Nine
Jude opened the door before I even knocked. “Hello, Luz,” he said, giving me a long look. “I take it you’re ready to talk.”
Great, my life was falling down around my ears and he wanted to do a therapy session. But the look in his pale green eyes was nonnegotiable so I nodded reluctantly.
“Yes, I’ll talk.” I had a sudden burst of inspiration. “But if I do, you have to promise to help me.”
Jude nodded gravely. “I will do everything in my power to aid you.”
“Really? Do you give your word?” Vamps and weres are bound by their word and find it extremely hard to break. Besides, I knew Jude well enough to know he wouldn’t go back on a promise he’d given me.
He frowned at me. “Give me your hand.”
“No—none of that.” I stepped back, afraid if he touched me he’d see what I was thinking and refuse to help me. “I just have two little favors to ask. Promise me you’ll help me and then we’ll talk.”
To my great relief, Jude sighed and finally nodded. “I have a feeling I will regret this but…fine. I give you my word that I will help you in any way I can. So tell me favor number one.”
I took a deep breath. “I need a safe place to stay for a little while.”
He shook his head. “Luz, how can you doubt that I would say yes to that? My home is yours for as long as you need it.” He stepped aside so I could come in the house and I entered gratefully.
“Thanks, Jude. I really appreciate it.”
He raised an eyebrow at me. “And favor number two?”
“I…uh…” I hesitated uncertainly. All the way over to his house I’d been psyching myself up to do this. But now that he was standing in front of me, so tall and imposing, I just couldn’t ask him for what I needed. Not yet, anyway.
“Luz?” he prompted me gently.
I sighed and ran a hand through my hair. “Look, do you mind if I take a shower before we talk about anything else? I’ve had a long night running through the woods and howling at the moon. That takes a lot out of a girl.”
His eyes glowed with excitement. “So you were able to shift? You changed?”
“I did. I finally did.” I tried to smile back. I could still feel an echo of the joy I’d had after my first—and what looked to be my last—run with the pack. But just look what that joy had cost me. Revealing my true nature and claiming my birthright had only unwrapped a whole new pack of problems for me. On the whole, I wished I was still a non-shifter. But I couldn’t tell Jude that. Instead I just asked for the shower again.
He gave me a penetrating look but only nodded. “This way.” He led me to what appeared to be a guestroom for non-vamps. At least I assumed it was for non-vamps because it had windows that looked out onto his well-manicured back lawn.
“There’s a bathroom through there,” he said, gesturing to a door to one side of the queen-sized bed. “Towels and soap in the linen closet.”
“Thanks.” I was heading for the door when Jude called me back.
“Do you need something to wear afterward?” He was looking at my scruffy clothes, which were dirty and sap stained from pushing my way through the woods.
I raised an eyebrow at him. “Why—do you have something my size?”
He laughed. “Hardly. But you could wear one of my shirts. It would probably be long enough.”
As tall as he was, I was sure it would be. At the moment he was wearing a dark red T-shirt that looked soft and cuddly and probably smelled like him—warm and spicy. I thought of how comforting his scent was. Of how good his arms had felt around me until I’d freaked out and run away the last time. How I longed for that feeling to return—even an echo of it would be nice.
“Actually,” I said. Then I stopped myself. “No, never mind.”
“What?” Jude asked gently.
“I…” I looked down at my hands. “It might sound crazy but…could I wear the one you have on now?”
Without a word he took it off and handed it to me.
“Thanks,” I whispered, clutching the warm fabric to my breasts. His bare chest was mouthwatering but at the moment I was too dispirited to get very excited. The events of the evening were beginning to catch up with me and I wanted to be alone when they did.
“You’re welcome,” Jude said. “I’ll be waiting in the study when you’re finished. Can you find your way?”
I nodded.
“All right.” Then he left me alone and I had no other company but my worries and fears.
Trying to push the thought of what I was going to do out of my head, I headed for Jude’s guest bathroom. It turned out to be as big as my living room and better furnished, with marble walls, imported tile and sparkling taps so bright I wondered if Jude employed someone just to spend all day polishing them. Leaving my dirty clothes in a heap in the corner, I climbed into the large, echoing shower and turned the hot water on full blast.
Then and only then, when I was sure the sound of running water would drown me out, did I give in and let the tears come. I cried for my miserable past and my doubtful future. For what had almost happened to me, and what was about to happen—what had to happen if I was ever going to be free. But most of all I wept because I was sure that after tonight, I was never going to be able to see Jude again. I wouldn’t be able to stand it—not if things went according to plan.
After a while my sobs turned into hiccups and I realized that the night wasn’t getting any younger. If I wanted to get this over with tonight, I had to get a move on. I got out of the shower and rubbed myself dry with an Egyptian-cotton towel that was nicer than my bedspread at home. Then I twisted my damp hair into a loose knot at the nape of my neck and pulled on Jude’s red T-shirt.
The shirt smelled like his skin, just as I had hoped, and I did indeed find myself comforted. I didn’t have any panties to wear with it since I hadn’t bothered to bring any in my shifting outfit, but it didn’t matter because the shirt came down to mid-thigh on me. If I’d had a belt I could have worn it out as a dress, albeit a slightly short one.
I made my way to the study where Jude was sitting on the couch, staring into the fire. He hadn’t bothered to put on another shirt so the broad marble planes of his chest and the sharp lines of his face were alternately bathed in a reddish-golden glow and hidden in the flickering shadows.
I stood watching him for a long time before I could make myself go sit beside him. The way I was feeling and what I was planning to say made me take the far opposite end of the couch, as far away from him as I could get.
If Jude wondered about the distance I’d put between us, it didn’t show in his expression. Instead he turned to look at me, his face calm in the firelight. “Tell me,” he said and I knew I had to, even though it was going to hurt like hell. In fact, dredging up the past and actually putting it into words was going to be one of the hardest things I’d ever done in my life.
Might as well get started.
I took a deep breath. “When I was thirteen and ready to make my first shift, our pack—the Armenia Garden Estates wolf pack—was celebrating the ascension of a new pack master. It doesn’t happen that often—maybe every fifteen to twenty years if the pack master steps down voluntarily—longer if he decides to stay and fight any challengers to his position. The pack master isn’t just a figurehead, either—he rules the roost. He can make or break a family’s status in the pack so there’s a lot of ass kissing that goes on—everybody wants to make him happy.”
Okay, now I was just rambling. I made myself get to the point.
“Anyway, the ascension ceremony is a big deal and part of it…” I cleared my throat. “Part of it is the deflowering of a virgin—but it has to be a new wolf, one who has never shifted before the night of the ceremony.” I looked down at my hands. “There were several girls who fit the bill but my parents were the only ones who volunteered their daughter—who volunteered me, I mean.” I looked up at him.
Jude’s face was like stone. “That is barbaric.”
I laughed but it didn’t come out sounding very happy. “That’s rich—coming from a vampire.”
He shook his head. “There is a difference between punishing and killing enemies and raping innocent children. Forgive me if I say I don’t think much of were culture right now.”
“That’s all right, I don’t think much of it either.” I looked down at my fingers, which were twisted together tightly in my lap. “Nobody really told me what was going to happen—only that being involved in the ceremony was a great honor and I was going to be helping my family by doing whatever it was the new pack master wanted me to do.” I shrugged. “I wasn’t stupid but I was…I guess I was naïve. My parents were pretty strict—sent us to private school, didn’t let us watch much television, restricted our reading materials. So I didn’t really know a whole lot about sex. Almost nothing, actually.”
“The night of the full moon came and some of the older female pack members came to get me. They gave me a special bath with lots of herbs—I remember thinking I smelled like a florist shop when they were finished. Then they dressed me in a long, white robe and nothing else and took me to the altar in the woods.”
Jude’s eyes widened. “They have an altar?”
I nodded. “It’s like a ritual sacrifice—the sacrifice of the girl’s virginity. Of course, the actual deflowering can’t take place until after she’s shifted and run with the pack on her first hunt. That’s because she isn’t considered sexually mature until she has. But before the hunt, she’s tied to the altar in her human form so that the pack master can look her over and declare her a fitting offering for his lust.”
I looked into the fire, remembering that night, reliving it as I had tried not to for so many years.
“Luz,” Jude said softly. “You don’t have to go on.”
I looked up at him. “Yes, I do. You wanted to know—well, all right, I’m telling you. Unless you’d rather not hear the ugly truth?”
He looked at me gravely. “I will hear whatever it is you need to tell me.”
“Fine.” I looked back at the fire because it was easier to talk about when I couldn’t see the pity in his eyes. “They took away the robe and tied me to the altar,” I said, remembering the way the full moon had looked so white and uncaring, floating high above me like a ghost. “That was when he came to me and…and I started to be afraid.”
I closed my eyes tightly, remembering. “I wasn’t used to being naked and I had never…never been touched before. Not the way he touched me. He…his hands were everywhere. In my mouth, on my breasts, between…between my legs.” I swallowed hard. “He even put his fingers inside me to see…to see how tight I was. Then he climbed on the altar with me.”
“Luz—” Jude began but I held up a hand to stop him. I had to get this out now or I never would.
“He climbed on the altar with me,” I repeated. “And he told me how it would be—what he was going to do to me, how he was going to…to take me. He…there were other males with him—other alphas—and they laughed when he talked about it, when he said how much he was going to enjoy fucking me.” I felt raw inside but still I couldn’t stop. “He…he tried to fit himself inside me. But I was too tight and I was screaming by then. He just laughed and said I could scream until I was hoarse. Because…because after the hunt he was going to do whatever he wanted.”
Something wet and warm dripped off my cheek and landed on my clasped hands. I didn’t feel like I was crying but apparently I was. Still, waterworks or not, I had to finish my story.
“I thought there must be some misunderstanding—that what he was doing was wrong. You’re taught not to let people touch you like that—to report it to the nearest adult. So as soon as they untied me and let me go, I ran to find my mother. I-I told her what had happened and I thought she would tell my father and he would stop it.”
“That isn’t what happened,” Jude murmured and it wasn’t a question.
I shook my head. “No. She told me it was time I grew up and learned that not all of being an adult is pleasant. She said…said that I had to go through with it for the family—that it was my duty. And of course my father backed her up.”
I could still remember the horrible feeling of betrayal. The realization that what had happened to me was sanctioned by the people who were supposed to love and care for me and that they expected me to go back and let it happen again—only worse next time. I tried to tell Jude that but it hurt too much to put into words. I shook my head, deciding to skip to the next part.
“I knew then that I couldn’t get out of it. The pack master had accepted me as a sacrifice and by pack law he owned me—or at least my virginity. And after the hunt he was going to take it—to take me—on that cold stone altar, any way he wanted, for as long as he wanted. And this time the entire pack would be watching.”
I lifted the hem of the T-shirt I wore and blotted my eyes.
“Luz…” Jude’s voice was hoarse and when I looked up, I saw my own pain reflected in his eyes. Somehow I made myself go on.
“The time to shift came and all around me everyone was changing. People becoming wolves in the moonlight—it was magical. And I knew I was supposed to do it too—I’d been looking forward to it my entire life. But I just…”
“You couldn’t,” Jude said quietly.
I shook my head. “I couldn’t. I tried—or I told myself I tried, anyway. But then I couldn’t breathe and I started to tremble and feel sick to my stomach…”
“You had a panic attack.”
“The first of many as it turns out. But since I couldn’t shift, I wasn’t technically sexually mature. So Engle—the pack master, I mean—couldn’t have me.” I blotted my eyes again. “It was a huge scandal, of course. It ruined the ascension ceremony and both my parents and the pack master were furious.”
Jude’s eyes flashed red. “Savages.”
“Not in their eyes, they weren’t. To them, it was all my fault. To me too, I guess.” I sighed. “After that, nothing I ever did was good enough. My grades suffered because when I felt put under pressure—like trying to pass a major test—I panicked. I had terrible nightmares and I couldn’t eat because everything that went down came right back up again. I felt like my parents hated me—almost as much as I hated myself. I think…I think I would have killed myself eventually if it wasn’t for my little brother.”
“You care for him a lot,” Jude observed.
“More that all the rest of them put together,” I said. “He was too young to know what was happening—too young to condone it or to condemn me afterward when I couldn’t shift. Being around him made me feel calm and gradually I learned to forget, to push it under the rug and pretend it never happened.”
“That’s why I was so clueless when I first met you. I’d been telling myself for years that it hadn’t happened or that it wasn’t worth remembering.” I shook my head. “I pretended I didn’t know why I had panic attacks and freaked out under pressure, pretended I didn’t know why I couldn’t shift. And I did it so well that I believed it myself.” I pinched the bridge of my nose between my thumb and forefinger. “God, I wish I could have just kept on pretending.”
Jude frowned. “So what broke the cycle? Did your successful shift tonight bring it back? Or was it what happened between us a few nights ago?”
“Neither. Both.” I shook my head. “I think it was always in the back of my mind, to tell you the truth. I just didn’t want to face it. But lately…lately I’ve had to.” I sighed. “The past is bad enough but I have new problems now.”
“Oh?” He raised an eyebrow. “What happened to you tonight, Luz?”
I cleared my throat. “I’ll tell you but first you have to promise me you won’t take matters into your own hands. No killing or skinning or beheading anyone, no matter how angry you get. Okay?”
There was a dangerous gleam in Jude’s eyes. “And why must I make this promise?”
I explained about Diego and the way Engle had invoked the Rite of Blame on him. “So now if something happens to Engle—anything at all—until their conflict is settled, Diego is to blame. He could be banished from his pack or even killed—depending on how his own pack master reacts. It’s very serious—that’s why you have to keep your temper.”
“I am holding on to it with both hands, as the expression goes. Please, continue.” Jude made a motion with one hand. “Was it this Engle who threatened you tonight?”
I nodded miserably. “He’s still the pack master so technically, my virginity is still his to claim until he steps down. And I don’t think he will step down until he get it—gets me.”
“Didn’t I tell you that no one would take you against your will? He will never have you.” Jude’s eyes were blazing red by now, which I was learning meant he was either deep in lust or very angry. I didn’t think it was the former.
I bit my lower lip. “The thing is, I think he’s been planning this for a long time. He was the one who hired those two human goons who tried to kidnap me—I think he was going to…going to take me whether it was legal or not. Which it wasn’t at the time they tried to grab me—not by pack law, anyway. But now that I’ve shifted, no one can argue that it’s his right to have me. It’s his right to take my virginity.” I took a deep breath and looked at Jude. “Which is why I need you to help me get rid of it.”
He frowned at me. “What are you talking about?”
“It makes perfect sense,” I said, trying to sound logical. “It’s my virginity Engle is after. The moment it’s gone, he has no more claim or interest in me. I’m safe, my brother’s safe, and we can all go on with our lives. It’s the only solution.”
“No.” Jude shook his head emphatically. “No, Luz—I won’t do this.”
“You have to.” I lifted my chin and looked him in the eye. “You promised. This is my second request and you gave your word to honor it.”
“I didn’t give my word to rape you.” He was really angry now—his eyes glowing like coals in the dim room. He scooted closer to me on the couch but I flinched away before he could touch me.
“It’s not…it wouldn’t be rape.” I swallowed, my throat suddenly dry. “I-I’m giving you my consent. I’m not unwilling.”
“Luz, look at yourself.” Jude’s voice dropped and his eyes were suddenly normal again. “You are unwilling and I don’t blame you for it in the least.” He put out a hand to me and I flinched away again—I couldn’t help it. “See?” he said quietly. “You can’t even stand to have me touch you right now.”
“I can stand it,” I said. “I-I have to stand it. Please, Jude, this is the only way.”
He shook his head. “You sit here and tell me your tale of abuse and betrayal and then expect me to abuse and betray you also? I tell you, Luz, I cannot do it.”
“You have to,” I said, looking him in the eye. “You promised to help me. So damn it, Jude—help me!”
His eyes were blazing again and suddenly he was looming over me. “And how do you expect me to do it? Should I hold you down, ignore your screams and tears? Force myself inside you and take my pleasure no matter how you beg me not to?”
He was so close now I could feel the heat from his big body branding me. Every instinct I had screamed at me to run, to get away from the masculine form about to cover my own, but I forced myself to hold still. I didn’t move a muscle…until he cupped my cheek in his hand.
At his touch, something broke inside me. I jumped up from the couch and was halfway to the door before I could make myself stop. No, can’t run. Have to stay. Have to let him. As pep talks go, it wasn’t much, but at least it reminded me of what I had to do. I turned to face him, my breath coming short and my heart jackhammering in my chest.
“Do you see now, beloved?” Jude’s voice was gentle again. “You’re traumatized right now. It may take you weeks or even months to be ready to try anything physical again. Tonight is not the night for this.”
“Tonight is the only night for this,” I countered. “The longer I let this go, the greater the chances that Engle will find a way to pin some imagined slight or injury on my brother. I need my virginity gone now. This won’t be over until my scent changes and everyone can tell I’m not a virgin anymore.”
Jude was shaking his head and I knew I had to find some other way to convince him. “Look,” I said, making myself walk toward the couch where he was still sitting and watching me. “I know…I know I’m a little jumpy right now. But I swear I’ll try not to run away again. I mean, maybe you could tie me up and just…just do it fast. Couldn’t you please do that?”
“You’re asking me to tie you down so you can’t run away while I force myself on you?” He looked at me incredulously.
“If you have to,” I said stubbornly.
“Luz, please listen to me.” Jude put out a hand and, very reluctantly, I allowed him to take my fingers and pull me toward the couch. His hand on mine was scary at first but I forced myself to get used to it. He’d touched me much more intimately than this, I reminded myself. It was just that I was so jumpy right now.
When I was seated beside him, a good deal closer than was comfortable, he continued. “It isn’t that I don’t want to make love to you,” he said, looking intently into my eyes. “There is nothing I desire more—except not to hurt you. And what you’re asking me to do would scar you—scar both of us. It might solve your problem but it would make you hate me also. And I would hate myself.” He sighed. “I don’t want that for either of us. So please, beloved, don’t ask me again.”
I could feel my heart breaking because I knew everything he said was true. But at the same time, I still didn’t see any other way out of my dilemma. It was this or nothing. Now or never.
“I-I’m sorry if this is hurting you,” I said, watching his long fingers interlaced with mine. “But I can’t help it, Jude.” I looked up at him. “I need you to do this for me. I have to ask you to keep your promise.”
He took a deep breath and for a minute I thought he was going to be angry again. But all he said was, “Very well.”
Then he picked me up and carried me down the hall and into his bedroom.