“No, Mary, I want her going to Trinity just like my brothers and I did, and if they don’t want to take her mid-term, ask them what kind of coloring homework they need her to complete and I’ll make sure it gets done to their satisfaction and that she stays within all the stupid little lines. And yes, that was sarcastic. It’s fucking kindergarten!”

“Mr. Cocker,” my secretary says with measured patience. “I think you might need a vacation.”

Rubbing my head I mutter, “I think you’re right. But I’m not taking one, so don’t bring it up again. And I’m sorry for snapping at you.”

“It’s almost time to pick her up from daycare. Want me to call a driver?”

“No. I’m going to finish this email and then I’ll be out the door. How much time do I have?”

“A little over an hour.”

My head snaps up. “What?”

Mary’s eyes crinkle with compassion, “I thought you might need a moment to cool down before you get there. Maybe drive it off. You’re in a mood, sir.”

“I’ve been in a mood,” I mutter to myself, typing quickly. “That’ll be all.” When she doesn’t leave I glance up. “What is it?”

“Is it the funeral, sir?”

My throat tightens and I rest my forehead in my hand. Claire Walters passed away and the funeral yesterday had a larger impact on me than I imagined it would. Not only am I worried about Hannah, I’m hoping to God I got enough stories audio-recorded so that she’ll know her mother as much as she can when she gets older and realizes the depth of her loss.

But also, that ceremony knocked me on my ass for personal reasons. You really think about life when death rears its fucked-up, bullshit, bastard-ass head.

“Well, that certainly didn’t help,” I grumble.

“You’ve been on edge for some time now.”

“I know.” Standing up I gather my keys. “Can you finish that email for me? Say polite things and blah blah blah. I’ve gotta get out of here.”

“Of course, Mr. Cocker.”

She passes me for the desk on my way out.

Twelve minutes later I’m riding by Jaimie’s house, slowing down and telling myself this is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done. I put the car in park and jump out, strolling up like it was yesterday she was in my arms.

Knock knock knock knock knock knock.

Smoky charcoal eyes peer out from the front window, then disappear. The door opens a second later. “Justin? That was a lot of banging.”

“How are you?”

She eyes me. “Come in.”

I walk past her and hear the door slowly click behind me. In the living room I scan left and right, my eyebrows rising up. Two very comfortable, stylishly purple chairs sit opposite a wood coffee table and the couch she loves. There’s a painting over the fireplace and little multi-colored bottles on the mantle. To my left I can see the dining room now has a nice table and chairs, with candles resting on a white runner, more paintings on the wall there, as well.

“You finished decorating.”

“Why are you here, Justin?”

Turning, I discover her arms are crossed and that detachment has returned. “We’ve gone back in time, haven’t we?”

“I’m sorry?”

“You’ve got that look on your face that you had outside The Bohemian.”

Jaimie blinks and releases her arms, inhaling deeply. “I’m just a little surprised.”

Walking to her, I reach out but she steps back. “I miss you. I can’t stop fucking thinking about you. And…I know you still care about me, too.”

“Oh?”

“Yes. You just swallowed when I said I miss you and there was pain in your eyes. I recognized it because that same pain has been with me every day!”

Her lips part. “I’m just getting my life where I want it.”

“I’m not stopping you.”

“Then what are you doing?”

Raking one hand through my hair I blink away from her and sit on the arm of her couch. “I just want to see you again.”

She whispers, “How?”

“What do you mean, how?”

Stepping closer, she tilts her head like she wants me to understand something. “How do you want to see me? Where I’m hidden from your family?”

“Hey, that’s not fair,” I snap, rising up.

She storms to the kitchen with me on her heels.

“It’s not fair?!” she huffs.

I hesitate as I take in a different room than I saw last. There are magnets on the fridge with clippings from local upcoming events. Passes to a yoga place. Tickets to a concert at Terminal West. Canvas art on the walls with photographs of Atlanta and Boston combined, a montage of sorts. Utensils in a vase on the stove. Potholders nearby that have recently been utilized. A small workbench is taking up what used to be an empty wall and on it are magazine cutouts from Brides magazine.

Pointing to it, I stammer, “Are you getting married? How did that happen so quickly! Who is he?! I’ll kill him.”

She glares at me and hits the counter top. “It’s for my job!!!”

My mouth snaps shut and I stare at her. “Oh.”

“God, Justin, are you a child or a man?”

“What the fuck did you just ask me?”

Ruefully she smiles with disbelief in her eyes. “You are so brilliant and so charismatic, and yet when it comes to love you are stunted beyond understanding.”

“Oh, and you’re Ms. Romance? You’re the one who told me the sex was hot because you didn’t like me.”

“You’re twisting my words around.” I’m about to argue but she loses her temper and shouts, “Enough! I will not let myself be dragged into this because you’re lonely.”

“Lonely?” I laugh with sarcasm shooting out of my eyes. “I’m NEVER alone!”

Licking those perfect fucking lips of hers that I haven’t been able to get out of my stubborn head ever since I met her, she steadies her voice and says, “Then you won’t notice if I’m not there.”

“Jaimie,” I groan.

“No. Please go.”

“Jaimie!” My tone turns on its ass and I almost fall to my knees to beg her, but there’s no fucking way I’m going to allow myself to do that. “I need you.”

“Finish the sentence,” she whispers with tears hovering in her eyes.

“What? That’s it. That’s the whole sentence.”

“I need you…in a box. I need you…part of the time. I need you…never to want to be a part of my family.” Her jaw tightens with pride and she waits for me to say something.

“I don’t believe in marriage.”

“Who said I want that?” she asks, but I can tell she does.

“You want it. And you should have it.” My voice cracks as I tell her, “You’re incredible. You are. And you deserve a man who can give you what you want. I can’t. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry because every night I go to sleep and my chest feels like ten people are sitting on it. But I can’t give you what you deserve.”

I turn on my heel and leave, shutting the door behind me with no plan of ever coming back.

As I make quick strides to my Audi, I call Jason whose production studio is a block from Hannah’s daycare. I picked that one on purpose for location, and of course it’s reputation as well. My family has been helping a lot with Hannah since I got elected. I haven’t taken office yet but there has been so much preparation needed to make the transition smooth.

“Jason, Can you pick up Hannah for me? I’m on my way, but I don’t want her to think I forgot.” Sliding in, I start it up and lay my head on the steering wheel.

“Of course. Where are you?”

“I went to Jaimie’s.”

He’s silent for two seconds, then explodes with, “That’s great! How’d it go?”

“She wants everything I can’t give.”

“Justin, you’ve been like a fucking zombie. What are you doing? You love her.”

“I just can’t, Jase. Get Hannah. I’ll be there in about ten minutes. I gotta drive slowly to make sure I get there safely for her. She can’t lose two parents because I’m a fucking idiot. My head’s not on straight. Fuck, I’m in pain, Jason. I’m fucking hurting.”

“I’ll get her. Stay there until you can drive. You want me to bring her to your house?”

“Yeah. Could you? I gotta just sit here a minute.” My best friend assures me he’s got my back and we hang up. I do not see that Jaimie is watching me from her kitchen window, as my shoulders start to shake with sobs.