My eyes popped open to the blaring of my alarm clock. I flopped over, smacking at the little button on top to silence it. Groaning, I squeezed my eyes shut and wished for five minutes’ more sleep. But all those little kids were waiting for me.
Working at a private school summer day camp hadn’t exactly been my dream when I’d gone to college to get my degree, but it got my foot in the door, and I was all too happy to jump on the opportunity.
I’d always wanted to be a teacher, and if this job meant I got to be around a bunch of kids with eager minds, their little brains sponges, sucking in all the information around them, then sign me up. It was at a small private Christian school about five miles away, and a few of the regular teachers hadn’t been available to work during the summer program, so there’d been an opening.
My insecurities had screamed at me that I wasn’t qualified and that I might not want to work in such an intimate setting, but somehow I’d built up the courage to apply.
I’d loved it the second I stepped through the doors.
Beyond that, it made my parents happy. They loved the idea of me working at a small, conservative school, where I’d be safe and maybe some of that conservative would rub off on me. I was no wild child, like they’d chalked me up to be, and I’d spent the last seven years trying to prove that to them.
Funny how they’d accused me of conspiring with the devil when I was with Christopher yet they’d had nothing but praise for us when Ben had announced we were moving in together.
Warily, I looked over at him where he slept on his back on his side of the bed.
That announcement had come as a big old surprise to me, too. I’d done everything in my power to backpedal, giving up explanations that Ben was only joking around, because he had to be kidding. No sane man would just rent a house and announce to his girlfriend’s parents that they were moving in together without consulting her first.
But that had always been Ben’s way. Making decisions that weren’t his to make. Up to that point, they’d always been small and I’d just shrugged it off. Attributed it to his protective way. Our whole relationship he’d taken care of me. But this? It was the first time I’d begun to question his motives, this elaborate announcement that had made him look as if he were some kind of exaggerated hero, doing all of this for me, and cornering me so that any hesitation I showed just made me look like the unappreciative jerk.
What no one knew was that he’d asked me to move in with him the month before, and I’d told him I wasn’t ready for that.
Yet here I was.
Sighing, I climbed out of bed and headed for the en suite bathroom. I turned the showerhead to high and let the small room fill with steam as I peeled my tank and flannel sleep pants from my body.
That was just Ben – something I had to accept. He always thought he knew better than I did. And maybe he did.
He’d been right about Christopher.
I guarded my heart from the ache that flared at the thought of him, his black hair and searing green eyes, blocked the distinct memory of his laughter, a sound that struck me all the way to the core.
Thoughts of him had been all too frequent over the last week, since I’d run into Aly. A feeling of anxiety and dread had steadily built up in my gut as I thought of how close she was, somehow knowing that made him close, too. Like at any moment, I’d walk out the door and he’d be standing there, that potent smile at the ready to crush me all over again.
The worst part was that the anxiety and dread were growing into something that felt like anticipation, a sweet taste on my tongue that warned that something was to come.
But that’s what I needed to take it for. A warning. Not a promise.
Stepping into the shower, I closed my eyes and let the soothing water rush over me, the warmth washing me of all my pent-up thoughts and regrets, the hurt of Christopher and the worry over Stewart. If I let it, it’d all be too much to bear, and I had twenty-three other obligations waiting for me who all needed my undivided attention today.
Washed and shampooed, I managed to feel refreshed as I shut off the faucet, grabbed my towel, and began to dry off. I wrapped my towel snug under my arms, brushed my teeth, then ran a brush through the long sheets of my light blond hair. So maybe I felt a little too self-satisfied being dowsed in the smell of my brand-new yummy shampoo and body wash. As if maybe using them was just like lifting a big ol’ middle finger, one directed at Ben, one I’d never be brave enough to give him.
One that told him to stop acting like my father and more like my partner.
My lover.
But I’d started to question whether I still wanted him to be either of those things.
An unwelcome cringe assaulted me with the thought, followed by a wave of guilt. I knew I shouldn’t be in this place and with this man if it didn’t make me happy. If my heart wasn’t committed to this relationship. But my heart belonged in a place it should never go, to a man it never should have known, to an entity who was just as callous as Ben and my mother had promised he would be.
This… this was where I belonged.
I headed into the walk-in closet that lined the back of the bathroom, the space jammed full of both my and Ben’s things. The house was quaint but nice, a little on the small side, what most new families would consider a starter home.
No doubt it’d be scorching out, so I dressed in a flowy white skirt that went just past my knees, a cute pink top to match, and white sandals to top the outfit off. My pedicured red toenails peeked out, the color almost as red as the natural color of my lips. I brushed on the same clear lip gloss I’d picked up over the weekend.
I never put color on my lips.
For very foolish reasons.
But it was something that had stuck with me all these years.
I was almost tempted to grab one of the lipsticks Ben had surprised me with over the years, all of them left unopened, just to mute the vibrant color out. But doing so felt wrong, like a slap to the perfect memories I had of him, the ones I cherished before everything had gone right down a festering drain.
Hearing the shuffling behind me, I glanced up through the large mirror above the sink to find Ben lumbering into the bathroom, scratching his bare stomach while his mouth was wide with a yawn that was turned toward the ceiling.
He wasn’t an unattractive man. Quite the opposite.
And he definitely knew it.
His dark blond hair was a morning mess and his chocolate eyes watched me with appreciation as he approached.
I shuddered, and he smirked.
This was the part I hated, Ben watching me like he wanted to eat me when I had a hard time thinking of him as something beyond a friend.
“I see someone has left me with quite the invitation this morning… can’t say I don’t like it.” His voice was rough with the innuendo, and he went right for the hem of my skirt. He ran his hands up the outsides of my legs, gathering the material as he went, gripping my thighs.
“Sorry, but that’s not going to happen. I have to be at work in fifteen minutes.”
He ground himself against my ass. “I can make it fast.”
I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. No question he could.
Wriggling out of his hold, I sidestepped him, mustering the best smile I could find. “Sorry, babe, but I really have to go. You’ll have to take a rain check.”
Annoyance twisted his face into a scowl. “Those rain checks just keep piling up. You owe me big. One of these days I’m going to keep you in bed the entire day so you can pay up.”
Right.
I always owed him and he never let me forget it. But this was the one debt I was always loath to pay.
His eyes softened, and he grabbed my hand and pulled me into his chest. “I just miss you,” he whispered at the top of my head.
Another pang of guilt ribbed me, and I sighed into his hold, remembering how good he’d always been to me. Even though he pulled so much of this overbearing crap, I knew he really cared about me. “I know… I’m sorry I’ve been so busy lately. This new job is exhausting, so by the time I make it home at night, I’m completely spent.”
He kissed my temple. “Just as long as you’re coming home to me at night, that’s all that matters.”
Nodding weakly, I pulled away. “I’ll see you later.”
I hadn’t been lying when I told Ben I was spent by the end of the day. Late Friday afternoon, I turned the key to the lock of our little house, my feet dragging as I went inside. I dumped my purse and keys on the side table next to the door. Blowing an exhausted breath from my lungs, I flopped back on the couch.
As much as I loved those kids, they were filled with more energy than any one person should have. And I swore, every time they touched me, they zapped a little of my own energy and used it for themselves. Hyper didn’t come close to describing a room full of five-year-olds.
From the table, my phone chimed with that ring. I smiled and dragged myself up, never too tired for him. I grabbed my phone and settled back onto the couch.
I opened Snapchat and pressed my finger to the waiting message.
Stewart’s face lit up the entire screen, the biggest puppy-dog eyes begging from the image he’d captured.
Coming to see me Sunday?
Grinning, I snapped back an even bigger, eager smile, pretending it didn’t hurt to see him this way, instead showing him how excited I was to hear from him.
I wouldn’t miss it.
Stewart and I had a standing Sunday date. He rarely felt up to getting out of the house, so I brought over his favorite foods, praying something would seem appealing to him. I’d just hang out with him all afternoon, sitting on his bed and watching funny videos on his laptop or playing video games, even though they weren’t exactly my thing and I was terrible at them.
But for Stewart?
Video games suddenly became my very favorite hobby.
I dropped my phone to the floor and sank into the comfort of the plush cushions of the couch, my legs stretched out and propped up as I closed my eyes and let myself drift away.
When my phone dinged from the floor, I jumped, my eyes blinking rapidly as I tried to make sense of my surroundings. The room had dimmed as the sun had declined, evening filtering in through the loose, shimmery drapes hanging across the window.
I rubbed my face. Guess I’d been more tired than I’d thought. When I ran my finger across the front of my phone, I saw I’d been out cold for two hours. Then something inside me went cold when I saw the waiting message that had stirred me, but it was the kind of cold that burned and flamed, a warning of something unknown that I felt approaching like a building storm.
So maybe the text was just from Aly.
It still stopped my heart, as if her words were an extension of him, a tether that led me right back into the past.
Coffee tomorrow morning? 10ish?
I clutched my phone, warring with my decision though it had already been made. It was foolishness to the extreme, I knew, putting myself in this position, but I couldn’t stop my fingers from tapping across the screen.
Would love to. Where?
Five seconds later, my phone dinged with her reply.
Cory’s? Great coffee and even better pastries ;)
Nerves twisted my stomach, and I quickly typed my response.
Sounds perfect to me.
Perfect and completely ludicrous.
Great! C U then.
For a few seconds, I held my phone out in front of me, trying to convince myself to text her back, to tell her something had suddenly come up, some ridiculous excuse that she would know was exactly that.
An excuse.
Something like I’d suddenly moved out of state, never to return again.
Instead I jumped when my phone suddenly lit up with a message from Ben. I grimaced as I read it.
Picked a place for dinner. At Firebird’s by the mall. Will be waiting.
Reluctantly, I stood, gathered myself, and forced my feet to carry me out the door.
The next morning, I slowly pulled into the parking lot where the small mom-and-pop coffee shop rested in a tight corner of the popular plaza. The entire shopping center was packed on a Saturday morning, and I cautiously made my way through the crowded parking lot, searching for a spot. I pretended that I wasn’t relieved, that I wasn’t thankful for those few extra minutes that bought me a little more time.
Why I was so nervous, I didn’t know.
I eased into the first spot I found and cut the engine. The moment the air conditioner was off, heat engulfed the entire cabin. Yet there I sat, unable to propel myself out the car door.
Okay, so maybe the reason I was nervous was glaringly obvious. Because some huge part of me knew this was wrong, that I shouldn’t be here, and that I should run far, far away. The fact that I’d lied to Ben about where I was going this morning was evidence enough.
But the whole brokenhearted side of me, the one that was hoping to gain a measure of understanding? Her voice was just much louder than the one that whispered reason.
Opening the door, I stepped out into the sunshine. I’d pulled on my favorite jean shorts and a cute little tank, flip-flops on my feet. Rays of warmth hit my skin, and I relished the feel. People constantly asked me how I could live here, but I wouldn’t trade the heat for cold. Not for anything. It took someone growing up here to appreciate it.
For a second, I lifted my face to the sky and sucked in a breath of resolve, reminding myself that I actually liked Aly. I truly cared about her and wanted to catch up on her life. Meeting her wasn’t just a messed-up manipulation to bring me closer to Christopher.
With that resolution set firmly in place, I tucked my purse strap tight up on my shoulder and strode toward the coffee shop. I jogged across the busy lane right in front, hopping up onto the concrete landing.
Little metal tables with big red umbrellas were set out in the outdoor patio area in front, pots of flowers strategically placed around them. Misters cooled off the patrons who rested leisurely around the space, enjoying all the deliciousness the place had to offer.
I pulled in a deep breath through my nose as I headed for the entrance, the heavenly aroma of coffee wrapping me up and drawing me forward. I was a coffee whore and I wasn’t ashamed to admit it.
“Samantha,” a voice called from behind me, and I shifted my attention over my shoulder to see Aly working her way toward me, the infant car seat handle tucked in the crook of her elbow, the carrier bouncing at her side and her other arm weighted down by an overflowing diaper bag and a huge purse. She rushed across the busy lane I’d just crossed, her smile wide as she approached. A phone rang out from within the depths of her bag, and she lifted the entire load she had on her arm, as if she were contemplating how in the heck she was going to maneuver to reach it.
Awkwardly, I stretched out my arms and giggled as my hands flapped all around, searching for something to take from her. Then I laughed outright, feeling completely useless, standing there with a tiny little purse while Aly looked as if she’d taken on the world. “Can I help you?” I asked, reaching forward again.
Aly released a relieved laugh, one that was completely filled with ease and harmony, as if she found no burden in lugging all of this stuff around. “Oh gosh, thank you,” she said as she shifted the carrier into my hold and turned to dig through her purse.
I was almost surprised by her passing her daughter off to me so quickly, but I was quickly distracted by the sweet baby girl nestled in the seat, wearing the cutest onesie with tiny pink flowers all over it, all the hems edged in a satiny pink. Twisting the carrier around, I held it in both hands, the bottom of it pressed into my stomach, bringing her the closest I could get her. “Good morning, little Ella. How are you today?”
Her wide blue eyes latched onto mine, and she did one of those squirmy smiles where her head rolled back and her mouth lifted just at the side.
My heart swelled, and I cooed softly, murmuring all of her sweetness back to her.
I barely registered Aly’s conversation, though it was clear she was speaking with her husband, her voice lilted in a tone that was obviously reserved for him, playful and affectionate, edged with a hint of seduction. “You can’t do anything without me, can you?” she provoked him, smiling over at me and mouthing, Sorry.
I just shook my head, not offended or annoyed for a second, and instead I turned back to have a little more me time with Ella.
A thud of panic hit me when I realized I’d already claimed a little part of her as my own.
Foolish, foolish girl, I chastised myself. Watch yourself.
This wasn’t my family. Was it wrong that that fact hurt me? That I felt as if there was a huge missing piece in my life?
Yeah, it was probably very, very wrong.
Aly ended her call and tossed her phone back into her purse. “Sorry about that. The second I leave Jared at home by himself, he always needs something.”
My tease was knowing. “He just can’t stand when you’re gone.”
She grinned like a crushing schoolgirl. “Pretty much.” She shook it off and reached for the seat. “Here, let me take that. I didn’t mean to make you a babysitter.”
“Oh, I’ve got her. Let me give you a little break while we order. I want to eat her up, she is so cute.” Adoration filled my voice as I turned back to Ella, who had her sight set on her mom.
Aly shook Ella’s hand, her words soft. “She does have that effect on people.” Aly gestured to the entrance. “Come on, let’s get something to drink. And I’m dying for one of their apple strudels.”
I followed her inside. We ordered and found a little spot in the shade outside. Aly unfastened Ella and pulled her into her arms, relaxing back and sipping from her iced decaf latte. It didn’t matter to me how hot it was outside, I liked my coffee the way nature intended it, piping hot, warming up my body from the inside out.
For a few minutes we rested in the comfortable silence between us. Birds chirped from the tree that grew up close to our table, and there was a distinct calm out on the patio as people took a break from the hustle of their lives, couples chatting quietly with each other, some absorbed in a book, others looking off into nothing at all.
Finally Aly sighed in contentment and smiled across at me. “Thank you for meeting me today. After we left you last weekend, I was a little worried I had put you on the spot.”
I shook my head. “Not at all. I was excited when I got your text.”
Completely freaked-out and panicked, but excited. She really didn’t need to know that, though.
She rested back against her chair, slowly rocking Ella, who she’d shifted up to her shoulder. “So tell me all about you. What have you been up to all these years?”
A soft chuckle fell from me, and I shook my head as I thought of the last seven years, realizing not a whole lot had happened, all the day-to-day stuff that made up a million memories, though very few of them stood out.
“I guess there isn’t a whole lot to tell. I finished up college here this last May, and I got a job for the summer at a small private school not too far from here… Which I love,” I added quickly.
“That is wonderful.” She smiled. “I remember you telling me you wanted to be a teacher.”
I nodded, a self-conscious blush landing on my face. “Thank you… I did always want it. It feels incredible to finally be finished with school and get started. All the kids are great.”
I took a sip of my coffee. “Sean and Stephanie are both doing really well. Stephanie’s going to school out in California, and Sean is here at ASU.” I swallowed hard. “And Stewart…” I trailed off, the lump in my throat growing solid and thick. “He did really great for quite a few years, but he got sick again about six months ago.” Moisture filled my eyes, and I swiped at the wayward tear that slipped free. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to get all weepy on you.”
Aly reached her hand across the table, taking mine. “Hey, don’t apologize. I asked about your life because I wanted to know how you are… how your family is.”
A swell of gratitude got all mixed up with my sadness, thankfulness that Aly was willing to be there, even after I hadn’t seen her in years and years, thankfulness that she was so kind and seemed willing to just listen.
I didn’t have a whole lot of that in my life.
I nodded a grateful acceptance and continued over my choppy explanation. “God, Aly… I thought he was out of the woods and we didn’t have anything to worry about. Then he started feeling weak and developed a cough. My mom took him in to the doctor just to check it out, and in the matter of days, our worlds were turned upside down again.”
Sympathy wet her own eyes. “I’m so sorry, Sam. I hate hearing he’s going through this again… that you and your family are going through this again.”
We sat in a few minutes of silence, Aly letting me gather my staggered breath, before she shot me a playful stare. “And…,” she drew out, prodding for something that was so plain to her while I sat there without a clue.
My brow quirked in question.
“Your boyfriend?” she asked, as if it should have been natural that I would first have blurted everything about him, swooning like I should be after I’d met the man of my dreams. A frown crossed her face when she took in my expression, which I guessed to be verging on numb. Her frown deepened. “You did tell me you lived with your boyfriend, right? Did I misunderstand?”
Fidgeting, I laughed off the unease. “Oh no, sorry,” I apologized again, feeling like an idiot. “I do live with my boyfriend. Do you remember Ben Carrington?”
Aly seemed to sift around in her memories before she shook her head. “I don’t think so. Should I?”
I lifted an indifferent shoulder. “Probably not… He’s four years older than me and went to high school across town, but he used to hang out with some of the guys from the old neighborhood sometimes, so I thought you might have met him.”
She pursed her lips. “Nope, can’t place the face.” Her green eyes gleamed with a warm mirth. “You’ll have to introduce me sometime.”
“Yeah, sure… of course. He’s sells health care policies to small companies. Travels a lot. He’s a good guy.” I described him with all the enthusiasm I could muster, which this morning was about zero. My gaze wandered off to the side because I was afraid it was completely obvious, the lackluster response to her interest in my boyfriend up against the flagrant way my heart hammered with the questions about Christopher that continually swirled through my mind. Inside, I was begging her to mention him, to give me just a hint of what he was doing or where he was.
How he was.
The dimming in her eyes told me she’d caught on to it. She pulled in a deep breath, hesitated, then dropped her voice to a mere whisper as she leaned in closer to the table, careful to protect her daughter’s head. “You can ask about him, you know.”
I lifted my face to her, and that lump from earlier was back in full force, knotting up my throat with unspent emotion. “I’m not sure that I can.”
A war raged inside me, one side desperate and destitute, the other rigid and strong. Funny how the damaged side felt so much more powerful than the fortified.
That scared me.
I was sure that fact was written all over my trembling face.
Aly managed to lean in closer. “Let me ask you something. Are you here because you wanted to hang out with me or because I’m Christopher’s sister?”
That rigid side reared its head, and I met the curiosity in her gaze. “Let me ask you something. Are you here because you wanted to hang out with me or because I’m Christopher’s ex-girlfriend?”
Aly sat back with a wry laugh. “Touché.” Her head shook as if she were trying to make sense of it, to find the straight truth in her answer. That was one thing I was sure I would get from Aly, something genuine and without condition or expectation. It was the thing that kept me sitting in this chair even though I felt more vulnerable than I had in a long, long time.
Apparently the Moores had that way about them.
“Honestly?” Chewing at her lip, she stared across at me, her eyes kind and open. “I was really excited to run into you. But seeing you definitely did make me think about my brother and the way he is.”
I cringed.
The way he is.
Of course I knew what she was talking about, but a piece of me had been holding out hope that he’d become a different man from the one I’d left in that room staring at me without remorse while I stood frozen in outright horror. The night he’d broken every ounce of trust I’d had.
“I won’t pretend that I know all that much about your relationship or what happened between you two. All I know is my brother was the happiest he’s ever been when he was with you.”
Another stake right through my failing heart.
Remorse took up the whole of Aly’s face. “And I know it all fell apart when everything went down with Jared. Watching his best friend lose his mother and then himself. Christopher basically lost Jared at the same time.”
I remained mute, unsure how to respond. She had so much of it right, though there were holes all over her assumptions, all of them punched out by my insecurities and Christopher’s callousness.
Sighing, she hugged her daughter close, as if she were protecting her family as she drifted into the past. “My husband has been through a lot and has overcome so much, Samantha, and I’m pretty sure Christopher got lost in the shuffle. Believe me, he hasn’t said a word about what happened between you two, and I’m going to be truthful and tell you I’ve often thought about it… wondering about everything that happened with Jared and how it affected Christopher… how he just kind of lost it after. And I’ve thought about you,” she admitted quietly, “wondering if you were okay or if he’d left you broken, too.”
My mouth twisted up with pain, remorse and regret and guilt spinning through my being. That breaking had gone both ways.
Aly flinched, just the smallest fraction, but it was there, the woman insightful. Her head pitched just to the side. “Judging by the look on your face, I’m going to take a wild guess and say it went a whole lot deeper than what happened with Jared.”
It did. It went so deep that it’d cut me right in two. But I wasn’t ready to tell her that. Offering a halfhearted shrug, I issued the lamest excuse I could find. “We were young.” As if our ages had diminished anything we’d felt.
Puffing out a knowing breath, Aly softened. “I love my brother. He’s truly amazing. He constantly makes me laugh. But it goes far beyond that. He’s caring. Loves with everything he has. This little girl?” She patted Ella’s back. “He’d do absolutely anything for her. He is one of the best guys I know when it comes to us… to his family. But I know he doesn’t see the rest of the world that way, and he most definitely doesn’t see himself that way. It makes me sad. I worry about him. He’s messed up, but I won’t judge him for anything he’s done in his past… just like I won’t judge you.”
I cut my attention away. God, she could see right through me. Finally I lifted my gaze and shook my head in surrender. “It doesn’t matter, Aly. What’s done is done. And neither me nor your brother can undo it.”
Even if either of us wanted to.
She looked like she was going to object, so I interrupted. “Enough about me. Tell me about you. How in the heck did you end up with Jared Holt?”
I sat back and listened to what had to be the most heartbreaking story I’d ever heard, but my saddened spirit warmed as she spoke of glimpses of light, of a hope that was slowly breathed into a man who’d thought he’d lost everything and deserved nothing. Right up to the point where they brought that precious little girl into the world.
“Wow,” I said.
“Yeah,” she agreed, the word filled with awe.
“And what are you doing now?” I asked, taking a sip of my coffee, which had gone lukewarm.
For the first time, Aly looked self-conscious. She bit her lip. “I went to art school and I started drawing some portraits for families, but I haven’t done quite as much with it since Ella was born. I really hope to get back into it soon. It’s nice because I can do a lot of it from home.”
“That’s incredible.”
“Thank you.”
I glanced at my phone. We’d already been at the coffee shop for two hours. “I’d better get going. I’m taking up your entire Saturday.” I looked at her with a sincere and happy smile. “It was really great catching up with you. I’m so happy for you. I hope you know that.”
She returned my smile with a warm and honest one of her own. “I think I do know that.” She paused, seeming to waver, before she rushed out, “Don’t say no before you hear me out, but we’re having a small get-together tonight at our house, just a barbecue with a couple of guys from Jared’s work.”
I immediately started to protest, but she held up her hand. “Christopher won’t be there. He already had plans with one of his other friends and said he couldn’t make it. I’d love for you to come.”
My mouth snapped closed. I wasn’t sure if it was in disappointment or relief.
Victory glinted in Aly’s eyes.
Yep, she could see right through me.
“Come over at seven. I’ll text you our address. I’m betting you could walk over if you wanted to.”
Quickly I stood, flooded with a sudden and overwhelming need to escape again. Still, there was no stopping the surrender that rushed from my mouth.
“Okay.”