CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
I am way more nervous than I should be. Sadie is just a tiny little girl, so why am I having these paranoid delusions that she’s going to be mean to me and make me cry? My nerves are so on edge, I’m imagining worst-case scenarios left and right. What if she points at me and yells, “Get that ugly lady away from me!” or “You’re not my mommy and I hate you!” No kid has ever done that to me before, but anything could happen. Nothing in my life is going like it usually does, so I can’t imagine why this situation would be any different. Abnormal is my new normal.
Sam seems completely relaxed and looking forward to picking up his daughter. I imagine being with her will make him feel more hopeful about his future. I hear kids can do that for a person. We’ve had enough of them visit the farm over the years with their parents. I just hope she doesn’t somehow figure out that her dad and I have become close and then get jealous enough to try to destroy it. I hear kids do that sometimes too.
The driver who brings us to Sadie’s babysitter does a great job of chitchatting, keeping my mind off the upcoming meeting in favor of a discussion about the local music scene. He has all kinds of opinions about whose show is worth watching and whose isn’t.
Sam joins in the conversation, being very knowledgeable about the scene himself. Of course the driver doesn’t recognize Sam because Sam’s never performed in public. Sam acts kind of incognito, hearing this man’s opinions about people he could very likely be jamming with on their off days. It’s kind of sad in a way, that people will never talk about Sam like this man is talking about these other musicians. I wonder if it bothers him to always be anonymous with his talent.
After a while, I let their words wash over me and instead focus on the conversation I’m going to have with my sister Amber. It will go down in history as one of the stranger ones we’ve had. Yes, Amber, I met your boyfriend’s brother and slept with him the very next day. We’ve had crazy sex over and over again, while trying to deal with the pain of losing his best friend to a heroin overdose. Oh, and by the way, Sam has a little girl, and we’re going to go pick her up and bring her back to your apartment in New York, ’kay?
“You ready?” Sam asks.
His words break me out of the daze I was in, and I realize that we’re sitting in the driveway at somebody’s house. I grab my purse. “Oh. Yeah. Sure. I’m ready.”
I am so not ready. I am not ready at all. We’re in suburbia, somewhere an hour outside of LA. All the houses look the same with identical façades and front lawns. I can hear children playing in the backyard of the one we’re parked in front of; they’re squealing with laughter. Poor, sweet little Sadie. I don’t know when Sam is going to share the news of her mother’s passing with her, but it seems a shame to have to do it anytime soon. She sounds like she’s having a lot of fun.
“Don’t be nervous.” Sam takes me by the elbow and walks me up the driveway to the front door.
“I’m not nervous. I’m fine.” I quickly smooth my hair down as best I can. It’s still a little wet from my shower.
“Sure you are.”
I lower my voice. “Just because we’ve been intimate doesn’t mean you can read my mind now.”
“We’ve been intimate, like, eight times,” he says, tickling me by poking me in the ribs.
“Still . . . you can’t read my mind.”
“Okay, if you say so.”
He rings the doorbell and winks at me. I so want to yank his beard and wipe that satisfied look off his face, but I hear footsteps coming. My window of opportunity closes when the door opens and a woman with short red hair sticking out in all directions is standing on the threshold smiling at us.
“Welcome back,” she says, stepping out to give Sam a hug. She claps him on the back a few times and then lets go to look at me. “And who is this pretty little thing?”
Sam rests his hand on my shoulder. “This is my friend Emerald. You can call her Em.”
This woman, whoever she is, grabs me into a hug and squeezes the stuffing out of me before letting me go abruptly. “And you can call me Patricia, or Patty, if you prefer.” She backs up and gestures into her house. “After you, guys. I’ll grab the door.”
We walk inside, and I try to keep my jaw from hitting the floor. It looks like a toy factory exploded inside her living room. Primary colors molded into a thousand different plastic shapes are spread around every square inch of the room. She must let her kids have toy wars; it’s the only explanation for it. There are toy parts even in the potted plants. I suppose it makes her a cool mom, but what a nightmare to clean up after.
“Excuse the mess,” she says, laughing. “You know my house is usually so clean.”
“Yeah, sure it is,” Sam says, laughing along with her.
I follow them into the kitchen and then to the back door. There’s a whole group of kids of different ages playing in the yard together. Some of them are on a swing set, some are in a little baby pool, and others are climbing around in a pile of dirt.
Patty cups her hands around her mouth and yells, “Sadie! Your dad is here!”
A little girl in the dirt pile stands up straight and screams at the top of her lungs, “Daddy!” Her curls are so grungy they don’t look blond anymore. She comes running over, wearing a mismatched outfit of red, purple, and orange. When she gets closer, I notice a small princess crown sitting lopsided on her head, held there with a knot of tangled hair.
“Sorry about the mess,” Patty says, gesturing at the outfit Sadie is wearing. “We had a little accident, so she had to borrow some of Cassie’s clothes.”
“That’s okay.” Sam bends down with his arms open and grabs his little girl as she throws herself against him. He hugs her close, his eyes shutting as he buries his nose in her neck and inhales deeply.
I have to look away. It tugs my heartstrings not only to see how much he loves her but to know that he’s going to have to share some horrible news with her soon. Poor little thing lost her momma. My mothers’ faces flash before my eyes and take my breath away.
Sadie pulls back from her father and stares up at me. She gets a suspicious look in her eye. “Who’s that?”
Sam stands, holding her hand. “That’s my friend Emerald.”
“Emerald is a color,” Sadie says, looking me up and down. “She’s not a color. She’s a lady.”
He reaches down and taps her gently on the nose. “That’s right. Emerald is a color, but it’s also somebody’s name, so please be nice and say hello.”
“Hello,” she says begrudgingly.
“Hello, Sadie. It’s nice to meet you. I like your crown.”
“Can you say thank you?” Sam asks.
“Thank you.” She gives me a few more suspicious once-overs before turning her attention to the interior of the house. “My backpack is over there. I’ll get it.” She runs off to retrieve it from the couch where there’s a pile of them in several different colors. She picks out a pink one with a princess printed on the outside of it.
“Thanks so much for taking care of her, Patty. I owe you one.”
She holds her hand out. “Actually, you owe me a hundred ones. Madison hadn’t paid me in weeks.”
He smiles sadly, reaching deep into his pocket and pulling out a wad of cash. He counts out some twenties and puts them in her hand. “Now we’re square. Don’t ask me to watch your kid anytime soon.”
She laughs and pinches his cheek. “I know you’ll babysit if I ask you to.” She takes some keys off the counter. “Your car is parked down the street.”
“Thanks for keeping an eye on it for me.” He lowers his voice. “Listen, we’re going to be out of town for a while. Same place.”
She nods, also quieting down. “I get it. It’s cool. Just let me know if you need anything.” She shoves the money into her back pocket. “Good luck.” She looks at Sadie, at Sam, and finally at me. “Looks like you guys’ve got your work cut out for you.”
I try to smile, but I know it’s not really working. Talk about awkward.
“Just try to keep where we’re going on the down-low, if you could,” Sam says. “I don’t want any bad news following us over there.”
She nods and pretends to zip her lips and throw away the key.
Sam pulls her into a hug. “You’ve been a great friend to Madison and me. And Sadie. We appreciate it.”
She rubs his back, talking softly so Sadie won’t hear. “It’s been my pleasure. You’ve got a great little family here, Sam. I know it just got a little smaller, but don’t let it get you too down. Madison is in a better place now. She’s finally found the peace she was looking for all her life.”
He nods. When he pulls back, he has tears in his eyes.
Patty faces me and smiles, cupping my cheeks in her hands. “You are so pretty. I don’t know where Sam found you, but I’m glad he did.”
I don’t know what to say to that. I wasn’t privy to the phone conversation Sam had with her before we got here, but I can’t imagine he was able to tell her too much about me; he hardly knows me himself. The people of LA must really be into my hippie-chick vibe or something. I decide it’s best to just keep things simple when responding to her compliment. “Thank you.”
Patty glances over at Sam, who’s helping Sadie get her backpack on. She leaves her hand resting on my shoulder. “Don’t let him get too bratty on you.” She lowers her voice. “He can be real stubborn. He doesn’t like letting people into his big, fat heart, but don’t let that stop you from trying.”
“Okay.” I don’t think Patty realizes that Sam and I just met. Our siblings are in love, but that doesn’t mean we are. We’re going back to New York together—at least I think we are—but then a few days later I’m going to leave Sam there. I’ll be going back to the farm, and he’ll be staying in Manhattan to work—end of story. My heart hurts a little as I acknowledge these facts to myself.
“Ready?” Sam asks, leading Sadie over.
I nod, moving out of Patty’s grasp. “Ready.”
“Send me a text with the details of the you-know-what,” she says to Sam as we make our way to the front door. I assume she’s hinting about the funeral.
“Will do.”
“Great. Drive safe. See you soon.”
Out at the car, Sam takes his time buckling Sadie into a seat that he pulls from the trunk.
“I don’t need a baby seat anymore,” she says, struggling with him a little. “I’m a big girl now.”
“Yes, I know how big you are, but you still need the car seat, according to the policeman.” He holds her hand out of the way so he can insert the buckle.
“There’s no policeman here,” she says, making a big show of looking around.
“Yeah, well, maybe not here, but they’re always out there somewhere watching out for people trying to break the law, and I don’t want them catching me being a bad dad.”
Sadie taps him on the top of the head and then starts playing with his beard. “You’re not a bad daddy. You’re a good daddy.”
I get into the front seat and wait for Sam to join me there. I want to turn around and watch his interactions with his daughter, but I feel like it might be too nosy.
Sadie whispers, “Why is she here?”
“Because I asked her to be here,” Sam responds, also in a whisper.
“She has a pretty skirt.”
“Why don’t you tell her that?”
“Because I don’t want to.”
“Okay. Maybe later you can tell her.”
“Maybe.” Sadie doesn’t seem convinced that it’s a good idea.
Her sass makes me smile. I think the little girl has inherited some stubbornness from her dad. They might not have the same DNA, but you’d never know it from watching them together.
Sam joins me in the front seat and we’re soon headed back into the city. The drive takes almost twice as long as it did coming out, with the traffic that has grown in our absence. By the time we’re back at Sam’s apartment, we should be eating dinner, but I’m too exhausted. Maybe it’s all the sex Sam and I had or the emotions running so high for the past twenty-four hours or the jet lag, but I’m ready for bed by eight o’clock.
Sam feeds Sadie some chicken nuggets and apples that we grabbed at a corner store before putting her to bed in her room. He shuts the door behind him and joins me in the kitchen.
“Are you sure we should sleep together in the same room?” I ask, worried she’ll get up in the middle of the night and find me in there.
“It’s fine, trust me. She sleeps like a hibernating bear.”
“Okay.” I stand and he takes my hand.
“Are you ready for bed?” he asks.
I give him a pained expression. “I am. Is that totally lame or what?”
He smiles and leans in to give me a sweet kiss. “I was actually hoping you would say that. I’m dead on my feet right now.”
I move in close and wrap my arms around his neck, hugging him to me. “Let’s go to bed.”
“You think we could actually get some sleep this time?” He pulls me against him and his hands slide down to my rear end and squeeze.
“Why don’t we just see how things go?” I suggest, feeling the heat starting to build between us.
We pull apart and slowly walk to the bedroom, holding hands as we go. Once inside with the door shut, I watch him strip off his shirt and pants, getting down to his boxers. I swear I was ready to pass out from exhaustion two minutes ago, but now I’m suddenly awake and my body is tingling all over.
When he turns around and gives me that look, his eyes dark and his jaw tensing, I know we’re not going to be sleeping anytime soon. I turn around and lock the door. When I face him again, he’s naked and ready for me. I slowly drop my skirt and step out of it.