“Aaron, it’s fine,” I say to him for the tenth time. He’s upset that I’ve decided to work solely from home. But this was the best choice. I don’t want to work side by side with him every day, and this gives me a chance to stay home with Aarabelle and the new baby. I’m now nineteen weeks and starting to feel self-conscious around everyone.
“Something’s going on with you.” He walks over to where I am and looks at me.
Shit. He’s going to know. I’ve been extra careful about dressing in baggy clothes and keeping everything hidden.
This is Aaron, the SEAL interrogator. The one who knows every trick in the book. He and Liam are cut from the same cloth. The last two weeks, Aaron and I have gotten along really well. Our divorce is now final and we’re both free to move on. We’ve promised each other, for Aarabelle’s sake, to not be hateful. He knows where my heart lies, and I know he needs to find his.
He’s not a bad guy and he never was. He was a confused man who made some bad decisions. Unfortunately, for him, it cost him greatly. Cost all of us. Even with us not being together, he’s proven to be a phenomenal father to Aarabelle. Each week he comes and has dinner with us, and every other weekend he takes her.
“Please don’t Jedi mind trick me. I just have a lot on my mind.” I try to brush him off.
“No, that’s not it.”
“I need you to stop, please,” I implore him. I don’t want him to know before Liam. I don’t want him to know at all, but there’s no avoiding that. I’m starting to show a more defined bump, but today I have a sweatshirt on. There’s no way he can see my stomach.
“I’m just worried.” Aaron stops and waits.
My cell phone rings, stopping this awkward and very uncomfortable conversation. I look at the number and I don’t recognize it.
“Hello?” I answer.
“Natalie?” A man’s voice I don’t recognize asks.
“Yes, who is this?”
“This is Aidan Dempsey, Liam’s father. I have your number from Liam’s emergency file he sent before he left.”
“Oh, hello, Mr. Dempsey.” Concern sweeps in. “Is everything okay?”
Liam’s father sighs and takes a long pause. “I’m sorry to call like this,” he stops again and sniffs, “I just—I don’t know what to do,” he says and my heart plummets.
I clutch my throat and Aaron is at my side in a moment. “What’s wrong?” I barely get the words out.
“My wife,” he stops and catches his breath. “She was in an accident. And the doctors . . . they aren’t saying anything yet. But the accident was bad.” The pain is evident in his voice and I feel both relief and tension. It’s not Liam, but this won’t be any easier.
“I’m so sorry.”
“I need him to come home.” He begins to cry and my heart splinters into a million shards. My legs start to shake. I need to sit. “She’s not going to make it, and they said to get the family here, but it’s just me and Liam left.” His Irish brogue grows thick as his emotions swell.
“Is he?” Aaron says, and I shake my head.
“I can help. I need some information from you. He’s out on a mission, but I’ll do everything I can.” Tears well in my eyes as I think of how badly this is going to wreck Liam. His sister died and that was horrible, now his mother is barely hanging on.
Liam’s father gives me all the information about his mother’s condition and where she is. I write everything down, and Aaron rests his hand on my shoulder in silent support.
His father lets out a deep breath, “I can’t tell him.”
“It’s okay, Mr. Dempsey, I’ll get Liam home.”
We disconnect and Aaron looks at me with empathy. It gives me a tiny amount of hope that we can all find a way to get along. “This is going to break him, Lee. When Krissy died, he almost lost his mind. I was there.” Aaron reminds me.
He went with Liam to his sister’s funeral. Aaron told me when he got back from Ohio how bad he took it. How the guy who would laugh and joke could barely smile. Even now, it’s difficult for him to talk about her. She developed a blood clot that killed her in her sleep.
I look at Aarabelle and my emotions flood like a dam that opened. I imagine being that mother and entering her room. Seeing her asleep and knowing I was right there. It becomes overwhelming and I start to sob.
“It’s too much,” I cry out.
Aaron crouches down and grabs my hands. “I can’t believe I’m saying this . . . but you need to be strong. He’s going to need you. I can handle Aarabelle for a bit if you need to go. I would offer to go, but I don’t think we’re quite there yet.” Aaron looks away.
“Are you sure you can handle her for that long?”
He sighs, “I’m sure, and if not, I’ll get help.”
“I’m not trying to be a bitch, but I don’t want her around our daughter.”
Aaron looks away and then back at me. “I was never with her. I said it to piss you off.”
“Great.”
“I’m sorry,” he says with shame painting his face.
He lied. Again.
“I need to get an AmCross in.” I stand and head over to my binder. The American Red Cross has to put the information in and then it goes to his command. Being that it’s his mother, I can’t see his command denying him the chance to come home.
Once I get the message in, Aaron and I sit quietly. Aarabelle is asleep and I wait for Liam or his father to call. He’d fly into Virginia, and then I don’t know where we go from there.
Aaron clears his throat and I look up. “I can stay here if that’s okay with you,” he offers.
“I appreciate you helping out.” Throughout these past few weeks, we’ve grown as friends. There’s no spark or connection, at least for me, but the friendship that was always there is still strong.
“Why don’t you get some sleep? I’ll stay here and if something happens, at least I’ll already be here.”
I nod and look at my phone. It’s been hours and still no call. I know these things can take some time, but it’s not something we have the luxury of. Every minute is precious and I feel like we’re waiting for the clock to stop ticking.
Once in my room, I lie down and my mind won’t quit. I’m distraught over the fact that Liam will have to endure any pain. I love him and know what it feels like to lose someone you love. I would never wish that on anyone. The hands of time haven’t been fair to either of us. We’ve both endured immense pain, but through it found the beauty in each other.
I close my eyes and clutch my phone waiting for his call. I don’t know how much they’ll tell him, but I hope Mason knows enough to let him call me after. Hopefully, in less than twenty-four hours, we’ll be together, where I can be the rock he needs.
I awake with the sun shining and leap out of bed. Glancing at my phone, I see there are no missed calls. That makes no sense. He should’ve called home by now. It was an emergency. No matter if he was on a mission or not, he would have communication with the base unit.
Aaron will know. I rush down the stairs where he’s drinking coffee while Aarabelle plays with her toys. “Morning,” he says and takes a sip.
“Hey, I’m worried. He didn’t call.” I waste no time explaining my fear.
“If they’re out in hostile territory, he won’t be able to. He may have to finish out the mission and then come back. He’ll get in touch when he can. Sucks he was out and not at base,” Aaron tries to reassure me. “I know this sounds fucked up, but we know the risks when we deploy. We know we may never get to say goodbye to someone dying. We miss births of babies and a lot of holidays. It sucks but it’s also the way we live.”
“Do you miss it?” I always wondered this.
When he got out of the Navy, I always felt it was more for Mark and Jackson. Jackson was the leader and he was the first not to take another commission. Mark was enlisted and he followed suit. But Aaron wavered. He wasn’t hurt in the firefight like they were. Aaron came back different though.
“No, I’m not going anywhere again. I have my daughter, and I wouldn’t ever put you through something like this again,” he says and looks away. The tone in his voice makes the underlying message clear.
“What does that mean?” I can’t help but ask anyway.
“It means that I wouldn’t choose deploying over you. I’m here, Lee. I’m not going to leave, or get injured, or die. I’m here.” Aaron’s voice is low and pleading.
“You did leave, get injured, and hell, you died too. You weren’t active then. Don’t use this against me,” I warn.
He stands and looks at the ceiling. “This is our house, Natalie. It’s where we made a home. We conceived a child here, had fights here, made love here, and I thought we’d grow old here.”
I don’t know where all of this is coming from. He hasn’t tried to make a move in months. We’ve been friendly and I’ve never lead him to believe there was a chance at more.
“I did too. I didn’t choose for our life to fall apart. I know you made mistakes. I’ve forgiven you for them, but it doesn’t change how I feel. I don’t want to fight with you about this,” I plead for him to stop.
“I don’t want you to have a baby with him,” Aaron’s voice cracks at the end. He stares at my stomach and tears fall from his eyes. I follow his gaze and realize I’m in my shorts and a tank top with a very clear baby bump. “I thought maybe you were, but I didn’t want it. I’ve really lost you. Haven’t I?”
“Have I led you on?” I ask with hesitation. I tried hard not to ever let him think we were going to get back together.
He looks at Aara and back at me. “I hoped, Lee. I’m getting help. I know I fucked up . . . God, I know it . . . but I’ve always loved you. I would do anything to prove to you how good we could be. I’m doing everything the doctors want. I’m not seeing anyone because they’re not you. We can get back and we can be better.”
“Aaron, please don’t do this now. First, Liam is deployed. His mother is on life support and I’m pregnant. I love you, I always have, but our love changed. It became friendship and comfort. We let it slip through our fingers and then the choices each of us made defined our future. You will always have my past, but Liam holds my future.”
“We define our futures.”
“So do our pasts,” I say hushed.
Once again, he glances at my stomach and rests his head in his hands. I give him a minute because I can’t imagine this is easy for him. The pain of finding out about Brittany was horrible for me, and I certainly didn’t want him to find out this way.
“Were you trying? Were you going to tell me?” he asks gruffly.
“Not before I told him, and no, we weren’t trying,” I reply honestly.
“Un-fucking real. I couldn’t get you pregnant after years of trying and . . .” he trails off.
Aaron stands and walks over to Aarabelle. He places a kiss on the top of her head before turning back to me. “I’ll never stop loving you, but right now I can’t look at you. I’ll be back later, but I need some time.”
I don’t want to hurt him. It was never my intention. “I’m sorry you found out like this. I’m sorry you’re hurting.”
“I guess we’re even now,” he sneers.
I know he’s angry and upset, but it stings. Instead of going back at him, I stay silent. This won’t end well for either of us, and I won’t break him further.
He looks at me once more and the pain rolls across his face. Aaron cups my face with his hand and then drops it.
Without a word, he walks out the door and the loud sound of it closing slams the door in my heart.
It’s been three whole days. Seventy-two hours that I’ve yet to hear from Liam. I’m growing anxious and frustrated. I called the Red Cross again, ensuring the message was delivered to his command, which it was. His father called me this morning asking if he was going to make it home, and I couldn’t answer him.
I don’t know what to do, but I need to do something. Paige arrives to watch Aarabelle so I can go get some answers. I grab my purse and rush out the door. It makes me sick that I’m going to go this route, but I have no choice.
Aaron called this morning to find out what was going on. Even he seemed concerned that Liam hadn’t gotten in touch. He apologized again, but said he needed some time away to get his mind straight. Then he offered to still keep Aarabelle if I needed. If anyone’s lost the most, it’s him. He lost his wife and his best friend and the life he thought he was coming home to.
My phone rings and my pulse spikes. “Hello?” I answer immediately not even looking at the caller I.D.
“Lee, it’s Jackson.”
“Hi,” I say depressed.
“I’m guessing you still haven’t heard from him?”
“No, nothing, and I’m getting worried.”
“I’m sorry, I just wanted to see if there was anything you needed. I can call a few people and try to get some damn answers.”
I know he’ll do whatever he can, but there’s really no way he can get answers. He’s not active anymore. He’s a contractor. Sure, he has connections but they’re not going to hand over information on an active mission.
“Thanks, Jackson. I wish there was something you could do, but we both know it won’t help.”
He lets out a deep breath. “I know. I hate this, Lee. I’m here no matter what you need. I’m here.”
“Thanks, Muff. I’m at the only place I can get answers now. I’ll keep you posted.”
We hang up and I look at my best friend’s house. Where hopefully some of the answers lie. I grab my bag, let out a deep breath, ring the doorbell, and my stomach drops.
“Hi,” Reanell says and looks away. “I figured it was a matter of time.”
“You know?” I ask with my mouth agape.
“Come in,” she opens the door then steps back.
I want answers.
“What’s going on?”
Reanell sighs while she chips at her nails. “I can’t tell you, Lee. You know I can’t, but I can’t not tell you either.”
My chest tightens and my mouth goes dry.
Please, if there’s a God anywhere, I’m begging you to not do this to me. I can’t handle it.
Something’s wrong and I’m going to lose it all again. Only this time there won’t be any coming back.