Chapter Twelve

 

Makayla

 

 

Life was like an old VHS tape. The moment you pressed play, beautiful images danced before you. As soon as you were enthralled in the story, the tape would hit a snag, snapping the tape. Shattering the moment. It always happened at the best parts, striking like a venomous snake when you least expected it. Reminding you how fragile life truly was. We were not promised tomorrow.

I felt like I was walking through a thick fog. Trip wires lurked between the cover of the rolling mist daring me to step forward. Life had taught me to be wary. It taught me to be cautious with my fragile heart.

Images of my life played before me like an old movie reel. The thick grainy images flashed through my mind.

Lenny crashing into my world back in high school, trampling the thin veil that separated our relationship. He ripped down the flimsy wall, claiming me with a kiss. Owning my heart. My life. My eternity.

It was the best moment of my life.

No sooner had I relaxed into the idea of my world being complete - us being together forever - did reality reach out, tapping me on the shoulder, reminding me it could all be over in the blink of an eye.

Life was not as easy as it had been. We were no longer carefree kids in high school whose biggest problem was what to wear to prom. We were adults now, with adult feelings, facing adult issues.

Happiness was not so readily given. It was something you fought for. Something you worked hard for and cherished with all your heart.

Lenny was ripped from me at the peak of my life. The small bean growing in my stomach was the only thing keeping me sane, grounded. Avery was the rainbow after the storm, holding together the pieces of my fractured heart.

I held faith that Lenny would return. Every visit he bestowed upon me and Avery I took as a sign. A sign he still loved us. He still wanted us. We had never talked about our future after he left. I could only hope that he would return. That the love we shared was enough.

In true Lenny fashion, he crashed back into our world. My heart burst in my chest seeing him standing in our living room promising me forever.

But life had taught me not to wish for too much. Not to become complacent.

It took a week for him to touch me.  A week of me throwing myself at him, tempting him with scandalous teases of flesh.

In the end, it wasn't the barely there strips of lace that brought him to his knees. It was my broken heart.

Looking back, I would have done it all over again, a million times over. Baring myself to him stripped away all the barriers between us. It left us raw, completely open to one another.

Seeing Lenny come undone was the most magnificent sight I had ever seen. The way his body filled out over the years, had me biting my knuckles.

The strong coil of muscles as he hovered above me made me weak in the knees.  He was a predator and I was his willing prey.

When Lenny gave in, he gave his all. He worshiped my body, every fiber of my soul. There wasn’t a stitch of my body his hands and mouth hadn't touched. He broke down my walls, one brick at a time, as he turned me into malleable putty in his capable arms.

As if on cue, reality came knocking, this time in the form of an envelope, a lawsuit.

Both Lenny and Lisa had assured me the suit would never see the light of day. Lisa was confident it wouldn’t last a week before it was fully dropped.

So we spent the week tiptoeing around one another. Around the blemish on our perfect world. We continued on as though nothing had happened, our nights filled with so much heat I thought the house would catch fire and burn.

Our days were filled with domesticity. Lenny sat at one end of the living room typing on his computer and I sat at the other end of mine, working on my schooling. Avery played in her playroom on the days she didn’t have daycare.

At first, Lenny was adamant she stay home with us. Refusing to allow her out of sight. It took a while to explain to him the importance of social engagement for her.

Our daughter was only three but she needed social stimulation we could not provide. She needed to spread her wings and engage in social situations with other children her age.

Finally, he relented.

I laughed the first couple of days when he sat at the daycare with her, content to watch her play with her friends. It took exactly two days of tea parties, playing with blocks, and having being ridden around the small classroom like a horse for him to leave her at the school alone. 

Today it was just the two of us. Avery would be at daycare until dinner time, affording us both the silence needed to work.

“Babe, come ’er.” The affectionate pet name he used for me in his school fell from his lips like second nature.

Looking up from the screen in my lap, Lenny sat with a wide smile lighting up his face. He reminded me so much of Avery when she was excited.

Laying my computer to the side I strode toward him. Before I could reach him, Lenny was up on his feet, his long legs eating up the distance between us.

“What’s going on?” Tilting my head to the side I gave him a long look, stunned by his change in behavior. Reaching out his long thick arms he swept me up, swinging me around jubilantly. 

“Lisa did it. The case was dropped.” My arms wrapped around his neck clinging to him. Happiness burst from me.

“Thank god.” I moaned into the curve of his neck, burrowing against him, enjoying the feel of his wrapped around me. The heavy weight I had been carrying fell from my shoulders. My heart felt lighter than it had before.

Lenny set me back on solid ground, my body still clinging to his. His arms wrapped firmly around my waist. I strained to look up at him. Savoring the carefree smile plastered across his face.

“I just got the email from her with all the paperwork dropping the case. I also got an email from Jeremy Epps of Dark Edge studios. His label wants to sign me.” Just like that, reality came knocking. My heart deflated, leaving an aching hollowness in the cavity of my chest.

Lenny was a famous rapper. He had amazing talent. He was a household name. Of course, another label would want to pick him up. They would have been crazy not to.

I carefully extracted myself from his grip.

“That’s great, Len. I’m so happy for you.” I pasted on a reassuring smile, sneaking one last embrace for good measure.

“Aren’t you happy?” He asked eyeing me.

“Of course I am.” I lied.

Lenny’s hands seized my shoulders holding me out in front of him. His eyes narrowed as he scanned my face.

“I hear what you’re saying babe, but I don’t believe it.” I reared back offended, stumbling out of his reach. His words though true, stung, like a slap in the face.

“Why wouldn’t I be happy for you?” I intoned, glaring up at him for good measure.

“I believe you're happy for me but I don’t think you're happy. Not about this.” He had me, but I wouldn’t admit it.

His hands fisted his hair at the sides as if he didn’t know what to do with them. The motion caused his shirt to rise in the front offering a tiny peek at the taut toned inked skin.

I backed away slowly, the space between us felt cavernous, yet needed.

“Len, I want nothing but the best for you. Whatever makes you happy makes me happy. It’s as easy as that.” Only it wasn’t, not really. In reality, my heart was shattering into a million pieces. Somehow the lie spilled from my lips with practiced ease.

I loved Lenny more than anything in the world but I couldn’t do it again. I couldn’t go through life not knowing when or if I would ever get him back. I couldn’t put our daughter through it either. I wouldn’t let her little heart be shattered when she found out her daddy was leaving again.

Lenny’s hands dropped to his sides. “Mak, I’m not going anywhere. I’m not leaving you behind. Not this time.” He advanced toward me. His long legs making short work of the distance I put between us.

I backed away, trying but failing to keep space between us. I knew the moment he caught me I would crumble. I would fall apart. My resistant was wavering already.

“I promise, Babe. I swear on everything Holy. I’m not leaving you. We can do this together.” His words fell on deaf ears. Memories of the heartbreak I felt when he left before filtered through my mind. The soul-crushing heartache consumed me.

In my moment of weakness, I stilled my retreat, I forgot to move. He caught me, wrapping his arms around me in a firm embrace. I fell apart.

“I can’t do it, Len. I can’t go through it all over again. I’m not strong enough.”  I wailed sobbing into his chest, my fist balling into his shirt.

“Babe, you’re the strongest woman I know. You won't be doing it alone. I already told them we were a package deal. I’m not leaving you again.” His words were firm baring no argument.

I wanted to believe him. My heart begged for his words to be true. Fear wouldn’t allow me to give. It held firm. Pinning me in place, unable to move forward.

Unable to believe in Him.

In us.

In anything.

“I think you should go.” My voice came out as a whisper yet it echoed throughout the room, bouncing off the walls.

The world stood still.

Lenny stood frozen.

His arms dropped from around me leaving me chilled to the marrow.

My heart dropped in my stomach, bile rising in the back of my throat. I was visibly ill with the thought of losing him yet I couldn’t bring myself to retrieve the words.

“Did you just say you wanted me to go? As in leave? Right now?” The words fell from his lips in disbelief as he stepped away from me. His body heat retreating, turning the room into an icy tundra.

I knew he heard me. He knew exactly what I meant. Yet the words would not compute for him. His brain was unable to decode the human language.

“Yes.” My voice was low but firm.

If I didn't take a stand now I would never be able to, it would be graduation all over again.

I couldn’t do it.

It was me or him.

This time I chose me. I knew that I wouldn’t make it if he stayed. I knew that I would fall apart.

I would give in.

“No.” The finality in his voice jarred me. Jerking my head up, my eyes met his.

“What-?” Like Lenny, my brain refused to register.

“I said no, Makayla.” The thick corded muscles in his neck pulsed. His jaw twitched as we stared one another down, neither of us willing to budge.

“But I said yes.” My voice wavered, holding disbelief.

“I heard what you said and this time I’m not listening. So, No.” His arms folded across his chest as he stared down at me smugly. His face was a mask of determination showing no signs of waiver. 

“It’s not your choice.” Even I didn’t believe my own words coming out of my mouth.

“That’s where you’re wrong. It is. I let you make the decisions before. I’m not letting you this time.” His sharp words hurt, like a pick to the heart.

“I-” He didn’t give me the chance to finish.

“You’ve had your chance to speak. Now it’s my turn. If you don’t want me to take the deal, that’s fine. I won’t bat an eye. If you tell me you never want me to sing again. It won’t bother me a bit. But if you ever try to leave me again, just because you are scared, without talking to me first, I will walk out that door and never come back.

I only took the deal with Howard because you begged me to. I didn’t want it. I wanted no part of it. But you insisted I take it. So I did.

I fought tooth and nail to get out of the contract. I went to fucking war with the label to make a name for myself all the while keeping out of Angela’s clutches.

I never once cheated on you. Not in my heart or my body. I never put restrictions on you, told you how to raise our daughter, or asked anything of you other than to love me, support me, and wait for me.

I have supported you in every way possible.

Now I am going to make this perfectly clear.

I love you.

I love you with every ounce of my being.

I love you more than life itself.

I know you’re tired of fighting. I know you're tired of sharing me. I know you are afraid I will fall into another bad deal.

I get it.

What I don’t get is why you are so quick to bail. Why you are so eager to just turn and run, just when we are finally able to make a go of everything.

All I’m asking is that you trust me for once. 

Trust what I am telling you.

I have never lied to you.

Not ever.

If you want me to walk away from music for good. That’s fine. I will. But don’t let that be the reason you leave me. Don’t let fear rule your life.

The record label knows I’m with you. They know I have a daughter. They know I’m a family man. They are good with that. They accept it, embrace it even. You will never be hidden away again.

If you want to leave me because you just don’t want to be with me, that’s fine. It will hurt like a bitch but I’m a big boy, I’ll get over it. But don’t let it be because you’re afraid.

Now, the ball’s in your court.

You make the decision.

This is your one chance to make the call.

I’m going to pick up our daughter and take her to dinner. That should give you enough time to think.” His voice was firm, holding the bitter edge of anger.

I stood stock still, afraid to breathe.

The sound of the front door slamming closed jarred me back to life.

What had I done?