BATHTUB THERAPY
Landon made me put my hands over my face. “Close your eyes. Keep them closed.”
“What is going on?”
Leading me blindly outside, he reiterated, “Don’t open them yet.”
“This is crazy,” I said, trying not to trip.
When we finally stopped, I heard him say, “Okay, open them.”
I opened my eyes and gasped.
Landon’s new truck was parked outside. He’d taken it to get detailed, so it had been gone for a couple of weeks. He wouldn’t tell me what he was doing to it. Now, I knew why.
My mouth was agape. “It’s…” I couldn’t even gather my thoughts enough to speak.
“Amazing, right?”
I tilted my head to look at her from a different angle. I say her because plastered on the front of the truck was a giant decal of…me along with the name Rana’s Banana. It wasn’t a photo of me, but rather a cartoon caricature. She had my big eyes, long, black hair, and was dressed in a belly dancer outfit. She was buxom and even had a snake around her neck with her hands holding it at both ends. The snake’s tongue was sticking out like it was slithering. And I was sitting on a giant banana.
“I can’t believe you did this.”
“Why not? You’re my muse. From the moment you came into my life, that’s how I’ve felt.”
“That’s very sweet, baby. I just…this is…” I had no words.
His enthusiasm was really cute. “I couldn’t imagine walking by this truck and not stopping. And when people come for lunch, they can meet the real Rana if you happen to be working with me that day. That will be quite a draw.”
I didn’t have the heart to tell him that the idea of being on public display didn’t appeal to me at all. But this was clearly a done deal. He must have paid a fortune to have this designed. And it was sweet that he wanted to dedicate his business to me.
There was only one response. “I love you. Thank you for this gesture.”
The excitement in his eyes was palpable. “Thank you for inspiring me, beautiful.”
It was the grand opening of the truck, and the weather was unusually warm for spring in Michigan.
Landon had parked Rana’s Banana right outside of the campus green. He’d been given a license to operate at that location for a year.
Students flocked to the unusual food truck, curious about its contents based on the sultry caricature of me. I had to admit, Landon’s edgy marketing idea was pretty clever. The bustling crowd of hungry students proved that he’d sparked their curiosity with the sexy image. And it seemed he’d also tapped into something that was missing, because there were no other food trucks in the vicinity.
Perhaps, even more special than the decal of me was his other idea. On the opposite side of the truck, he’d attached a giant dry erase board. At the top was written: Tell Me Something Funny. It was a tribute to the question he’d always ask me when he was feeling down.
The students really got a kick out of it and took turns borrowing the marker.
Within an hour, the board was full of funny sentences. There were a wide variety of jokes, some humorous, some dumb, and some bizarre. Things like:
I sharted in class today.
or
My roommate ended up with breast implants after getting drunk and losing a bet in Thailand. He’s currently raising money to get them removed.
The idea was ingenious because the students would stop to write something then smell the amazing food and decide to order.
Landon had five specialty sandwiches on the menu, and I worked hard to memorize the ingredients of each.
The best part of the first day was when the lunch crowd died down, and Lilith came by in the late afternoon. Her nanny had picked her up after school and brought her down to check out the truck.
Landon leaned out of the window. “What can I get for you, Sassypants?”
“That is seriously the scariest picture of Rana I have ever seen.”
“You don’t like it?” He laughed.
“No, I meant scary close to how she looks.”
“Oh, good. I agree.”
“Can I see the inside?”
“Of course, you can,” I said.
The nanny stayed back reading a book on the grass while we entertained Lilith inside the truck for a bit.
Landon’s mood always seemed to brighten when Lilith was around. I think she reminded him of being a kid, an innocent time in our lives, especially given that she looked like my younger self.
“What can I make for you, Miss?”
“I’ll take a Fickle Pickle, but I want to help make it.”
“Okay. Rana’s gonna grab us the ingredients, and I’ll let you make it yourself.”
I stood back with my arms crossed, watching as Landon guided her through the process.
“I don’t know, Landon. I think Lilith might be vying for my position as your assistant.”
He looked over at me and winked. Watching Landon with her gave me a serious warm and fuzzy feeling. I knew he would make an amazing father someday, that is, if he wanted kids; we’d never discussed it. Up until very recently, I was pretty sure I would never have another child.
One thing I knew for certain was that Landon would always look out for Lilith. She didn’t realize it, but the handsome goofball helping her make that sandwich was someone who would always have her back, just like he had mine.
During a visit with Lilith a few weeks later, I was completely blindsided.
I probably never realized how much I needed Landon until that afternoon when I literally ran from Lilith’s house to the university.
Landon was closing the truck down for the afternoon when I’d arrived on campus.
He immediately recognized that something was off. “What’s wrong, Rana?” Dropping everything, he ran out of the vehicle and held me. “You’re shaking. Did someone try to hurt you?”
“No, I’m fine.”
“What happened?”
“I was with Lilith and…” I sucked in some air.
“What?”
“She started talking to me about how she often wonders where she came from.”
He took me in his arms. “Oh, baby. I’m sorry.”
“I knew this day would come, but I still wasn’t prepared for it.”
“I know you weren’t.”
“I’m realizing now that I can’t do this. I can’t pretend to not know anything and lie to her face. I’ve gotten really lucky up until now, but I just don’t know how to fake it. It just seems cruel.”
“How did you handle it?”
“I barely did. I feel like she could tell something was wrong with me. I listened to her, nodded a lot. It was awful. I pride myself on being open and honest with her. But this is the one thing I can’t talk about, not until they give me permission.”
My breathing was becoming choppy really fast. Landon knew I was prone to panic attacks. He continued to hold me tightly until I calmed down.
“Hop in the truck. Let’s go home. We need to talk about some stuff, and it can’t wait.”
“I can’t handle anything more today, Landon.”
“It’s not anything bad—at all. I promise. It’s just a long overdue conversation, and it relates to what happened today.”
He finished the last of his cleaning up as I sat there in a daze.
Sitting on the truck floor, I closed my eyes as Landon drove us back to our apartment.
Once home, he disappeared into the bathroom. When I heard the water running, I realized he was drawing a bath for us.
Landon stripped down before undressing me. As many times as I’ve seen him naked, the beauty of his inked physique never ceased to make my jaw drop. After he led me into the warm water, Landon got in behind me and pulled my body into his. Leaning my head against his chest, I had never been more grateful to have a night off from my dancing gig. I was in no mood tonight.
“I’m scared,” I whispered.
“I know. But I’m hoping that what I’m about to say to you might make you feel better.”
“What is it, Landon?”
He wrapped his arms around me tighter under the water. His low voice was soothing as he spoke against my skin.
“I told you that before I left California, I started seeing a therapist, but I never went into detail about any of the epiphanies I had before moving here. It never seemed like the right moment to bring it all up…until today.”
“I know. I didn’t want to pressure you to talk about it.”
“You know that I spent several years confused and filled with resentment over my birth mother. I don’t think that I ever really saw things from her point of view—until you. I didn’t understand how she could’ve given me away until I saw the same scenario through the eyes of someone I love more than life. You’ve given me a new perspective on the feelings of desperation that my mother must have felt. And seeing your feelings of guilt, I know how sorry you are. I know how much you love Lilith and that your actions as a teenager are not a reflection of your love for her. I realize now that my mother probably loved me very much. You have shown me that. So, thank you.”
He was thanking me?
“She did love you, Landon. I know she did.”
“Everything you do is for Lilith. She has you. She just doesn’t know it. She doesn’t know how lucky she is, but she will someday. My therapist also helped me to see my situation differently when it comes to my parents. I’ve taken them for granted. They loved me more than they could’ve ever loved a child of their own. My mother couldn’t have children, you know. That’s why they turned to adoption.”
“Neither could Beth.”
“You gave Lilith’s parents a gift just as my mother gave Marjorie and Jim one. It’s like I’ve been blind to the fact that something really wonderful came out of Beverly’s abandonment. I was only focusing on the reasons why she shouldn’t have given me up, but not focusing on all the good things that happened as a result. For one, I met you. My life wouldn’t be what it is today if I grew up with Beverly. My upbringing would’ve been rough whether she loved me or not. Sometimes love is enough, but sometimes the bad stuff can really eclipse it. I can’t guarantee I would’ve been happier if she’d kept me. But I can say with one hundred percent certainty that I had a good upbringing with loving parents. What did poor Marjorie get in return for that? A son who left her to go find his—quote, unquote—real mother. I had a mother. And I really owe her an apology for the way I handled things, the way I disappeared.”
My heart did break for Landon’s mother. I knew she spent many years feeling that she’d lost him.
“Marjorie is a wonderful mom.”
“Here’s the bottom line, Rana. Everything turned out the way it was supposed to. You give yourself hell for giving up your child, but has anyone reminded you of how brave you were? You could’ve decided to abort the baby as soon as you found out. My mother could’ve decided the same. Instead, you carried Lilith to term. That had to have been scary as hell at that age. Then you made the decision that you felt was best for her. And when you got your shit together, you owned up to your mistake and handled it in a way that probably very few people would have the guts to. You faced that regret head on and have tried to take back some of what you lost.”
My heart felt heavy. “What if it explodes in my face? What if I lose her?”
“She’s going to find out. It’s inevitable. But I want you to know that I’m gonna be there with you when she does. And after you tell her, I will be there for her. I’ll tell her my own story and show her that she’s not the only person who’s dealt with it. She’ll never have to handle this alone, Rana. Lilith and I…we share something that no one else can understand unless they’ve been on that end of the situation. If there’s a reason for everything that happens in life, then maybe I went through all this for her, so that I could be there for Lilith.”
The fact that he felt that way really touched me deeply. It was like he’d unwound all of our pain and sewed it back together into something beautiful. Words could not express my gratitude to him for opening up to me today.
“I can’t tell you how much it means to know that I won’t have to go through this alone and that you would want to support Lilith that way.”
“You won’t lose her, Rana. I’ve finally learned to forgive Beverly, even though she can’t even speak to me. If Lilith is angry at first, she will learn to forgive you, especially since you’ve made an effort to be a part of her life in the only way you’ve been allowed to. The fact is, maybe I couldn’t really just be grateful that Beverly gave me life until I started living a life that I loved. I’m living this beautiful life right now because she made a choice to carry me to term, even though she was in incredible pain. I wouldn’t change anything about the past anymore. So, I need to let my animosity go. I need to just look up and say ‘thank you, Beverly’ and be grateful for the fact that Lilith is going to get to know her birth mother when I couldn’t. She’s gonna be lucky enough to realize that she has two mothers and a father who love her. And she’ll always have me, too. Maybe she’ll be mad at you for a while, yeah, but she’s going to be loved. She’ll come to understand that eventually. And that will be what matters most.”
I really hoped he was right.
Looking back to face him, I took a minute to soak in this man’s beauty, both which was on the outside and especially the inner beauty he was demonstrating in the way he cared for me this afternoon.
“Thank you for this bathtub therapy. I really needed it today.”
“I know you did. Those thoughts had been at the tip of my tongue for a while, waiting for the right moment.”
We lay in the steamy water for almost an hour. Despite my scare with Lilith earlier, I felt incredibly relaxed now.
Since we were being so open, there was a nagging question I’d wanted to ask him for some time. It was something we’d never discussed.
Turning around to face him, I wrapped my legs around his waist and rubbed my thumb along his beautiful bottom lip. “Do you want a child of your own someday?”
“Only with you,” he said without even thinking. “Only if you want one, too. I definitely don’t think that’s a decision we have to make any time soon, though.”
“I used to tell myself that I didn’t deserve to have another baby, that I had my chance and gave up the right, but honestly, I haven’t truly wanted it…until you.”
Landon pulled me into him and kissed me tenderly. I could feel his erection growing beneath me. “My instinct is that I want to get you pregnant for primal reasons. I’m getting hard just thinking about it. But really…it’s a lifetime of responsibility. And quite honestly…” he hesitated. I really wasn’t sure what he was going to say until his next words came out. “I really do want it. The truth is, I want that with you so fucking much it hurts.”
My heart was pounding at his admission. “When you paused, I got scared for a second.”
“That must mean that deep down, you really want it, too.”
“I don’t think I realized how much I wanted it until this moment—until my heart nearly fell when I thought maybe you didn’t.”
My man took care of me that entire night. After our bath, Landon cooked us dinner, and we ate it on the couch together while watching Netflix.
When our movie ended, he took out his wallet. “I forgot. I have something to show you. My mother found this. She gave it to me today when I met her for breakfast. Check this out.” He handed me a photo.
My smile grew wide. It was a picture of Landon and me taken during the first few months after my family moved into the garage apartment. I remembered the day it was taken vividly. Our entire block was having a yard sale, and both Landon and I were in charge of collecting money for the items that Marjorie put out on her table. She gave us ten percent of the profits as payment for our work, and we used the money to buy our first Rubik’s Cube from one of the other tables.
Still grinning at the photo, I said, “That’s the day we bought the Rubik’s Cube.”
“I remembered that, but I wasn’t sure if you would.”
“No, I remember everything about that day. It was one of the first times that I realized how much I really liked the boy next door.”
He tapped his knee against mine. “Yeah. I thought you were alright, too.”
On the back of the photo, his mother had written our names and the date.
I just kept staring at it. It was the first time in ages that I’d looked at a photo of myself from that time period. It was really hitting me more than ever how much Lilith resembled me.
“I look just like her in this picture, don’t I?”
“Yeah. Whenever Lilith is around, it takes me back in time. I feel like a kid again around her. It’s good for my soul.”
After Landon tucked the photo back into his wallet, he wrapped his arms around me, kissing me repeatedly on my forehead. I’d lived for so many years feeling alone and scared. For the first time in my life, I felt truly safe. His hands may have been calloused; his arms may have been inked; he may have looked dangerous, but Landon was as gentle as he was protective.
“I couldn’t have ever foreseen this happening between us, Landon. I’m so grateful to have you with me now.”
“I never thought I’d see you again in a million years after you left. Life can be hard as shit, but sometimes…sometimes it surprises me in the best way.”
That night before heading to sleep, Landon was brushing his teeth while I readjusted the sheets on our bed. I happened to look up and noticed something bizarre. My stuffed animals from childhood had always been lined up on a shelf that was situated high up on the wall across from my bed. There were so many crammed together, all different colors and kinds. One stuffed bear in particular caught my eye—because I didn’t recognize it.
It wasn’t mine.
When Landon walked in, I asked, “Did you buy me a stuffed animal?”
“No. Why? Do you want me to?”
Walking over to the shelf, I lifted the brown bear. “I just noticed this one. It’s not mine.” I handed it to him.
Landon’s expression grew to one of concern as he inspected it. “You know there’s a zipper back here.” He opened the bear to find a camera inside. “This a fucking spy cam!”
My heart started to race. “What?”
“Look…the nose is the lens.” Landon’s hands were shaking. I’d never seen him so worked-up. “That sick fuck must have been filming you.”
Admittedly, I probably hadn’t taken a good look at the shelf since Lenny moved out, so I had no way of knowing how long the bear had been there. Since we’d changed the locks, it was doubtful that he’d been back since leaving. Still, it definitely shook me up.
He threw the bear on the bed. “It’s empty…no tape or anything inside. Will you let me go to the fucking police now?”
“No. I don’t want any trouble. I know that sounds crazy…but I just want to let it go.”
Landon let out a frustrated breath. “I have to work harder at finding us a new place.”
Looking for a new apartment had somehow fallen by the wayside. With each day that had passed after Lenny left, it’d seemed less necessary to move.
But this unsettling discovery definitely opened old wounds, making the need to relocate once again a priority.