SEVEN DAYS. I HAVE SPENT six nights and seven days with Kayne, and he has me flying high. Like, literally, ten thousand feet in the air. At the moment, I’m being strapped to his body with a skintight harness. To say I’m not shitting myself would be a lie. Skydiving was the one activity Kayne pushed for. When he saw the brochure on Matias’ desk, his eyes lit up so brightly they nearly blinded us. I immediately protested, arguing that if God wanted humans to fly, he would have given us wings. Kayne contested, saying God improvised and gave us parachutes. Only after a lengthy, one-sided conversation of Kayne explaining how he’s probably more experienced than a skydiving instructor, having jumped over fifty times, did he finally persuade me to give in. Which brings us to now, the two of us standing in an open doorway of a tiny plane looking down at turquoise-blue water and the small circular-shaped island of Bora Bora. I think I’m going to throw up.
Kayne is nothing like I dreamed about, but everything I could have ever wanted. Every day together just gets better and better. It’s almost surreal, but definitely not perfect. There’s something missing. Something he’s holding back, which in turn makes me hold back. I know my late-night conversations with Jett don’t help, but what he doesn’t understand is that by me talking to someone else, I allow myself to open up to him. It helps me process and helps me accept. Letting go of the anger and the feeling of betrayal wasn’t easy. But Jett helped me work through it.
I swear he’s a shrink, a sexual connoisseur, and a fashionista all rolled into one.
And as to why we talk in the middle of the night? At first, it was because I couldn’t sleep, but it quickly became because I didn’t want to miss one second with Kayne while he is awake.
“Ready?” Kayne asks with his mouth close to my ear.
“No.” I dig my fingernails into his thighs.
“Relax,” he purrs. “I would never let anything happen to you. Trust me?”
I flash back to the last time he asked me that. I was tied up then, too. The answer is still the same; I just hope the outcome is different. A few short hours after he asked me if I trusted him the last time, the sky fell on me. Now, I’m about to fall through the sky.
“Yes,” I answer faintly with my heart beating so hard it’s leaving an indentation on my chest.
“On three.” Kayne cradles my face against his shoulder and then criss-crosses our arms in front of my chest so I’m pressed snugly against him. “Count with me.” He raises his voice over the hum of the engine.
I take a deep breath and nod with my eyes closed, hoping I find the courage to actually make it to three.
“One!” Kayne yells as we inch closer to the edge. It feels like a vacuum is trying to suck us up.
“Two!” we say together, and then suddenly we’re falling nose first into a wind tunnel. A piercing scream rips from my throat as we plummet downward, cool air whipping right through our clothes. What the fuck happened to three!?!
I know it’s only supposed to last two minutes, but the seconds suddenly feel like hours as the adrenaline pumps triple time through my body. I don’t know at what altitude I finally allow myself to breathe and take it all in, but once I do, the feeling is euphoric; an entrancing split of body and mind.
“Hang on!” Kayne yells as he pulls the ripcord and the parachute deploys, jerking us back only to release us a moment later into a soft glide.
“Holy shit!” I exclaim as my pounding heart echoes in my ears.
“Not too many people can say they saw the island from this angle.”
“I’m sure that’s true,” I reply in awe as we fall slowly, drinking in the indescribable view. From here, you can see everything—the reefs at the bottom of the turquoise lagoon, the dark-green landscape, and the top of Mt. Otemanu surrounded by a ring of white puffy clouds.
“Ellie, I’m releasing the parachute. We’re going to land in shallow water. Be ready for the impact,” Kayne tells me all too soon as he pulls another cord a foot or two over the water. We drop, but land easily as the water cushions our fall. Once Kayne unhooks my harness, I turn instantly and jump into his arms. The adrenaline coursing through my veins like a fast moving stream.
“That was amazing!”
“You liked it?” He laughs lifting me up.
“I loved it!” I kiss him. “Let’s do it again!”
“Now?”
“Yes!”
“Like the rush, huh?”
“Yes. And it’s all your fault.” I plunge my tongue into his mouth and kiss him fiercely.
“I created a monster?”
“You have no idea,” I growl trying to kiss him again as something dark and primitive bubbles deep down inside me.
Kayne pulls away and looks at me funny. I feel high. It’s the same feeling I used to get when he would control me, when he would command me. I want to tell him I want that again, but the words fall flat and insecurity takes over. What I’m scared of, I don’t know. Him taking it too far? Me letting him? I know what he’s capable of and how much he gets off on pushing my limits. I also know it’s his dominant side he’s holding back. It’s the part of him that still terrifies me and thrills me all the same; I don’t think any amount of time is going to change that, but it doesn’t intimidate me the way it used to. I know I have a choice now, and I choose to want it. To want him. Every side and every angle.
“Ellie?”
“Yeah?” Kayne catches me staring at his mouth. That mouth that is so spectacular and mind-blowing it could be the eighth wonder of the world.
“You seriously want to go again?”
I look up into his eyes. They’re bright blue from the glare of the sun; the brown patch a stark contrast to the light color.
“Yes,” I answer confidently.
He gazes at me inquisitively. “We are still talking about skydiving, right?”
“For now,” I answer darkly.
“HUNGRY?” KAYNE ASKS AS HE deposits me onto the bed. I’m beat. Skydiving takes a lot out of you, or at least a lot out of me. I nodded off in the golf cart on the way back to the bungalow. I’m pretty sure my lack of sleep isn’t helping either. I’ve barely gotten four hours a night since I arrived.
“Starving,” I tell him while he is hovering over me.
“Dine in or eat out?”
“Eat out?” I can’t help it; I burst out laughing right in his face.
“You’re a pervert,” he chuckles.
“Says the man who loves whips and chains and butt plugs!” I roll over holding my side.
“And spanking,” he smacks me on the ass, and I jerk. “Don’t forget spanking.”
“Oh!” I moan loudly and all laughter dies. It suddenly feels like a thick cloud of tension has blanketed the room.
Kayne’s eyes smolder, the look so hot it could burn coal. My thighs actually clench from need. But as quickly as the excitement surfaces, it disappears. Why is he holding back? Kayne straightens and clears his throat, but his arousal is still evident. It’s pitching a tent in his shorts.
“Go out or eat in?” he rephrases, adjusting himself.
“Eat in,” I answer softly.
He nods pensively. “What would you like?”
“Cheeseburger and French fries.”
Kayne smirks. “Done.”
“What’s so amusing?”
“Nothing. I just like that you like what I like.”
I don’t think he realizes how true his statement is.
“I’ll order.” He heads over to the nightstand.
“Oh and—” I roll onto my stomach to follow him.
“A bottle of champagne and a glass of mango juice.” He picks up the receiver. “I know.”
I smile. I had the mango Bellini the other night at dinner and now I’m addicted. While Kayne orders dinner, I get up and go outside. A few more minutes of lying around and I will be out for the count. Besides, I don’t want to miss the sunset. It’s my favorite time of day. I shrug out of my cover-up and slip into the pool, making myself comfortable on the seat built into the side. I bask in the warm water as the sky illuminates in a medley of blues and purples and oranges and reds. I feel Kayne swim up behind me and pull me into his arms.
“Enjoying the view?”
“It never gets old.” I spin around and gaze at the angelic face capable of so many demonic things, all of which he seems to keep hidden away under lock and key. I straddle his thighs and dot kisses on his lips to distract myself from my esoteric desires. I don’t know how to tell him what I want because I’m still trying to figure it out myself. How do you tell your former owner that you want him to own you all over again? It sounds crazy even to me.
“Why did you join the Army?” I ask curiously. Kayne has been forthcoming about most things, but he does dance around some subjects, like his childhood, expertly. Kayne clams up for a beat before he answers robotically. “It was three hot meals a day and a roof over my head. Not very patriotic, I know, but the truth. I didn’t have many choices then, it was either keep living on the street or enlist.”
“You were homeless?” This is new information.
“For a little while, yeah. Not my proudest moment, but it was better than another shitty foster home.”
“Was foster care that bad?” I ask.
Kayne shudders. “Let’s put it this way, I won the lottery every time for crappiest foster parents.”
I frown. “What was it like?”
He looks away, and I’m convinced he’s shutting down.
“When I wasn’t starving to death or being used as a human punching bag?” he answers bitterly, “Hell.”
“How long did you live on the street?” I scan over his beautiful face, the lines angular, his jaw clean shaven and clenched tight.
He looks back at me, his eyes devoid of all emotion, like he has to put up a wall just to talk about it.
“Six months. That last home did me in.”
“How?” I frown.
Kayne expels a deep breath and closes his eyes. This is clearly difficult for him.
“We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want.”
It looks like he’s considering my out, but he surprises me and continues talking.
“I had just turned seventeen when I went to live with the Millers. My social worker raved about them,” he says detached. “Said they were the best of the best. I didn’t believe a word she said. By that time, I was so broken, so raw, I didn’t believe anything anyone said to me. I was always on the defensive because it was all I knew how to be. They were a pretty young couple, maybe early forties. I remember them being very welcoming. Their house was big and clean, and for the first time in my life, I had a room of my own. I pretty much holed up in it for the first month I was there. Mrs. Miller would bring me all my meals and gave me the space they told her that I needed. Both she and Mr. Miller would try to talk to me, but they quickly realized how far gone I was. It took a few long months to finally believe they weren’t out to hurt me. I was always waiting for them to punish me somehow, hit me, starve me, do something I was used to. But neither of them ever laid a hand on me. They just waited patiently for me to come around. After about three months, I started eating dinner at the table with the two of them and then helping around the house after school. Mr. Miller let me hang out in the garage while he worked on his old car listening to eighties’ music. Mrs. Miller taught me how to do laundry and make scrambled eggs. She was the closest thing to a mother-figure I ever had. And after about six months, I finally relaxed and believed I had found two people I could trust. That’s when everything went wrong.”
“Wrong how?”
“Mr. Miller would go away on business trips periodically. Not for very long, a few days at the most. Mrs. Miller, or Kim by that time, and I were cooking dinner. It had become sort of a thing for us. It was our time to talk. She was really nice, funny, and easygoing. But that night she was acting weird. Usually, she dressed pretty conservatively in sweaters and dress pants, but she had on tight jeans and a button up that wasn’t exactly buttoned up. She was drinking wine and being really flirty. It was odd. And then, while I was cutting peppers, she brushed up against me and it definitely wasn’t by accident. I nearly sliced my finger open. I didn’t like women to begin with, and I really didn’t like it when they invaded my personal space. I tried to move away, but she ended up stalking me into a corner, telling me how attractive she thought I was, and how much she wanted me, and how Mr. Miller, Rob, would never have to know. Ellie, I was horrified. I wanted to escape down the kitchen sink. And then she kissed me and I completely freaked. I pushed her away as hard as I could and then just ran. It was my breaking point.” Kayne laughs crazily. “My first real kiss and it was with a forty-year-old woman trying to take advantage of me.” He looks at me so dejectedly that my heart disintegrates right on the spot. “My trust had been shattered, again. By another woman. I was done. So I chose one hellhole over another.”
“What was living on the street like?” I search his hollow eyes.
“Fucking cold. And lonely, and hard. But it was safe because I depended on myself, and I was the only person I could trust.”
I am incapable of speaking. So many things are starting to make sense.
“I spent eight hours in the recruiter’s office the eve of my eighteenth birthday just waiting until the minute I could sign. It was the best decision I ever made.”
“Why?”
“Being in the Army gave me structure and stability. It redefined me. I was ready to be someone new. Then I met Jett, and my life changed in a whole other set of ways. I was a wild animal before the two; I had no discipline, no self-respect, no integrity. They built me up into more. Not that I’m saying I’m perfect. We both know that I’m not, but I’m way better off than I was. And with you in my life, I’m even better.” He tangles our fingers and holds on tightly.
“Are you sure about that?”
“I’ve never been more sure about anything. I don’t think you understand how much power you have.”
“I don’t think I do, either.”
Kayne clenches my hand, our palms smashing together. “Ellie, you’re the one person who can destroy me. You’re my sin and my absolution, my indulgence and my starvation, and every right to all my wrongs.”
Oh Jesus, I think I just dissolved. This man can govern me with just his words. There’s no controlling the onslaught of emotion that overcomes me. Compulsively, I crush my lips against his and fight back the tears as I suck and lick and plunge my tongue deeply into his mouth.
He kisses me back with matched force until we need to come up for air. “What did you mean when you said your trust had been shattered by another woman?” I press my forehead against his, winded, with my heart beating rapidly.
Kayne looks up into my eyes and his anguished expression almost destroys me. He grabs onto my neck and closes his eyes like he’s holding onto me for dear life.
“Kayne?”
“Ellie,” he says my name so wounded. “I’m not sure I can.”
I have no idea how to keep him talking or even if I should, but I blurt out, “In high school, my prom date tried to rape me.” Kayne’s eyes fly open. “He was drunk and we were at an after party at a hotel. We were in the bathroom fooling around, and when we went as far as I was comfortable with, I told him to stop and he wouldn’t.”
Kayne looks at me disturbed. “Ellie, are you trying to kick me while I’m down?”
“What? No. Why would you say that?” Then I realize. “Kayne, you never raped me.”
“I might as well have.” He drops his head back and knocks it against the pool’s edge.
I force his face back up so I can look at him.
“I never told anyone about it.”
“Then why are you telling me now?” His voice is guarded.
“Because you said I could talk to you about anything. And I want to be able to do that. I just don’t want it to be one-sided.”
“I don’t want that, either, but I don’t know if I can . . . about this.”
“We all have things that tear us up inside, and I can tell you from experience that talking about it helps.”
Kayne sighs heavily. “You’ve been spending way too much time with Jett.”
“I’m not going to force you to tell me. But I’ll listen whenever you’re ready.” I kiss him on the lips with an abundance of love. Yes, exactly that. Love.
“I’m going to go dry off for dinner.” I go to pull myself up so I can get out of the pool, but Kayne latches on to my thighs and stops me dead with just his impenetrable stare. The wall just got two feet thicker and twenty feet higher.
“I only met my mother once,” he says, his voice so cold it freezes the pool. “I was seven and having a really rough time with the foster family I was with. They were especially abusive.” I settle back down onto Kayne’s lap. “They would lock me in a dark, tiny closet and leave me there for days. I still don’t know why, maybe so they didn’t have to deal with me.” He swallows a very large lump in his throat, and I’m suddenly having second thoughts about him taking this trip down memory lane. “They made me pee in a bowl and eat scraps of food they threw at me like a dog.” He clears his throat. “One morning my social worker shows up with this woman. She was really pretty.” He says it like a child as his eyes tear up. “She even sort of looked like me. Same face and eyes, even hair color. And she was sweet. Really sweet. The two of them took me out, we went to the park, and for pizza, and even got ice cream. It was probably the best day of my life.” His voice cracks and so does my heart. “When they took me back to my foster home, the woman, her name was Sarah, took my hand and sat me on the curb. That’s when she told me who she was.”
“Your mom.”
He nods. “She said she had been sick and wasn’t able to take care of me for a long time, but she was better now and wanted us to be a family again. I remember asking her if she would take me to the park if we were a family. She said yes, often. That’s your biggest concern as a seven-year-old, you know, if you get to play.” He laughs sadly. “I hugged her so hard before she left, pleading with her to take me with her. She was my mom, I belonged with her. But she said that there were things that needed to be worked out, so I needed to stay where I was a little while longer. She promised she would be back. She looked me straight in the eyes and promised. And I believed her. I fucking believed her and I loved her.” Kayne splashes his face with the pool water, as if trying to wash away the surge of emotion. “She never came back, Ellie. I waited for days, weeks, months, years—sometimes I think I’m still waiting.” He breaks, tears spilling out of his eyes. Unable to stop myself, I throw my arms around his neck and hug him as tightly as my arms will allow. “She destroyed me with hope, the same way Mrs. Miller destroyed me with trust.” He hugs me back, digging his face into the curve of my neck. “You’re the first woman I have ever entrusted with those two things.”
I pull back and look at him. I think I finally understand the power that I hold. His tears continue to fall, trickles of heart wrenching sadness running down his face. They compel me as much as they destroy me. With no hesitation I lick his cheek tasting the salty anguish on my own tongue.
He jerks back, stunned. “Why did you do that?”
“You always lick away my tears,” I respond simply. Looking back, every tear I ever shed in his presence was never done in vain. It was his strange way of connecting, showing me he cared.
The doorbell rings, causing us both to jump.
“Room service,” Kayne mutters.
“I’ll get it.” I kiss him firmly before hurrying out of the pool. I grab a towel to wrap around me, and let the young man in, directing him to set the food on the table outside on the deck. I follow him through the bungalow, and when we get outside, Kayne is already out of the pool and drying off. His mannerisms are stiff and his face is blank.
The young, tan waiter quickly sets up our plates and leaves unobtrusively. Kayne and I both stare down at the food, but I don’t think either of us is hungry at the moment.
“I’m going to go shower,” he tells me withdrawn, walking toward the sliding doors leading to our bedroom. I grab his wrist as he passes by me. “We can take one together later if you want.” I look up at him naked of all reservations. This man’s emotional deprivation runs deeper than I could have ever imagined.
“Of course, I want that.” His voice is gruff. “Do you still want it, that’s the question?”
“Why wouldn’t I?”
“Because I was just acting like the biggest pussy on the face of the Earth.”
He’s hiding again.
“No, you weren’t. You were acting human, and that’s the sexiest thing on the face of the Earth.” I cuddle up to him, encouraging him to take me in his arms.
“You can hurt me, Ellie,” he says, stripped bare.
“I know, but that’s the last thing I want to do.”
“I hope so,” he breathes.
“Just keep trusting me, the way I’ve learned to trust you.”