Swells of hurt pounded at my skin, a radiating agony slamming me hard and fast. One brutal hit after another. Those endless blue eyes I’d spent way too much time dreaming about were staring up at me like I’d just crushed her into a million tiny pieces, but then some sort of hardened resolution seemed to take hold of her features.
But that lone fucking tear streaking down her face had damn near been my undoing.
I’d been overwhelmed. Overcome with the need to grab her sweet face between my hands and lick it from her cheek.
Then proceed to lick every delicious inch of her body.
Most disturbing part? That urge didn’t come close to just being about the physical. My spirit buzzed, consumed with this need to comfort her. To hold her and protect her. Exactly like I used to. I’d been about five foolish seconds from making all kinds of unsound promises that this girl wouldn’t even want me to make.
Chances were, she’d slap me right across the face.
No matter how badly the fact tore me up, Samantha wasn’t mine, and the voracious hunger gripping every cell of my being, the one begging me to reach out and touch her, to take her back, had to be crushed.
So I’d done what any man would do and put a stop to all those insane thoughts hijacking my brain.
Of course, that was after I’d rubbed all up on her, teasing myself with just a taste of what only this girl could make me feel. And damn if that little brush of our bodies didn’t feel better than any of the thoughtless flesh I’d poured myself into over the last seven years, my dick straining painfully and my heart hammering so hard I was pretty sure it’d beat right out of my chest, spilling out in a bleeding, nasty mess on the floor.
Seemed fitting, ’cause it’d always belonged to Samantha, anyway.
My eyes skimmed down her body where she stood three inches from me, her hands balled at her sides, her smell and her sweet all up in my face, clouding my senses.
She was taunting me. I knew it. She knew exactly how to bring me to my knees. My gaze got locked on the bronzed, defined lines of her toned legs, tracing up and down. My fingers twitched, wanting to be the ones doing that tracing. She was wearing these supersexy short shorts. Not the kind the sleazy girls wore to the clubs that promised the first guy who walked up to them a good time. No. These were the You can dream of me all you want, but there’s no chance you’re getting in these kind of shorts.
Yes, they had a name, and Samantha wore them well.
And because the world hated me, the girl had to go and pair them with the sexiest pair of shoes I’d ever seen, accentuating every sleek line of her sexy legs.
Did I mention sexy? Yeah, the girl was a fucking wet dream.
Believe me, I knew. She’d starred in plenty of mine.
And here she was, standing right in my sister’s kitchen like she belonged there.
When Aly told me Samantha was coming tonight, she made me promise to be on my best behavior, telling me Samantha was her guest and she wanted her to come. But the second I saw the temptress standing there, every oath I’d made to my sister flew right out the window.
Considering my best behavior wasn’t exactly good, anyway, Aly should have known better.
The second I got close, it was all over. She’d always had this thing about her that made me feel like I was brushing up against something special, a treasure rarely found, and it’d always felt like when I touched her she cleansed some of the ugly from me.
And I’d wanted it. To feel good again. To feel like I mattered. I wanted to think if she’d let me, I could make her life better the same way she’d once made mine.
I wanted all of that just about as goddamned badly as I wanted to soil her, to taint this good girl with every dirty thing I’d learned since the second she left me with a battered, broken heart, wanted to get lost in that body, lost in that mouth, lost in her hands and her mind and those haunted eyes.
Logically? I knew she was taken. I couldn’t have her. But the rest of my body didn’t give a fuck.
I blinked hard, swallowed harder, trying to tear myself away from that gaze burning into me with so much pain and hatred I was sure she was going to dissolve me into a molten, boiling puddle right in the middle of Aly’s kitchen floor.
Shit. It hadn’t been my intention to hurt her. It was the last fucking thing in this world I’d wanted to do.
And here I stood, doing it again and again.
What the hell was wrong with me?
But the truth was, I hated her, too.
“Christopher.” The word was low, thrown out like a caution flag, striking me from behind. I twisted to look over my shoulder.
My mom, Karen, stood there, her brown eyes knowing, soft, but filled with warning.
Just her presence broke up all the intensity, a flutter of awkwardness taking its place.
“I came to find you.” She tilted her head. “I thought you were bringing me a drink. I’m dying of thirst out there.”
I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. Subtle, Mom. God, she was so damned obvious.
“I was just telling an old friend hi.” I let the sarcasm roll from my tongue.
A worried frown pinched up Mom’s face as her attention darted between us. Samantha shifted in discomfort.
I knew Mom meant well, but fuck, none of this was fair. They just expected me to welcome Samantha with open arms. I swear, it felt like I was being ganged up on, all the women in my life hitting me from every side. Mom had been ecstatic when Aly told her Samantha was coming today, filling her in that she lived right around the corner.
All of my family was in love with the girl who’d torn me to shreds. Of course it was obvious Mom was assuming all those same things Aly had assumed, that I’d been callous and cold and had just tossed her aside when I was finished with her, when God’s truth was I would never have gotten my fill.
Never.
I promised her I was never going to be finished with her. It was Samantha who’d finished me.
“I haven’t gotten the chance to tell Samantha hi yet, either, so I’m glad to find you both in here.” Mom settled her warm gaze on Samantha. “It’s so good to see you. It has been far too long.”
Samantha exhaled heavily, drawing my attention to her. She seemed to compose herself, forced a smile. “It’s so nice to see you again, Mrs. Moore.”
“Pfft.” Mom waved her off. “You never called me Mrs. Moore before. Please don’t start now. You’re just going to make me feel old.”
Mom straightened out her impeccable clothes, and I wanted to laugh. Old and Karen Moore were an oxymoron. She was the epitome of beautiful, that timeless kind of woman who never showed a sign of the passing years. She also had a heart the size of Texas, and even though Aly and I took more after our dad, with his dark hair and deep emerald eyes, I knew my little sister got all her sweetness from Mom.
Soft, submissive laughter floated from Samantha, and I felt it somewhere in my chest.
“Okay, Karen. It’s nice to see you again.”
“When Aly told me she’d run into you, I couldn’t believe our luck.”
Luck?
Right. Lucky me.
Samantha laughed a little deeper, a throaty sound that sent a fresh round of blood pumping through my veins, washing out that constant numbness and filling me with all the shit I didn’t want to feel.
“I was honestly shocked when I first saw her… the baby and Jared and just everything.” Affection softened Samantha’s voice, and I was doing my all to block it out and somehow doing my best to feel it a little more.
Goddamn it. Was this what it felt like to lose your mind? Because everything I felt was at odds, wanting to shun every last thing and begging for more.
Mom chuckled lightly. “Well… she gave us all a shock, believe me. But everything works out like it’s supposed to, doesn’t it?”
She slanted a quick glance in my direction.
Oh, stealthy, Mom. I scowled at her, hoping she could read my mind. Didn’t she know some other fucker had gotten my girl? He was the lucky one. And he’d damn well better deserve her.
For one second, Samantha cast her attention to the window behind her, out into the backyard, where Aly and Jared had gathered with family and friends, before she turned back to my mom, smiling. All the while she seemed frantic to avoid my gaze at all costs, the gaze that kept getting locked on her, desperate to read every emotion pouring from that expressive face.
Dead to me. I snorted to myself. Right.
“For them, it definitely seemed to. They seem so perfect together. I really am happy for them.”
“So am I. There’s nothing better than knowing one of your children is truly happy. That they’re where they’re meant to be.” Mom’s face flashed with something significant, then she threw out her arms. “Well, what are you waiting for? Get over here and give me a hug. I missed you like crazy. And oh my goodness, sweetheart, you’ve always been beautiful, but look at you now.”
A soft stream of self-conscious giggles flooded from Samantha, and her face got all red while I got all hot. Samantha shuffled over to my mom and wrapped herself in her waiting arms.
I rubbed my hand over the knotted muscles at the back of my neck, torn between wishing I didn’t have to witness their exchange and not being able to look away.
Because Samantha was clinging to her as if she’d been reunited with family, someone who’d been lost to her and was now once again reclaimed.
Fuck.
She’d always been good. So fucking good and sweet and kind. Selflessness was the very extreme of her nature. Her only crime had been me, her trespasses hinging on everything I’d pushed her into.
Until the night I’d pushed her too far.
Squeezing my hands into fists, I shifted on my feet, warring with the urge to rant and rave and yell.
Why was I the one who had to suffer through this? Why did she get invited back into my life when she’d forbidden me from hers?
It wasn’t fair.
Not at fucking all.
Yet here I stood, trying to regain my cool. To pretend like nothin’ mattered at all. Just like I always had.
Mom rested her eyes on me, all sympathy and love mixed with a wash of regret.
No doubt, she could see right through me. She always had been able to.
In discomfort, I dropped my attention to my ripped-up Vans and raked a hand through my hair.
“Samantha, why don’t you go on out back and fix yourself something to eat? Jared made the call to dinner about ten minutes ago. You don’t want your steak to get cold.”
I chanced looking back up, and Mom had stepped away from Samantha, holding her by the upper arms.
Warily, Samantha looked back toward the kitchen. Sad blue eyes skimmed over me before they darted to the spot where I’d basically assaulted her ten minutes before. “Oh… well, I was supposed to grab drinks for me and Megan.”
A small smile wobbled at the side of that mouth. That fucking mouth.
I itched, wet my lips.
Laughing, Mom patted her. “Don’t worry about it. Christopher and I will handle it, won’t we, sweetheart?”
“Oh, gladly,” I drew out. Now I was getting her drinks? Tonight just got better and better. Apparently my mom loved to torture me.
Samantha hesitated, nodded. “Okay… that would be really nice.”
Then the girl had the nerve to smile. Like really smile, her red mouth all twisted up like a bow, a present I wanted to tear right into, knowing all the joys hidden inside.
She didn’t get to do this to me. She didn’t get to make me feel alive under that smile that warmed me from the inside out, the one that had always made me lose my head and so easily captured my heart.
She didn’t get to hurt me.
Not again.
Not with that gorgeous face and that perfect body.
And most definitely not with that sweet, soft spirit.
It was the most treacherous thing of all.
Samantha slipped around the island and disappeared out the back door. The entire time, I watched her go, my focus all wrapped up in her retreating form, her ass all round, her legs all sleek, the long length of her near-white hair swishing all down her back.
I suppressed a groan.
Mom snapped her fingers in front of my face, shooting me a smirk that presumed too many things. “Punch bowl is behind you, in case you’d forgotten what you’re in here for.”
I gave her a mocking glare as I backed farther into the kitchen. “So I may not be the brightest of your kids, but I do think I know a spiked punch bowl when I see one. At least I have one redeeming talent,” I said, the words dripping sarcastically from my mouth.
“Ha… says the one who just graduated from ASU and within a month was partner in a business. You’re so terribly worthless,” she teased, rolling her eyes as she headed farther into the room. She came to an abrupt standstill in front of me. “Always thinking you’re less than you are. And you’re more than smart, more than capable, Christopher,” she said quietly, her demeanor from seconds earlier shifting. Her brown eyes gleamed as she looked up at me, her expression pointed but filled with understanding.
I squirmed, and she set her hand on my cheek before she moved it down to settle it on my chest. “You just tend to think more with that heart you like to pretend doesn’t exist.”
I winced.
What the fuck was that supposed to mean?
She turned to the punch bowl and began filling four cups with ice. “It’s high time you started paying attention to it,” she said, not looking my way.
Scornful laughter rushed up my throat. “I’m twenty-three, Mom. You don’t need to intervene. I dug my own grave and I’m content to lie in it. I’d appreciate it if you and Aly didn’t go trying to dig it up.”
She scoffed. “Content? You are many things, but content is definitely not one of them.” She turned to look at me. “You want to know what I walked in on ten minutes ago?”
“No, I really don’t.”
Ignoring me, she continued on, “Two very confused, very hurt people. Two people who obviously need to forgive each other. Two people who are trapped somewhere in the past. You think I didn’t know you were torn up over her, Christopher? You think I didn’t see you change after the two of you broke up?”
“I changed when my best friend tried to kill himself and got himself sent away.”
She huffed in disappointment. “That scared you, Christopher. Hurt you. What happened with Jared made you question everything in your life. It did that to all of us. But I know there was so much more to it than that… and I know it had everything to do with that girl outside.”
Anger spiraled through me, and I rushed both my hands through my hair, hating that my mom had it, spot-on, when I’d thought I’d kept all of this shit tucked so perfectly inside.
My resentment boiled over. “It doesn’t matter,” I almost yelled, then quieted my voice to a harsh whisper and leaned in closer, hissing the words. “It doesn’t fucking matter. She moved on, or did you miss that part? Even if I wanted her… even if she wanted me… she’s living with some guy. And I promise you that I know Samantha well enough to know that’s not a casual thing.” I hated the way the words got all choked up, sounding like they just about killed me to say them.
But they did.
It fucking killed me to say it. To admit it. To think about Samantha crawling in bed with some asshole every night. To think about him undressing her. Adoring her. She wouldn’t be with him unless she loved him. Completely and wholly.
And she was supposed to be mine.
Mine.
And I’d fucking lost her and I’d hate myself for the rest of my days for doing it.
And I’d forever hate her for letting me go.
Sympathy flashed across Mom’s face, like she’d just read what had raced across mine, and she gently reached up and touched my chin. “Everything matters. Don’t think for a second it doesn’t.”
Quickly she filled the cups with punch, grabbed two, and began to walk away. She paused before she got to the door and looked back at me. “And for the record, I never said a word about you getting back together with her. The fact that’s exactly where your mind went should tell you something.”
Clutching a cup, she lifted her hand, gestured to the two remaining on the counter. “Now, grab those and come out. It’s time to enjoy your friends and family.”
She ducked out the door, and I silenced a frustrated scream.
This was pure and utter torture.
I shifted my chair back from the table, stretched my long legs out casually in front of me, nursing a beer like I didn’t have a care in the world, while I dealt with the clusterfuck of emotion raging inside me.
Searching for a second’s reprieve, I looked up toward the invisible stars. Night clung to the dense sky, a thin sheet of clouds stretched across the endless expanse. Miles of city lights glowed against them to cast the whole of the backyard in a milky haze. Earlier in the day, Jared had had me help him string up strands of clear bulb lights, each draping across the yard to make it feel like the place was closed in.
Special.
Sanctified.
Helium balloons sat in clusters around the wall’s perimeter, and the twinkling party lights and the haze from above made them glimmer with color, the entire backyard setting the tone for the perfect party Jared wanted nothing more than to give to his little sister.
It made everything seem closer. More intimate.
Now it was late and most of the party had cleared out. Just our closest friends and family remained – and, of course, Samantha. Four hours had passed in a blur, she and I partaking in some kind of forbidden dance where we weren’t allowed to speak to each other, weren’t allowed to look, which was about damned near impossible. We’d managed not to utter one word to each other over the rest of the night, acting as if the other wasn’t there while somehow we were both involved in the conversations happening around us.
Soft laughter floated from the well of that sweet little mouth. In defense, I slammed my eyes shut, but there was nothing I could do, and they opened just in time to catch that bashful blush rush to Samantha’s cheeks. She was all lit up, the lights from above making her appear angelic.
Unreal.
My chest squeezed.
Self-consciously, she tucked a lock of blond hair behind her ear, hair I wanted nothing more than to fist in my hands, mind you, and her soft tongue darted out to wet her bottom lip. She pressed her teeth to the plump flesh, fighting off a smile that only grew as she listened to everyone telling stories about their most embarrassing moments.
She’d gotten comfortable, settled into the casual vibe that had taken over the backyard, while I sat there feeling all the screws holding my sanity together coming loose.
Clenching my jaw, I gave it my all to look at my sister, who was currently numero uno on my shit list. I still couldn’t believe she thought there was anything okay with inviting Samantha here.
Then I made a feeble attempt to look at my asshole BFF sitting snuggled up beside her. All night he couldn’t seem to decide if he wanted to smirk at me or watch me with some kind of pitying smile that I wanted to knock right off his smug face.
My attention jumped around to the rest of our friends and family who sat around the long banquet table that had been set up in the middle of the yard.
But fuck me. I couldn’t stop looking at her. I lifted a bottle of beer to my mouth. Ice-cold liquid flowed down my parched throat as I slanted my eyes back in her direction. I went for inconspicuous, but I was pretty damned sure she could feel the heat of my gaze, because the girl kept sliding her attention my way, catching me staring, before she’d get all fumbly and panicky and jerk away.
Megan laughed hysterically at my side, pulling my attention back to her. I cracked a grin, because she was funny when she was all liquored up, always kinda loud and obnoxious but completely sweet at the same time.
She kinda reminded me of me. You know, except for the sweet part and she wasn’t a slut.
I was always giving her crap, teasing her relentlessly, because she didn’t hesitate to give it right back just as good as I gave it. She was superhot, too. No question about that. Wouldn’t touch that girl for a million bucks, though, no matter how much of that razzing might tell otherwise. She was one hundred percent friend material.
“Oh my God, seriously, you guys don’t even know,” Megan continued with her story, her expression brimming with exaggerated mortification. “There I stood in the center of the school playground, crossing my legs and trying to cover up the huge wet spot soaking my pants with my hands. The entire fourth grade class had made a circle around me, but the worst part of all was Tyler Adams standing there pointing and laughing at me, yelling, ‘Look! Megan peed her pants.’ Most embarrassing moment of my life and my first broken heart. He was supposed to be my boyfriend and instead he told me I was gross.” She shook her head sadly, biting back laughter.
Aly and Samantha laughed like it was the funniest thing either of them had ever heard.
God, I needed a distraction, to quit letting myself get lured into that sound that was making me all kinds of crazy.
“You are gross,” I tossed out, because like I said, Megan was an awesome target.
Megan pointed at me. “Shut it.”
Bull’s-eye.
“What?” I shrugged innocently. “I’m only speaking the truth.”
“Ha… you want to start talking about gross? I have way too many stories on you to start talking gross, so watch yourself, dirty bird.”
Ouch. Of course she’d go there.
From across the ten-foot space, I could feel Samantha’s sudden discomfort, the way she shifted and her face dropped toward her lap, and I also knew from experience that Megan was way past capacity for her to keep her tongue in check. She loved ribbing me about my not so stellar history with the opposite sex. Usually I didn’t mind – it was all fun and revelry – but not tonight. I’d once told Samantha I hadn’t earned all of my reputation, but I sure as shit had earned it now, and with all joking aside, it wasn’t exactly something that made me proud.
“Now, now, now… let’s not get carried away,” I cajoled, going for casual. “My mom is sitting at the table right next to you.” The jerk of my chin at Mom was playful, but I saw her soft brown eyes go that disappointed shade again, the way she always looked at me anytime the subject of me and girls was brought up.
She’d always been the supportive type, quietly strict, rarely getting upset when we got in trouble, instead responding with insight and words that made us think.
But my lifestyle was a whole other issue, and she never had any qualms expressing her displeasure about that.
Tonight, it was blatant. I totally got it. My mom wanted to see me happy. She thought I deserved more than mindless sex and endless bodies.
But I didn’t.
She tsked to break up the tension that’d gathered thick, then looked at Megan and lightened her voice. “Yes, by all means, spare me. The last thing I need to hear about are the escapades of either of my sons. These two…” She trailed off suggestively, shaking her head. She shot an accusatory eye between me and Aug, who was rubbing his neck as he looked toward the sky, trying not to laugh, because my little brother was just as guilty as me. “I don’t know what I’m going to do with either of them.”
Beside him, Courtney blushed a hundred shades of red. She had to be one of the shyest girls I’d ever met. Hadn’t seen her in years, and damn, was she the spitting image of Helene. Fucking beautiful, all serene and soft and with a kind of innocence that had just about gone extinct.
I was pretty sure I wasn’t the only one who’d noticed the way Courtney and Aug had been sneaking glances at each other, either. Jared was watching his little sister like a hawk, probably just damned near as close as I was watching Samantha, but for entirely different reasons.
Scratching the side of my jaw, I studied my jock of a younger brother, figuring it was about time he and I had a little chat. I’d learned my lessons the hard way. Guys like us didn’t go getting sweet on girls like that.
Megan gave me a little shove. “Fine, you’re off the hook. But only for Karen, since she loves me best,” she taunted, glancing at my mom with a wide smile before turning right back to me. “And you better watch yourself or I’m letting loose.”
“Heard you already were.” My eyes went wide with the jab.
“Gah… I will kill you.” She smacked me in the chest, hard, and I laughed just as hard, leaning off to the side as she continued with a barrage of slaps against any piece of me she could get her hands on.
I rubbed at the sting on my skin.
Totally deserved that one.
And yes, it was totally worth it.
I pinched her side, and Megan squealed, jumped, swatted me again. “Christopher Moore! You are going to pay for that.”
“Oh, is that a promise?” I waggled my brows, my words pure innuendo, all play.
“In your dreams, dirty bird.”
Like I said, easy target.
My dad huffed. “All right, you two, knock it off. Can we remember it is Courtney’s sixteenth birthday? The whole lot of you are terrible influences.” Dad never said all that much. He was the quiet type, always content to sit in the background until the moment he felt it prudent to intervene.
Megan took in a deep breath, straightened herself out. “Okay, okay. Truce.”
“Truce,” I agreed.
Smiling, my gaze drifted, drawn right back to Samantha, who was fighting an amused expression, her blue eyes soft and light.
My heart took a stuttered beat, and for the longest minute, I got stuck there.
God, she was beautiful, glowing with that radiating kind of beauty, the kind that’s not just surface but real. Deep and pure and honest.
A lump grew thick at the base of my throat, and I tore my eyes away, swallowing over it.
Like she was giving a toast, Megan lifted her cup. “All right, Samantha, you are up! What’s your most embarrassing moment?”
When all the attention landed on her, Samantha blushed just about as hard as Courtney had, minutely shaking her head as she again nibbled at that plush red lip.
Goddamn, what I wouldn’t give to be the one doing that for her.
“Do I have to?” she almost pled.
She’d been sipping at that plastic cup all night, filled up with my mom’s special punch, which packed a major punch, and I knew she was feeling good, the way her mouth seemed lax and her words hinted at a tiny slur.
So fucking cute.
I raked my palm over my face and over the top of my head, trying to break up the unwanted thought.
“Uh… yeah, you do,” Aly supplied, giggling as she got cozy tucked into her husband’s side. “The rest of us had to. Now, spill.”
“Ugh,” she groaned, this throaty sound that hit me low, dragging all my blood with it.
Awesome. The girl had the same effect on me as she did when I was sixteen.
“Mine’s the worst. Believe me.” For the flash of a second, her eyes darted to me, before she sucked in a huge breath, then released it slowly. “So… when I was seventeen my mom asked me to run an errand for her. I didn’t have my own car, so I took my dad’s. I drove to the Walgreens, parked right at the front, jumped out, and ran inside. When I came back out, I stood there staring at the empty spot where my dad’s car had been. Inside, I was freaking out that it’d been stolen.” She glanced around. “Then I heard this man yelling.”
She bit back laughter, though it was swimming all over that pretty face. “I looked across the parking lot to where he was waving his arms in the air, his face beet red, screaming, ‘Whose car is this? Whose car is this?’ over and over again.” Blue eyes went wide with emphasis. “Turns out, Dad’s car wasn’t stolen. Instead of putting it in park, I’d put it in neutral, and it rolled across the parking lot and crashed into a brand-new Lincoln. When he saw me standing there, the old man started screaming at me, demanding to know if this ‘piece of junk’ was my car, and I just shook my head no and walked away.”
Clutching her stomach, Aly doubled over, cracking up. “No, you didn’t.”
“Oh yes, I did. Walked all the way home, three blocks in the middle of summer. I dumped the bag on the kitchen counter and went straight to my room. The most embarrassing part was my dad came in about a half hour later and wanted to know where in the heck his car was. When he finally pried it out of me, he drove me straight back in Mom’s even crappier station wagon. He made me get out and apologize for lying and leaving the car there. Of course by then there were about fifty people gathered around and four cops. Let’s not forget about them and the five-hundred-dollar ticket they gave me. They told me I was lucky they didn’t arrest me for leaving the scene of an accident.”
Jared howled, tipped the neck of his beer bottle in her direction like a high five. “Now, that is embarrassing.”
“Told you. Most embarrassing moment in my entire life.”
“But not the worst we’ll hear tonight.” Jared slanted his eyes at me. I wondered which of the billion dumb-ass things I’d done to embarrass myself as a teenager he was going to call me out on.
“Watch yourself, man,” I warned, feeling the wry smile forming on my lips in the same second a smirk landed on his. I wasn’t exactly shy. Hell, everyone around this table knew it, too. I just didn’t need to prove what a dumb-ass I could be.
He cocked his head. “Oh, you’re not getting out of this, my friend.”
“I thought this was about telling our own stories. What makes you think you get to tell mine?”
“Uh… because there’s no way in hell you’d ever speak this one aloud.”
Jared looked around the table, gestured in my direction. “So when we were fifteen, our boy here decided it’d be an awesome idea to break into the school and go skinny-dipping in the team pool. In the middle of the night and with three girls.”
“Oh, dude, you wouldn’t dare go there,” I warned, amusement growing thick in my chest.
He smirked. “Oh yes, I would, and I am.”
Aly moaned. “Oh, gross. I don’t want to hear anything about my brother naked. I was traumatized enough when I lived with him.”
“See. What did I say? Gross,” Megan shot out. Both of them fell right back into hysterics, all at my expense. “And with three girls?” Megan shook her head and pressed her hand to her chest, like it made no sense at all. “What on earth were they thinking?”
“That they wanted to see me naked.” I added a drawn-out “Duh” for good measure.
“I give up,” Dad said, throwing his hands in the air, and Samantha started chewing at that lip again, trying not to fall into the same fit of laughter Aly and Megan were rolling in.
Jared chuckled. “Without giving it a second thought, Christopher stripped down, tossed his shoes and all his clothes onto the bleachers, and jumped right in.”
I just shook my head, scratched my chin, laughing at how crazy we’d been, what a great time Jared and I’d always had when we were young, back when we didn’t care a whole lot about anything but having fun. It was the year before Samantha and I had gotten together. I remembered that night so clearly. The whole thing really hadn’t been that sexual. I mean, I’d be lying if I said we weren’t feeling on top of the world when those three hot girls willingly followed us out there, thinking we were about to get an eyeful of what we were dying to see, but it was more about being young and free.
“Dumb-ass didn’t stop to take into consideration it was December. He surfaced, screaming and hollering that it was freezing. Two seconds later, all the outdoor lights flipped on, and there was Dale, the security guard, coming barreling through the field toward us. Christopher hauled out, stark naked, trying with his hand to cover up his junk that was all shriveled up from the cold. He just started running, yelling at us to get out of there. We all were right behind him, watching his lanky white ass sprinting across the parking lot and into the next neighborhood.” He pointed at me. “Dude had to walk two miles home in the shadows while the four of us were laughing our asses off. Next day we show up at school and all his clothes are on display with the announcement that they were looking for the owner. Turns out Dale couldn’t make out faces from the distance.”
“Entire school knew it was me, but not a soul fessed up. Got away with that shit. Never got back my favorite shoes, though.”
“Christopher, that’s terrible,” Mom admonished, wide-eyed and a little in shock.
“Oh, come on, Mom, don’t tell me you never went skinny-dipping when you were a kid.”
She laughed, flushed a little. “Well, I never broke into the school,” she said, as if it made it any better.
Aug covered his ears. “Oh God. Please stop. Don’t need those images in my head.”
“Oh hush.” Mom both frowned and smiled. “Don’t you think your mom should have some fun once in a while?”
“Uh… no… not that kind of fun, and I most definitely don’t need to hear about it.”
“Well, Aly and I definitely have experience with skinny-dippers, don’t we?” Megan said. “All our friends used to think stripping off all their clothes and diving into a pool was the highlight of the night.” Megan grinned over at Aly.
“Ugh… yes,” she groaned toward the sky. “I always stayed as far away from that train wreck as possible. Was not getting mixed up in that mess.”
Jared hugged Aly a little closer. “See, Courtney, you should totally take after Aly here. Boys start taking off their clothes?” He pointed at her. “You get the hell out of there.”
“Jared!” Courtney almost whined, almost rolled her eyes, but was too embarrassed to do either.
“What?” He shrugged. “The last thing I need is to have to take a trip out to California to kill someone.”
Rubbing my hand over my mouth, I tried to contain my laughter. Dude was so overprotective it bordered on criminal.
Megan slanted me a coy smirk before she looked back at Samantha. “What about you, Samantha? Do you like peeling off those clothes to relish the cool water?”
Little bitch. She knew exactly what she was doing – taunting me, teasing me with fantasies that hit me hard and fast. Thinking about Samantha naked was about the last place my mind needed to go.
Scowling, I slouched in my chair, shuttering my brain from going in those dangerous directions. But I couldn’t stop my thoughts from going damned near haywire, blinking out as I visualized what that sweet little body would look like all glistening wet.
Goddamn.
As much as I didn’t want to listen to Samantha’s answer or watch her reaction to the question, there was nothing I could do to stop from latching onto the sight of that rush of heated embarrassment that flamed on her chest and rushed up her neck, splashing crimson all over her cheeks. They glowed red, almost as dark as the red on those pouty lips.
I sucked in a shuddered breath.
Keep it together, man.
“No,” she finally said, hesitantly, before she quietly confessed, “I don’t swim, let alone do it naked.” She pushed out the last like a joke.
“You’ve got to be kiddin’ me,” Jared accused, grinning wide as he tipped a bottle of beer to his mouth, his foot propped up casually on the edge of the table as he rocked back. “You live in Arizona and you don’t swim? There has to be something fundamentally wrong with that.”
“She’s scared of water.” The words slipped from my mouth before I could stop them, and they weren’t mean or hateful or filled with the vengeance I’d wanted to spew at her hours before. Instead I was remembering how intensely real her fear was.
An awkward silence filled up the backyard, everyone frozen when Samantha turned those shocked blue eyes on me. Something heavy passed between us. It wasn’t beyond anyone here that those words were the first time either of us had acknowledged the other since we’d come out back.
“Can’t believe in all these years you never got over that.” I let the words come soft, because that’s what I’d felt for her then, back before every place she’d once inhabited in me had been left hardened when she’d gone. Instantly, I wanted to steal them back, because for a flash she looked at me like she really saw me, like she recognized the person I’d once wanted to be.
I’d have done anything to be him. To be good enough for her.
“Some fears hold on forever,” she whispered, and she swallowed hard, still clinging to my gaze.
A gentle breeze blew in, rustling through the trees and swaying the lights strung up overhead, a low howl uttered from the skies that whipped through her hair. I felt myself flailing within, a mayhem of nerves and memories of all the love I’d had for this girl that had turned sour, what had blackened my beliefs and slaughtered the only pure hope she’d bred somewhere in my spirit.
God, I wanted it back, the chance to prove myself to her.
Aly cleared her throat. “I’m going to go in and check on Ella.”
Everyone around the table nodded, like maybe they were nodding away their discomfort.
My mom stood as Aly headed inside. “I think we’d better call it a night, too. It’s getting late.” She pulled Courtney up, hugging her close. “I am so glad you’re here, sweet girl.” She dropped an affectionate kiss to Jared’s temple, then leaned in to brush another to Samantha’s cheek. “Don’t be a stranger.”
“I won’t,” Samantha promised.
Mom rounded the table, hugged me and Megan, while Aug and Dad casually said their good nights. And I knew I should make my call, too, bail out and go find something or someone to pour my frustrations into, but I stayed rooted in my chair.
A thick quiet had taken over. The five of us who remained just sat there suspended in it, surrounded by it, comforted by it. Even though it was excruciating all at the same time.
Hesitating, I leaned my elbows on the table, picking at the label on my beer. Finally I lifted my head, catching those blue eyes trained on me. It was like she could anticipate what I would say.
“How is Stewart?” I stumbled over the words that were filled with those fears and worries I’d been feeling since the second Aly’d told me he’d had a recurrence.
Blinking, she sucked her bottom lip between her teeth, fighting that same war we’d been fighting all night. Did she take the easy way out? Act like those vile words I’d spewed at her were the truth? That she was dead to me and I was dead to her? Or be the one to take a chance and whisper one solitary truth.
The expression that transformed her face was one I’d witnessed so many times, when she’d come to me at night and I’d hold her after she’d been holding Stewart all day, when all her fears had caught up to her and, just for a moment, she’d needed someone else to be strong for her. Her mouth trembled. “He’s sick, Christopher.”
No doubt she already knew I’d heard about Stewart. It was clear in my question. But her words weren’t an answer. They were an admission.
That lump in my throat throbbed, and I rushed my hand over my face, my head inclined as I leaned in closer, whispered lower. “How bad is he?”
A phone chimed and buzzed on the table, the plate lighting up against the peace, bursting the secluded bubble we’d all been in.
I’d forgotten anyone else was even there, and I sat back uneasily, my eyes darting between the three others. Some kind of curious satisfaction spread on Megan’s face, while a deep sadness had fallen over Jared’s. The guy just always got it, even when I didn’t want him to.
Cringing, Samantha grabbed her phone, swiped her thumb across it to reject the call.
“Everything okay?” Megan ventured.
Samantha shook her head, as if she were flustered and distracted. “Yeah… it was just Ben. He’s probably just checking up on me.”
Ben.
In a straight-up stupor, I blinked, a fog clouding my brain as the name pressed and pushed at my consciousness, vying for a way in. Finally it crashed through. Awareness settled hard and fast. A torrent of anger surged, a rogue rush of hatred pounding through my veins. Beating and battering until all I could see was red.
Ben.
My face pinched. “What did you just say?” I seethed, my voice coarse and ragged, filled with all the rage I probably didn’t have a right to feel. But fuck, could anyone really blame me?
I wanted to crawl across the table and rip the phone from her hand, spew all the words at him I should have told him years ago, then smash that fucker into a million tiny pieces.
Him or the phone, I wasn’t sure.
She jerked her head up. “What?” she asked, completely at a loss. Oblivious.
“I said… what did you just say?” It was nothing less than a bitter accusation, but I couldn’t stop it from spilling out.
Eyes narrowed in confusion, she scrunched up her little nose, her head shaking the slightest bit.
“I said it was Ben checking…” She phrased it almost as a question, before she suddenly trailed off. Like it’d just occurred to her that this bit of information might matter to me. That it might fucking matter because that asshole had always wanted her, and I’d always known it, too. That slimy bastard was always playing the protective big brother when really all he’d wanted was to take what was mine.
“Motherfucker,” wheezed from my mouth as I dragged my hands erratically over the top of my head. Slowly, I shook my head, all those repulsive images I’d wanted to shun, the ones of Samantha with the man who’d taken my place assaulting me. Only now that man had a face.
My stomach turned and bile burned up my throat. All that fiery heat pulsing through me combusted, shooting me to my feet. I felt my insides curling, my skin blistering. Hot summer wind blasted across the yard. It scraped across my face and arms, rubbing everything raw, reminding me just how insanely bad loving someone can hurt.
I turned and slammed my fist into the closest inanimate object.
A fucking brick wall.
In fury, in agony, I screamed out, because I didn’t want to pretend anymore. Didn’t want to keep pretending she was dead when she’d been the only person who’d ever made me feel alive. Didn’t want to keep pretending she meant nothing when she meant everything.
I stumbled back, right into Jared, who’d come out of nowhere and stood directly behind me. His voice was calm, placating. “Come on, man, let’s go cool off.”
Just then, the sliding door to the house opened. I saw my sister in the doorway. I felt her panic race along the lawn as she watched her carefully constructed plan crumbling to pieces.
“Oh my God, Christopher.” Assessing the damage, her eyes darted around all of us. “What did you do?”
“What did I do?” I flung my arm out in her direction, all my hurt bleeding free. Yeah, she meant well. I got that. But goodwill didn’t mean you had it right, and my sister had gotten this terribly wrong.
“What did I do?” I repeated. “What the fuck did you do, Aly? You did this. You brought her here.”
Jared’s hand fell heavily to my shoulder, gripping me tight. “Not tonight, man. We’ll hash this shit out later. Right now I think you need a little breather. Let’s go walk it off.”
I glared around the yard at everyone staring back at me, all of them thinking I’d lost my goddamned mind, which apparently I had.
Everyone except for Samantha. No. She was watching me like she was fucking terrified of me standing here. Just as terrified as I was of her standing there.
I tore my arm free, shrugged him off, eyes still narrowed on Samantha. “Don’t worry about it. I’m already gone.”