Rhys

I know I freaked Vivienne out, but she freaked me out too. I fuck around a lot, but I don’t let my guard down for a moment with any woman I’m with, and I definitely don’t fall asleep with them. I told her the plane would’ve been different, but that might be a lie. I felt safe and secure here in this house, but then she tried to suck my cock, and I acted like she was raping me. Yeah, I wasn’t awake and consenting, but I loved having her mouth on me in the past, so why wouldn’t I be okay with it now?

Because, I’m a fucked-up shell of a man, who’s lying here wide awake, while the only woman I’ve ever loved is snuggled up next to me. Sleeping. She invited me into her body, and I promised her a good cuddle. Yeah, I’m definitely fucked up, and not getting fucked.

“Rhys,” she murmurs in her sleep, cuddling even closer into my side.

A better man would walk away from this—from her—but I’m so far from being better I don’t even know what that would look like. I’m just me and I know I’m not good enough for anyone, let alone Vivienne. That was drilled into me with words and fists all those years ago, and I know it’s still true now.

“Why aren’t you sleeping?”

I look down to see she’s woken up, and is looking at me with worry in her eyes. Worry I put there, and now I have to try and remove it.

“Just thinking. Go back to sleep,” I tell her, kissing the top of her head.

“Do you need me to leave? I don’t want to keep you up!”

“No,” I lie. “I’m just full of thoughts about everything and I can’t relax.”

She turns my face, because I haven’t looked her in the eyes yet. “Tell me what you need me to do.”

“Just be you. That’s all I need, Vivs.”

She leans up and kisses me softly. “With you, I always am.”

I feather kisses all over her face, and close my eyes, so she’ll close hers too. Her even breathing a few minutes later tells me it worked, and now I’m back on my own, with thoughts I can’t get rid of. I’m so broken, I don’t know if I’ll ever be fixed, and I know that means this will never last. I can never have this woman next to me if I can’t give her everything she deserves, and more. It wouldn’t be fair to her, and after what she’s gone through, she needs things to be fair.

Once I’m sure she’s sleeping deeply, I slide out from under her, throw on some jeans, and walk outside. The air is crisp, but not cold enough to deter me from seeking some kind of solace. That’s all I want—a little peace from my thoughts.

“Why did you just run from your room like it was on fire?” Rhieve asks, appearing out of the darkness.

“Nice parlor trick.”

“Training, not tricks, and answer my question.”

“Vivienne’s in my bed, sleeping.”

“Now I’m really not understanding why you’re out here instead of in there.”

Of course, she doesn’t understand. No one can understand what those days and nights for me in Norwich were like. Pleasure mixed with shame, and humiliation.

“She deserves better.”

“Isn’t that for her to decide?”

“You didn’t see me in that club, and I’m so damn thankful for that. What they were doing to me when Darcy found me—if you’d seen that, you’d never want to be my sister ever again.”

“Stop right there, Rhys. We have our differences, and I don’t like you lying to get this job, but I love you. I will always love you. And, I love being your sister.”

“Why? After everything, why?”

“Because you are more than what’s happened to you, or what you’ve felt you had to do in response to what happened to you.”

“Maybe I’m not. Maybe I’m just supposed to be used for my body.”

“Have you talked to someone?”

I laugh her off with a shake of my head. “A shrink? No. We weren’t raised to air our dirty laundry to others. You know that.”

“We also weren’t raised to stand up for ourselves and others, but we’re both doing that now.”

“You are, but I’m not. Don’t try to give me credit when I don’t deserve it.”

“You’re telling me that if someone came into this yard right now, and went for Vivienne—or me—you wouldn’t try to stop them.”

“If you’re asking if I’d take a bullet for you, I would.”

“You didn’t hesitate.”

“Because I love you.”

“And that’s what matters.”

“Great talk.”

She grabs my arm as I try to walk away, and I know I’m going to hear more about talking to someone. “We’re not done here.”

“For tonight, we are.”

“I didn’t save you just to lose you to the demons in your head.”

“You won’t.”

That’s a promise we both know I can’t keep, but she lets me go. She won’t give up, and honestly, I don’t want her to. Right now, I can’t help myself, or ask for help from others, but as long as my sister believes in me, I can hold onto her hope to keep me going.

Viv

I wasn’t sleeping when Rhys went outside, but I pretended I was. He’s scaring me, and I don’t know how to help him. The way he reacted when I slipped into his bed hurt me, but seeing the lost look in his eyes hurt me more. I know he’s not rejecting me, but he’s not letting me in, either.

I’m still awake when he walks back into the room, and I debate letting him think I’m sleeping again, but I remind myself about the promise I made when I left Christon. I told myself I wouldn’t pretend, or behave in a way I wasn’t comfortable with.

“I told you I would leave if you weren’t comfortable having me here with you.”

“I don’t want you to leave.”

“But you can’t sleep, can you?”

“No.”

I climb out of bed, taking a pillow with me. “I’ll fit on the chaise.”

“What? No. You’re not sleeping there.”

“Yes, I am. You don’t want me to go. I don’t want me to go. So, it’s the only answer.”

He pulls me into his arms, and kisses me. I should be embarrassed by how quickly I melt into him, but it’s always been like this with us. Even when we were platonic friends, we hugged with everything we had.

“Can we try again on the bed?” he asks, looking shy, and reminding me of the boy he was all those years ago.

“Only if you’re okay with it.”

“I want to be.”

I take his hand, and walk him back to the bed, stopping to line the middle with some of the throw pillows. “A compromise,” I tell him.

“You should walk away now,” he tells me.

“I’ve never knowingly walked away from you before, and I’m not going to start now.”

“Thank you. I’m going to try to deserve you, and be normal.”

“Everyone has their own version of ‘normal’ and one isn’t better than another. We’ll work this out, Rhys.”

“Yeah, we will.”

We hold hands on top of those little pillows, facing each other. It’s not the most comfortable way to sleep, but it’s what he needs. I’ll give him whatever he needs, as long as he’s giving himself back to me. He’s trying, and that’s all I can ask for right now.

I hear him fall asleep and say a mental thank you to the man upstairs, because Rhys needs all the rest he can get. We’re in an okay place, relationship-wise, but we’re still not exactly safe. I’m hoping Rhieve, X, and their friends will have some info for us tomorrow, but we may be hunkered down here for an extended period of time. I’m fine with that because I have nowhere I need to be, but if we get put on lockdown I’m truly afraid for Rhys.