I fisted my hair in my hands, doing my best not to lose my shit, trying to keep from coming unglued right here in the middle of my sister’s quiet house. This place was supposed to be a sanctuary, where I could come and leave all the bullshit I got myself into behind. Where I could pretend like I was living for something instead of admitting that I was wasting my life away.
Never had that fact been more glaring than now.
A waste.
A total fucking waste, because my entire life had just gone running out Aly’s front door.
That mouth.
That fucking mouth.
I was one second from losing my goddamned mind, one second from losing sanity.
When I’d confronted her at the sliding door, Samantha had been no more than one staggered breath away. So close I could almost taste her. Everything that was sweet filled up my nose and invaded my senses. My heart stumbled, and all that rushing blood decided it was a good idea to travel straight to my aching cock.
After all, I was just a man, and that girl was single-handedly responsible for who I was today.
It’d taken just about every ounce of power I had inside me to keep from leaning in and taking what should have always been mine – that mouth that was all red and perfect, twisted up like a tiny little bow, taunting me with what I couldn’t have.
Like only a minute had passed instead of years, she’d managed to suck me right back into the endless blue of her expressive eyes. Just like she always had. But this time they were all dark and turbulent and wounded, as if she had no idea what she’d done to me, as if just her setting foot inside this house hadn’t brought the walls closing in and the ground crumbling beneath my feet.
Like maybe she thought it should be me apologizing to her.
And damn if it didn’t piss me off.
Did she have no fucking clue how bad it hurt to even think about her? And there she’d been, standing there in all that glorious flesh, luring me forward like she was some kind of forbidden fruit.
Anger clenched my jaw, that emotion in an all-out war with the relief that had come barreling in like a freight train when my body had trembled with awareness, all my nerves set on high alert, as if they could sense some kind of impending change in the air.
And that change had been standing right at the end of Aly’s hallway.
At first I’d thought I was hallucinating. I mean, how many times had I imagined her? Saw myself touching her. Loving her. Too many times I’d wondered what she’d look like now with all these years passed. Would she still be good and sweet and innocent, or had I damaged her so much that she’d become just like the rest of the girls I could barely stand?
Should’ve known those fantasies wouldn’t come close to doing her justice.
She’d always been beautiful. But in a soft sort of way, all of it subdued by her modesty and kindness, her shy smile and bright eyes filled with the excitement of the future and a genuine kind of innocence that had knocked something loose inside me the first time I saw her. No doubt that’s what had drawn me to her in the first place. I liked that she didn’t know how pretty she was. Like maybe I was the only one who recognized it and I’d be the one who got to convince her of it.
Or maybe it was just that she really didn’t care. She didn’t make it the center of her world or wield it like power to garner herself attention or manipulate those around her.
But God, there was no hiding that striking beauty now.
She was still petite, probably a full foot shorter than my six foot four, but time had cut away the roundness of her cheeks. Now they were high and defined, accentuating the sharp line of her jaw. It only drew attention to the delicate skin that graced the soft slope of her neck. Skin I’d do just about anything to get lost in. Those deep blue eyes were keen with an understanding that came only with loss, but still wide and pure and enough to see straight through me, like with just a glance she could crush every wall I’d ever set in place.
And that body… God, that body was just too much. Every kind of perfection. She was thin, but not skinny, her hips curvy and her chest full. Her legs were strong and toned, almost defiant in their stance when she faced me, even though I’d seen the way her knees had rocked when my gaze first locked on her eyes.
Her blond hair, so light it was almost white, had been cut in long sheets that fell around her slender shoulders to the middle of her back, and her bangs hung across her forehead to form a frame around that beautiful face that had haunted me for years.
Which brought me right back to that mouth.
Good God, that mouth. I didn’t know how I stopped myself. Overwhelming desire had taken me like a damned prisoner. It’d taken my all not to crush myself to those lips that were so red and lush.
Instead I’d uttered the worst kind of profanity – pure and blatant blasphemy – as I demanded that she stay out of my life and out of my family’s lives.
Because there was no piece of me that could handle her here.
“What the hell is your problem?” With the venomous voice, I jerked to look over my shoulder.
Kristen stood with her arms crossed over her chest, her tits making a bid to climb right over the top of her collar. She was all ruffled and pissed and offended, her face twisted up in a sneer.
I’d forgotten she was even here.
Of course, I’d used her like a goddamned prop when I’d found Samantha there, and a second was spent feeling guilty for employing her as a tactic in some kind of defective defense mechanism. But really, that pang of guilt was all wrapped up in the expression that had slurred across Samantha’s face, reflecting back betrayal and disloyalty.
Which was exactly what it’d been.
“Christopher, what do you think you’re doing here?” Aly demanded from behind, stepping inside.
Awesome.
I was getting assaulted on all sides, by Kristen, who thought I owed her something, and by my sister, who I was feeling just a little bit pissed off at. All week I’d known something was up. Aly had been acting all sketchy while Jared’s mouth had remained locked up tight. Neither of them had said a word or thought it’d be wise to give me a warning. Like they didn’t have a single clue how seeing her would mess me up.
I had to admit, that was probably the truth. None of them had a single clue. Because over the years, I’d remained just as tight-lipped as the two of them had this week.
It was much easier to live up to my reputation, give myself over to being a lecherous asshole, than admit I’d gone and let myself get crushed up by a tiny girl who shouldn’t ever have had the power to turn me inside out.
I turned and glared at my sister, who passed Ella off to Jared. Jared stood right behind Aly, watching me over her shoulder, his eyes digging deep, as if he were trying to search through my thoughts. Aly fretted, looking behind me toward the door, clearly more concerned for her guest who had fled than for me.
That kind of pissed me off, too. “What the hell was she doing here?” It came as a harsh rasp.
“I invited her,” Aly shot back on a hard whisper, like she had every right in the world to summon Samantha back into our lives.
I laughed, the sound humorless and mocking. I drove my hands through my hair and looked toward the ceiling. I leveled my eyes back on her. “You invited her.” I drew out the words, testing out just how angry I was against the roaring in my ears that was screaming at me to run after Samantha, just to get a taste.
Just one more taste and maybe I could wipe all the pent-up memories away. Regrets that I’d always thought I could cover up with the delirious rush of numbness I felt when I was buried in a vacant, willing body. All that greedy nothingness I found myself seeking day after day.
Maybe I could make Samantha that.
A body.
Maybe she’d feel like nothing, just like everyone else.
Maybe then I’d be okay.
Maybe then I could let all this bullshit go.
“Yes, I invited her. I like her and I always have. Do you have a problem with that?”
Sarcastic, incredulous laughter erupted from my throat. “Did you really think I wouldn’t have one? Isn’t that what you’ve been hiding this entire week?”
Instantly, remorse creased the corners of my sister’s eyes. She stretched out her hand and gently set it on my forearm. I didn’t know how badly I was shaking until she tried to still me. “God, I’m sorry, Christopher. Honestly… I didn’t mean to upset you or try to trick you. You said you weren’t coming, so I thought it was safe to invite her. I’d never hurt you on purpose. You have to know that.”
Of course I knew that. But that didn’t change the fact that Samantha had been here, in my space, a place I couldn’t allow her to invade.
“What were you doing talking to her in the first place, Aly?”
She should have known better.
She dropped her gaze to her feet before she looked up at me. She seemed to hesitate, wavering on what she wanted to say, how much she wanted to admit. “She lives here in the neighborhood with her boyfriend. Just a street down. Jared and I ran into her at the store last week and we exchanged numbers. I just… I wanted to catch up with her. She told me her brother was sick again, and I’m pretty sure she needs a friend. So I invited her.”
Bile burned a hole in my gut. I choked over the acrid taste as it rushed up my throat. I couldn’t hear anything beside the fact that her brother was sick again and that she had a boyfriend. That she was living with him. Vile images corrupted my already beat-up mind, and I wanted to claw my eyes out. The idea of someone touching her made my skin crawl.
And Stewart. Memories of his smile swelled as I pinched my eyes closed, that kid… that fucking awesome kid who was supposed to be okay.
Goddamn it.
I wanted to punch something. I couldn’t do this. I had to get out of here, away from everything I didn’t want to face, away from what was supposed to be long forgotten, brushed right under a tidy little rug and trampled underfoot, squashed into nothing.
Obliterated from my mind.
Kristen laughed a bitchy little laugh. “I’m not sticking around for this shit, Christopher. Why you had to drag me over here for this, I don’t know, but I’m obviously not welcome and I have better things to do.”
I turned back to her. “Then go.”
Her eyes narrowed, and something like disappointment filled them before she headed toward the door, mumbling, “Guess you really are an asshole, aren’t you.” Kristen stormed out the door and slammed it behind her.
There went my ride.
The walls shook, evoking a small cry from a startled Ella.
Damn it.
I turned back to Aly, my attention darting between her, Jared, and Ella, who Jared was now trying to calm, and then to some of the guys from work and Megan staring at me from where they sat out back, all of them getting mixed up in my mess.
I felt on the spot. Caged. Like there was something inside me savage and untamed, fighting to be unleashed. I glared across at Jared. “I need a ride.”
Without a second thought, he lifted his chin in consent, handed Ella back to Aly, and kissed my sister on the top of the head. “I’ll be back in a bit.”
Aly nodded against his mouth, cradled her daughter to her chest as she looked on with worry and questions and all the shit I didn’t want to deal with.
“Sorry,” I blurted out, not sure what I was apologizing for, but I was pretty sure that everything that had just gone down had ruined everyone’s night.
Especially mine.
“Christopher,” Aly attempted, taking a step forward, and I lifted a hand to stop her.
“Not tonight, Aly. You said you were being honest with me. I can accept that. But I have to be honest with you. I’m really pissed off at you right now. You should’ve told me.”
She cringed. There was no question Aly hadn’t done it maliciously, because there was nothing in her that was bad. But she had this thing about her, keeping secrets from me when she thought she was protecting me, when she thought she was protecting what was important to her.
I didn’t appreciate it when she pulled it when she started hooking up with Jared, and I sure as hell didn’t appreciate it now.
Jared clapped me on the shoulder as he passed. “Come on, man, let’s get you home.”
I hated the guilt that was etched in deep lines across Aly’s forehead, so I went to her. As I approached, she lifted her head, and I dropped a swift kiss to the frown marring her forehead, going for the light that I always used, the fuckup who was always laughing because he didn’t give a shit about anything.
Tonight it wasn’t so easy to pretend.
“Don’t worry about it,” I tossed out, doing my best to convince her it was nothing when we all so obviously knew it was something. I turned to walk away.
Her soft voice hit me from behind. “There’s never a time when I don’t worry about you, Christopher.”
I slowed but didn’t look back. I stepped out into the night. Gusts of wind whipped along the desert floor, stirring up dust and leaves. The high-pitched trill of bugs echoed from the dense trees Jared had planted out front.
I slowed, breathing fresh air in while I fought against the pull begging me to look in the direction I knew Samantha had to have gone, like I was being drawn into the darkness.
That same suffocating tightness got all locked up in my chest, and I wanted to lash out, because I hated feeling this way. Hated feeling out of control. Hated feeling like I was quickly losing my grip.
A long time ago I learned how to be comfortable.
One second of Samantha? There wasn’t one cell inside me that was comfortable, every single one of them trembling with some kind of unease. Funny how I’d been the one who was supposed to be trouble, the one everyone warned her to stay away from, guarding that sweet little heart from whatever destruction I would bring.
And maybe she should have stayed away.
I knew I wasn’t good for her, that I was being selfish taking from something that was so pure and good.
But what I never anticipated was how I should have protected myself from her. I had never expected that she’d come ripping through my life just as fiercely as I’d gone ripping through hers, both of us tearing everything apart, leaving us wrecked.
Jared clicked the fob to his truck. The running lights flashed in the driveway and the locks popped. Climbing in, we slammed the doors shut in unison, the overhead lights dimming slowly, leaving the two of us sitting in a charged silence, staring out the windshield.
“Sorry, man,” he finally said, slanting his gaze in my direction. “That was messed up. Should’ve said something, but really, I didn’t think it would matter all that much.”
I shrugged, grunted. “It doesn’t.”
Low, disbelieving laughter rumbled from him, and his mouth twisted up in a wry smile. “Really? Sure doesn’t look that way to me.”
“Just caught me off guard, that’s all.”
“Right.” Sarcasm dripped from the word, laced with an undertone of sympathy. “I don’t think I’ve seen you so spun up since the night you found me with your sister. And we all know how that ended.”
I shot him a warning glare. “Fuck you, man. Don’t even start on me. I don’t need your two cents when it isn’t welcome.”
Releasing a low chuckle, he turned over the ignition, and his giant truck rumbled to life. He dug for the stash of gum he kept in the door side pocket and stuffed a piece into his mouth. Dude had gone and given up his bike the day he married my sister, crumbled up his last pack of cigarettes the day Ella was born. Guess he realized he had something to live for, after all.
“Funny, ’cause you never hesitated to give me yours when I didn’t ask for it.”
Somehow I managed a grin. “That’s because you were in dire need of it, my friend. Always going off the deep end, pulling all that emo crap on me. Figured it was on me to intervene.”
Jared had been through some major rough patches. We always gave each other a hard time, tearing each other down when in reality we were just building each other up. But not on the serious shit – not until now, when he could look at it all in a different light. I’d gotten into his business because I really fucking cared, wanted him to be better and to have a good life after all the shit he had gone through.
He flashed an almost challenging smile and backed out onto the street, turning down the path I knew she had taken. “So maybe it’s my turn to intervene.”
“Don’t need it, man. I’m just fine, so don’t you and my sister go and start scheming up any plans to rescue me, because I’m not in need of rescue, as much as she might think I am.”
Aly had been hounding me lately, making comments that it was time to settle down, that I needed to find someone who really made me happy. Apparently she thought that came in the form of her digging up my ghosts.
No, thank you, little sister.
“So what brought you to our house in the first place?”
Blowing out a breath, I shrugged. “Nothin’ really. Kristen texted, offered to pick me up before we went out. Thought I’d stop by really quick and get a little taste of normal before I gave myself over to another night of debauchery.” I lifted a telling brow, and Jared just shook his head, because he knew exactly what a night of that entailed.
I should’ve known better than to bring Kristen there, though. That was stupid in itself. I didn’t like mixing my worlds, and I sure as hell didn’t want Ella growing up watching me parading one girl in just as quickly as I kicked another out.
Guilt throbbed deep in my chest.
That little girl didn’t need to witness that shit, didn’t need that kind of influence, and the last thing I wanted was for my niece to look at me in a negative light. But as strong as that need was, it hadn’t stopped the words from tumbling from my mouth when I’d suggested to Kristen that we stop by my sister’s really quick.
Fucking brilliant idea.
Jared headed out onto the main road toward my house. “You could have called.”
Even though his eyes were trained ahead, watching the road, I could still feel them searching me, all his questions perfectly posed to get inside my pounding head.
“Do I ever call?” I defended. “I do seem to recall the two of you saying I was welcome anytime.”
He hefted out a regretful sigh. “Yeah, you are, and you’re always gonna be.” Silence fell between us, before he glanced toward me, then shifted his attention right back to the road. “Listen, I’m sorry for the way things went down. Bottom line, we should have said something, whether we thought it mattered or not. The fact that we had to think about it at all should have told us that what we were doing wasn’t cool.”
Jared pulled to a stop at the curb in front of my house. Headlights splayed out across the pavement ahead of us, and I looked to the side, where the face of my house was engulfed in darkness. Agitation curled through me, and I gripped the door handle, wanting to fucking run from here just as badly as I’d wanted to run from Aly’s house, knowing there wasn’t one place in this world where I’d find relief for what I was feeling tonight.
Seeing her had ripped those old wounds open wide, leaving me raw. Hearing about her brother?
That killed me.
I thought if just one good thing came out of it all, it was that Stewart was finally healthy, that he could live and Samantha could go on. Then maybe I could, too.
But I hadn’t. I’d gotten stuck in that moment, lost to that memory of how fucking bad it’d hurt when she’d looked at me that way. Like she was terrified of me. Like she didn’t recognize who I was. Then her words confirmed that she believed everything her parents had been spewing my way.
Maybe they’d been right all along.
But all I’d wanted was to prove to her that I was different.
“You okay?” Jared’s voice broke into my thoughts, and I shook my head, staring at my lap as I unlatched the door.
“Sure,” I said, knowing it sounded just as weak as I felt, and I forced myself from his truck and into the dark.
Overhead light poured down on his face, and I watched as Jared’s brow knitted, concern forming a line between his eyes as he looked across at me standing in the open door.
Without a word, I shut it, dragging my feet as I headed for my front door. Jared’s engine rumbled as he shifted into gear, seemingly reluctant when he finally drove away.
Inside my little house, I flicked on the light to the main living area. My place was nice, the space decorated in blacks and grays and reds by my mom and my sister, who’d clearly hoped to make it some kind of upscale bachelor pad that still felt cozy and homey.
But I was pretty sure one person couldn’t make a home.
Tonight, that loneliness screamed back at me, a crude reminder that I was wholly and utterly alone. It didn’t matter how many friends I had or how many girls I took to my bed.
And it was my fault. I knew it. Accepted responsibility for it. But that didn’t mean it didn’t suck.
I went straight for the updated kitchen. Speckled green-and-black granite graced the countertops, compliments of the new business. The appliances were also new and sleek and for the most part unused. I opened the top cabinet, rummaged around for the bottle of Patrón I had stashed there. I fumbled for a shot glass, filled it to the brim, and tossed it back.
The amber liquid burned a roiling path down my throat, hitting my raw stomach like a fiery stone. Another roll of nausea writhed in my gut.
I felt sick.
Unsettled.
Unsound.
Because everything was wrong.
I slammed another four shots. Taking in deep, even breaths, I braced my hands on the counter and dropped my head between my arms, forcing the alcohol to stay down, before I hauled myself up long enough to stumble down the hall. I flung myself face-first onto my unmade bed, the gray and black and red theme from the living room duplicated here.
In my darkened room, memories spun and spiraled, and as hard as I fought to keep them away, they firmly took root in the forefront of my mind. Tonight, there was no hiding from the expression that had haunted me for years, when every hope I’d ever had for us was erased in the desperation of one incoherent second. When I’d pushed too far and Samantha had cut me loose.
It was the first time I’d truly hated myself, the moment I made Samantha cry, after I’d promised her again and again that I wanted to be the one to dry her tears, to hold her up when she was falling apart. I’d wanted her to need me just as badly as I’d needed her.
But just like her parents had said, like what that asshole Ben had said, I couldn’t live up to it, couldn’t ever be good enough – even when every piece of me wanted to be.
Wrapping myself around a pillow, I pulled in a deep breath. I could still smell her. All that sweet innocence filled up the well of my lungs. Immediately I was assailed by that picture from earlier tonight, that perfectly wretched instant when her mouth had parted when I’d traced along her jaw, like she was silently begging me to give in to what I so desperately wanted.
I squeezed my eyes tighter.
That mouth.
Every sick part of me had sought out the feel of it through an endless string of girls, hoping just one of them would make me feel an ounce of what a mere brush of hers did. A physical replacement for the hole Samantha had gouged out right at the center of my chest, a festering pool feeding the asshole I’d let myself become.
But that had always been the problem.
With Samantha, it had never been just physical.