Chapter 11
Jack
Anger suffocates me until I’m gasping for air. I’ve managed to switch off in some way over the past few days, but it’s all gone to shit.
David.
The name burns through my soul. It’s shredding me to fucking pieces. One moment I’m being sucked under in a current of rage by being betrayed by David, while the next I’m beaten down by the thought that I failed him.
When I reach the chapel, I take a seat on one of the benches. The trees cast dark shadows around me.
David was my life for so long. He was the reason I let those filthy fuckers touch me. I’ll never forget his last words to me. ‘No use in pretending anymore.’
It was never pretend for me. It was brutally real. It was a soul-crushing reality I was forced to face every day.
He was working with Cameron all along. They let me believe that David was being sheltered from that perverted life. Instead, he is just another fucked-up version of Cameron.
“Jack?” River sounds cautious and she should be. If she knew what was good for her, she’d back off and let me be.
I hear her come closer and another wave of anger surges through me. “Stay away from me,” I growl darkly.
She stops somewhere behind me and then she whispers, “Sophia told me about David. I’m so sorry, Jack.”
“She had no right,” I hiss under my breath.
“What they did to you-” she sucks in a deep breath. “I’m so sorry, Jack.”
“You said that already!” I stand up and swing around. I stalk to where she’s standing, and I tower over her. I need to let go of this consuming anger and hatred. “You pretend to be fucking different. You pretend just like Cameron and David pretended.” I suck in some air before hissing, “You are just like them.”
She folds her arms around herself, as if she’s trying to protect herself from my words.
“I’m not,” she whispers, lightly shaking her head. “I am nothing like those monsters. Never compare me to them.”
I take another step closer. She tilts her head back and her eyes lock with mine. I frown when I see the fear on her face. She’s scared of me? It must be an act to let me lower my guard.
I lean down until I feel hear breath bursting over my neck. I grind the words out. “You are just like them. You must think I’m fucking stupid. Your kind disgusts me. You would fuck me in a heartbeat.”
She brings a trembling hand to her mouth and suck in a sharp breath. I wait for her to try and hit me, but instead, she spins around and walks away from me. “I’m not doing this with you. You’re looking for a fight with the wrong person.”
She takes a few steps, but then swings around again. She stalks back and I brace myself for a fight.
When she’s right in front of me, she looks up again and this time there is pain all over her face.
“I’m nothing like Cameron.” Her voice cracks with emotion. “I was thirteen when my mother was sold. She’s somewhere out there and I can’t find her. It kills me a little every day.”
She points to the bonsai trees I planted today.
“Those plants were bought with the money my father made off his slaves. I grew up seeing people being raped and beaten every single day.”
My chest starts to feel tight and her words hit hard. I clench my hands at my sides, feeling totally off balance.
She takes a shaky breath and then a tear spills over her cheek.
“I’ve never raped someone. I’ve never beaten someone. I use the money my father made from those poor souls to save people,” She whispers.
She sounds broken and it makes me uneasy.
“I’m not like them.”
River turns away from me and this time she walks away without saying another word.
I frown as I watch her go, trying to make sense of what I’m feeling. It’s not anger or disgust. It’s a different kind of shame.
I can’t sleep. With the lights off, I stand in front of the window staring into the dark night. I’m trying to process everything River told me earlier.
I try to make sense of the guilt I feel.
Movement in the garden catches my eye. River. I need to do something to make up for earlier. I’ve hurt people before, but every single one of them deserved it.
I watch her figure until she’s out of sight.
I’ve never hurt someone that hasn’t hurt me first, and it feels wrong. This time I was wrong.
I turn around and walk out of the room. Once outside, I walk in the direction I saw River last.
I check the chapel but she’s not there. I finally find her sitting on the stretch of sand by the river’s edge.
She draws her legs up, and rests her chin on her knees. She looks so small, sitting alone in the dark.
“I was fourteen,” she suddenly whispers. “I made the choice of having sex with one of the stable boys. I knew it would only be a matter of time before father sold me.”
I walk closer and then sit down next to her.
“My first time was awful and it hurt. We didn’t know what we were doing. But none of that mattered. I just wanted to get rid of my virginity.”
She starts to draw circles on the sand, while she stares out over the water.
“He found out. He was so angry. He made us have sex again. It was horrible. He stood there watching. I’ve never felt so degraded in my life, and then as the boy came, my father shot him in the back of the head. There was blood everywhere. I felt him die.”
She wipes tiredly over her eyes.
“Because of me that boy died.”
Her father betrayed her like David betrayed me. I now understand her a little better.
We both just sit and stare into the night. A lot has been said between us. Although, it feels like I’ve connected with her in some way, it doesn’t mean I trust her.
The next day I spend the day working down by the chapel. I like being alone out here.
When I need more manure for the plants, I grab the wheelbarrow, slowly walking to where the cattle are.
I shovel some into the wheelbarrow, but then I hear a familiar sound that makes my skin crawl. It’s coming from the building to my right.
I walk closer but stop in the doorway. I feel chilled ot the bone as my eyes sweep through the building. There’s lots of hay everywhere. A moan makes my eyes dart up, and then I see them.
At first, shock ripples through me. I was starting to trust my surroundings, and seeing them fucking shatters that trust to fucking hell.
I’m just about to turn around, when the man caresses the woman’s cheek. My lips part as he kisses her. I’ve never seen something like that before. It’s tender, not brutal and forced.
The longer I stare at them, the more I release that what they are doing is different from what I’m used to. There’s no anger, no aggression.
I watch as their bodies move together, their caresses gentle.
When they find their release, he doesn’t get up and dismiss her like a piece of trash. Instead, holds her. They whisper and laugh together.
Feeling shaken, I leave before they see me. I’ve seen many have sex before, but never in my life have I seen something like that. It actually feels like I’ve intruded on something private.
Trying to understand what I saw, I go back to shoveling manure into the wheelbarrow. I go about my day, but no matter how hard I work, the couple is constantly in my thoughts.
When I clean up, I still haven’t made sense of what I witnessed earlier the day. I sit down for dinner, absorbed in my thoughts, when the couple from the barn comes in. They’re holding hands, the same way River held my hand the night she paid for me.
Once they’ve left the kitchen, I relax and start to eat my food.
“How was your day?” River asks as she takes the seat next to me.
She asked me the same question yesterday as well.
“The same as yesterday,” I say, feeling a little irritated.
She laughs and then says, “I know you did gardening, but I’d like to know what you planted, or which part of the garden you worked on.”
Part of me wants to ignore her. It’s easier to keep quiet, people forget about you then. But a bigger part of me wants answers.
River’s eyes go over my face and she frowns, looking worried. “What happened, Jack?”
“I saw a couple fucking.”
I watch as shock ripples over her face. It’s been almost two weeks, and still her reaction to things surprises me.
“Did it upset you?” she asks. I can hear the hesitation, as if she’s scared to upset me even further.
“No,” I answer honestly. “I’m not sure what to make of it. It was different to what I’m used to seeing.”
My eyes go to her hand, and I ask, “Why did you hold my hand that night you paid for me?”
She picks up her glass of water and takes a sip.
“I don’t know,” she answers. “I guess it felt normal. I just wanted to get you away from that woman. I was upset and not thinking straight.”
She looks away, drawing patterns on the table.
“Why were you upset?”
My plate of food lies forgotten in front of me.
She sits back in her chair and then her eyes find mine again.
“It’s heartbreaking to see so many people being abused, and knowing I can’t save them all. I was angry at what that old woman was doing to you.”
I stare at the table as I process her words. No one has ever been upset for me. No one has cared.
“I’m glad she didn’t get her way, though,” River says.
It feels like the walls are starting to close in on me. I get up and before I walk away, I whisper, “She did.”
The night is warm as I walk towards the chapel. The old familiar rage and disgust swirls in my chest
When I reach the chapel, I just stand in the middle of the clearing, feeling lost and out of place.
I hear footsteps behind me, and just like River did the other night, I start to talk. “It feels like I’m being torn apart piece by piece. I can’t control the rage and disgust. They’ve taken so much of me, there’s not enough left to make something of.”
She stops right behind me and I can hear her breathing.
“It’s not your fault, Jack. None of what happened to you was your fault.”
“It was the one thing they couldn’t get from me. It was the only way I could fight. As long as they didn’t get any response from me, it felt like was in control. But that night …”
My body starts to tremble for having to restrain myself. I’d give anything for a chance to kill them. Revenge is the only thing that can restore some kind of balance in my life.
“What night?” River walks around me and comes to stand in front of me. Her face is pale and her eyes are dark with worry.
Physically, I’m so much stronger than her, but for some reason it feels like she’s the one keeping me standing.
“The night it all went to hell. Westbrook had bought me that Saturday night.” I shake my head, feeling sickened to the pit of my stomach by the memory of that night.
River covers her mouth and I watch as a look of horror widens her eyes.
She shakes her head and then whispers, “Did she use those bands on you?”
I look away over her head not wanting to put in words what was done to me.
“I’m so sorry,” River whispers tearfully. I glance down at her, watching a tear rolls down her cheek.
“Why are you crying?”
She wipes the tear away and then says, “Because I’m hurting for you, Jack. I wish I could have saved you from all the horrors you’ve seen and were made to endure. ”
Slowly, she reaches out for my hand. I almost pull away, but something makes me stop and let her take my hand in both of hers.
“I held your hand because I wanted to comfort you. I wish I could take it all from you.”
“It’s who I am,” I say, my tone brimming with bitterness.
She shakes her head and holds my hand to her chest. Her eyes have a look of urgency. “No. It’s not who you are. What they did to you is wrong. It’s a reflection of the vulgar monsters that they are.” She sucks in a breath and I watch her trying to calm down. Softer she says, “It’s not who you are.”
Holding my hand in her left, she traces over the hard planes of my palm. I don’t get blisters anymore.
“You’re so much more, Jack,” she whispers. “You’re strong and unbreakable. You pour yourself into nature, creating something beautiful with your two hands. You’re a fighter, a survivor, and there is nothing on this planet that can take that from you.”
Her movements are tentative as she lets go of my hand. She closes the distance between us and my body goes on high alert as she wraps her arms around my waist. She presses her cheek to my chest, and then just holds me.
I close my eyes because it actually feels good. She’s not ripping my clothes off. She’s not demanding I fuck her.
She’s hugging me.
My arms feel heavy as I lift them, and for the first time since my mother died, I hold someone because I want to and not because I was told to.