Chapter Eighteen

 

Makayla

 

 

Some days I wonder how Lisa and I became best friends. Today was one of those days.

“You may be the biggest idiot I know,” Lisa growled as she paced the length of the living room.

“Really, we've resulted to name calling? What are we, in 3rd grade?” I intoned, glaring in her direction. I had called her over to vent, not to be chastised like a child. I knew I had made a foolish mistake. I didn't need her rubbing my nose in it like a dog that’s soiled the carpet.

Lisa spun on her heels to face me, her long red nails coiled around her fist as she fought to control her emotions. “If your actions hold any bearing, then yes, 3rd grade sounds about right.”

“Well, its right on par with your IQ.” I retorted shamelessly.

Lisa scoffed.

“Idiot” I muttered unsure if it was meant more me or her. Right now it suited us both.

Lisa's eyes narrowed, her fist flanking her hips. “I'm so sorry Makayla. I held back the big guns in fear of you might kick me to the curb as well.” Her bitter words hurt, striking right to the core. Her sarcasm was running at an all-time high today, but the bitter truth in her words was a razor sharp blade perfectly hitting its mark. 

“Harsh” I intoned. With my arms crossed over my chest I shot her with a death glare. I didn’t care if my hurt showed or not. I was angry. Angered by the truth of her words.

Lisa shrugged as though she didn't care. “Honest.”

“I told you I regret it.” I had resulted to stomping my feet like the child she accused me of being. Tears burned the back if my eyes. I couldn't remember a time in which I had cried so much. My body felt like it had been dragged through the wringer.

“Well good for you. But what's telling me going to change? It's not me you need to convince. It's Len. He's been through hell the last four years and as soon as he comes home and tries to get his life together you toss him out like day old pork. What kind of fucked up shit are you on Mak?” With each word Lisa stomped closer to me, her eyes cast in a deadly slant, her long red acrylic nail pointed out in my direction as if to punctuate her intent. I would have been terrified if I didn't know her any better. She wouldn't hurt me - physically. But she didn't need to. Her words cut straight to the marrow.

I groaned in defeat, my head lulling back on my shoulders. My hands dropped to my sides, having given up their fight to hold me together.

“I'm trying to protect myself here. Why don't you understand that?” My voice wavered making me feel that much more vulnerable.

Lisa stopped in front of me, her hip popped out expectantly. Her arms crossed over her chest as she glared down at me. She had the mad mom look and stance down to a science. “What exactly are you protecting yourself from? You said he told you he wasn't leaving. That he promised he wouldn’t. How could you hold so much faith in him that he would come back and the moment his words prove true, you turn tail and run when he makes you another promise?”

“I don't know, Lisa. If I knew I would tell you. I can't rationalize it. I don't know why I suddenly have doubts.” I stomped my foot in defiance, pouting like a child.

It was the only emotion I had left. The only movement my body was willing to make. Stubbornness shrouded me, bringing out the worst in me.

Here we were; two grown women acting like stubborn, bull-headed children.

“There’s more to this. More than you're not saying. If you won't tell him and you won't tell me then maybe you should find someone you trust to tell it to. Someone to help makes sense of the crazy spewing from your lips.” The resignation in her voice had my heart beating rapidly in panic. She was giving up on me.

I swallowed around the lump that formed in my throat, forcing out the words that shamelessly filled my heart.

“I can't compete.”

Lisa's head cocked, her eyes scrutinizing me, searching for the purposes behind my statement. “Compete with what?”

I rolled my eyes like a pubescent teen. “Have you seen him? I mean really looked at him? He's gorgeous. Everything about him screams sex. Even his feet are sexy.” My voice came out whiny and I didn't care. It had taken a lot to admit those words out loud.

“Mak, I've seen him. Hell, I told you back in high school, I would have asked him out if I thought there was a chance. But there wasn't. There still isn't. That man only has eyes for you. You are the only woman he sees. You need to get over your insecurities and face the facts. That man isn't going anywhere.”  I heard what she was saying. I really did. I knew it was true. But seeing and believing were two different things. Plus there was more. So much more.

“But I can't compete with the Hollywood actresses he's used to seeing.”

“Did he ask you to? Did he ever once say anything that would make you think he sees you any different?” Lisa’s brow rose daring me to deny what we both knew was true.

“No” the words came out in a groan of defeat.

Lisa's hands flew out to the side, exasperation heavy in her voice. “So what's the problem? What do those girls in LA have that you don't?”

I motioned toward my body with hands as limp as overcooked noodles. “Mom bod. Mom boobs.” It would have been funny if it wasn't true. The girls were looking pretty sad these days.

It didn't bother me at first. I was proud of my body. My body gave life to another human being. But when I was looking in the mirror I began to wonder what Lenny saw. My mind stumbled down a deep dark hole when I realized I didn't have the same body I had before. It had changed. I had changed. But Lenny, he was still the same - better.

Lisa's voice broke through my self-inflection “There are a crap ton of moms in La. I bet nearly half of the women you're comparing yourself to are moms and they look rocking just like you. The other half is plastic, and that shit gives cancer. Don't nobody wanna go near that. There's more to this. More you're not saying. You’re the most secure woman I know. I get a little self-doubt. But if you can’t be honest with me, at least be honest with yourself.” Lisa reached out to me, her hand locking around my own as she shared her strength, giving me comfort to go on.

“Lisa, I just feel less. The mom body piled onto the fact that both you and Lenny are living your dreams and I'm just here. What do I have to offer? How can I keep his Love? His attention?” The words tumbled out; there was no fighting them once they broke free.

“Yes, me and Lenny have managed to land the careers of our choice, but you are, too. You're just taking a little longer than us. It doesn't change anything. It doesn't change your value.

Your life took a detour, a surprising but amazing one. You don't have the same thing to offer Lenny you always had, you have more. Your heart, support, your love, and a beautiful little girl. You just added Avery to the mix to sweeten the pot.

That man will never grow tired of you. Between you and Avery he will be too exhausted to run away.” Lisa teased lightening the truth bomb she dropped at my feet.

Retracting from her grip I walked to the entryway table. Lisa followed closely behind as though afraid to let me out of her sight, neither of us saying a word.

Opening the narrow drawer of the entry table, I pulled out a stack of small white envelopes. Pressing them to my heart I willed my nerves to fade away. It was now or never.

I could turn away now, pretend this never happened and continue the path I was on breaking both mine and my daughter's heart. Or I could face reality; put everything out on the table. Accepting the help and guidance of the people that loved the most. I felt weak, both emotionally and physically. I needed to make a decision - the right one.

Spinning on my heels I thrust the stack of letters out to Lisa. “What about this?” I asked, dropping all my fears at her feet.

Lisa flipped through letters, pulling out letter after letter. Her eyes scanned the pages, with lightning speed as she ripped through them with a fierce hunger. The look of horror grew on her face with each letter read. 

“Where did you get these? How long have you had them? Why didn’t you tell me?” I cringed at her venomous words.

The look on her face was one I had never seen before, one I immediately regretted. It was a deadly combination of incandescent anger and disappointment. Anger at the contents of the letter but disappointed in me. She was disappointed I had held on to this secret for so long. The very secret that had shaken my world to the core.

“I started getting them the night before Lenny was served. I don’t know who left them. I would find them in random places. On my windshield at the grocery store. In Avery’s bag after picking her up from daycare. I even found one in the seat of my car after girl’s night. They’re everywhere.” I picked at the imaginary lint on the hem of my shirt afraid to look up. Afraid of what I would see on her face. I was terrified of her reaction.

The silence between us was momentous, filling the room with tension. I had no idea what Lisa was thinking. What was going on in her head? 

The letters in her hand were from Angela. They threatened everything from having Avery taken away sighting child abuse and neglect and child endangerment for having Lenny in the home. Down to letters saying Lenny was a drug abuser with a long history of overdose and physical violence.  The last letter I received was a letter from Angela stating she was willing to testify in a court of law in order to have Avery placed in protective care if I didn’t leave Lenny.

“Why didn't you tell someone? Me? Lenny? Anyone?” I could hear the devastation in her voice thinned by the anger I knew radiated through her veins.

I took a long steady breath, forcing my eyes to look up and meet hers. “I didn't know what to do. At first, I just hoped it would go away but they started coming more frequent and were getting more threatening. I panicked. Instead of talking to you or Lenny about it, I used the first excuse I could come up with to throw him out.” My excuse sounded weak in my own ears. Once vocalized I could hear the stupidity of them. It was a big slap in the face. The slap I needed to get my shit together.

“I’ll fix this. You don't have to worry about Avery. But you have to tell Lenny. You have to tell him everything.” Lisa’s voice was deathly low. The threat visible. There would be no second chances. This was a breaking point in our long-time friendship.  If I failed to adhere to my end it could mean the end of our friendship.

“I will,” I promised, meaning every word.

“I mean it, Mak. You have to tell him when you see him. Not a moment later.” There was no second chance. This was it.

“I promise, Lis.” Holding her gaze I promised with all my heart that I would tell Lenny.

“He has a right to know.”

“I know.” God did I know. My selfishness had already fractured two of the most important relationships in my life. I wouldn't let it destroy them.

“I have to go. I'm going to start on this.” Lisa waved the letters in the air. “You need to shower and fix your hair. It looks like a nest of rats lives in there “Without so much as a goodbye, Lisa grabbed her things and left.

Exhausted both emotionally and physically I sank into the couch, willing it to swallow me whole. I needed to call Lenny. I needed to fix what I had broken.

Fear coated my throat as I dialed his number.

“Makayla?” The unmasked hope in his voice shot through my heart like an arrow, piercing the fractured pieces.

My mouth worked tirelessly but the words were muted. What did I say? How do I start?

“Mak, are you okay?” The worry in his voice prompted me forward.

“Yeah. Um. I was just wondering if you were coming home tonight.” I hedged nervously fingering the hem of my shirt fighting to keep my voice steady.

Lenny released a long sigh into the phone. It sounded as if all the tension he had been carrying had been released. Like the sound of an over-inflated tire finally being relieved.

After a beat of silence, he spoke. “Yeah. I may be late. I know I promised Avery I would tuck her in.” His voice sounded hesitant.

“I’m sure she’ll understand.” I tried to reassure him.

I knew Avery would understand. She knew her daddy had to work, but I also knew Lenny didn’t want her to have to. He had been adamant about the fact that our daughter came first. That we came first. 

“See that’s the thing, Mak. She shouldn't have to understand.” He blew out a long stream of breath as though mentally preparing himself.

“I kind of did something I should have asked you about first.” The nervousness in his voice was endearing. To say my interest wasn’t piqued would be an understatement.

“What did you do, Len?” I didn’t try to conceal the teasing smile in my voice. There was no point in it.

Lenny chuckled lightly into the receiver. “I kind of picked her up already and took her to get a Happy Meal.”  I could almost see him cringing with the admission of feeding our daughter processed foods.

“I gots chicky nuggets, Mommy.” I heard Avery yell in the background.

Laughter bubbled out of my chest. “What time will you two be home?”

There was another beat of silence before he answered.

“I’m not sure. I have a meeting here in town. I’m taking Avery with me. It shouldn’t take long but I didn’t want to break my word.” The nervousness in his voice was palpable.

“Sounds great. Just let me know when you’re on your way and I’ll whip you up something to eat. We can have a late dinner together. That is, if you haven't already eaten. Then you can tell me all about your meetings today.”

“Mak, are you okay?” My teeth sank into my lip as I bit back a smile. He was nervous. Fear and hesitancy danced throughout his words.

“Of course. Just shoot me a text or give me a call when you're close.” Internally I was doing a happy dance.

“Okay. It shouldn’t take too long. I’ll ring you, if that’s okay?”

“Of course. Talk to you soon, Babe. Love you.” I knew my words threw him. I was surely giving him emotional whiplash. But it was true. I did love him. More than anything.

“Love you too, Babe.”  The smile in his voice warmed my heart.

With my fingers crossed we were back on the road to recovery.

With a home cooked meal and some light conversation, Lenny should be relaxed enough for me to lay out all my cards on the table.

To say I wasn't nervous would be a lie. I knew Lenny wouldn’t take the news lightly. But we were making strides to healing the fracture in our relationship. I was making strides. Lenny, well, he just needed to show up. He didn’t create this mess. I did. Now it was time for me to clean it up.