Come to Me Recklessly by A. L. Jackson (21)

I tried not to skip out of my boss’ office. But the second the door closed behind me, it was on. I raced back to my empty classroom, my feet barely touching the ground. I threw the door open to the darkened room, and it slammed closed behind me.

Squeezing my hands into the tightest balls, I squealed and ran in place, my knees nearly knocking into my chin. Like a thirteen-year-old girl who’d just found out her favorite boy band was coming into town.

It wasn’t pretty.

But I couldn’t find one hidden place inside me that cared.

“Yes! Yes! Yes!” I screamed below my breath, my hammering heart pumping an erratic elation through my veins.

I couldn’t wait to tell him.

Dancing around like a complete spaz, I grabbed my phone from my purse, unable to contain the grin plastered across my face. My fingers flew across the screen as I texted Christopher.

Guess what?!?! 

He answered almost immediately, as if the hours had passed too slowly like they had for me and he couldn’t wait to hear the news. You got it?!

Yep! They offered me a full-time, permanent position. You’re looking at a for-real teacher ;) 

They’d kept me on after the summer session ended because they ended up being short staffed when the school year started. It was halfway through October and I was still working per diem, even though I was supposed to work only through the end of August. When my boss had asked to speak to me in her office during the lunch break, I’d been praying it was for this very reason.

Three seconds passed before my phone buzzed.

God, Samantha. That’s FANTASTIC. I’m proud of you. Really proud. But are you surprised? They’d be insane to let you go. 

I almost snorted. He dug those types of sentiments in constantly.

But they’d become his thousand apologies.

His million regrets.

And I’d found myself whispering my own litany of prayers, searching above and beyond for the correct path.

Fear kept me from taking that leap of faith. When he promised me at Aly’s house two weeks ago that he’d never hurt me, every part of me had wanted to believe him, but it was that last inkling of doubt that kept me from fully giving my trust to the only one who had the power to destroy it.

But I knew I couldn’t continue like this for long.

Christopher had quickly become my everything.

The only problem was he wasn’t really mine.

My phone buzzed again. And for the record, I’m not looking at you. But I really wish I was.

You wish, I shot back.

Uh, yeah, clever girl, that’s what I said. Wait, are you sure you’re qualified to be a teacher? Now you’re giving me second thoughts. 

With a short laugh, I shook my head. Such a punk. Anyone ever told you that?

His response was immediate. That’s why you love me ;)

God love him and damn him all at the same time. Yet somehow, my smile only grew.

I had another text from him before I had time to reply. When do I get to see you again? We need to celebrate.

My conscience vibrated with guilt. I hated sneaking around to see Christopher. No matter which way I looked at it, it was wrong. No old emotion could warrant the number of lies I had told.

But I didn’t want to stop.

Home had never felt so close.

And it wasn’t as if I was cheating.

But I recognized how lame that excuse was. I might not be having sex with Christopher, but who had I called with my good news?

Seven years of my life had been consigned to Ben. Would I really give that up? Hurt him when he’d always been there for me? I hated even the idea of it. I wasn’t that type of girl, one who’d trample another’s heart for the benefit of her own.

But the idea of losing Christopher again crushed me. I cherished him as a friend. But I felt a crossroads approaching. A fork in the road. One direction or the other, because I couldn’t travel both.

Would I risk it all on a boy who was the ultimate risk?

Because no matter how close we grew, there was no erasing what he’d done.

My phone buzzed again.

Let me take you out. Can you get away tonight? I need to see you. 

I squeezed my eyes shut, and with every part of me I wished that things were different.

I can’t tonight. Dinner plans. I left out the part that they were with Ben. This weekend?

Ben left Friday for a meeting in L.A. and wouldn’t return until Sunday, and here I was again, feeling all kinds of relief about it.

How can I steal you away before then? I’m not above bribery. 

Don’t think that’s going to happen. I lifted my phone and snapped a picture. So maybe I added what I hoped was a sexy pout. Sue me. This will have to hold you over until then.

My knees got all wobbly when I looked at his return message, my eyes glued to the image on the screen. He was patting his heart, his mouth twisted in that wicked grin, green eyes gleaming back at me.

Kill me now, the man was unjustifiably beautiful.

Tingles raced through every inch of me, like the devil was at their heels.

I shook my head.

I was in so much trouble.

 

Later that afternoon, Cici popped her head into my classroom, clutching the side of the door. “Hey, you.”

“What’s up?” I asked, cleaning up the last of the mess left behind by our art project. All of the kids had gone home and I was spent. But it was a good kind of spent. The kind attained in the satisfaction of hard work.

It’d been a good day.

Being offered a full-time position here had been something I’d been hoping for basically since they brought me on part-time. It was honestly a little surprising how much I loved it here.

But there was something else.

Something greater simmering below the surface that buzzed beneath my skin and hummed in my spirit.

Cici pushed the door wider and gestured down the hall. “That man of yours is at it again… the delivery guy stopped by a few minutes ago.” She smiled softly. “What a sweetheart.”

A flurry of nerves scattered through me.

Sweetheart. 

Crazy how fitting that sentiment was.

Of course Cici had no clue who really was the sweetheart, how dark and dangerous he seemed on the exterior until he let you reach down deep into the middle, to what was hidden inside. Somehow I knew I was the only person he’d allowed to touch him there.

“I’m just finishing up,” I told her. “I’ll be out to grab it in a minute. Thanks for letting me know.”

“No problem.” She started to retreat, then paused. “And congrats, by the way. It’s going to be great having you around here permanently.”

I smiled at her. “Thank you. I can’t tell you happy I am to be a part of the school.”

She nodded as if she completely understood how truly thankful I was, and with a small wave she let the door drop closed behind her. I rushed through the rest of my cleanup, stuffed some paperwork into my messenger bag, then slung both it and my purse over my shoulder, all too eager to race down the hall and into the office.

I pushed open the heavy door, and my pulse ratcheted up a hundred knots at the simple bouquet waiting on the high counter. It was just three white lilies wrapped in that same red ribbon, tied in a soft, delicate bow, but to me it felt like another piece of my world falling into place.

The office staff had cleared out for the day, leaving me alone in the silence with my thrashing heart. But this time my heart wasn’t pounding with fear. It was thundering with hope. My hands were shaking as I plucked the envelope from the holder, my name once again scrawled across the front in his powerful script.

I tore into the flap, holding my breath as I flipped open another card with a blank front.

Missing were all the pleas for atonement, the desperate words of Christopher’s regret.

Instead they were simple words of encouragement.

Tears stung my eyes, and I wiped away the emotion that came like a rush of deliverance. Gathering the arrangement, I hugged it close and slipped out the front door, feeling lighter than I had in years. I made sure the door was locked behind me before I headed for my car parked across the lot.

Evening approached, the late afternoon air still, noise from the nearby thick traffic filling the air.

All my attention was trained on my feet, and I yelped when a hand landed on my forearm. I whirled around to find Christopher standing before me and grinning. He pressed a finger to his lips and made a little shh sound as he began to haul me behind the cover of a tree.

I struggled to catch my breath, laughing as I chastised quietly, “What are you doing here?”

He pulled me to face him, searing green eyes darting all over as he studied me up and down. It seemed whatever he was looking for and he clearly found filled him with relief. He captured a strand of my hair that in the lazy breeze had whipped haphazardly around my face. With an easy grin, his head slowly dropped to the side and he tucked the chunky piece behind my ear.

My insides went gooey. God, he was beautiful and perfect, and his presence made me a little dizzy.

His smile widened to show a big flash of teeth.

Okay, a lot dizzy.

“I couldn’t wait until the weekend to tell you congratulations, so I figured if you couldn’t come to me, then I would come to you.”

I shook my head, chewing at my lower lip that slipped right into a self-conscious grin. “You really are crazy, aren’t you?”

Christopher just laughed, before his expression transformed into something unfathomable. “You have no clue, Samantha.”

He glanced down at the flowers held fast in my arms before he moved his gaze up to meet my own. The air seemed to crackle around us, a charged awareness taking hold. Christopher hesitated before he finally reached out to cup my face in the frame of his hands. He stared down at me. “Hope you know every single word is true, Samantha.”

And I knew he was referring to the words scrawled in the cards that were now tucked away in a drawer that housed my most precious possessions: accolades from school, an heirloom ring passed on from my great-grandmother, letters from Stewart, sweet pictures my first students had drawn.

Now Christopher was there – with what I cherished most.

Green eyes searched my face and his thumbs skated across the apples of my cheeks.

Realization crawled over me in a blanket of shivers.

I wanted him to kiss me.

Silently I begged him to make the move, to turn me and press me up against his truck like he’d done all those months ago. But this time I wouldn’t stop him. This time I would welcome him.

Instead he dropped his mouth to my forehead. His lips lingered there for the longest time, his hands stroking up and down my jaw, my heart a complete shattered mess because I knew without a doubt he now held it in the palm of his hand.

Because I no longer wanted to be afraid. No, it wasn’t that. What I wanted was for my fear to no longer hold me back.

I wanted to trust because I was certain this amazing man had earned it.

Reluctantly, he pulled away, and God, did it make me a fool that I wanted to beg him not to?

“I’ll see you on Saturday,” he said. He squeezed my hand when he stepped away, like he didn’t want to let me go any more than I wanted him to. He didn’t release his hold until our arms were stretched out between us, our fingertips hovering in the air to get one last brush of skin before we parted.

“Saturday,” he said again, although this time the promise was clear.

It was the promise of something more.

A loose thread of uneasiness was still woven through the fabric of my being. But it was thin and quickly fraying. I no longer wanted to be controlled by my fears, and I no longer wanted to settle. I no longer wanted to lead Ben on and I no longer wanted to push Christopher off.

Because as I stood there watching him climb into his truck, I knew.

I wanted to belong to him.

 

Candlelight glowed from each of the linen-covered tables, the quiet ambiance of the room making the restaurant feel even more intimate.

Ben sat across from me, filling me in on every inane detail of his day at work. I’d barely gotten in little more than two words edgewise.

Never had I felt more uncomfortable in my life. Fiddling with the corner of the linen napkin on my lap, I let my eyes wander over his masculine face. My eyes narrowed in on his jaw, the way it flexed and clenched as he took a bite. He took a sip of wine and swallowed, giving me a tight smile when he set the glass back on the table.

I made myself focus on him. He was attractive. Not like Christopher, though. Not even close. But clean and strong and proud, a cookie-cutter cutout of what should equate to every girl’s dream man. And I searched everywhere inside myself, seeking out even the tiniest spark. For a small flicker of something more to emerge. To feel an ounce of what I should feel for Ben.

Because I’d cared about him for so many years, but I knew that care had never come in the capacity it should.

He cut into his steak. “So how was your day?” he finally asked.

“Well,” I began, leaning into the table, “I actually got some really great news today.”

“Yeah?” He glanced up, and I felt a timid smile materialize on my face.

“Yeah. The school offered me a full-time position. I get my own class starting next week. Second grade.”

Pride filled up my chest. A deep joy that I could feel burning from the inside shining as it made its way out. I was a little shocked by how much I’d wanted this.

Midcut, Ben stilled, his utensils poised over his slab of meat. He smiled, but it faltered in his eyes. I watched the bob of his Adam’s apple as he swallowed. “That’s… wonderful, Sam,” he said, though everything about his congratulations felt forced. Turning back to the task of sawing through his steak, he eyed me with the lift of his brow. “And what did you tell them?”

“I accepted it of course.”

Slowly he nodded, contemplating. “Are you sure that’s the best direction right now? Things are really beginning to happen at work for me. If I cinch this account in L.A., which I will” – he gestured between us with his fork – “we’ll be set. There’s really no need for you to work at all.”

I felt the deep frown creasing my forehead, and I blinked rapidly. “I just finished school. Why would I want to stop working? I’m only getting started.”

He sighed as if he were trying to reason with a petulant toddler, quietly set his utensils aside, and reached across the table for my hand, which was clenched in a fist at the side of my plate. He squeezed it in what I could only assume was supposed to be affection.

All it made me want to do was yank it away.

“It’s time to start thinking about the future,” he said. In emphasis, he squeezed tighter. “Our future. Settle down… begin thinking about starting a family.”

Nerves barreled through me at full force, panic and anxiety and an all-out defiance. My knee began to bounce. “You know I’m not ready for that yet, Ben.”

Did I want a family? I always had, and Ben knew it, too. But I never thought he’d use that desire as leverage.

And somehow, I knew that’s exactly what this was.

In some way, I guess I’d always known he used my every want against me. I’d just been too caught up in dwelling on all my terrible choices to admit it.

His voice took on that soothing, placating tone, and he rubbed his thumb in circles on the back of my hand. “Trust me on this. I only want what’s best for you, and getting into some long-term contract with that school isn’t going to benefit us.”

Right. The only person it wouldn’t benefit was him.

I sat back, meeting his eye. “I am taking this job, Ben. You should be happy for me.”

Pushing out a breath, he rubbed his forehead, and his voice softened as if it could change the impact of his words. “Of course I’m happy for you. But it’s not a good time to go making huge changes in our lives. Not when I’m this close to everything I’ve worked for.”

Anger exploded through me. “Isn’t that what you’re asking of me? To change the direction of my life to satisfy you? After everything I’ve worked for?”

With a feigned smile, he backpedaled. “It was just a suggestion, sweetheart.” In pure condescension, he patted my hand, like I didn’t know he never intended it to be anything close to a suggestion.

“What do you say we not make any decisions tonight?” he continued. “Wait and see what happens after this trip? Then we can decide. Deal?”

Though I nodded in acquiescence, my decision had already been made.