Dust. That’s all that was left of my brother. On a sweltering July day, a week after I last saw Beth, I spread Sean’s ashes over our father’s grave. When it was finished, I leaned down and traced the lettering on my old man’s headstone.

Coleman Wade. Loving husband, devoted father. Rest easy in the arms of the Lord.

Dad had bought a family plot not long after Sean and I were born. Someday soon, I would lay my mother to rest beside him. Today, I just couldn’t bear to put Sean in the ground next to him. There was no one left who could make these decisions but me.

“I’m sorry, Dad,” I said, making the sign of the cross. If he looked down on me today, he wouldn’t rest easy. He might have expected his other son to wear a Dark Saints cut, but never me. The last thing he knew, I was two weeks from taking my Holy Orders. Then one horrible night, everything changed.

I kissed the headstone and walked back to my Harley. Thoughts of Beth swam in my head today as the sun nearly blinded me. If I’d asked her to do this with me, would she have said yes? Would I have wanted her to? Part of me needed to see Sean the way I did so I could close a door. I’d spent so many years trying to protect Beth, maybe she needed that closure too.

I took the coastal highway on the outskirts of town. The Gulf air filled my soul and helped me settle as I turned down the back roads toward the clubhouse. Though everyone had given me space over the last week, Bear wanted me back. Sean’s murder was still an open question that put everyone on edge.

I parked in the back and headed into the bar. Shep and Axle were the only ones in the main room. Mid-afternoon on a Sunday, they shared a pitcher of beer between them while Mama Bear cleaned behind the bar. Shep and Axle sat grim-faced as I headed into the back rooms looking for Bear. There was something up between those two. They’d been acting weird for the better part of a month. When I asked Mama about it before Sean’s death, she shrugged it off, saying things were just tense lately. I knew it was something else, but didn’t press. My own plate was full.

“You doing all right, son?” Bear asked. He sat with his feet up on the conference table, one booted foot over the other. E.Z. paced on one end. He gestured with his chin and I closed the door behind me.

“All good, Bear,” I answered.

“Did you break the news to your mother?” Bear asked.

I gave him a shrug. “I tried. She seemed to understand for about thirty seconds. Then she got this glassy stare and a faraway smile. She started talking to me like she thought I was my dad. After a while, it was just easier to let her think that. It made her ... happy. That woman’s been through enough in her life. She deserved peace, even if it’s a product of her Swiss cheese mind.”

“Don’t we all,” Bear said. “Sit down, Deacon.”

My gut twisted. I didn’t like his tone one bit. But I did as he asked. E.Z. kept on pacing and it rattled me.

“The news isn’t good,” Bear finally said. “I’ve put some feelers out. Jenny’s fed me some intel from the investigation. She’s putting her ass on the line a bit over it, you know that?”

Jenny was Benz’s girl. A detective with the Port Az P.D., she helped us when she could. Though I knew she’d never compromise an active investigation or her own morals. Then again, my own moral compass had shifted the day I joined this club. I wouldn’t change it. It had taken me years to sort that out, but this club was in my blood now more than the priesthood ever could have been. That was the deepest secret I kept.

“I know,” I said. “And tell her I appreciate it.”

“She knows that. Look, Deacon, the cops just can’t get to the bottom of Sean’s murder. The way he was hit, we all know he was executed. And it wasn’t random. Crime scene guys have figured out Sean wasn’t shot in that alley behind Digby’s. He was dumped there after the fact.”

My heart lurched. It’s what I was afraid of. There could be no question someone had been trying to send a message to the club. The question was, who?

“So we’re back to square one, it’s the cartel or it’s the Hawks,” I said, pounding my fist on the table.

A look passed between E.Z. and Bear that told me they were already leaning one way. As I sat there, I honestly didn’t know which would be worse. If this was the Devils Hawks, our main club rival, it meant they wanted war and they weren’t planning on following any code. They’d targeted a family member, even though Sean was far from innocent. On the other hand, if this was the cartel, it meant Beth’s fears could be well founded. Even after all these years, they might try to find her to collect any outstanding debt Sean owed them.

“How’s Beth?” Bear asked, damn near reading my mind.

I nodded. “You were right. She’s got a life. She seemed good. A little shaken, what with seeing me and everything I told her. But she’s good.”

I knew I wasn’t telling Bear anything he didn’t already know. Beth’s safety was the promise he’d made me all those years ago when I came to him for help. It was well worth the price of my soul.

“Good,” Bear said. E.Z.’s silence unsettled me. He was sweating a little at the temples. Even from here, I could see his chest heaving. Something had gone down between these two before I walked in the door. It might even explain the weird vibe I got out of Axle and Shep in the main bar. I didn’t like any of it one damn bit.

“Listen,” I said. “You’ve gotta have a feel for this. Both of you. You’ve been around longer than any of the rest of us. What do you think this is? Is it the Hawks spoiling for war? I mean, they had to know Sean was already dead to me. If they wanted to send this kind of a message, don’t you think they would have picked somebody, I don’t know, closer?”

“You wishing they did?” E.Z.’s clipped voice cut through me. The outburst didn’t seem to fit the circumstances. I kept my cool. It wasn’t worth the aggravation. I put a hand up, gesturing surrender.

“That’s not what I’m saying,” I said. “I’m just trying to look at all the angles, same as you.”

“We need to bring this to the full membership,” E.Z. said; clearly this had been part of what they’d been arguing about before I got here. Bear would counsel caution, E.Z. was ready to fight. The truth was, I didn’t know what side I fell on. I did know a war vote would probably split the club right down the middle if E.Z. forced the issue.

“And we will,” Bear said, giving E.Z. an arched brow. He didn’t change his casual posture. “But first, we need more concrete information. It sure as hell smells like the Hawks, but Sean didn’t have clean hands and we all know it. I’m not saying he deserved what he got …”

I put a hand up, this time to placate Bear. “Don’t. Not on my account. I’m the last person who needs to be reminded of what my brother was. And I’ve lost too many people I care about because of the choices he made.”

“What do you want to do, son?” Bear said, leveling an intense stare at me.

I chewed my bottom lip. I hadn’t been able to get Beth out of my mind since the moment the cops called to tell me about Sean. “I’d like your permission to light out of here for a little while to look after some family business.”

Bear’s face fell. “I kinda figured you’d say that.”

“Two birds, one stone,” I said. “It’ll give me peace of mind to see with my own eyes that Beth’s good. That she’s safe. If this was the cartel and that bullet didn’t finish the business they had with Sean, then she needs eyes on her for a little while. If they’re going to make a move, it’ll be sooner rather than later. And if they do make a move on her, then we’ll know for sure what’s going on.”

“I’m not going to lie,” Bear said. “I don’t like the idea of you being off by yourself. Not with things in a state of flux like they are. Why don’t you take Toby or one of the other probies with you to watch your back?”

I shrugged off his concerns. “That’ll spook her. You don’t know Beth like I do. And if things go the way I plan them, she won’t even know I’m there. She’s been safe all these years and I think that’s in large part because you’re the only other people in the world who knew where she was. Changing that now would be too much of a risk if Sean’s business is about to catch up with her again.”

Bear nodded. I knew he couldn’t argue my logic. “Fine,” he said. “I’ll give you a few days. But Deacon, you check in with me regularly. If your phone rings, it’s gonna be me or E.Z., and you need to answer it. And if I decide I don’t want you down there without eyes in the back of your head and send some your way, you don’t shake ’em. You got it?”

I leaned across the table. “Fair enough.”

“What are you planning on telling the other guys?” E.Z. asked, scowling.

I rose and slapped his shoulder. “My brother just died, E.Z. I don’t think any of ’em would begrudge me the need to get gone and clear my head for a few days.”

Though neither one of them looked happy, E.Z. and Bear knew me well enough to know I’d made up my mind. We left things right there and I took my leave. Now there was only Mama Bear to convince. She respected me enough not to ask any questions, but I knew she’d suspect more going on than me needing a walkabout.

As I headed out to the lot, Shep got up to follow me. He caught me just as I climbed on my bike.

“You okay, man?” he asked, his eyes dark and grim. As Bear’s son, I had a fleeting fear that maybe Bear had shared something about Beth with him. But he said nothing to indicate he knew anything about her.

“I just need a few days to clear my head. Don’t worry about me.”

Shep smiled. “We always worry about you, Deacon. Without you, the rest of us are fucked. Haven’t you figured that out yet?” He meant it half-jokingly, but his words hung heavy around my neck. I knew they were true. The men in this club leaned on me. It was a mantle I felt comfortable carrying, but not today. So I turned it back on Shep.

“You want to tell me what’s going on with you?” I asked. Shep’s eyes darkened.

“Just want to make sure your head’s good, that’s all.”

I smiled. “You know, lying’s a sin.” I was busting his balls, but something flickered behind Shep’s eyes and I knew I’d hit a nerve.

“Just take care of yourself, man,” he said, reaching out to shake my hand. “Like I said, we’d all be pretty well fucked without you.”

I leaned forward, clasping Shep’s fist; we bumped chests and I pulled my helmet on. If I hurried, I could pick up a few things from my house and be back in Crystal Falls before the sunset. I’d have to ditch the Harley and my cut if I had any hope of staying inconspicuous. As I left Shep and the clubhouse behind, my heart soared at the thought of being near Beth again. At the same time, I knew just how dangerous that could be for both of us.

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.