CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
By the time I get to the front door, there’s no one there, but I am nearly peeing my pants with fear. There’s no way in hell I’m staying in this apartment another minute; I don’t care if it was Jedobah Witniks ringing that bell or not. I have to get out of here and take Sadie with me. I don’t feel safe, and a sweet little princess like her should never have to hide in a closet in fear while she’s whispering about bad guys.
I dial Sam’s number, but it goes immediately to voice mail. He’s probably in the middle of the memorial service. Should I call one of my sisters? No. We still haven’t talked about what happened yet, so this would be too much of a shock. We keep missing each other and leaving voice mails. Amber is super busy with the band in Japan, not only working but also doing a ton of sightseeing, and Rose is up to her ears in sick animals. I can’t scare either one of them with stuff they can do nothing about. I also can’t call my mothers because it’ll have the exact same effect.
So, instead of alerting the entire world that I’m scared out of my wits, I leave a voice mail for Sam with details of my plan, and I call a cab. While we wait for the car to arrive, Sadie and I pack her little backpack with clothing and toiletries, grab my suitcase, and head out to the waiting vehicle. Sam can get his own bag; it’s too heavy for me to carry anyway.
“Please take us to one of the hotels that’s right next to the airport,” I say to the cabdriver.
“We talking LAX?” the driver asks.
“Yes, exactly.”
“Why are we going to the airport?” Sadie asks, her eyes going wide. “Am I going on an airplane?”
“No, not right away. But would you like to someday?”
We’re holding hands in the backseat. It was her idea, not mine. It feels nice, having her tiny hand there. I need to keep her safe, and holding on to her makes me feel like I’m doing that in some small way.
“I don’t know,” she says. “Maybe. But maybe not.”
“It’s really fun,” I say, trying to head off the future temper tantrum I see with Sam asking her to get on the plane and her refusing. I have a feeling Sam is going to want to get her on one sooner rather than later, once he hears about the visitor at his apartment.
“But what if they crash?” She looks at me with worry in her eyes. “My mommy says that planes crash.”
“No, they don’t.” I shake my head. “They’re very safe.”
“My mommy lied?”
Damn. She got me on that one. “No, she didn’t lie, because they used to crash; but they don’t anymore.”
The cabdriver looks at me in the rearview mirror and shakes his head slowly. I guess, according to him, I’m screwing up. Well, hell’s bells, buddy! I’m new to this stuff and I have no idea what I’m doing! Don’t judge me!
“Hey, what’s that?” I ask, pointing at nothing outside the cab.
Sadie puts her hands on the windowsill and pushes her nose against the glass. “What? Where?”
“Something blue,” I say, trying to tempt her into playing a car game with me.
“I don’t see it,” she says, her breath fogging up the window. The condensation she made fascinates her enough that she makes more of it and then tries to draw pictures in it with her fingertip. I’m glad for the break in the conversation; I was seriously screwing it up. I refuse to look up at the cabbie to see if he approves.
My phone rings and I glance down at it. Amber. I don’t really want to have a conversation with her in front of Sadie, because there are a lot of things I need to say to her that a little girl shouldn’t hear, but maybe I can give her some basics by talking in code. I need to hear her voice if nothing else. I answer the call and put the phone up to my ear.
“Finally,” I say.
“I know, right? It has been absolute madness over here. Madness, I’m telling you. But the Japanese people are amazing.” The smile and excitement in her voice are impossible to miss.
Her happiness immediately lightens my mood. “That’s really cool. How are the moms taking it?”
“Oh my god, they are on cloud nine. You wouldn’t even recognize them right now; they’ve all had makeovers. They don’t even look like themselves anymore.”
My heart feels like it’s shriveling up in my chest as I picture my mothers turning into jet-setting frou-frou witches who no longer want to can beans and make jam. “Seriously? And you’re happy about that?”
“Why wouldn’t I be? They look fantastic. They’ve dropped ten years from their looks. I’ve never seen them this happy.”
“Oh.” My heart sinks even further.
“Oh, come on, Em. Stop feeling sorry for yourself.”
“What? For myself? Give me a break. It doesn’t bother you, even in the slightest, that our mothers are happier being gone from their lives?”
“No, and it shouldn’t bother you either. They’re moving on to another era, just like you are. Life doesn’t have to stay stagnant all the time, Em. It can change and still be good.”
“I’m not moving on from an era of my life. I’m in my life. My only life. My life is not changing.”
She laughs. “You could’ve fooled me. Where are you right now?”
Okay, so she has a teeny, tiny point. “I’m in LA. But I’m headed back to New York soon and then I’ll be going home, to Maine, where I belong.” I glance over at Sadie, but she’s too busy drawing little faces and flowers in her hot-breath fog on the window to pay me any attention.
“See? You just proved my point. If I told you a week ago that you’d be out in LA running around with a guitarist, you would’ve told me I was nuts.”
“I’m not running around”—I lower my voice is much as I possibly can—“with a guitarist.”
“Oh. You’re not out there with Sam?”
I let out a sigh. “Yes, I am.”
“Okay, then, I’m right, and you’re wrong. Ha, ha. Ten points for me.”
I can totally picture Amber giving herself a high five right now. “Anyway . . . whatever. I have news, but I’m not in a great position to be talking about it now, so we probably should have another phone call at a later time.”
“No!” she exclaims. “You need to tell me everything now; this is the only break I’m going to get.”
“This is your only break? What about going to the bathroom? Don’t they let you do that?”
“You want me to call you when I’m sitting on the toilet?” She giggles.
“Okay, no. Please don’t do that.”
She sighs happily. “Just tell me, don’t be coy.”
“I’m not being coy.”
“You’re not? You sound serious. Oh, wait . . . Is there somebody there listening? Is that why you can’t talk now?”
“Bingo.”
“Who is it? Is it Sam? Oooh, cool, let’s girl-talk about a boy while he’s sitting right next to you.”
“No, actually, it’s not Sam.”
The sound of her father’s name catches Sadie’s attention. She spins around and stares at me. “Are you talking about my daddy?”
There’s a gasp on the other end of the line. “Who was that? What did she just say?”
Dammit! I’m so not sly at all! “It’s nobody. She didn’t say anything.”
“Yes, I did,” Sadie insists, her voice rising. “Are you talking to my daddy?”
I pat her on the shoulder. “No, I’m not talking to your daddy. I’m talking to my sister.”
“Who is she talking about?” Amber asks. Her cheerful tone is completely gone. “Is she talking about Sam? Does Sam have a child?”
Oh, crudbuckets. This conversation is not going at all how I wanted it to. “Would you calm down, please?”
“No, I’m not going to calm down. This is huge. Are you telling me Sam has a kid, and I’m just finding out about it now by accident?”
“No, I’m not saying that. Well . . . maybe I am kind of saying that, but no. Not like that.” I shake my head and then rest it against the window. This is hopeless.
“Em, you seriously have to tell me what’s going on right now. If he has a child . . . I need to know about that stuff.”
I lift my head off the window. “Why do you need to know about it? How is it even relevant?” I glance over at Sadie. She’s staring straight ahead, but I’m pretty sure she’s listening to every word I’m saying.
“Because, it could change everything.” Amber’s voice suddenly sounds devoid of emotion.
Panic hits me like a sledgehammer in the chest. I cannot screw up this deal with the band for Sam. “No, don’t say that. Everything is going forward as planned. I’m doing exactly what you told me to do, and everything is going to be fine. I’m handling it.”
“Since when do you handle things?” she demands.
“Since when do I not?”
She snorts. “Since the beginning of your life on this earth. You always run away when things get difficult.”
I gasp in offense. “I do not! That is such a lie.” Geez, could she be more insulting? She’s the one who told me to take care of Sam and get to the bottom of his issues. And am I not doing exactly that?
“No, it’s not a lie, and you know it. I’m the one who runs headlong into problems. You’re the one who runs in the other direction. Avoid, avoid, avoid . . . that’s your motto.”
I turn my face toward the window and lower my voice as much as I can, hoping Sadie won’t hear me. She doesn’t need to experience grown-ups not getting along. “I’m here, aren’t I? And I was in New York for you, too. So don’t give me that nonsense about being afraid. I’m anything but that. Now, if you don’t have anything nice to say to me, then I’m getting off this phone right now and you can just talk to me later.”
There’s a long silence before she finally answers. “Okay. Fine. Maybe you’re not as afraid as you used to be.”
I know this is Amber’s lame attempt at an apology, but it still sucks. “You’re going to have to try a lot harder than that before I forgive you.”
She sighs really loudly. “Fine. I’m sorry, okay? I’m just . . . under a lot of pressure here.”
“Regardless, it doesn’t mean you can be rude to me.”
“You’re right. And I’m sorry, sorry, sorry, so please forgive me.” She doesn’t wait for me to do that before continuing. “So . . . how old is this little person you’re sitting next to?”
I glance over at Sadie, who’s still listening in on my conversation. “This little girl I am sitting next to is four years old. And she’s pretty amazing. You should see her knock over a tower of blocks like a giant King Kong princess. She’s aaall about the mayhem.”
That earns me a very slight smile. She’s pretending not to listen, though, because she doesn’t even glance at me. She’s playing with the strap on her backpack, twisting it around her tiny finger.
“So, Sam has had a child for the last four years and he hasn’t said anything to anyone, not even his own brother. Ty is going to blow a nut over this one. Probably two nuts.”
“I hope not. I think he’s probably going to need those at some point.” Amber doesn’t laugh at my tasteless joke, which is all I need to know about her mood; she’s all business now.
“Sooo . . . I guess Sam is pretty sensitive about it?” Amber asks.
“You could say that. There’s a long backstory.”
“I can’t wait to hear it. All of it. When are you going to be alone?”
“Not for the foreseeable future. I’ll have to let you know on that.”
“Okay, well, just so you know, I’m going to be dying to know what’s going on and it will be eating away at my very soul to not know it, so you’d better hurry up and find someplace you can hide away and talk to me about it really soon. Before I die from the not knowing.”
I’m relieved that she’s back to being ridiculous and not so serious. “Well, that’s not likely, because Sam is not here with us right now; but when he is, I’ll do my best.”
“Where’s Sam?”
“I can’t say right now.”
“Did he take off? Did he just leave you with his kid?”
“No, stop. Stop saying that stuff. I have to go.” Talking to Amber is exhausting. I feel like a child who’s done something wrong and has to explain herself to an angry parent.
“No, don’t go. I want to share my news.”
“Great. I’d love to hear your news.” Yes, I would be thrilled to have the spotlight on her for a change.
“Well, the crowds here are absolutely fantastic. People are practically turning themselves inside out when they hear the music. They know all the words to all the songs. I had no idea we were so big in Japan.”
“That’s great.” Ugh. She said “we.”
“And Ty is doing really fab. Nobody here is giving him a single boo. I think he likes Japan better than the United States.”
“That’s nice. I don’t think anybody should be booing anybody.”
“Believe me, I agree. Our moms have been backstage every night, and they are just loving it. They want to go out on the rest of the tour.”
“They do? Are they actually going to do that?” It literally nauseates me to imagine them being gone that long, let alone with them.
“I don’t think so. It’s fun having them here, but they do kind of interfere with what we’re trying to get done. The band is finding it hard to concentrate, more fixated on reminiscing than keeping to schedules. I think the guys are going to gently tell them no.”
“Oh, I get it. Because our moms are cramping the band’s style with the other, younger groupies?”
She snorts. “Hardly. I mean, yeah, those groupies are probably out there, but they’re not allowed backstage. They’re not allowed anywhere near the band, actually.”
“Because our mothers are blocking them?”
“No, because of them . . . the band. They don’t have any interest in that shit anymore.”
“Why not? I thought old dudes like to get it on as much as young ones do.”
“Maybe, but these old dudes are feeling a lot of regret over the way they treated women in the past, so they’ve turned over a new leaf.” She sounds very proud of that supposed fact.
What a load of donkey poo. “Yeah, right. Whatever.” My sister is so naïve. She thinks those men aren’t having sex with groupies anymore because they’ve turned over new leaves? Ha! As if! Amber may be a very sophisticated woman in some ways, but she still has a lot to learn about life. Those men may not be doing the nasty in front of her, and they may be pausing that kind of activity while our mothers are with them, but they haven’t stopped. A leopard can’t change its spots.
“You got any more good news for me?” I ask, wanting to hurry the conversation along.
“Wellll . . . I have one other bit of news, but I don’t know if I want to share it with you right now because you’re being so rude to me.”
I sigh. “I’m sorry. I’ve been under a lot of stress too these last few days, and a lot of shit has been going—I mean a lot of poop has been going on, so you’ll just have to try to forgive me.”
“Okay, good. I forgive you, because I’m so excited about this I can’t not tell you anymore.”
“Well, what is it? Don’t keep me in suspense.”
“I really should wait until I see you in person . . .”
“Amber, don’t play; you know you want to tell me. What is it? Did Ty ask you to marry him or something?” I wouldn’t put it past him. They’re moving so fast in that relationship as it is.
“No. But you’re on the right track.”
I mull that one over for a few seconds, but I’m not coming up with anything. “I don’t get it. I’m lost.” With all of the stuff happening with Sam, my brain is exhausted.
“Hold on. I just need to go into the other room.”
I hear a door shutting, footsteps, and then some muffled sounds before my sister’s back on the phone.
“Are you ready to hear the biggest news of the century?” she asks in a whisper.
“Yes, I’m ready.” I’m already bored with this conversation. I know she’s going to say something I don’t want to hear, like she got another promotion and is never coming back to New York. She’s probably going to tell me they’re all moving to LA, our mothers included. Please, God, no.
“I’m pregnant.”
Suddenly, the scenery that I was driving past becomes a mere blur. I get a tickle in my nose and feel like I’m going to sneeze. My ears start ringing. I’m ill. I’m instantly sick, every cell in my body crying out to be medicated.
“Did you hear me? I just told you I’m pregnant.”
“What?” My voice comes out a lot louder than I mean for it to. Sadie looks at me with fear in her eyes. I reach over and pat her on the leg, telling her silently not to worry.
“Yes, you heard me right. I am pregnant. The other day when I was in the bathroom, when you thought I was building a log cabin, I was taking a pregnancy test.”
“You mean you knew you were pre . . . the p-word . . . when you were there with me, but you didn’t tell me?”
“Yes. But I couldn’t tell you until I told Ty first, right? Plus, I had to have a blood test to be sure.”
I don’t know whether to be happy or sad about this. “No, I guess. Maybe.”
“I’ve surprised you, haven’t I?”
“Yeah, a little.” My sister knows what birth control is, so she has to have done this on purpose. But why? What was she thinking? Isn’t her life crazy enough? “I don’t get it, though. How could this happen?”
“Believe me, I don’t get it either. I was on the pill, as you know. I’ve been on the pill for years to regulate my periods.” She sighs happily. “But it happened. It was meant to be.”
“That’s insane.” It’s finally sinking in that my sister is actually going to have a baby. With Ty. With Sam’s brother. Holy shit, Sam and I are practically related now! We’re both going to have the same niece or nephew. I have only one question: Does this mean we have to stop sleeping together?
“I know, right? I haven’t told anybody except Ty and you.”
“What about Rose?”
“Nope, not even her. She’s been too busy. But I’m going to tell her as soon as I hang up with you.”
“What about our moms?” This really surprises me, that she hasn’t told them yet. It seems like they would’ve been the first people she shared her news with, even before Ty.
“Nope. They’re going to go nuts over it—beyond insane. I want them to just enjoy this trip without thinking about me or you or anything else that’s going on. Ty and I decided it’s better to let them in on it later.”
I nod. “That’s probably a good idea.” I feel a hand on my leg and look down. Sadie is tapping me with her finger.
“Hold on a second.” I look at Sadie. “What’s the matter, honey? Do you need something?”
“I want to talk on the phone.” She holds out her hand.
“You want to talk on this phone?” I point at it.
“Yes, I want to talk on your phone because I don’t have my own phone.”
“How about we call your daddy and we can talk to him on the phone?”
She shakes her head. “No, I want to talk on the phone now. To your sister.”
I go back to the call. “Amber, do you have a minute to talk to Sadie?”
“By Sadie, you mean the little girl you’re sitting with right now? Sam’s daughter?”
“Uh, yeah.” I wish I could tell her that I know how awkward this is and that she doesn’t have to do it if she doesn’t want to, but I don’t want to hurt Sadie’s feelings.
“Sure,” Amber says, full of spunk. “Put her on the phone.”
“Okay.” I hand my cell over to Sadie and help her get it up to her ear.
“Hello,” Sadie says, with the sweet voice of a tiny angel.
I hear my sister’s answer. “Hello, Sadie. It’s nice to meet you. I’m Amber.”
“Oh. Hi, Amber. What are you doing?”
I can’t hear my sister’s response. Sadie lets go of the strap of her backpack. “Oh.” She pauses. “Do you want to know what I’m doing?”
She waits for a minute and then continues. “I’m riding in a car with Emerald. You know her name isn’t a real one. Her name is a color. It looks like green but it’s more shiny.”
There’s a long pause and then Sadie looks up at me. She puts the phone on her chest. “Did you know that Amber is a color too?”
I nod as I smile. “I did know that.”
Sadie puts the phone on her ear again. “How come your mommy named you colors?”
I don’t hear Amber’s answer, but it seems to satisfy Sadie. “Okay. That’s all I want to say. Bye-bye.” Sadie presses a button on the phone and hands it back to me.
I put my ear to it but there’s no one there. “You hung up.” I look at her in surprise.
“I know.” She looks at me like I’m crazy. “I was done talking.”
“Well, okay then.” This kid is too much. I slide the phone into my purse and try really hard not to laugh. All this time when Sam was talking to me about Sadie, I was seeing her as a job he had to do—a very difficult burden he was going to have to shoulder for the rest of his life. But after spending a couple days in her company, I’m definitely seeing her in a different light. She’s a joy to be around. A real hoot, actually. And I can imagine how she could actually lighten his load rather than make it heavier. The single-dad thing is not going to be easy for him for sure, but it’s not going to be awful either. Not with a little girl like Sadie around.
“You’re looking at me funny,” Sadie says.
“Am I?” I cross my eyes and stick my tongue out, using my hands next to my ears to make floppy reindeer antlers. “How about this look? Is this funny enough for ya?”
She giggles and then tries to imitate my movements. “What about this?!” she shrieks.
“Oh, hold that face . . . I need to get a picture of that.”
We spent the next thirty minutes making the ugliest faces we can come up with and taking pictures of them with my phone. By the time we reach the pinnacle of silliness, we’re pulling into the parking lot of a hotel next to the airport.
“That’ll be sixty-five bucks, on the nose,” the driver says, shutting off the engine.
Sadie quickly unzips the front of her backpack and pulls out a quarter, handing it to me.
“What’s this?” I ask, holding it up.
“Sixty-five bucks for his nose,” she says, turning to face straight ahead with her chin up.
I reach over the seat and hand it to the guy. “Here you go. Sixty-five bucks for your nose.”
Sadie starts laughing into her hand and snorts a little, glancing at me with a coconspirator’s glee. I give her a quick, gentle pinch on the cheek and then dig through my bag to come up with the rest of the fare plus tip we owe him. I hand that over too as the man rolls his eyes at us.
Sadie and I get out together at the sidewalk and grab my suitcase before walking hand in hand up to the hotel reception desk.
“This is a fun adventure,” Sadie says.
“It sure is.” I can’t stop grinning.