“Lee?” Reanell calls out from the back deck. It’s Aarabelle’s birthday party and she came early to help set up.
“In the kitchen!” I call out and wipe my forehead. The house is a mess. There’s flour all over the floor, eggs on the floor thanks to my clumsy hands, and Aarabelle laughs at me from her highchair.
She opens the swinging door and stops. “Wow . . . I mean . . . wow.”
“Yeah, can you help me?”
“Where’s your devoted husband? Visiting his girlfriend?” she asks with hostility.
“Reanell!”
“Too soon? Yeah, probably too soon. Sorry.” She bends down and starts to clean up the eggs. “So, where is he?”
“Mark picked him up and took him out for a few hours since the tension was enough to suck the air from the house.” I point over to the newspaper that featured his rescue. “Read the last paragraph.”
Considering I used to work for the local press, you’d think they would’ve given me a heads up. Nope. They did a huge piece on him and how he’s a hero. But the worst was how Aaron told them how determined he was to make his family whole again. How he loves his wife and child more than his own life and we’re what kept him alive.
“He really laid it on thick.” Reanell puts the paper on the table. “Mason seriously feels bad, but he couldn’t say anything—not even to me.”
I put the mixer down and huff. “I know. I’m not mad anymore. It could’ve risked Liam and the other guys’ lives.”
Still sucks, but I get it.
“What time will your mom be here?” Rea asks, tiptoeing around the mess. “Did you get anything in the damn bowl?”
“Shut up. I’m not a great baker, but I wanted to make her a cake.”
Reanell laughs, “Maybe I should head to the store and get her an edible one. Jesus, you’re like Betty Crapper—this doesn’t even look like cake mix.”
I drop the mixer and start to laugh hysterically. Tears drop from my fit, and I slide against the counter to the floor. “Oh, God, Betty Crapper . . .” I continue giggling, unable to stop. I laugh on the flour-covered floor as Reanell stares at me as if I’m losing my mind. Hell, I am. “I can’t . . .” The laughter rages on.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” Her voice is full of concern.
“I mean . . . it’s funny,” I say, trying to calm myself.
“I’m not sure I follow. You’re scaring me, Lee.” Reanell hunches down and puts her hands on my knees. “I’m really worried about you. The last few days you haven’t been yourself.”
Her fear is valid. Since I left Liam’s house and he basically told me we need to take a break, I’ve been a mess. The only thing that kept me going was knowing I had him. Aaron hasn’t said a word about our last fight. He’s here trying to help and be a part of our lives.
We’ve met with doctors, psychologists, and he met with some liaison from the government. But I’m robotic. I drive him there and listen to everyone tell me how blessed I am to have him home. They tell me it’s a miracle and how happy they are for us, but I feel no joy. I’ve placed myself back in my bubble of void. It’s easier than feeling, and I’m emotionally drained. The only thing that gives me any light is Aarabelle. I try to keep her around me at all times.
“I’m broken.”
I haven’t told her about what Liam said, but I’m sure she notices.
She grabs my face. “Oh, honey. You’re not broken. No one is. You have Aara, me, Mason, and so many other people who love you. This isn’t easy. This is real life and it fucking sucks.”
“Yeah,” I reply dejectedly.
“Seriously, this isn’t some movie where it’ll all work out in the end. This is ugly and raw. No one has the answers, babe. The thing is . . . there’s not really a choice. I feel like six months ago you made your choice. You let Aaron go when you allowed yourself to love again.”
She’s right. That’s the issue. I can’t go back not just because of the affair and the lies between us. But because I let go of that love. I forgave him. I found a place where I learned how to truly love and not have to see what I wanted. Will my love for Liam always be that want? No. We’ll struggle and we’ll fight but there’s no one else I want by my side. He thinks he’s giving me time to make the right choice. But he’s a fool.
Reanell places her hand on mine. “I know something happened with Liam, but you won’t let me in again.”
“He doesn’t want me,” I mutter. “He said he wants to take the deployment as a break. I need to focus on here, and he has to worry about the mission.”
“First of all,” Reanell’s voice morphs into her serious tone, “He does want you. You’re an idiot if you believe that he doesn’t, and since I’m not friends with idiots, I’m going to say you don’t. He wants you so much, but can’t you see how hard this is for him?”
“Of course I do!” I push up off the floor. “I see it all, and I’m the one who has to deal with all of it! I have to deal with Aaron, Liam, Aarabelle, and last of all, how I’m coping.” I throw my hands in the air and wipe my face. I will not cry. I will not cry.
She doesn’t get it. No one does. This whole damn situation is ridiculous. Aaron and I agreed he could stay here until Aarabelle’s birthday party. Then he’s going to stay at Jackson’s until we can make a decision. It was his idea to go there since the psychologist recommended we get a little space. His night terrors wake us with his screaming, he zones out in the middle of a conversation . . . he’s definitely getting better, but it’s a long road for him. But the worst is that Aarabelle hasn’t been the same, and he wants to allow us both some sense of normalcy.
“Is Liam coming today?”
“I don’t know. I can’t imagine he would, but he loves Aara, so who knows?”
“He loves you too.”
I scoff, “I don’t know at this point. He hasn’t called or shown any sign this is affecting him.”
“Sit,” she commands and points at the chair. “Natalie Gilcher, you are so much fucking stronger than you know. Liam is not the only man alive. If he gives you up so quickly, then fuck him. But I think there’s more there. I think he’s in pain and guys are idiots. They do dumb shit because they don’t know how to handle these situations.” She smoothes her hair. “Think about it. If he calls you, then he’s breaking his own rules. He’s giving in, and then he has to break you and him all over again. So . . .” I see the gleam in her eyes as a plan forms in her mind, “You make him break them.” Her smirk forms, and she raises one brow.
“How the hell do I do that?”
“You go upstairs and make yourself irresistible. He seems to have a weakness for red, doesn’t he? After all, you’re the host . . . shouldn’t you look presentable?”
I sit there with my jaw slack at her plan. But she’s right. If he comes in and sees me a crazy mess, it won’t help my cause. So I muster the strength I have left and stand. “Watch her please . . . I have some freshening up to do.”
Reanell smiles as I head up the stairs and decide he’s going to miss me no matter what.
I give myself a once over in the mirror before heading back downstairs. Thank God Rea came early. I made sure to wear my red dress from our first date. I have my hair in soft curls down my back, and I went very natural on my makeup, except for my cherry red lipstick. I’m not sure how to handle this. I don’t want Aaron to think there’s a chance in hell we’re getting back together, but at the same rate, I need to wake Liam up. Make him see that giving up isn’t what he wants.
I slip on my heels and head to see what Rea thinks.
“Holy shit!” Reanell says as she holds Aarabelle. “Sorry, I mean . . . hi there. Are you trying to give him a stroke?”
“If that’s what it takes. My mom said they’re on their way. I figure the mommy should look good, right?” I no longer feel sexy and in charge . . . I feel stupid. Maybe this isn’t the best idea.
“Do not even think about changing,” Reanell chastises as she walks over. “You own this man. Now remind him just how much.”
“Gimme the baby,” I say with arms outstretched. “I’m going to get her in her party dress before anyone gets here.” I bounce her and she smiles, turning to Reanell, I give her something to do. “Everything should be set up, other than the cake, which my mother called and said she’s bringing one since she figured I botched this one. If you can make sure my mother never sees the kitchen, I’ll love you forever.” I laugh and shake my head. It’s the running joke that baking and I do not mix.
She nods and waves her hand. “Go make that baby shine for her first birthday!”
Aarabelle is in her pastel pink dress complete with little jewels on the bodice. I went a little crazy on this party, but I wanted to celebrate her birth. The reminder that something so perfect came at a dark time.
“Lee,” I hear Aaron’s voice as he knocks. “Wow. You look incredible, ba—” He catches himself.
“Thanks.”
“Hi, my beautiful girl,” he smiles and makes his way over to Aarabelle. He extends his hands, but she clings to me. “Mama’s girl through and through.” Aaron laughs it off, but I see that it hurts him. I’ll give it to him that he’s been trying. He spends as much time as he can with her and offers to help. “Who all is coming?”
I hear the undertone to his question. He wants to know if Liam is going to be here.
“A few of our friends, and you know my parents are here. Is your mom coming back down?”
Aaron shrugs and winces. I hate that he has some residual pain, but his right arm took the worst from the IED. The scars are more prominent. He explained the weather has a lot to do with his pain as well.
“She said she couldn’t stay this long. I’m going to visit her in a few weeks.”
“Okay, what about Brittany?”
He huffs then looks away. “I haven’t seen her since I’ve been here.”
“I’m only asking.” I try for nonchalant, but I’m sure I fail. There’s a part of me that wishes he would choose her so that I didn’t have to be the bad guy here. Yes, he cheated, but according to him it meant nothing. He says he wants a life with us, and even if I want to dismiss him, there’s a part of my life that belongs to him. “I’m sorry. That was out of line. I’m just nervous about the party.”
Aaron steps forward and brushes the hair off my face. “Can we ever get back to us?” His voice trembles with hope.
I look at him and let out a breath. “I don’t think so. I can’t explain what learning about your relationship was like, but it opened the door to seeing what our marriage truly was, and I can’t forget that. And I may not have been with Liam for very long, but I don’t know that I could go back. I know that hurts you, and I hate it. I don’t hate you, Aaron. I’ll always love you in some way.”
“I’m not giving up. I won’t let you walk away so easily,” he warns as he heads toward the other room.
He knows me better than anyone. Aaron can twist my heart so that it’s unrecognizable, and it scares me, but it wouldn’t be out of love. Loving someone is being unselfish and sometimes relinquishing your own wants for that person. It’s being noble in the face of knowing it would obliterate your world—like walking away. Like the man I love is doing now because he loves me.
I head down the stairs, and my mother and father rush over.
“Hi, sweet pea!” she yells and holds her arms out. She beelines straight for Aara and ignores me.
“Hello, Mother,” I chide, laughing.
“Hi, baby girl,” my dad says and pulls me into his arms. “You look like you’re going on a date.” He appraises me in a fatherly way.
“Nope.” I decide not to elaborate. My dad was always very protective. Hell, Aaron wasn’t even allowed in the house until I was eighteen. My father was the one sitting around talking about a black belt he never had and cleaned guns that I swear he only bought once I turned fifteen. He’s all bark and no bite.
“Wouldn’t you be more comfortable in jeans?” he asks and I laugh.
“Give it up . . . how’s the hotel?”
“Fine. Your mother wanted to stay another night sightseeing in Williamsburg. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. That woman can spend money like no one else.” He shakes his head and my mother slaps him in the chest.
“Where’s Aaron?” she asks.
“He was upstairs last I saw.”
She looks at my father and sighs. It’s got to be killing her to keep her mouth shut. There’s no way she doesn’t have an opinion on what I should be doing.
“Well, I think for Aarabelle’s sake, you should be trying to find a resolution.”
“Mom—” I cut her off.
I didn’t want to tarnish Aaron’s memory for my family or his, so I kept his infidelity a secret. To them, Aaron is still husband of the year. But now that he’s back, I’m glad I chose to keep it hushed. It’s between us regardless, and our mistakes don’t need to be broadcasted.
“No. I’m saying that he’s your husband and her father.” She raises her hand as if it’s just her friendly advice.
I reach out for Aarabelle and decide I’ve had enough pleasantries. “We’re going to make our rounds.” I smile and walk toward Reanell, who’s laughing at my discomfort. Some help she is.
The party is in full swing, and I can’t help but look over at the door for him. How can he not show up for her birthday? He’s been a father to Aarabelle since she was a baby. He was the man in the hospital with her. Liam cared for her when I was sick and held her in his arms. For him to not be here breaks me in two.
“Hey, there’s my goddaughter!” Jackson calls out and Aarabelle smiles. He pulls me and Aara into a hug. “You both look stunning.”
“I think she’s a little young for you, babe.” Catherine chuckles from beside him. He rolls his eyes as he takes Aarabelle into his arms. “Hey!”
“Catherine, you look amazing!” I say and we hug each other. “California agrees with you.” She’s cut her hair to her shoulders and it’s pin straight. She looks so much more a classic beauty now. Her skin is bronze and she has this natural aura around her.
“Please, you would never know you had a baby. You look insane, and that dress . . .” We both smile knowingly. “Anyway, I’m glad we could be here. Muffin told me all about everything, and if you need anything please call me. Is he here?”
“I’m going to take this one and make the rounds. Women love a man with a kid,” Jackson says and heads into the kitchen with Aara.
“Such an idiot,” Catherine scoffs. “So . . . is he?”
“Which one?” I ask.
“Either, I guess.”
“Aaron’s here somewhere. Probably with Mark.”
She nods and we walk over toward a quieter corner. Jackson has Aarabelle and is probably feeding her God knows what, but right now, I don’t care.
“I’m sure he’ll be here.” She pats my arm.
I wish I could be sure. I’ve fought the urge to text him all day, but I need to keep my strength. He needs to come to me, because I keep running to him but he’s shut me out. I miss him.
A few more guests arrive, and my hope dwindles. Reanell and Catherine keep me busy and try to stop me from spinning into a downward spiral. This isn’t the Liam I know. There would be nothing he wouldn’t do for us.
“I’ll be right back,” I say to Reanell and she nods.
As I head into the hallway, I run into someone. “I’m so sor—” The words die on my tongue as I look up and see him. My heart rate accelerates as he holds my arms.
“Hi,” he says, still not releasing me.
I focus on breathing and try to ignore that he’s touching me. I want to kiss him so bad it hurts. “I wasn’t sure you were going to make it.”
“I had to help a friend first. I wouldn’t miss her birthday.” His warm, rich voice washes over me and I shiver. “Cold?” he asks, not missing anything.
Liam releases me, and his eyes travel my body. He gazes over my skin then to my dress. His breath catches as he makes his way back up to my lips. Deciding to make this a little more difficult for him, I slowly lick my lips. He watches my tongue and presses his body against mine.
I’m flush against the wall, and his warmth is blanketing me. “Are you trying to fucking destroy me?” His voice is low against my ear. “Do you want me to lose my mind, sweetheart?”
I whimper softly at the term of endearment he uses. “No.”
“Really? Because that’s exactly what you’re doing.”
I straighten and stare at him. “You’re doing that on your own.”
“You’re making me hate the one person who I shouldn’t. You have no idea how torn up I am. How I fight the urge to come here at night and rip you out of his house. How I had to smash my phone to stop from calling you. I’m begging you . . . go change.” Liam’s plea is full of bitterness, and as much as it makes me want to ease his pain—I won’t.
I push against him and he backs up. “I’ve got guests waiting. You could’ve been here.” I step toward him and he retreats. “You could’ve been in my house every night, but you need space. With space comes this.” I turn on my heel and head toward the party, hoping he’s watching my ass the entire time.
Liam stands to the side of the party by Quinn and Ashton. They talk, but his eyes never waver from me. I can sense the way he watches me and almost feel his hostility when Aaron is around us.
Aaron does his best to give me space, but I try to include him. He’s different though. It’s almost like he’s not really here with us. Everything feels forced and uncomfortable. While he may not have always been overly social, he would’ve been at least engaging in conversations, but now he only responds to questions he’s directly asked.
I can’t help but be concerned that this is all too much for him. “Do you need a break?” I ask him quietly.
“I need to lie down,” he admits.
“Go ahead upstairs. We won’t do cake until you come back.” I place my hand on his arm, but he flinches.
Immediately he tries to soothe me. “Sorry, I just . . .”
“You don’t have to explain.”
Aaron turns, but then looks back. “I’m sorry, Lee. For everything.”
“I’m sorry too.” And I am. I’m sorry our lives have come to this. I’m sorry that we can’t go back in time to a place where there was no affair, no other people, just us. Maybe if I hadn’t been desperate for a family, things would’ve been different, but the bottom line is, sometimes sorry can’t fix the hurt. Sometimes the pain is so deep that no words can heal the damage, and knowing the man you spent months grieving slept with another woman . . . is one of those hurts.