Are you feeling any better?”

“Yeah. A lot.”

“Good.” She walked over and punched him hard on the upper arm.

“Ow!” He rubbed his arm, Nikki could hit hard when she wanted to. “What was that for?”

“I’m not really sure. A whole bunch of things. You’re lucky I still love you.” She wrapped her arm around his waist.

He kissed the top of her head. “I love you, too. You know that, right? I always have.”

“I know.”

“I love you, too,” Jake said to both of them. “I hate to interrupt this love-fest, but if we’re going to go to this game, I want to get there in time to watch the warm-up. Check these guys out.”

“Good idea,” Bryce agreed. “I’ll try to find Dakota and see if he wants to go. He’s never seen a hockey game. Can you believe it? I’m dying to take him to one.”

Nikki gave him a push. “Go find your man.”

He stopped at that and turned to his two best friends in the entire world. “Um. About that. I promise to tell everybody about me. Soon. But could you just…”

“Our lips are sealed,” Jake promised. “But you’d better make it really soon because like I said, you suck at hiding it.

“I promise.” He pulled out his phone and dialed Dakota. He listened to it ringing as he watched Jake and Nikki walk away. Their heads were close together, and they laughed at something Bryce couldn’t hear.”

“Hey,” Dakota said.

“Hey. Want to go to a hockey game with me and the guys tonight?” He held his breath as he waited for an answer.