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I'm starting a new habit.  It’s a leaving work because I don’t give a fuck habit.  

A shaky breath leaves me as I look out of the window and think about how Michael tried to stop me.  He held me back at the bar, keeping me from Grace and wanting to know every fucking detail.  And I told him.  Every last detail, too.  

I told him how I felt about her.  How I was pissed that she told Diane.  

But I keep coming back to one thing.  If I didn’t mean anything to her, why did she stand up to Ali and try to make it better?  Why did she come back to the bar?

I don’t give a fuck what she told Diane.  

The traffic light goes from red to green, and I hit the gas pedal.  I'm driving as fast as I can to go to her.  

I want Grace. And I know some piece of her wants me, too. I clench my jaw as the next light turns yellow and I think about just blowing through it, but I slow down and try to calm the fuck down.  I know where she lives. I’ve seen her ID plenty of times before, and she’s told me her address more than once, flirting and teasing about taking her home. I never thought this would be the fucking reason I’m finally going to her apartment.

I don’t even know what I’ll say when I see her.  My eyes flick to the phone in the passenger seat.  She won’t answer me.  I fucking hope she’s at her place.  I don’t want to make a scene at her job, but if she’s not home, that’s where I’m headed next.

I need her to know I didn’t mean it.

Even if she turns me away for good, I won’t leave until she tells me she believes me.  I never wanted to hurt her.  Not in any way.  

It takes forever to get to her apartment, but when I do, I take the stairs two at a time.  

The brass numbers on her door stare back at me as I raise my fist and bang against her door.  I know she’s home.  Her car’s here.  My breathing comes in ragged pants and my body heats then cools, the anxiety overwhelming me.  

I lean against the door, waiting for her to say something.  But there’s nothing.  

I bang on the door again and then stop as I hear the knob click and turn.  Grace opens the door with the chain lock still engaged and peeks out at me.  Her cheeks are red and tearstained, and it rips my heart in half.  

“Grace,” her name comes out as a plea.  “I’m so fucking sorry.”

“You should go, Charlie,” her voice cracks as she talks, but she stays still, staring back at me.  

“I need you to hear me out.”  She bites her lip and looks away.  The only sound I can hear is my heart beating as the silence grows.  

“Please just hear me out,” I beg her.  

The door closes and I hear her unlock the latch and then open it a good foot to look at me.  She doesn’t open it any further, and I don’t push her to.  I’m grateful she opened it at all.  

“I’m so damn sorry, Grace. I didn’t mean it.  I never meant to hurt you.”  My heart races as I get the words out as quickly as possible.  “I need you to know that.  I didn’t mean a damn thing I said back there.”  I gesture down the hall and wait for her to say something.  Anything.  Please believe me.  

“You should go,” her voice is pained as she says the words, standing in her doorway and not letting me in.

“Grace, I didn’t mean any of it,” I start to tell her.  I half expect her to stop me, but she lets me go on.  I look down the empty hall, gathering the courage to lay it all on the line for her.  

“I don’t know what you heard,” I swallow the lump in my throat remembering the words I said.  Her expression scrunches with agony and a deep wrinkle forms in the middle of her forehead as she holds back tears.

“That I never meant anything to you.”

“I didn’t mean it.”  I stop her right there.  “You do mean something to me, I swear it.” I take in a deep breath.  “I haven’t ever felt anything like this before.  Never.  You mean more to me than anyone else ever has.”

Her blue eyes swirl with emotion and stare deep into mine.  I know she wants to believe it.  I can feel her coming back to me.  I desperately want her in my arms, but she’s still clutching that damn door.

“Charlie,” Grace’s voice is tight as she finally looks me in the eye.  “I want to be real honest with you right now,” she says and then swallows thickly.  

“Go ahead,” I take a small step forward, willing her to tell me whatever she’s thinking.  

“I want stability,” her hand grips the door and I watch as her fingers tighten.  “I want a family and a man in my life who wants that, too.”

My heart clenches, and I can feel the words on the tip of my tongue.  I want that, too… eventually.  I do.  Someday.

“And not just someone who thinks maybe he might settle down one day,” she answers, as if she read my mind.

“I-” I feel my muscles tighten.  She wants a ring.  She wants commitment.  I was ready when I came, determined to do whatever it took to keep her.  But the thought of a ring makes me clam up.  “I want you, Grace.”  

“I’m…” she tries to say something else, but tears fill her eyes.

“I can’t promise a wedding, or…” I feel my heart racing, trying to get the right words out.  I want her.  I just don’t know what the future holds.  There’s so much we don’t know about each other.  I feel trapped in a corner, knowing she wants me to tell her I can see us together for the long haul. Sure, a part of me can, but I’m not ready to say the words.  

I don’t know anything other than how she makes me feel.  

“You make me happy, Grace,” I speak without thinking.

“You make me happy, too.” Tears flow down her cheeks and I reach out to her, but she takes half a step back.  

“I need to know if you’re going to be there for me.”  She looks at me with a plea in her eyes, but I don’t know what for.  

“Grace, I want to start over.  Okay?  Let’s start fresh and take it slow,” I put my hands out as if I’m approaching a wounded animal, but it doesn’t help.

Her body hunches forward, and she covers her mouth as a sob wracks through her body.  

“Grace, please,” I grab onto her, feeling her slip away from me, but she pushes me away.  She’s shutting down in front of me and I can see it happening, but I don’t know how to stop it.  

“Can’t we just go back to the way we were before?” I plead with her.  We fit so well together.  It was easy and natural.  I want that back.  I want her back.  

“Please go,” she hiccups.  “I just need to-” she doesn’t finish.  Shaking her head, she brushes the tears away.

“Grace please,” I beg her as she shuts the door, but she doesn’t stop.  

The door closes in my face and I stand there, staring at it and listening as her sobs grow fainter.  

I finally snap out of it, out of the shock of her pushing me away and I bang on the door.  “Grace!”  My voice is hoarse.  

I ruined it.  I don’t know where it went wrong.  The ring.  My blood chills as I stand numb.  She threw me away just like that.  

And I let her.  All over what?  A ring?  

I turn away from the door, feeling conflicted and not knowing what to do.  

I still want her.  I know with everything in me that I do.  But maybe that’s not enough.