{Keira}

 

I need to sort a lot of things on my head right now. But there’s something that is covering all the spotlights for the moment and that is my professor. I look at his facial expression and try to get a hint. At this point I don’t know what to expect. I mean, yeah, I know the work I represented is really shitty, but somehow being here has got me all hopeful and there’s this part of me that likes to believe he would give his consent and I would be free of this ordeal.

“It’s so unbelievable seeing one of your most remarkable students handing over this poor work. It only makes me wonder, Keira, have you been really taking this assignment seriously? It’s your most important one.”

“Well, I tried the best I could.” I lie.

“Really? Because it doesn’t look like it. From what I see, this work tells ‘oh, I’ve been swamped with a burden called life and I haven’t got time to think about other things,’ but guess what? This should take priority. It’s your future as a designer we’re talking about. It makes me curious, what has really happened lately?”

Oh, if only he knew.

“Mr. Rowling, I’ve been giving it all the consideration it deserves…” I try to lie my way out of it, but it’s impossible. He doesn’t want to hear any of the excuses I have to say.

“I think I might give you another chance. Maybe a little extra time would do to bring you on your element again.”

I cannot believe it. Somehow I should be happy for him giving me another chance and not throwing my entire future as a designer to trash. But for some reason, some weird part of me takes this as another border. I just wanted to get free from this assignment, for I know that with everything going on into my life right now, I won’t have the time to dispose of it properly.

“So, Ms. Akerson, I suggest you take this other chance seriously and make the best out of it. We’re done for now.”

“Um, thank you, sir. I really appreciate it,” I push forth a smile and make my way out of his office.

Great. Now I have to think about this assignment all over again, as if this shit with Cason isn’t enough. Speaking of whom, I haven’t talked to him ever since the…well, you know, almost fuck. And I don’t think he feels good about it. I try to deal with the fact that I might have warm feelings for him and the fact that he might screw my entire life if I don’t satisfy him. And that is a lot to take. I really should consider meeting a therapist or something, since my mind feels just swamped with a mess and I don’t know if I can organize my agenda properly again.

I hinge as if I’ve seen a ghost when my phone vibrates on my pocket. God, I didn’t expect that. I look at the screen and hesitate to respond.

“Keira,” his voice is firm and distant. He must be angry. “I’m really starting to think about ways I should punish you for not being here on time.”

“C-Cas…” I mumble, then realize he’s so angry for me not to be too formal with him. “Mr. Cardenas. I thought…”

“God, Keira, don’t you ever get anywhere on time? I screwed an entire meeting just because you hadn’t handed the graphics I ordered you to prepare for me.”

“Should I really…”

“Just get here. Now!” he interrupts me and hangs up.

I look at the screen foolishly.

He sounded really angry and I’m not sure whether I really want to be anywhere near him right now. But I have to. I can’t avoid him forever, can I?

It’s just so embarrassing having to meet with him after what happened. I mean, I almost allowed that man to be inside me, got him up for it, and then spurned him in the worst of ways. I really got him excited and it was like getting his pants down and then kicking him in the balls.

He must be really pissed with me. I’m pissed at myself for what I did. He really is a gorgeous-looking man and it’s no surprise that at some point I might be attracted to him, (who wouldn’t?) but still this doesn’t justifies what I did. I really need to take control of my life. But what I do best is letting the indecisiveness take over.

 

 

When I make it into his office, after elbowing my way through the subway, I don’t dare to look into his eyes. I’m just afraid to see how really miffed he must be. So, instead, I fix my eyes to one spot in the floor and wait there stupidly.

So childish!

“It’s about time you made some progress with your manners and accurate attendance, Ms. Akerson.” His voice is stiff and deep. Somehow I miss that carefree down-for-anything guy who made my panties melt.

“I’m sorry. I did the best I could.” I make an excuse, knowing that nothing I’d say would satisfy his ego.

“I don’t mean just today. Just give me a reason why I shouldn’t fire you right now and give my worst recommendations to every design company on the states.”

I can’t think of any, to be honest. “Let’s just say I’ll try to get better.”

“I don’t think this will work out. You’re stubborn and irresponsible, not to mention your inadequate behaviors.”

Okay, to say that I’m stubborn and not always on time, is one thing; but calling my behaviors inadequate, I mean, he’s taking it a little over the edge. One thing I’ve always been precise on is my formal manners. So it only leads me to think that all this rage is fueled by our awkward almost fuck.

I encumber into my tablet and send him the files I should’ve dealt with a day ago. I do so, just so I wouldn’t have to think this mess that is my life. Why did I have to ever meet this man? How am I supposed now to deal with my life when he’s around? How am I to keep my mind off of him and convince myself that he doesn’t get my juices going?

I’m just so indecisive. Always indecisive!

If I didn’t know better, I would go all the way with him, I would fuck him and materialize all my wildest fantasies. But needless to say, I’m stuck into my compulsively organized addiction not to make my life go to waste. And it only goes to the point where I’m wondering, would it be worth it if I went down on him and catered to my famished needs?

Well, it’s so ironic I’m actually thinking of going all the way with him, since all things considered, I don’t know for certain if he’d take me now. Not after everything. Not after my stupid behavior. How could I get him all pumped up about it, and then be like ‘oh, you know what? Just forget about it’? This is just insane. If I take my actions into consideration, I’ll have to admit, the way I treated him was very, very childish.

“I don’t know what I was thinking when I had you selected. You’re clearly not worthy of this position. I mean, you’re not even that good a designer. You’re rude, always late, and bad-mannered.”

“I’m sorry, but…”

“I think I’ve had enough of you. I mean, you’re free to go. I’m gonna have to think about your future services and my staff will let you know of my decision.”

Wow, I know that I messed up with him and all, but he’s taking it too little too far. He didn’t actually have to insult me and make me question my design skills. I look at him confusedly for a moment, his eyes inexpressible. Then I realize that I don’t have anything to do here anymore. I hold tight my files and tablet onto my hands and my dignity (or what’s left of it) on my shoulders and head out. And it feels like my whole world has crumpled down to my feet.

When I’m out I try to fit my files into my bag and my hand tangles with something. It’s a paper. I bring it down and look at it and then I remember who I got it from. It’s was Dustin who gave it to me last time I saw him. It’s his phone number and home address. He gave this to me because of some party or something which he invited me in. Of course, I made it clear to him that I didn’t participate on savage parties which I reckoned were the kind he threw. But he insisted I took his card, which I did, thinking that I’d throw it in the trash later. But for some reason I’ve forgotten to do that. I find the nearest trash can and am ready to throw it in. But I hesitate.

All this time I’ve been giving myself such a hard time thinking that I never go out of my ways and am always on my element.

But what if I’m wrong? What if I left my comfort zone and did well on the other outside zone that is the real life? And this card might be my ticket to the carefree life.

Oh, my God. I’m feeling such a badass right now. As though I’m just a card away from going savage. Maybe I could go to Dustin’s party and have fun. I think that for once in my life, I should start living outside of the box.

On a mellow way, I draw my hand backward and put the card on my bag. The first issue is sorted out. There’s only one to go. What the heck would I wear on a pool party?

But then I decide I know just the right person to help me with that. Bringing the phone outta the pocket of my jeans, I ring my friend.

“How did it go?” she asks me about the meeting with Cason. I better skip over that. I don’t need to go through the details right now when I have a pool party to attend, which I’m weirdly so excited about.

“Not how I expected.” I say briefly. “Anyway, I’ve got something I need your help with.”

“Yeah, just shoot it.”

“I’m going to a party.” I howl as if I’ve never attended a party in my life. Though I got to admit, I’m not the craziest person when it comes to partying, there have been lots and lots of occasions for celebration that I’ve attended. But I assume that none of the parties I was part of was nearly as exciting as this one would be.

“Is Cason hosting it?”

“Um, no.” I frown. Why would she think that anyway? And why would I ever rsvp to Cason’s invitation? “It’s Dustin?”

“Ooh, there’s a new guy!” She seems so enthusiastic about it. “Meet me at the mall and shoot me with all the details.” She tells me and hangs up with her virtual kisses as always.

 

 

It’s Friday night and I check the address to the card twice. I mean, sure there’s a pool here and it seems like the people are happy and celebrating. But I was under the impression this looked more like a fuck-pool (get it? Because of the pool?) than an actual party. People were having sex all around and they didn’t seem to mind at all the audience.

“Oh, Keira,” I hear a guy guffawing from behind. “You made it.”

I turn around. It’s Dustin, wearing some blue shorts and he looks so fucking sexy. I’m a little thankful I had my fashion adviser (Maelis) give me fashion tips, because I’m just feeling so comfy on my outfit. By the way I’m wearing a see-through, beige net dress and underneath there’s my new pink bikini.

But I think all the effort I put into my outfit was not worth it since I think that I’m not gonna stick around for much longer, given the circumstances and all. I mean, I’m not gonna waddle around looking at people screwing inside the pool, outside the pool, nearby the pool; pretty much everywhere.

“Yeah, I’m here.” I tell him awkwardly. “Glad to see you.”

“You too. You look—” he takes an audacious look at me, toe to head, “—nice.”

“Thanks.” I smile and for some reason I’m looking stupidly at his abs making a fool of myself.

“Here, grab a drink,” he takes a glass of champagne form the nearest catering counter and hands it to me. “I’m gonna be just right back for a moment.” I think he has plenty of people to invite to his party, and that’s why he’s leaving me here all alone, trying to convince myself this isn’t weird at all—me being on a savage pool party.

Like, God, I don’t belong here. I take hold of my bag, ready to leave the glass back to the counter and turn around. As if all this isn’t enough, before I properly place the glass of champagne into the counter, because of my fumbling ways and total disorientation, I bump into someone, slipping the entire liquid into his swimwear.

“Keira?” he looks at me, confused, and I can’t hide my embarrassment.