Rhys

I try to get out of the room, because I have to, but X steps in front of me. “You put my son in danger, because you couldn’t keep your dick in your pants, and now you’re going to run away?”

“Yes.”

“No. You’re going to face this guy, and let him beat the shit out of you. I could buy him off, but I suspect he wants you to feel a little pain.”

“No! Stop it, X.”

I don’t look at Viv when she grabs my arm, because I can’t. I told her I was dirty and damaged, and if what we did at the fountain didn’t prove it to her, this should. It should, but it doesn’t seem to be happening.

“Let go, Viv. He’s right. I need to take responsibility for all of my actions.”

“Yeah, you do,” X agrees.

“Call me when you have him here—or wherever—and I’ll come back.”

“Don’t go. Please don’t go.” Viv is holding my arm, and pleading with me, but I shake her off.

“I have to. Who knows who else is out there, wanting to get at me. I won’t put any of you in the line of fire for me again.”

I look at my sister when I say the words, and the pain on her face nearly knocks me over. She shouldn’t have had to protect me that night, or any night. I’m a man and until I start acting like it, I’ll be no good for any of us. The problem is, I don’t know how to be the man the women I love believe me to be. I don’t know how to heal.

“We can do this together,” Viv insists, trying to make me look at her.

“No, we can’t.”

“I won’t beg you to stay when you don’t want to, but I wish you would.”

“Wishes are for the naïve, and we’ve both seen too much of this world to be labeled that,” I say, finally forcing myself to look at her. “Have the life you deserve for once, Vivs.”

She lets me go, because she won’t beg—and I don’t want her to. She’s lived a life nowhere near what she deserved for the last five years, and now, she needs to be happy and fulfilled. She can’t do that with me. Even if she doesn’t realize it now, it’s the truth.

My sister stays silent as I walk past her, but the determined look on her face lets me know she’s not buying my act. Right now, I don’t have time to convince her. Viv is who I have to force myself away from, and I’m doing it. I’m doing what’s best for her.

“Keep that phone on you,” X says, and I know he’d be willing to dole out the beating himself if asked.

“I will.”

I order the Uber as I walk, knowing where I need to go. Knowing it, dreading it, but planning on doing it anyway. I lied back there to try and get Viv to see who I’ve been, but she wasn’t having it. I don’t want to leave her, but I can’t be with her until I face the things I’ve done—and were done to me—and can let her help make me whole. Honestly, I don’t know if that’s even possible, but I have to try.

Viv

“I will not allow you to let that man hurt Rhys.”

“He walked out on you, Viv. It’s not a good look to be advocating for a man who walked away,” X tells me, shaking his head.

“What about a woman? If Seri was in trouble, you’re telling me you wouldn’t move the earth to protect her?”

“It’s not the same thing.”

“Isn’t it? Rhys is being punished because a woman wanted him. Seri left because she thought you wanted me.”

“I know why she left,” he growls.

“Then act like it.”

“I have to protect my son, above all else. I’ll never apologize for that.”

“I’m not asking you to. What I’m asking is for you to shut down this man, or to let the Society do it.”

“It’s already being taken care of,” Rhieve tells me. “No one’s touching my brother.”

“You have to know that getting him out of everything isn’t doing him any good. He has to learn to fight for himself.”

“I didn’t get him out in time when it mattered, and I’ll never let that happen again. Don’t try to lecture me, because you don’t scare me, X. I’ll fight you to the death over my brother, because whether you believe it or not, I know he’d do the same for me.”

“Who said I was trying to scare you?”

“You try to scare, and intimidate everyone,” I tell him.

“Well, it’s obviously not as successful as I’d want it to be.”

“It’s successful with the people who haven’t seen you with Micah—or Seri. You’re human, X, even if you’d prefer to be a computer. Letting that out now and then isn’t going to take power from you, but it might get you more help when you need it.”

“I was fine before the Society came looking for me, and forced me out into the open. It was just me and Micah, and we were good.”

“Do you wish we hadn’t come for you? That we’d left Harlow in the line of fire while you pretended the world around you didn’t exist?” Rhieve asks, looking like she wants to punch him. I don’t blame her.

“Reina wouldn’t have allowed Harlow to be hurt.”

“No, she wouldn’t, and you don’t see that as a weakness for your cousin, do you?”

He rolls his eyes. “I knew better than to fall for that, but it still happened. Well played, spy girl.”

“You’ll help us keep Rhys safe?” I ask, hoping that’s what he means.

“Yes, I will.”

Rhys

The train rolls through the countryside, and I try to keep myself calm. I want a drink, but I know I don’t need one. I need to somehow make this all better—make myself better. I don’t know how, but I have to. I can’t put the people I love in any more danger, and I can’t have them keep rescuing me, either. I’m a grown man and it’s time I start acting like one.

As the train nears Norwich, my palms begin to sweat. I came here voluntarily, and I want to face my fears, so I have to be here. There’s no other choice. I have to go back to the place I was rescued from, and remember it all, so I can move past it.

The train station is moderately busy, and I bypass the cabs waiting outside, preferring to walk. I don’t walk to my destination yet, but instead wander the connecting streets. I eat some great fish, and chips, and buy a pair of shoes for Viv from one of the shops. They’re nothing “Vivienne” would wear, but I think “Viv” will love them. I don’t know if she’ll ever talk to me again, but I buy them anyway.

I walk, and wander, and when the sun goes down, I finally go where I never wanted to go again. The warehouse isn’t abandoned, as I’d hoped it would be, but crowded with partiers at the club it’s become. Maybe it’s better this way, because I won’t allow myself to break down in front of this crowd.

After paying the entrance fee, I walk through the different rooms on the ground floor. They’re still the same as they were when I was here last, the chains attached to the walls, and the harnesses hanging from the ceiling. Only now, the patrons are clothed as they dance with everything, using it all as if they’re just toys, and not restraints. Yes, they’re having fun and not hurting anyone, but I still don’t like it.

I expected this place to be a shell, with everything else gone. I wanted to see it broken, like I am, but it’s not. It’s been reincarnated into a den of clothed pleasure, and I find it unsettling to see what’s been left behind being played with so casually.

One step at a time. I keep repeating that to myself as I enter the throng of people. They gyrate, simulating sex, and sending messages of want and need to their dance partners, and sometimes, the room at large. It’s what I should be doing. It’s what I usually do. But, not here. I could never act carefree and fun here.

Here, I stand in the middle of it all, and close my eyes, letting the memories come. Memories I don’t want to remember, even if they started out fun, and enjoyable. I voluntarily came to this place, and for a little while, I played the game. I wanted those women—and maybe some of the men, if I’m being honest—to touch me, suck me, use me for their pleasure and mine.

Until, I didn’t want it anymore, but was powerless to stop it. If things had gone down differently. I could maybe convince myself they didn’t hear me when I asked them to stop. I could pretend they only wanted pleasure, and not revenge. But, that’s not the case. A man wanted everything he didn’t deserve, and he thought I was his ticket to it all. I wasn’t.

“Remember me?” a female voice asks, as a hand cups my ass.

I open my eyes, and remove the hand, bumping into dancers as I move away from the woman before me. Yes, I remember her. I remember them all. If I let myself look too closely at everything, I’ll realize that’s why I fight so hard to not remember anyone who came after them.

“Yes.”

“It’s a shame they closed this place down, but we could still have some fun.”

“No.”

“You said that to me before, but your body had other ideas.”

“You heard me say ‘no’ and you still used me. Rape isn’t a good look, honey.”

“Your body wanted it.”

“But my mind, and soul didn’t. I was chained to a wall, so I couldn’t walk away.”

“I-I didn’t think you meant it.”

“I did.”

“Oh Go! I’m sorry. Really, I’m sorry.”

I can see in her eyes she means it. She looks sad, and maybe a little traumatized. “Thank you for saying that.”

“Is there anything I can do to help you? Do you need help?”

“I need help, but not from you. I appreciate the offer, though.”

I walk away, because anything more I could say would hurt both of us. I would be lying if I said the weight of this place was lifted from me by that apology, but I can honestly say I feel a little calmer as I walk through the room. I told Viv I wasn’t naïve, and I meant it. I know not all of those people were as clueless as the girl I walked away from, and I know her apology doesn’t make what she did right. It’s helping me walk through this crowd right now, so there’s that, but it’s not everything I need.

The stairs to the VIP area are being guarded by a bouncer who looks like he could snap me in two, yet I still approach him, because it’s up there where everything started. I’ve walked through the end, but I also need to face the beginning. Time to slap on the pompous smirk of the rich boy out to play.

“Hey, man.”

“Hello.”

“Do you think I could take a peek upstairs?”

“Whatcha offering?”

I pull out some pounds I got from the ATM in Cardiff, and hand the notes over to him. He raises his eyebrows before smiling, and pulling back the velvet rope.

“Go on up.”

I nod, and swagger my way up the steps. It’s all about image sometimes, and I know how to work what I’ve been born with. Money, privilege, and a good little smirk can get me almost anywhere I want to be. And right now, I need to be here.

There’s more making out up here, and a few oral sex demonstrations, but that’s common in many of the clubs I’ve been to, so it doesn’t bother me to see it, even in this place.

“How’s it going?” a man asks, rising from a couch where he was sitting alone. I didn’t notice him, but I should’ve.

“Nate Anderson. I don’t believe in coincidences, but I’m not sure why my sister sent you.”

“Let’s get out of here, and I’ll explain.”

“I’m not ready to leave.”

He nods. “The room is open back there, but no one’s inside. Take your time.”

I hate that he knows why I’m here, but he’s not mocking me in any way, and I appreciate that. “Okay.”

Viv

This time, when Rhieve finds me, I’m sitting on the deck, trying to read and relax. It’s not going so well, but I’m trying. I place my e-reader down, and smile at her, knowing what—or rather, who—she’s here to talk to me about.

“You didn’t go after him.”

“No. I love Rhys, but I won’t chase after someone who isn’t ready for me. I stayed with a man who didn’t love or want me for far too long to do that to myself again.”

“He loves, and wants you.”

“Yes, but he’s not ready to accept either of those things. He has to before we can move forward.”

“I know where he is.”

“I’m pretty sure I do, too.”

“He needs someone to be there when he falls. Someone to maybe not catch him, but to help him stand again.”

“He needs more help than I can offer, Rhieve. I will happily help him dust himself off when he stumbles, but only when he truly accepts everything I’m willing to offer him, and can offer me the same back. I have to put myself first for once in my life. If I don’t, it will make things worse for us.”

“I’ve talked to him about seeing someone.”

“I’m guessing that didn’t go over so well.”

“No, but I’ve sent a friend to try and help.”

“If you can’t get through to him, and he won’t let me even try, what makes you think someone who doesn’t love him can?”

“Because he doesn’t love him like we do, and because, he’s been through something similar.”

“Oh. I didn’t think what happened to Rhys was common. I mean, I should realize it is, but no one really talks about men having that happen.”

“That’s part of the problem. We don’t even talk enough about what happens to women, and men get completely overlooked. My friend didn’t have the same circumstances as Rhys, but he was used against his will for sex. I’m hoping he can convince my brother to get help.

“Me too.”

Hope is all I have left right now, but I’m holding onto it as tightly as I can. I’m starting my life over, and I can’t look back, or wish for what might’ve been. None of that will change. The future is all I have in my control, and while I want Rhys to be a part of that, if he can’t, I’ll have to find a way to accept that, too.