CHAPTER FIFTY-ONE
When the last of them are gone, Sally shuts the front door and locks it.
“We never lock the door,” Rose says, sounding a little shocked.
“I wouldn’t put it past those two younger ones to try and sneak in later,” she says, eyeing Amber and me.
Rose snorts. “I don’t think you need to worry about them sneaking in as much as you need to worry about my sisters unlocking that door for them.”
I exchange glances with Amber and smile. I’m not going to deny the fact that after everyone else is asleep I’m going to find Sam and bring him back into my bed. It’s where he belongs, after all. How long he’ll be able to stay there, I don’t know, but what I do know is that I can’t imagine ever wanting to sleep without him again.
“So, where do we go from here?” Carol asks.
“Let’s sit down and talk it out,” Amber says, looking excited about the prospect.
I moan. “Must we?”
Rose yawns. “I’m with Em. I’m exhausted.”
“It won’t take long. I just want to clear the air about a few things and get some questions answered,” Barbara says. She looks as serious as I’ve ever seen her.
We all find seats and wait. Carol speaks first. “I know a lot of information is flying around, all of it over twenty years old. After spending two weeks with the band in Japan, a lot of things became clear to us. We made mistakes. They made mistakes. But I think we’ve all agreed . . .” She waits for her girlfriends to nod before continuing. “That it’s pointless to try to figure out who’s to blame for what. We just didn’t communicate with the men we loved, and that was our biggest error. It’s the one thing we will always regret.”
“I don’t think you should,” I say.
“Why’s that?” she asks. All of our mothers lean in to hear my answer.
“Because. Look at our lives.” I gesture all around us. “We grew up in paradise. We’re educated. We’re surrounded by love and always have been. We’ve been allowed our privacy and safety.” I pause to look at Amber, who nods. “Now we can choose how to move forward. No one is making the choice for us.”
“So you’re glad we came out here and lived the way we did?” Sally asks.
I nod. “Yes, I am. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Would I have loved to have a father, too? Maybe. Probably. But having those men as fathers comes with strings.”
“Strings?” Carol asks.
“Yeah. Like a lack of privacy,” Amber says. “You can’t truly value it until it’s been taken from you.”
I nod, remembering how freaked out Amber was when the press was hounding her about Ty and the band. She knows how to handle them now, but in the beginning it was messy.
“I don’t regret anything either,” Rose says. “I’m very happy, fathers present or not.” She pauses, looking at each of us in turn before continuing. “Plenty of people have fathers around who they don’t like . . . men who’ve squashed their spirit or independence. I’m not saying these men of Red Hot would have done that, but what if they had? Or what if they were gone all the time touring and we had to live with the fact that their careers were more important to them than being with us was? Whatever . . . there are so many issues we could have had to deal with that we just didn’t . . . because you all chose to leave. I love the way I was raised, and I wouldn’t change that for anything.”
I nod. Rose is saying exactly what’s in my heart. “I second that emotion.”
“And you?” Barbara asks Amber.
“I agree. I agree with all of you. Regret gets us nowhere. I don’t believe any of you acted with malice, including Darrell. He was young too, don’t forget, with stars in his eyes and big plans for his future. And no matter what you think about him as a person, thanks to him, we got this life together.” She pauses while that sinks in. I’m almost persuaded to like the guy, even though I’m pretty sure everyone else hates him.
“Without Darrell being the jerk he was at the time . . . without the rest of the band being so self-centered . . . without our moms deciding it was best to take Ted’s advice and leave without sharing their secrets . . . I never would have met Ty.” She puts her hand on her belly. “And I wouldn’t be having this baby.” She looks up with tears in her eyes. “How can I possibly regret any of it?”
I put my arms around her and then Rose hugs us. Our moms come over and join in.
“You are such a smart little girl, my Amber,” Barbara says.
“Our Amber,” Carol insists.
“Yes. Ours,” Sally says. “All three girls are my girls and your girls and our girls. We are the luckiest family I know.”
A tiny voice comes from the stairs.
“Why is everybody hugging?”
The hug breaks up and the women wipe their wet faces as I climb a few steps to Sadie and pick her up. “Did we wake you, sweetie?”
She rubs her eyes. “Yes.” She looks around. “Where’s my daddy?”
“He’s still outside. Do you want to see him?”
All the women are watching us, but I’m not nervous. Being with Sadie seems as natural to me as being with my sisters or my mothers.
“Can he come inside and read me a story? I miss my mommy.”
“Of course he can,” says Barbara, walking quickly to the door. “Sam!” she yells, after unlocking the door and throwing it open. “Sadie needs you!”
I roll my eyes as the sound of pounding feet comes to my ears. Sam mounts the steps in record time and appears red-faced in the threshold. “What’s the matter?”
Sadie hangs on to my neck but holds one arm out at him. “Hug.”
His face instantly relaxes as he strides over and joins our little lovefest. My heart swells to ten times its normal size, feeling like it’s going to bust right out of my chest cavity as his arms wrap gently around us. Life with Sam is so good right now; I don’t want it to end.
“Hey, if he gets to sleep inside, so does Ty,” Amber says, pretending to sound put out.
“Fine. Call your man in. But no one else,” Carol says, a smile in her voice.
“Ty! No bus for you! Come inside.”
A chorus of boos follows him up. He turns around at the door and yells behind him, “See ya later, suckas!” He slams the door shut and strides over to Amber, picking her up and spinning her around. She squeals in delight and then they stop so they can make out.
“Let’s get out of here,” I whisper.
Sadie giggles. “They’re kissing.”
“I know. Gross, right?” We run over to the stairs, Sadie bouncing on my hip.
“I saw you kiss my daddy,” she says, giggling some more.
“Uh-oh,” I say, feeling a little guilty about that.
She puts her hands on my cheeks, making me stop our ascent up the stairs halfway. “That’s okay. Because I love you and he loves you, and when people love each other, they kiss.” She leans in and kisses me right on the eye.
“Oh. Okay. Now I can’t see anything, but that’s all right.” My heart is a puddle of goo. It’s both scary and amazing to have Sadie declare her love for me like this. In this moment, my life is awesome, but it could go very bad, very quickly. What will happen when she’s forced to leave me, when Sam finds a place to live? It could be all the way in New York . . . or California, even. I have no idea what the future holds, but I’m hoping it won’t need to change too much. I really love this little nugget in my arms.
She laughs and laughs, kissing me all over my face as I feel my way up the stairs.
“Somebody woke up in a good mood,” Sam says.
When we get to Sadie’s room, I hand her over to her dad. “Actually, this little girl woke up missing her momma, so you have been asked to read her a bedtime story before she goes back to sleep.” I don’t want to be so wrapped up in her love for me that I forget she’s in mourning right now. My top priority, for as long as I have a say in the matter, anyway, is to make sure she’s moving past her mother’s death in a healthy way.
I start to leave the room, but Sam stops me by taking my hand. “Do I really get to stay?”
I nod. “I’ll see you down the hall when you’re done.”
He nods, and there’s no mistaking the smoldering look he gives me. I resist the urge to rush back to my room, walking gracefully instead. And I take my time in the bathroom, too, showering, brushing my teeth and hair, getting ready for a night like no other.
My life has taken so many twists and turns these past few weeks, it’s almost unbelievable. But I handled it. And even though I was afraid throughout much of it, I stuck it out and came out okay. I’m a little bruised, but not broken. And whatever hurt I felt is going to fade out under the bright light of Sam’s and Sadie’s kindness and love. No matter how long this thing between us lasts, I will not regret taking this chance on them, because they are worth it and so am I.