Chapter Thirty-Eight

BRYCE

 

 

Bryce’s bad leg collapsed as he hit the ground. The slick soles of his dress shoes skidded on the concrete floor as he fought to get his footing.

Some guy in an Event Center polo stared at him like he had two heads.

“Did you see a tall, blond guy running just now?”

The guy nodded.

“Did you see which way he went?” Bryce asked.

Like a character in a cartoon, the man pointed down the right-hand hallway. Bryce nodded his thanks and ran off.

Well, more hobbled quickly then ran. He’d done something very not good to his knee. Ignoring the pain, he kept going. “Dakota!” he yelled up the hallway.

Obviously, he had lost his mind. Temporary insanity was the only explanation for what he had just done.

He rounded the corner to see Dakota in the center of a small group of players from both teams. An angry security guard had a hold of his arm.

“Let him go. It’s okay.” Bryce said as if he had any authority here. It was worth a shot.

Dakota looked up at the sound of his voice.

Bryce stopped dead at the look of fury in Dakota’s eyes. Of all the responses he thought he might have to deal with, anger hadn’t even been on the list.

Bryce was aware of all the eyes on him. News of the kiss had spread faster than Bryce could move. He desperately needed to talk to Dakota, but not in the middle of the hallway.

A guy he recognized as the coach joined the circle. He’d introduced himself during the break between periods. A harried-looking man about ten years older than Bryce, Dylan had made Bryce laugh twice in the few minutes they’d had to talk.

He got the security guard to let Dakota go, and sent the players to their respective locker rooms.

“Thank you,” Bryce said. “Do you have an office we could borrow?”

Dylan nodded. “Of course. You can use my office. It’s right there.”

“Thank you.”

Bryce turned to Dakota. “Can we talk?”

Dakota narrowed his eyes, then looked down the hallway as if he were trying to find the nearest exit.

“Please?” Bryce begged. “Just talk to me.”

“Fine.” Dakota crossed his arms over his chest. “We’ll talk.”

Dylan’s office was a bare bones space with some file cabinets, a bookcase, and a metal desk with a chair behind it and two more chairs in front of the desk. Framed photos from the club’s history hung on the walls.

Dakota rested his butt on the edge of the desk, recrossed his arms, and glared at Bryce.

Bryce shut the door behind him. There seemed to be no place to sit with Dakota blocking all three chairs, and his anger filling the space.

Bryce put his back to the door, and tried to think of something to say. The first time in his life he’d acted on impulse, and it looked like he’d seriously screwed it up somehow.

“Well?” Dakota snapped.

“Well, what?”

“What the hell were you thinking?”

That was easy. “I was thinking that I love you.” Dakota didn’t seem surprised by that admission. It also didn’t seem to be making him any less angry.

Bryce took a step towards Dakota. “It’s just, since las night, you’re all I can think about. I’ve already decided I’m retiring.”

“Really?” Dakota asked.

“Really. So when you when you jumped up at that goal, all I could think about was I get to spend – to be with - this amazing person, and I wanted everyone to know. When I saw us on the camera, I just thought fuck it. I looked at you, and I had to kiss you.”

“I wish you hadn’t.” Dakota said flatly.

“Why?” Bryce’s stomach clenched, and an icy lump formed as all those butterflies had frozen and crashed to the ground. Then it hit him. “Oh god. I’m an idiot.”

He put a hand over his mouth. “You don’t feel the same way.”

He’d been making assumptions about Dakota’s feelings, but, looking back over the last few days, they had really talked about specifically about them, about their relationship.

They hadn’t talked about the future at all. It was his fault. He’ been trying to get everything perfectly worked out before talking to Dakota. He’d wanted to have an answer, a plan, the addressed all the issues and satisfied everyone.

Then he would go to Dakota and present their future to him on a silver platter as if the decisions were only his to make.

“Of course you don’t. And I never asked you. Because I’m an idiot. Oh, God.” He pushed away from the door. If he could walk away, he would, but he didn’t trust his legs right now. He felt shaky and light-headed. His leg buckled, and he grabbed for the doorknob.

“Don’t be a fucking idiot,” Dakota said, reaching for his arm. He led Bryce over to one of the chairs. “How’d you hurt your leg again?”

“I landed badly when I jumped over the rail after you,” he confessed. “Not as spry as I used to be, I guess.” He tried to smile.

“You jumped.” Dakota rubbed a hand over his mouth, as he paced in a circle. He stopped and stared at Bryce, hands on his hips. “You make me crazy.”

“Yeah. I’m gathering. I’m sorry I made assumptions about what you would want.” How was he supposed to not make assumptions? The way they were together had to mean something, right? But what if he was the only one who felt that way? Maybe this was just casual for Dakota?

Dakota signed. “Look. It’s like, if someone had asked me to design a perfect person for myself, that person would have been nothing like you.”

“I figured.” God, this was humiliating.

Dakota crouched down in front of Bryce, resting a hand on each knee. “He would have been nothing like you because I could never have imagined anyone like you. I had no way of knowing that someone so outside of everything and everyone I knew, would be exactly what I needed.”

Bryce's heart lurched. He couldn’t follow what was going on in Dakota’s head. “So you like me?” he asked hesitantly, blushing as soon as he said it. What was he, twelve?

Dakota pushed up to his feet and started pacing again, scrubbing both hands through his hair.

Yeah. Bryce couldn’t keep up with this emotional whiplash.

“Yeah. I like you. Christ, Bryce, I’ve been trying to convince myself I’m not in love with you for the past two weeks. That I couldn’t be in love that fast because that was ridiculous. Life doesn’t work like that.”

Okay. That was an emotion he could relate to. He’d try to hold onto that. Dakota liked him, maybe even loved him. That was the most important thing; everything else they could work out. Starting with figuring out what exactly he had done wrong tonight. “So why are you so angry with me then?”

Dakota shook his head. “You don’t even know what you did, do you?”

“Please. Tell me.”

“You outed me without my permission, Bryce. You don’t do that to someone. That’s like, gay rule number one. It’s not cool.”

“But I thought everyone knew you were gay? You said you couldn’t live in the closet.” It had seemed like such a non-issue around Dakota and his friends. People were who they are, liked who they liked, and that was it. Even Bryce’s family hadn’t made a big deal out of Dakota.

Dakota sighed, and Bryce could feel him searching for an explanation Bryce would understand.

“I’m not in the closet,” he said. “You know that. But I also don’t go around in a t-shirt that says ‘I’m gay! As me anything!

“The people who need to know, know. I don’t hide it. It’s not that I’m ashamed of being gay or worried about getting beaten up for it. It’s that most of my daily life, it’s irrelevant. They guy who buys my hay doesn’t need to be thinking about my love life.

“But you outed me in front of a stadium full of people, and, probably very soon, every hockey fan in the world.”

“Yeah, but I’m retiring. I can deal with it.” Bryce tried to sound encouraging.

“This isn’t about you for once! Don’t you get it? I live here! This is my hometown. And can you tell me it’s not going to be on the news? It’s probably all over Twitter or whatever. I’m sure I heard Ophelia squealing. She’s probably got a picture of us kissing on her Snapchat already.”

Bryce could actually feel his phone vibrating like crazy in his pocket as phone calls, texts, and all kinds of notifications came in. He didn’t even want to look.

“Now people in the streets will know who I am. I won’t be ‘that guy who buys.’ I’ll be ‘that gay guy who is dating that hockey player who buys too much ice cream.’”

Bryce still didn’t get it. If they were going to be together, it was going to come out sooner or later. “So, assuming there was an us, you wouldn’t want me to tell everybody?”

Dakota threw up his hands in frustration. “No. Not unilaterally. It’s the kind of thing we need to talk about together. My story is not yours to tell. I would never have done that to you. Not in a million years.”

But that’s different, Bryce though automatically. Maybe it wasn’t? Maybe it was only a difference of scale, not of personal importance.

“I know being with you would mean being in the public eye to some extent. And I was prepared to figure out the best way to hand it. But now you’ve dragged me onto this public stage before I even had a chance to decide if it was something I wanted!”

All the blood rushed from Bryce’s face. Dakota was one hundred percent right. He’d made this huge decision that affected both of them without even one word to Dakota.

He was an asshole. “I am so, so, so sorry.” He wanted to reach for Dakota, but for his comfort, not Dakota’s, so he didn’t.

“I don’t know what to do,” Bryce said. “I don’t know how to take it back. I can say it was a joke. Or that you had no idea I liked you. Maybe no one will be able to figure out who you are, and we can deny everything. I mean, how could they find out? You’re just some random guy as far as the world is concerned.”

“Thanks,” Dakota said with a grimace. “I feel so much better now.”

Bryce groaned loudly. “Everything I do is wrong. How can I fix it? Tell me.”

Dakota shook his head and collapsed into the chair next to Bryce. “I’m not sure we can. Eventually someone is going to work out who I am. Someone local will recognized me.”

Bryce was lost. For the first time he couldn’t see even a glimmer of the future. Worse, he could see a future without Dakota in it. How could that hurt more than anything else?

“Shit.” Dakota slid his chair until he and Bryce were face to face. He took Bryce’s hands in his. “You look like you’re going to faint. It’s going to be okay. I freaked out a little, but I’ll get over it.”

“I can’t do this alone,” Bryce blurted out.

Dakota sighed. “Stop panicking. I’m going to lay this out as basic as I can. I want to be with you. Even if it’s the most insane thing I can ever imagine happening, for some reason, you want to be with me, and I want to be with you. Okay?”

“Yeah?” A little spark of hope grew inside of Bryce, and the block of ice in his stomach started to thaw.

“Yes.” Dakota held up his hand when Bryce started to speak. “We don’t live in a bubble. A lot of things are not going to be easy for you or me.”

“I know.” He wasn’t near as certain of that as he had been ten minutes ago. Apparently there were considerations he hadn’t even known about.

“I don’t think you really do,” Dakota said, confirming his fears. “But you’ll find out soon enough. Are you ready to deal with the repercussion of your actions?”

“You make it sound like I did something heinous. I just kissed the guy I love. On the kiss cam!” Bryce’s voice grew louder. “That is the whole damn point of the thing, to make people kiss!”

“Sometimes a kiss isn’t just a kiss. Sometimes it’s a statement. And like it or not, that’s what you just made. So, I’ll ask again, are you ready for this?”

Bryce huffed something that might have been a laugh. “I have no idea. I hadn’t really planned things happening quite like this. My manager must be having a conniption. I’m afraid to look at my phone.”

Dakota slowly pulled his own phone out of his pocket. He laughed under his breath and turned it to Bryce. There were twenty texts from Lori alone.

“I fucking hate social media,” Bryce said. He’d never gotten used to how quickly his personal information could be spread. There would be pictures of him out at a restaurant on the internet before he’d even paid the bills. “News shouldn’t spread that fast. This shouldn’t even be news.”

Dakota doesn’t justify that comment with a reply. Bryce had known him dating a man would be news from the second the thought had crossed his mind.

After reading some text, Dakota hands the phone back to Bryce. There’s a photo of Bryce and Dakota kissing. There was no mistaking who they were and what they were doing.

“Apparently Ophelia sent this to everyone in your family. Oh, and she Snapchatted it to all her friends.”

Bryce closed his eyes and sighed. “I am so sorry.”

Dakota scrolled through the texts. “Oh, this is a nice shot. It’s from that guy behind us. Lori found it on twitter. He’s quick that guy.”

“Cowbell Guy? What did he say?” Bryce craned his neck to look at Dakota’s phone.

“Um, looks like he was pretty happy for you. He gave you a thumbs up emoji. And he’s wondering who I am. Someone commented that I was hot.” Dakota’s smile turned to a frown, and he slipped the phone back in his pocket. “Don’t read the rest of the comments,” he said.

“Yeah, I learned that pretty quickly,” Bryce said. “So now what do we do? What’s the best way to handle this? I’m going to have to call my manager, and the team publicist as least. She is going to ream me up and down the ice.”

“I have no idea what to do. I thought I my life all planned out, you know?” He looked at Bryce as if he were expecting an actual answer.

“Yeah. I know what that’s like.” Bryce risked reaching a hand out to touch Dakota.

Dakota popped out of the chair like it was on fire. “And then you happened. You came out of nowhere and just crashed into my world. And you held out the world to me and said I could have it if I wanted. Jesus.”

“I meant it. I still mean it.” Bryce’s fingers clenched on the arm of the chair.

“Shut up for a second. Stop. Just stop being so you for a second.” He smiled to let Bryce know he didn’t mean that in a bad way. “You showed me scared I had been. How small I had let my world and my dreams become. I couldn’t see beyond my farm. And now, since you, I find myself wanting more. Wanting things that terrify me.”

“Meeting you,” Bryce stopped himself and took a deep breath. In for a penny, in for a pound as his mother would say. He was going to put all his cards on the table today. “Loving you,” he continued, “smashed me to pieces. I barely recognize my own thoughts anymore. Talk about wanting things that terrify you. Every time I look at you, I think things that terrify me.”

“But you did decide to retire, right?”

“Yeah. I did.”

Dakota moved around the room, picking up anything loose on the bookshelves or file cabinets and setting them down again.

“It’s not just for me, right? I mean, I know you think you, you love me,” he stumbled, “but I’m not worth giving up all that.” He gestured vaguely in the direction of the stadium.

Bryce walked over to him, taking a stapler out of his hands, and placing it back down on the desk. “You are completely worth it. But, no, it wasn’t only about you. Not directly. More like what you represent.” He pulled Dakota back to the chairs.

“So what made you decide?”

“Thanksgiving. Seeing everyone together and how amazing it was.” He led them back to the chairs.

“For months before I came here, even before I hurt my knee, I found myself thinking, God, I’m so tired. Just tired to the bone. Physically tired. Tired of being alone. I’m so tired of missing my family. Missing every celebration and milestone. I miss hanging out with them for no reason. And I’m tired of lying to myself about what I want.”

“You mean sex with men?” Dakota smirked.

Bryce didn’t take the bait and reached for Dakota’s hand. “Falling in love. Settling down and raising a family. I’m so jealous of Julie and Amy. I told myself that I wasn’t getting involved with anyone again because it was too hard to do while I was playing. If I couldn’t make it work with Nikki, how could I make it work with anyone?”

“I’m impressed you guys stayed friends.”

Bryce laughed. “It wasn’t easy, trust me. It took work and determination on both of out parts. I still love her. Just not in the way she needed me to.” Poor Nikki. He didn’t deserve her friendship, but, God, he was glad to have it.

“There’s a good chance we would have fallen apart even if I wasn’t gay. Do you have any idea what the divorce rate is for professional athletes?”

Dakota shook his head.

“Somewhere between seventy and eighty percent”

“I don’t blame you for not wanting to go through that again.”

“That’s the biggest thing meeting you made me realize. Well, second biggest thing.” He smiled at Dakota. “It wasn’t fear keeping me single.”

“Then what was it?”

“I’d never met anybody who made me want to settle down. Until now. Until you.”