CHAPTER FIFTY-FOUR
I’m really happy you agreed to have a chat with me. I’ve been wanting to talk to you for a long time.”
“I know.” I hold in the sigh that wants to burst out. I’ve been childishly keeping myself separate from him. It’s actually easier for me to chat with Cash or Mooch than with him.
“It’s tough in such a busy house to find any private moments.”
“Sometimes. Yeah.”
“But you love it here. I can see that.”
“I do.” I look at him but he’s staring straight ahead. I think he’s making an effort to not put pressure on me with too much eye contact, and I appreciate it. Just standing next to him is difficult for me. It’s like being too close to the sun or something.
“Your sister Amber is happy here, but I think she really likes New York a lot.”
“Yes, you’re right. She does.” My heartbeat hitches. She’s relocated for good, my sister. She’ll visit the farm from time to time, but her days of living here permanently are over. Time has changed us. Time and the band.
“Are you upset about that?” He looks at me, waiting for my answer.
I don’t know if he’s asking me if I’m upset about her wanting to live there or her being okay with sharing the same address as the band, but regardless, it doesn’t change my answer. “Not really. I miss her when she’s there, of course, but I would never want to stop her from living the life that makes her happy.”
“That’s how I feel.”
I look at him, again not sure what he means. “About Amber?”
He glances at me for a second before answering. “About all of you. I just want you all to be happy.”
I nod, not sure I can respond without letting too much emotion get in the way. All I can think about is whether I would have been happier to have him in my life all those years growing up. I’ll never know and it makes me so sad.
“Cool,” I finally say, not wanting him to think badly of me. I’m not a brat trying to punish a grown man for things he said and did a long time ago. I’m going to be a mom soon, and he was denied the chance to be a father—by decisions, by circumstances, by the actions of others, by his own actions . . . Life can be so unfair sometimes. This is the first time I’ve actually seen our whole situation as being unfair to him. I imagine taking off and leaving Sam without a word because I don’t want to ruin his career, and all I feel is a burning pain in my chest. How could our mothers have done that?
Red derails my train of thought by speaking. “We really love being out here, but I know this is your home. And I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable in your home.”
I shrug. “I’m not uncomfortable.”
He stops walking. I stop too and turn to face him.
“I’d leave tomorrow if I knew it was causing you pain for me to be here.” The leather of his jacket creaks as he moves to rub his hands together. He looks nervous, which is really strange considering who he is.
I try to be polite and smile, but I can’t. My face twists as emotions crash into me. “What about Amber?”
“Amber works for us and she lives nearby. I talk to her every day. That won’t change.”
“And Rose?”
“I haven’t had a chance to talk to her, but she seems like a pretty even-keeled person. I have hope that we can find a way to communicate.”
“I’m not even-keeled?” Does he think I’m an emotional basket case or something?
He holds out his hands. “You are, absolutely. That’s not what I meant. I think you’re just . . . a very sensitive person. An artist, like me.” He shares a half smile. “We tend to take everything to heart, you know?”
I want to cry over the truth of that and the idea that we share this trait. “Yeah. We do.”
He looks around, as if searching for words . . . or maybe for the courage to say them. I know exactly how he feels.
“If it’s okay with you, I’d really like to get to know you better,” he says.
I swallow with difficulty; my throat has gone dry. One of the most famous people in the world, literally adored by millions, wants to get to know me. He might even be my father. And here I am standing in front of him, speechless.
“I know it’s a lot to ask. I know you’re angry with me and the guys. I know you wish things had gone differently. Hell, so do I. I really do.” He moves closer. I can see his bloodshot eyes and weathered skin clearly now. “I’m an old man. I don’t know how much time I’ve got left on this earth, but I’ll tell you one thing I do know.” He pauses, staring me in the eye. “I’d give everything away . . . give it all up . . . just to have a relationship with you, your sisters, and your mothers. All of it. None of the money or the fame is worth having lost you.”
I can’t stop the tears now. They are flowing freely down my cheeks, and I’m trembling too hard to wipe them away. I want to run, to fly from this place up into the sky and look down on it from a hundred miles above. But I can’t; I’m stuck here, facing my fears, dog-paddling in this pool of emotions that feels like it’s going to drown me in its depths.
“You haven’t lost anything,” I say in a shaky voice. “You can’t lose what you never had.”
“I’d like a second chance at it,” he says, his voice steeled against the pain he’s obviously suffering. “But I can only get that second chance if you agree to give it to me. I can’t force you, and I wouldn’t even if I could. It’s all up to you, child. I’m at your mercy.”
Jesus Christ, this guy knows how to grab my heartstrings and tug the hell out of them. I say the first and only thing that comes to mind. “I’m afraid you’ll hurt me and my family.”
He drops down to one knee, reaching up for my hand. I let him take it, mesmerized by the tortured emotions on his face. “I would rather die than do anything that would hurt you or your family. Please believe me.” He places his free hand on his heart, his thick, chunky rings catching my eye. I don’t think this man gets on his knees very often, if ever.
I nod at his gesture. Love is ringing in my soul like a clanging bell. I know he means what he says; the truth is shining out from his eyes. “Okay.” I nearly pass out saying that one word, but I can’t stop there. “You can have that second chance. But if you do hurt us, if you’re careless with our love, you will regret it. I will make absolutely damn sure of that.”
He stands and steps toward me with his arms out. “I will never, ever go back to living with regret, I can promise you.”
I can’t stay away from him anymore. His eyes pull me in like a magnet, and then I’m in his arms. He’s holding me tightly and his body is trembling, just like mine is. “I hope you’re my daughter. I think you’re really something special. But if you’re not, I’m still going to treat you like you are, because DNA test results don’t matter to me.”
“Me neither,” I say, overwhelmed by the idea that Red and I could have this in common. I have a hard time talking through my tears, but I have something that still needs to be said. “I don’t need to know who my father is. I just want one; that’s all I know. I want a father.” My entire body is going haywire. I’m hot and then cold, scared and then brave, wanting to cry and then sing. I have never fully admitted this fact to myself until this moment, and now that it’s here, I realize what my future holds: love.
“Then I’m your man,” he says, his voice gruff. “I’m ready to be the best damn daddy a girl ever had. And so are Cash and Mooch. We’re ready.”
“Okay,” is all I can manage.
“And being a grandpa is cool with me too. I’m ready to spoil grandkids like you’ve never seen.”
I can’t say anything to that. All the words I want to say are stuck behind a huge lump in my throat. But he knows from my tears that I’m on board with all of this. I am so on board.
We stand there for the longest time, and when the embrace is finally over, I feel as though I could take a week-long nap. I’ve never felt so exhausted and yet happy in my entire life.