Chapter 19
Jack
The fire, the screams, and Miss Ella just lying there on the ground - it’s as if I’m reliving the day my mother died all over again.
The past few weeks I’ve been hiding from myself. I didn’t want to face what happened. I couldn’t. My mother’s death, David’s betrayal, and all the years I’ve let people do sick and twisted things to me, it’s feels like it all just happened again. I’m raw, my wound torn wide open.
I had to get River away from me. I didn’t want her to see me like that. But fuck, I didn’t mean to talk to her like that.
I’m keep seeing flashes of my mother’s burning body, and that strange smile she had on her face as she died. I keep feeling hands grabbing at me. I keep seeing David fucking Sophia. Voices keep taunting me with all the degrading comments that have been flung my way over the years.
‘You’re nothing but a fuck … Every hole has an expiration date … you’re a fucking slave.’
As soon as the elderly doctor walks into the room, I leave him with Miss Ella.
I run to the chapel and when I reach to clearing, I fall to my knees. The stench of smoke surrounds me like a cloud. I’m covered in ash.
I feel degraded and ravaged. Dirty
Bitterness consumes me until there’s nothing left. All the pain and suffering I endured, all the rapes and beatings, all because of those bastards.
For so long hope kept me going, but now I know that hope is nothing more than a weakness. Hope breaks you. Hope gives you faith that something might change, but in the end, it leaves you with all the empty promises you made yourself. Hope destroys your soul.
Shame consumes me for all the times I let men and women fuck me, because I kept telling myself I was doing it for David.
Harrowing memories tear through me like a savage beast. The first time I was forced to suck Sven’s cock. The first time I was tied down and raped by the other slaves, because they had to show me how it was done. Everybody in that house hurt me in some way. The slaves would rape and beat each other, even go as far as to kill the weaker ones. They would fight to be the strongest and most wanted. As long as you were wanted you were worth something.
It feels like I’m suffering from delayed shock, as I remember the first time I was forced to attend a party, and how they made me come against my will.
The memories degrade me until I’m nothing but a rotten shell. All that’s left is an itch that’s crawling over my skin as if a thousand ants are trying to burrow their way in.
It starts to rain, and I rip the shirt from my body and get rid of the shoes. Dressed only in jeans, I stare down at my hands. I want to see their lifeless blood dripping from my fingers. This is all I’ve become. This is all that’s left of me.
I don’t know what time it is when I knock on Adam’s door. It doesn’t take him long to answer.
“Jack,” he looks shocked to see me.
I’m still covered in grime, wet and dressed only in my jeans. My whole body is trembling with rage.
“I need your help,” I growl.
He glances behind him before he steps outside and closes the door.
“Let’s go look at the damage that’s been done to the stables and then we can talk.”
We walk in silence until we reach the stables. Only piles of ash and wood cover the ground.
“What can I help with?” Adam asks, as he starts to pick up some of the bigger pieces of wood.
“I want to go back to Cameron.” His head snaps up and I see the shock on his face, so I quickly explain, “The past few weeks I’ve been living in a trance. I need to go back and make them pay for what they’ve done to me. It’s the only way I’ll be able to live with myself.”
“So, you want revenge?” I can see Adam doesn’t like the idea.
“I’m going to go back and kill them. You can come with and help me, or I’ll go by myself, but those monsters need to pay for what they’ve done.”
“How do you plan on making them pay?”
“That’s why I need you. I want to go when it’s one of Cameron’s busy nights. I want to get as many people as possible. You can take me as your slave. Just get me in and I’ll do the rest.”
“You still haven’t told me what you’re planning to do once I get you in.”
I wave over the pile of ash and burned wood. “Did you see how quickly it all burned down?”
Adam nods and I can see he’s starting to understand me.
“They burned my mother so I want to make sure every last one of them burns the same way.”
Adam takes a deep breath and then stares at the pile of debris. I don’t push him for an answer.
I start to clear all the rubble to the side. When the sun rises, we don’t stop. We work side by side for most of the day and it’s only in the late afternoon that Adam says, “I’ll do it.”
I drop the piece of wood I was carrying and I stare at Adam.
He comes to stand really close to me and whispers, “I’ll do it because I can’t imagine what you and Sophia must have gone through. But you need to understand what you’re going to be doing. You’re going to kill people. I’m doing it to stop them. There is no right reason for killing another human being, but when they are so far above the law, then it’s up to people like us to stop them. I want you to make sure that you can go through with taking another life. I don’t want to get there and you freeze up on me. We’ll be endangering everyone here if someone sees us.”
“If we’re going to a party or scheduling a meeting they will see us,” I state the obvious.
“We don’t have to attend the party. We just go, set the place alight, and make sure no one leaves alive. Then we get our asses out of there.”
“As long as they die.” That’s the only part that matters.
“They will.” Adam wipes the sweat from his brow and then glances in the direction of the manor. “We have to tell River.”
“No.” I shake my head hard. I don’t want her involved.
“She’s my business partner and best friend, Jack. I will not go behind her back. Secrets only destroy trust.”
I understand what he’s saying, but I still don’t like it. I know she’s going to try and stop us. She thinks I’m some lost puppy she picked up. I guess I am partially to blame for her thinking that. I practically disappeared into myself the past few weeks. I lived in a safe bubble trying to hide from myself and the pain.
But, now there’s no more hiding. It’s time to deal with all the destructive memories, and the only way to do that is to eliminate the cause of them.