HOMECOMING
My eyes blinked open. Did last night really happen?
The clock showed 10AM, which meant that Landon and I only had a couple of hours left before he had to take me to LAX.
The fact that I was leaving today seemed surreal, and the entire conversation from last night was like a bad dream.
My throat was parched as I reluctantly pulled myself into an upright position. Landon was smoking on the balcony just outside the bedroom.
Wearing one of his long T-shirts, I slid the door open. “Good morning.”
He blew out the last of his smoke and put out the cigarette. “Hey…” His eyes looked bloodshot.
I cleared my throat. “You didn’t get much sleep.”
His voice was hoarse. “I didn’t sleep at all.”
“I was up for a while, but then I slept a little.”
“I know. I peeked in on you right when you had fallen asleep.” He smiled reluctantly. “I might’ve watched you for a little while.”
Looking out toward the water, I said, “I still haven’t processed what you told me last night, but I want you to know that I think it took an incredible amount of courage to admit that to me. You could’ve made up a story, told me that woman in the restaurant was the mother of one of your ex-girlfriends, something bogus like that. But you didn’t. You were honest with me, and I’m very grateful for that.”
“Admitting that to you was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I wish I knew what you were really thinking.”
“Even I don’t know what I’m really thinking. It hasn’t sunken in. So, it’s hard to know how I feel about it. It’s upsetting, yeah. But I guess I’m trying to convince myself that what happened in the past is not happening now. I have to learn to move past it. At least, I want to be able to do that.”
He examined my eyes. “But you’re not sure if you can.”
“I didn’t say that, Landon.”
“Just promise me one thing.”
“What?”
“Promise me you won’t be with me if you decide you’re ashamed of me. I can’t live with that. I don’t want to pretend with you. I love how real you are, Rana. And if you can’t accept my past, I need you to be up front with me about it.”
I nodded. “I’m just still in shock.”
“I understand. It would be unfair of me to expect anything else right now.”
I didn’t know what else to say, but I knew nothing was going to get figured out today. My plane would be taking off soon, and that overwhelmed me with sadness. Every bone in my body felt it.
He could see that I was chilly, because I was rubbing my arms. Landon opened the zipper to his hoodie and enveloped me in it, wrapping the material around my back and pulling me into his chest. I could feel his heart beating against mine. Even under the scariest of circumstances, he still managed to make me feel safe in his arms.
I felt like a hypocrite for having any doubts about him. He’d been nothing but honest and up front about his past, which was more than I could say for myself. As ugly as it was, he’d unleashed his demons. Mine were still locked up inside of me. My choosing not to reciprocate his honesty right now was nothing short of pure cowardice. But shifting the focus to me would’ve been too much to handle while we were still dealing with this.
I couldn’t guarantee how I was going to feel once I returned to Michigan. I just knew what I wanted right now, and that was for him to keep holding me. I wanted to ingrain this moment into memory.
Landon ended up being the first to break our embrace.
He was about to light up another cigarette when I said, “I really wish you’d stop.”
He put the lighter down. The cigarette moved between his lips as he asked, “You really want me to stop smoking?”
“Yes. It’s so bad for you. I really think you should stop.”
He paused and took the cigarette from his mouth. He suddenly crushed it between his fingers before letting it fall to the ground. Then, he took the pack out of his pocket and tossed it over the balcony. “Done.”
“That’s it?”
“Yes. That’s it.”
“Can you do that…just stop cold turkey?”
“I’ve slept on the couch and kept my dick in my pants the entire time you’ve been here. And I just admitted my most painful secret to the person who matters most to me in this world. Pretty sure I can handle just about anything now.” He cracked a slight smile. “You asked me to do something for you. And it’s something I’ve wanted to do for myself anyway. But now that I know it really bothers you, that’s an even bigger incentive. There’s probably nothing I wouldn’t do for you at this point.”
I knew he meant that.
“Wow. Okay. Thanks.”
“Thank you.”
The mood continued to remain somber. Landon led me to the kitchen where he prepared us a breakfast of bagels and coffee that we took down to the beach. In that sense, my last morning here was a lot like my first, aside from the dark cloud hanging over us this time.
The ride to LAX was quiet. Perhaps, we were mourning a certain innocence to our relationship that we would never get back.
Once at our destination, the sounds of the airport were all jumbled. Anxiety was starting to take its hold on me. Not only did I hate flying, but leaving Landon right now was definitely up there as one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.
He walked me as far as he could before he was no longer allowed access.
I gently scratched at the scruff on his chin. “This trip was amazing.”
He took both of my hands in his and firmly gripped them. “Amazing isn’t strong enough of a word to describe the past week for me. I don’t think I’ll ever be the same again. No matter what happens, I will always be forever grateful that you hopped on that plane to see me. In the meantime, I’ll pray that I get to see you again soon.”
“Have I mentioned flying makes me nervous? This is only my second time ever.”
“Then that makes it even more special that you came.” He let go of my hands and nudged on my bag. “You got your Rubik’s Cube?”
Despite feeling like my world was ending, I forced a smile. “Yes.”
A muffled boarding call reminded me that time was running out. “I have to go.”
“Okay.” Placing his hands on my cheeks, he planted a hard kiss on me as if he would never have the chance to do it again. “Take care of yourself, baby,” he said over my lips.
“You, too.”
He slid his hands from my cheeks down my arms and hugged me again before slowly letting go.
I was about to leave when he stopped me. “Wait.”
“Yeah?”
“Tell me something funny, Rana. I really fucking need it right now.”
This felt like a lot of pressure given my miserable state. Then I remembered something that happened to me that morning.
“I’ve been so preoccupied since last night, I brushed my teeth with your shaving cream this morning. I’ve never seen it in a tube like that before. So, if I tasted like I went down on the Old Spice guy, that’s why.”
He bent his head back in laughter then kissed me on the forehead. “Never fails. Thank you.”
“I guess I should be happy it wasn’t Preparation H.”
Landon’s smile faded before he kissed me one last time.
As I walked away, listening to the loud echo of my heels, I turned around to find that he hadn’t moved. He was still standing in the same spot with his hands in his pockets. Don’t ask me how, but I just knew he wasn’t going to leave until I was completely out of sight. That was the type of person he was. I wondered what he was thinking in that moment, whether he doubted if he’d ever see me again.
With each step I took away from Landon, I felt emptier and out of sorts—truly like I was leaving a piece of myself behind.
Landon had stuck a wad of cash without my knowing into my coat pocket—five hundred-dollar bills. I’d only realized it as I was exiting the plane after we landed in Detroit.
Once outside, the brutal cold air was certainly a rude awakening. The Uber I’d called was taking a long time to arrive. As I waited, it really hit me how depressing it was here compared to California.
But it wasn’t even the weather. It felt like I had a hole in my heart. I missed him already. So much. Even more than when I’d left him standing there at the airport. The reality of the distance now between us made the ache so much worse.
Every time my mind would wander to his past, to disturbing images of him screwing different women for money, I would quickly shift my attention away from that. At the moment, those thoughts were background noise. I couldn’t yet deal with them. The more pressing issue was that being home no longer felt that way at all.
Desperately needing to hear his voice, I picked up my phone and dialed his number.
Landon picked up after three rings. “Rana?”
“Yes, it’s me.”
He sounded sleepy. “You made it home okay?”
“I’m here. Whether I’m okay is debatable.”
“I’ve been numb all day. I’m in my room right now staring at your outfit hanging in my closet while smelling you on my sheets, wondering if it was all a dream and if not, wondering how the hell I ever let you get on that plane.”
“I just needed to hear your voice. You sound like you were napping. Did I wake you?”
“I’d dozed off because I got no sleep last night. Fuck, I’m so glad you called.”
“You were very sneaky with that money, by the way.”
“Yeah, well, you went and had your dad pay for the ticket, which wasn’t right, because I told you I wanted to cover it. So, I wanted to get you back.”
“You didn’t have to do that.”
“I wanted to. You need the money.”
“It seems so weird that you’re far away again.”
“I may not be physically with you right now, but I am always here for you. Anytime you need me, Rana, you know I’ll drop everything, right? If you ever need to talk to me or just hear my voice, I don’t care what time of day it is, you call me.”
I hadn’t shed one tear since Landon’s revelation last night, but I was starting to cry now. I couldn’t put my finger on exactly why I’d chosen this moment to break down. There was only one thing I knew for sure. “I miss you already.”
“Are you crying?”
A tear fell down my cheek. “I’m sorry.”
“Are you kidding? It means a lot to me that you are. Yesterday I wasn’t sure if you’d even continue speaking to me, let alone cry and say you miss me. Your tears right now are music to my ears.”
“I had a lot of time to think on the flight, but to be honest, every time my mind wanders to what you told me about your past, I instinctively block it out. It’s like a protective mechanism.”
“I can understand that. It’s sort of what I do whenever I think about it now. It’s how I deal with it, too.”
“Is it okay that I just don’t want to think about it at all right now?”
“Of course, that’s okay. You take all the time you need. Just don’t stop talking to me. I need to hear your voice every day.”
My Uber driver pulled up to the sidewalk in front of me.
“My ride is here.”
“Will you call me before you go to sleep tonight?”
“Yes,” I promised.
After we hung up, during the drive home, I focused on nothing but the noises around me in an attempt to clear my mind. Dark Side by Kelly Clarkson came on the radio. How ironic. Closing my eyes, I tried my best to relax for the rest of the ride.
Little did I know I was about to be greeted with a rude awakening when I got to my apartment.
Once inside, the place seemed eerily quiet. Usually, I could hear some kind of noise coming from my roommate’s bedroom. Instead, Lenny’s door was open, revealing an almost entirely empty space.
Oh, my God.
He was gone. Not a single item was left behind.
I was feeling a mixture of relief and paranoia.
Reaching for my phone, I immediately dialed Landon.
He picked up. “I didn’t expect to hear back from you so soon.”
“Lenny’s gone.”
“What? Like disappeared?”
“Like moved out, yeah. He took all of his things.”
“Well, shit. That’s a good thing, right?”
“I think so, yeah. I mean, a part of me is a little paranoid.”
“Of what?”
“That he might come back.” I laughed at myself, realizing how ridiculous that sounded.
“You’d rather live with him every day than live with the fear of him coming back?”
“No. But at least with him here, I could keep an eye on him. Now, Lenny will be like an invisible danger lurking in the night.”
“That’s insane. I’m glad the fucker left. That’s the best homecoming you could’ve asked for. You don’t need that shit in your life.”
“Well, I needed his rent.”
“No, you don’t. I’ll pay his half of the rent indefinitely until you can find someone, preferably a female.”
“I can’t let you do that.”
“Doesn’t matter whether you let me. I’m doing it anyway.”
I walked into my room and gasped loudly upon the sight of my open closet.
“What happened?”
“My clothes…most of them are gone!”
“That sick fuck took your clothes?”
My hands were shaking. “This is so freaky.”
“Call the police, Rana. Now.”
“I won’t do that. I’m too scared of retaliation.”
“Okay, if you won’t, then at the very least, you need to change your locks.”
“I’ll work on that first thing in the morning. Nothing’s open now.”
“We used to think it was funny, but this shit is no joke. That dude is sick.”
“What do you think he’s doing with my clothes?”
“Who the fuck knows. Some voodoo shit? It doesn’t matter. I’m just glad he’s gone.”
“I think I’m going to start looking for a new place tomorrow. It freaks me out that he knows my schedule.”
“I’m going to insist on it, Rana. Seriously.”
“I was hoping to come home and relax, maybe draw a nice, hot bath. Instead, I feel like I walked into an episode of Unsolved Mysteries.”
Landon chuckled. “Minus Robert Stacks’ creepy voice.”
“Yeah.” I sighed. “I swear…my life is so bizarre.”
Since Lenny had taken my work clothes as well, the following day was spent scrambling to find two new belly dancer outfits, seeing as though I had to return to my dancing gig that night.
I was eternally grateful for the money Landon had snuck into my coat. Otherwise, I would never have been able to afford new uniforms. There was only one woman in town who sold them, and she was expensive because everything was handmade. I didn’t have time to order anything online, so I had to go to her.
After leaving the seamstress’ shop, with an hour to spare before the start of my shift, I decided to pay a quick visit to Lilith and give her the few souvenirs I had brought her back from California.
It wasn’t our normal Big Sister day, so she looked surprised to see me when she joined me out on her porch.
“You came back.”
“Did you think I wouldn’t?”
“I bet Jasper a dollar that you would, but he wanted to make it five. I told him that was too much because I thought I might lose.”
“Thanks for the one-dollar vote of confidence, Lil.”
“Is there something for me in that bag?”
“There are several things in this bag. Two new work outfits for me, and there just might be a few things for you, yes.”
She adjusted her glasses. “Let’s see.”
“Okay, technically, Landon paid for these gifts, because I didn’t have any money with me.”
“I like him.”
“I didn’t know what to get you, so we bought a few different things.” I took out the smaller gift bag that contained all of her presents.
She opened it and sifted through the gifts: A Venice Beach key chain, a California T-shirt, a replica of the Landon’s Lunch Box truck, and a fake Academy Award that said Best Friend.
Lilith inspected each item. “You did good, Toots.”
I laughed whenever she called me “Toots.” What person under the age of eighty used that term? She was getting more and more like a little old lady every day.
While she wasn’t jumping up and down or anything, she really did seem to like the gifts. I let out a relieved breath as she gave me a hug.
“When are you gonna see Landon again?”
“I’m not sure.”
“Will I ever get to meet him?”
“I hope so.”
“Did you bring anything else back?”
A massive case of lady blue balls and a bit of a broken heart.