VIRTUAL DATE
Was it wrong that my only confidante was a ten-year-old girl? At least, she was mature for her age—that’s what I’d tell myself.
Lilith and I were heading to the park near her house. I was walking while she rode her scooter alongside me.
“Guess what, Lilith?”
“What?”
I twirled around. “I have a date tonight.”
Oh, my. Did I just twirl?
“With Landon? He’s coming here?”
“No, he’s still in California, but he’s taking me on a virtual date. I’ll be here, and he’ll be there.”
Lilith scrunched her nose. “I don’t get it.”
“Neither, do I. But I’m dying to find out how it’s going to work.”
“What are you gonna wear?”
“You know, I haven’t thought about it. But maybe I should dress up, huh? Really get into it?”
She stopped suddenly. “I thought you said you don’t go on dates.”
“I don’t, but this is different because I won’t actually be with him.”
She resumed moving. “What’s the point?”
“I guess the point is that I can experience all of the good parts of a date without having to worry about the scary stuff. It’s perfect for me, really.”
Lilith looked back at me briefly as she scooted along ahead of me. “You’re weird, Rana.”
I jogged faster to keep up with her. “Is that supposed to be news, Lilith? Anyway, enough about me. What’s going on with you? Everything cool?”
“I have to write a paper on someone I admire. I couldn’t think of anyone, so I’m just going to write it about you,” she said nonchalantly.
I was momentarily touched until it hit me that was probably a very bad idea. “Are you sure? There are really many more viable options—like your mom. She’s a lawyer. You should write about her. Or what about like Maya Angelou? What are you gonna say about me?”
She began to scoot away with more momentum and yelled, “You’ll find out.”
Oh, boy.
When I arrived home from my time with Lilith, a large box delivered by UPS was sitting outside of my door. Knowing it was from Landon, butterflies started to swarm in my stomach.
A few days earlier, he had asked for my address to send me something. I was really hesitant to give it to him, but he assured me he would never trick me or use it to come visit me without my knowledge. His argument was convincing.
“You’re living with a probable psychopath, Rana. Are you really afraid of ME showing up at your door?”
Truth.
I chose to trust him.
I lifted it up and carried it into the apartment. It was actually pretty heavy.
Lenny was sitting in the kitchen, wearing massive headphones and listening to something on his laptop. He completely ignored me as I walked past him and into my room.
My heart was palpitating as I opened the box, only to find multiple wrapped packages inside. Each was numbered. The words “Open Me First” were written on a folded note reminiscent of the ones he used to make me. That warmed my heart as I opened it.
Rana,
Don’t open anything until I tell you. This is our virtual date in a box. I’ll “pick you up” at eight your time.
Landon
P.S. Wear something sexy, or at least tell me you are. I won’t know the fucking difference.
My cheeks actually hurt from smiling. The fact that he had put so much effort into this was really touching.
Resisting the temptation to open anything in the box, I jumped in the shower and realized that I hadn’t been this excited about anything in a really long time.
At the same time, I pondered whether I would have felt the same if this were a real date. I knew I wouldn’t have. That would’ve scared me.
Slipping into some comfortable undies and a long T-shirt, I waited anxiously for Landon’s call.
At 8PM exactly, the phone rang, and the butterflies in my tummy began to flutter in full force.
I jumped to answer it. “Hello?”
His raspy voice sounded so sexy. “Hey.”
“You’re right on time.”
“Did you expect me to be late? It’s our first official date. That would be in poor taste.”
“It’s been a while for me. I don’t know what to expect, especially with this scenario.”
“A while since you’ve been on a date?”
I hesitated. “Yes.”
Technically, I’d never been on a real date.
“How long?”
Keep it vague. “It feels like ages.”
“Okay, well, I’m going to ask you to use your imagination a bit tonight, okay? You’re going to have to work with me.”
I got goosebumps. “Alright.”
“What’s the weather like by you right now?”
Leaning my head to look out the window, I said, “It’s dark out and cold.”
“Okay, well, if we were here together, you’d see that the sun is still shining. So, our date is going to take place here. We have about an hour and a half left of daylight. You have your box nearby?”
“Yes, it’s right here by my bed.”
“Good. Okay, open it. Take out the first item labeled number one and unwrap it.”
My heart was racing as I carefully took it out of the box and opened the packaging, which revealed a sunshine lamp. “Oh, my goodness, you’re giving me sunshine?”
“It’s supposed to simulate daylight, yes. Do you have a place to plug it in?”
“I do.” I took it out of the box before connecting the plug to the socket behind my night table. As the lamp lit up my room, I smiled. “It’s nice and bright in here now.”
“Okay, now you have your sunshine. No more excuses for a bad day.”
“This is awesome. Thank you.”
“Now, if you were here, the first thing I would want to do is show off a little by taking you to my business. So, go ahead and open number two.”
Feeling giddy, I removed the wrapping from around item number two. My mouth curved into a smile upon the sight of an adorable replica lunch truck with a decal on the side featuring the Landon’s Lunch Box logo.
“Your truck!”
“I thought you might like that.”
“You have these made?”
“Yes. They’re limited edition.”
“You know I’m obsessed with this lunch truck, right?”
“Yup. And so, that’s why it’s the first stop on our date. Now, take a walk with me into the truck.”
Biting my bottom lip, I closed my eyes and imagined what he told me to. “Okay.”
“Watch your step. You can probably smell all of the leftover aromas from the day, which all rolled together smell basically like fried onions. Are you hungry, Rana?”
“I’m starving.”
“Well, let’s feed you, then. I’ve made you a special sandwich. Open up number three.”
“Are you kidding? You sent food?”
“Don’t worry, it’s packed with frozen gel packs and made with a ciabatta bread that doesn’t get soggy. So, it should be fresh.”
“Gah!” I rushed to open the third item.
Removing the packaging around the sandwich, I could smell fresh basil. I took it out of the foil and sank my teeth in. “Mmm. What is this?”
“It’s a special recipe just for you. I named this one Tomato-Tomahto Saloomi-Salami.”
I burst out in laughter. “Perfect.” Taking another bite, I said, “What did you put in it? It’s delicious.”
“It’s tomato, salami, fresh basil, mozzarella on ciabatta with salt, pepper, and a drizzle of chili pepper-infused olive oil.”
My mouth was full as I spoke. “Holy crap. This is so good, Landon.”
“You must be thirsty.”
I laughed. “If I say yes, will I be opening up another item?”
“Maybe.”
“Well, I am.”
“Go ahead, then.”
I immediately recognized the shape of number four before I even opened it. “You sent me a mini bottle of wine.”
“I didn’t trust you not to finish a big bottle yourself,” he joked. “You would’ve been swearing at me again by the end of this.”
“You might be right.” I twisted the top off and took a sip of the pinot grigio. “Delicious.”
He seemed to be chewing.
“Are you eating, too?” I asked.
“Of course. What kind of a date would it be if I weren’t? I’m eating the same exact sandwich as you. Drinking the same wine, too. Because if we were together, we’d be sharing a large bottle.”
I loved that he was taking this so seriously.
Continuing to play along, I asked, “Where would we be eating these sandwiches?”
“Right now, we’re in Venice parked off of Abbott Kinney Boulevard sitting on a bench outside of the truck. Sorry, I missed that step. Should’ve pointed that out.”
“You’re doing great. This is so nice. Thank you.”
Santeria by Sublime started to play as he said, “I just hooked my iPod up to the speaker so we can listen to some music while we eat.”
That song was perfect for the vibe I was imagining in my head.
It was amazing how much it felt like I was actually there with him. I guess a good imagination can transport you anywhere you want to be.
We ate in silence for a while, listening to his music, some of which was obscure. He played songs like Satellite and One Man Wrecking Machine by a band called Guster. When Otherside by the Red Hot Chili Peppers came on, two thoughts came to mind. One, I loved his taste in music. Two, many of his song choices had to do with addiction, and I wondered if that had something to do with his birth mother. I wanted to ask him but was afraid to ruin the moment, so opted not to.
At one point, a country song came on.
“What’s this?” I asked. “You don’t strike me as a country kind of guy.”
“Normally, I’m not, but I heard this the other day, and it reminded me of you.”
“Why is that?”
“You’ll see.”
I listened to the words for a while and figured it out. “Oh, very funny.”
“It’s called This Ain’t No Drunk Dial by A Thousand Horses.”
“Nice.” I giggled.
At least an hour passed while we chatted and listened to his tunes.
“The sun is starting to set. I don’t want to waste it here. Let’s go to the beach by my place,” he said.
My smile grew bigger. “Okay.”
“Open up number five.”
I eagerly removed the wrapping of the fifth present, which turned out to be a machine that played ocean sounds.
“This is perfect.”
“Unplug your sunlamp and replace it with that. It’s getting dark now anyway.”
Happily following his orders, I smiled. “Okay.”
We sat in silence, listening to the sounds of my new ocean machine.
“Where are you right now in actuality?” I asked.
“I’ve been at the beach by my place the entire time,” he admitted. I could hear his lighter, then the sound of his blowing out smoke before he said, “Give me something, Rana. Anything. Tell me what you’re wearing.”
I told the truth. “I’m wearing a T-shirt that says Jesus Loves This Hot Mess, and I’m…not wearing any pants.”
“You’re just in your underwear?”
“Yes.”
His breath hitched. “What about your hair?”
“It’s damp from the shower. I took one right before you called.”
“It’s down to your ass, right?”
“Yes. It’s longer than it’s ever been.”
“Beautiful,” he whispered. “What does it smell like?”
Sniffing it, I pondered how to describe the scent. “Coconuts and mint.”
“Mmm,” he groaned. “I’m trying to imagine that. I’d give anything to smell it right now.”
“What are you wearing?” I asked.
“A black hoodie and black cargo shorts.”
“Are you going to rob a store?”
When he didn’t even pretend to find that funny, I could sense something was bothering him. He didn’t say anything for almost a full minute.
“What’s wrong, Landon?”
“Tell me more about the past thirteen years, Rana, the time after you moved away in particular.”
“I thought this was supposed to be a lighthearted date.”
“Well, if we were really sitting by the beach right now, I’d want you to talk to me. I’m trying to make this realistic.”
Baby steps.
Give him something.
“I’m not really proud of who I was as a teenager. I had really poor judgment and no real self-respect. I let people take advantage of me. I can’t even say my actions were my mother’s fault for leaving, because my father was always there for me. I like to blame Shayla, but really, I have to take responsibility for my own decisions. I know I’m being vague, but the bottom line is, I’ve learned from my mistakes.”
“When you say you ‘let people take advantage’ of you…you mean sexually?”
How should I answer that?
“In part, yes. I had low self-esteem. It was my way of acting out. By the time I hit twenty, I started to get my head back on straight, though, but it was a rough five years or so before that.”
“Have you had boyfriends?”
It was hard for me to admit that I’d never had an official boyfriend. What twenty-six-year-old can say that? It was partly by choice, though.
I answered honestly, “No.”
“Have you dated?”
“No.”
“From what I can see…which I know is limited…guys would be fucking knocking down your door. I don’t get it.”
“It’s not that they don’t try. This is just something I’ve chosen for myself. I haven’t wanted to get involved with anyone.”
“Living like a nun is what you’ve chosen? You can’t change the past by punishing yourself in the present. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve done things I’m not proud of, but I can’t stop living because of them.” He hesitated. “You’re not going to tell me everything, are you?”
He was perceptive. He knew I was holding back. I decided to turn it around.
“Are you going to tell me all of your deepest, darkest secrets?”
“Eventually, yes.” He didn’t even hesitate with that answer.
I believed him, and that scared me, because I didn’t want to have to reciprocate. Landon’s honesty, his need to peel my layers was too much to handle so soon.
“The conversation is getting a little too serious for my liking,” I said. “This wasn’t supposed to be an intense date.”
“Who said that?”
“I just assumed.”
“I know you’re guarded. I guess I just want you to know that I won’t ever judge you. Believe me…that would be like the pot calling the kettle black.”
“I just need to take this really slow.”
“What is this? Define this? Does it involve me ever getting to see you…actually touch you? Because you can’t take it any slower than having thousands of miles separating us.”
“I honestly don’t know what this is or what I can ever truly offer you, Landon.”
“You sent me that photo, and it totally fucked with my head. I was actually pretty okay with things the way they were. But that photograph really reminded me that things don’t have to be this way. And honestly, I think the fact that you sent it to me means that you really want more, too. You’re just scared, and I’m trying to figure out why.”
“I’m sorry I’m such a science project, that you have to try to figure me out. That first drunk phone call should’ve served as a warning. You should just run for the hills. I’m a weirdo.”
He wasn’t laughing at my attempt at self-deprecation. “Don’t say that shit, Rana. You’re not. You’re no more fucked-up than I am. And at least you own up to the craziness you do exhibit, unlike all the fake-ass people I encounter out here on a daily basis.”
About a minute of silence passed as we resumed just listening to the ocean sounds. I heard him flick his lighter again.
Great, I was stressing him out.
I was pretty sure I’d be lighting up right about now, too, if I smoked.
There was one more present left. He hadn’t said anything about opening it. Closing my eyes, I listened to the sound of him inhaling and exhaling. I could practically smell the smoke. My nostrils tingled just from imagining it.
“What’s next in the box, Landon?”
“I’m not sure if you want the next thing.”
“Why? What is it?”
The playful tone from earlier was gone. “Well, it’s getting cold out. If you were really here, I’d want to wrap my arms around you. But I’m not sure if that’s something you would be comfortable with, because I don’t really know what the fuck this is between us. So, if the answer is yes, that you would want me to hold you…then open it. If the answer is no, then I’m going to have to ask you not to.”
I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I would want to be in his arms. I just didn’t want to admit it, because feeling this way about him scared me.
But I needed to know what it was.
“Yes. I would want that.”
“Open it, then.”
Inside package number six was a black, hooded sweatshirt. His sweatshirt. It looked like the one he described himself wearing tonight. The material was really heavy. I brought it to my nose and took a deep breath in. It smelled like cigarettes and cologne. His scent was everything I imagined it to be. I was smelling him.
“Well, I always knew you were the type of man to give me the shirt off your back…”
“Put it on,” he insisted.
“Okay,” I whispered. I started to shake a little as I pulled it over my head.
He waited for a bit then said, “Feel me wrapped around you. Smell me. Close your eyes, and just be with me.”
My eyes began to slowly fill with tears because this was the most real reminder yet of exactly what I was missing. I truly felt like a part of him was really with me, and this gesture was even more intimate than his showing me the photo of himself because it was as if I could feel him for the first time.
Each tear that fell represented the regret pouring out of me, regret for not only my past mistakes but for what living in fear was causing me to miss out on right now in the present.