Chapter Fourteen

WHEN Ethan was in the hospital after his accident-that-wasn’t-an-accident, he played with his penis all the time. He didn’t remember it, but his father had told him. He’d needed to learn again about being private and that people got uncomfortable when Ethan pulled his penis out and stroked it, especially when they were talking about other things. One time, he started playing with it while his parents talked with another visitor about the traffic on the way to the hospital, which Ethan thought was hilarious when his Dad told him, but Dad said it wasn’t funny.

He played with himself a lot while Carter was downstairs, tugging and tugging, but his penis never got hard. Maybe it would never get hard again, but Ethan tugged on it anyway and touched the head with his thumb in the special way he liked. Even though he couldn’t remember what he’d done in the hospital, he could guess why he’d played with himself. He’d wanted something of himself to hold onto, and his penis had always been there for him, but now it shrunk away from his touch. Carter’s sandwich was going stale beside him, and Ethan hadn’t touched the milk except for taking his pills. He was being bad, he knew, but Carter didn’t scold him. He just looked worried, and that was worse. Ethan pulled the blanket over his head so he didn’t have to see.

Carter climbed in bed in his boxers and T-shirt. Ethan hadn’t realized it was time to sleep. He slept almost all day anyway. Carter’s penis pressed against Ethan’s leg, but it was soft like Ethan’s. Ethan petted it over the fabric, feeling clumsy, but Carter moved Ethan’s hand to Carter’s hip. “You have to promise me to get out of bed tomorrow.”

Ethan nodded. Promises didn’t mean anything unless he said them out loud. Carter kicked in his sleep and thrashed around until Ethan gathered him up and held him. He was good at protecting Carter while they were safe in Carter’s house. His penis stirred, like it agreed, but it didn’t get hard. Carter rolled into Ethan’s arms.

He didn’t get up in the morning, anyway, and he ignored Carter when he reminded Ethan of his promise. He took all his pills, though, including the antidepressant. Dad woke him up knocking on the door and called, “Pal? Hey, Pal, can I come in?” But Ethan yelled for him to go away and Dad said “I love you” and “I’ll come back” and then Ethan heard him walking away. Ethan almost wished that he’d come in, but then he remembered he was angry at Dad for lying.

Carter brought him a new sandwich later and situated himself on the bed to work.

“Want to be alone.” Ethan poked Carter to make him move.

“My house, Ethan,” Carter said. Ethan prodded him until Carter smacked his hand, but it was a light smack, not like Carter was trying to hurt him. He didn’t even move when Ethan flung the covers off to tug on his penis, but after Ethan started to cry because he’d never get hard again, not ever, Carter reached down to cover Ethan’s hand with one of his and together they held it. Carter kissed Ethan’s ear. “I love you.”

Ethan couldn’t express all the emotions Carter made him feel. He hid his face in Carter’s neck. “You’re the best thing, Carter. You’re the best thing in the world.” Carter squeezed his penis, but Ethan still didn’t get hard. He held onto Carter, tight. Carter must have recognized how much Ethan needed Carter, because he squeezed back and hooked his leg around Ethan’s legs and kissed him and kissed him and kissed him.

Ethan breathed hard when they broke apart.

“You know,” Carter said, “dicks don’t like it when their owners don’t eat. Maybe you could try a bite of the sandwich?”

Ethan twisted so he could look down between his legs. His penis looked a little red from rubbing against Carter, but it didn’t hurt. Maybe a sandwich would help. “I guess I’ll try it.” Carter might be making that up, but he didn’t make stuff up much. Carter smiled big, and that made Ethan glad. He chomped into the sandwich. In seconds, he realized he was starving.

“Oh thank God,” Carter said. “Your dad said if you didn’t eat by tomorrow, you’d have to go to the hospital.”

“Don’t like it,” Ethan said, with a full mouth. “Did force feeding before. It’s not any good.”

“No. I bet it’s not.”

He took another bite and shoved almost half the sandwich into his mouth. “Hurts. This is good.”

“See?” Carter wiped a crumb off Ethan’s cheek with his thumb. “You’ve been missing out on my grandma’s strawberry jam. She mailed it special.”

Ethan licked crumbs off his lips and reached for the milk.

“Will you come downstairs? Please?”

“Can we watch a movie?” He did feel a little better after eating. Maybe getting up wouldn’t be so bad.

“Sure.”

Pushing Carter’s papers away, Ethan fixed him with a stern expression. “No work.”

Carter smiled. “No work.”

“Okay.” Ethan kissed Carter’s nose. “Let’s go.”

Downstairs, they settled on the couch to watch a movie. Ethan wanted popcorn, but Carter made him eat a bowl of soup first. It was chicken, and the brand Ethan liked, so that was okay. They cuddled under the blanket during the film. Ethan tried not to stare too much at Carter because Carter didn’t like being stared at, which Ethan understood, but Carter’s tics were worse. He made more noises now, like spitting, but without actually spitting, and he clicked his tongue. Carter didn’t say anything about it, so Ethan didn’t either. Maybe Carter didn’t know. Ethan liked watching Carter’s mouth and seeing his tongue. He put his thumb out for Carter to suck and wished it was his penis when Carter grinned at him and grabbed his hand and really went for it.

“I wish you’d suck on my penis,” Ethan said.

Carter grinned bigger and shimmied beneath the blanket and a second later Ethan felt Carter’s hands on his waistband and then Carter’s mouth was on him. It felt great. He got hard, but not all the way, not even after ten minutes. Carter didn’t seem to mind, though, which was probably because Ethan had a big penis and it was difficult for Carter to take it all into his mouth when Ethan was ready for sex.

“Hey.” Carter slid back up and straddled Ethan’s lap. He reached down to stroke Ethan’s penis. “It’s stress. You know, you got a big shock. Can’t expect the little guy to be up and ready after that. It’ll be okay.”

“What do you mean, little?” Ethan asked. He gave Carter a pretend glare, which made Carter laugh. Ethan felt a little better, though, because he’d been worried about his penis, but what Carter said made sense. They kissed. Ethan tilted his neck so Carter could reach Ethan’s favorite places. Carter’s penis was hard through his sweatpants, so Ethan flipped him over and dragged them down so he could suck it. He loved sucking Carter’s penis because Carter made a lot of noise and it was exciting to hear him. Plus, Ethan loved how Carter said his name, like he wanted the whole world to hear it, which was funny because Carter didn’t like talking about sex except in private.

When Carter made semen in Ethan’s mouth, Ethan swallowed everything and sucked out every drop. Then he pushed his tongue into Carter’s slit until Carter stopped saying his name and went “uhh” and turned flat and floppy in his whole body. He was difficult to move like that, so Ethan nudged up behind him, which was a tight fit on the couch. He held Carter’s penis as it went soft. He liked to touch it, almost as much as he liked touching his own. Carter blinked a few times, his mouth hung open in a yawn, and he wasn’t ticcing any. Ethan kissed him and swished his tongue around in Carter’s mouth to share Carter’s taste. The rest of the movie was pretty good, not that Carter saw any of it. He slept. Ethan stayed quiet so he wouldn’t wake him. He could tell Carter about what he missed later.

AFTER Carter convinced Ethan to eat, Ethan started spending time downstairs, but he still refused to see anyone except Carter. That left Carter to field the calls. Vera had gotten Carter’s home phone number and called daily. He also received calls late at night accompanied by shouting in the background and the caller swearing at someone to be quiet, which seemed to come from Ethan’s friends at the beach, though the rotating callers—the shouting remained the same—never identified themselves.

“You don’t want to see your friends?” Carter asked. He hung up the phone after promising either Frankie or Rolla—their voices had the same rough timbre—that he’d tell Ethan about the call.

“No.”

“What about Elliot?” Elliot had returned to school. Carter saw him every morning and afternoon when the school bus came. He never glanced at Carter’s house, instead keeping his head fixed forward until he disappeared into his home.

“No.”

At least Ethan was eating. He’d done a full turn around on his hunger strike and now gobbled down anything in Carter’s kitchen that didn’t require preparation. Using the hand-vac, Carter vacuumed up cracker crumbs from the couch and threw away empty boxes that Ethan left scattered around.

“You could help,” Carter said.

“’M sad,” Ethan said.

“I dare you to ever say that to my mother and see if it gets you out of housework.”

Ethan blinked his big eyes and solemnly lifted his feet for Carter to vacuum under. In addition to ignoring Carter’s attempts to get him to help clean around the house, Ethan paid no attention when Carter mentioned that he might like to take a shower and clean himself. He hadn’t washed since the night he arrived, but Carter couldn’t blame him for avoiding it after that meltdown.

Figuring that having Ethan out of bed was better than nothing, Carter let him carry on watching television on the couch and acting like cheesy fish-shaped crackers were a treat. For lunch and dinner each day, Carter made sandwiches, which Ethan ate even though he’d spent the day munching.

Carter had been inside as long as Ethan. He didn’t notice time passing when avoiding people was his idea, but when it wasn’t his choice, he discovered he felt like a caged animal. He stood out in the yard sometimes, looking up to the sky for Ethan’s music while Ethan stayed inside and wouldn’t come out. “No music now,” Ethan said when Carter returned, and Carter nodded because he hadn’t heard anything. That was the most infuriating thing, and the aspect that Carter suspected had the biggest effect on Ethan. Ethan’s learning the truth of his accident had stolen the music from him. Ethan showed only mild interest when Carter pulled out their song, but at least it was interest. Carter started “forgetting” the folder on the coffee table in an attempt to entice Ethan with it.

He played his guitar. Days that he earned a hum from Ethan, never mind a sung word, were worthy of celebration.

Two weeks, maybe more, of being inside and Carter wanted to explode. Ethan wasn’t getting better. Everything was rote, even his kisses. Carter couldn’t blame him for that; Ethan’s erections continued to elude him, and Carter had begun to suspect that his own arousal embarrassed Ethan because he couldn’t reciprocate.

When Ethan left the kitchen looking like it was a cereal war zone, Carter gathered up the junk food and surveyed his pantry. Ethan, up from the couch, stood in the doorway watching. “I need to go for groceries. Can I leave you here alone?” Carter asked.

“Yeah.”

“Do you want to come? You can wait in the car.” He inquired with empty hope, although he wished Ethan would say yes.

Ethan had dragged the comforter off the bed and was walking around the house with it wrapped around his shoulders. “No.”

“All right. Do you want anything?”

“Cheetos.” He answered without hesitation, leaving Carter to wonder how long he’d had the craving and not said anything. That was worrying too. Ethan always said what he wanted; his depression made him almost a different person.

“Okay.”

Carter didn’t let himself think on the drive to the store. He needed time for himself. Liz and Nolan had both been over a few times and sat next to Ethan on the couch while he refused to speak. When they got up, they’d kissed Ethan on the head. After the first time, Ethan started carrying the blanket around so he could cover his head with it. He yanked it up like a shield the next time they came.

At the store, Carter bought Cheetos, but he also bought apples, bananas, oranges and peaches. Maybe he could get Ethan to eat those instead of crackers. At the checkout, a drunk man argued with the person in front of him. The urge to tic centered in Carter’s arm. Gripping the shopping cart, he held on until it passed. He didn’t need to get involved in a confrontation while Ethan waited for him. One touch payment with his card made checking out easy. He was back on the road fifteen minutes after he parked in the store’s lot. His phone rang as he began the drive home.

“Mom?”

“It’s your father!” His dad’s booming voice, always ripe with cheer, filled the car through the phone’s hands-free speaker. “I’m on the road, heading over to Pensacola. Thought I’d call and see how my boy’s doing. Everything okay out there in—where’d you move to?”

“Santa Josephina,” Carter said. His father sold farm insurance all over the South. Long hours on the road prompted him to call anyone he could to help pass the time, but he hadn’t called Carter in awhile. “It’s fine. Dad, look, I’m driving right now. Can I call you back?”

“Something wrong?” Dad’s voice slid down into a more serious mode.

“No, I’m fine. I just have a lot on my mind.”

“You can always talk to me.”

“I know.” It was a common lie. Dad said it all the time, but Carter knew that if he ever took him up on it, his father would make the time between his calls even longer. “Everything’s great. The new house is beautiful.”

“Mom and I can’t wait to come out and see it. How’s October for you?”

That was a few months away. “Yeah, sure.” Plenty of time for them to change their minds.

“You making new friends?”

“Alice comes up.”

“Anyone local?”

“A few people.” Ethan’s friends counted, didn’t they?

“Good. Good. You have a boyfriend?”

“Well….”

“You do!” The cheer returned. Carter couldn’t help but smile. “Tell me about him!”

“He lives next door—”

“Convenient.”

“Yeah. With his family. He’s actually… he’s not feeling well at the moment, so I’m kind of in a hurry to get back to him.”

“Oh, sure, I understand. I’ll let you go. Next time we’ll get Mom on the phone and you can tell both of us all about him. You seem happy. Are you?”

Carter answered without hesitation. “Yes. I am.”

“Good. I love you, Carter.”

“I love you too.”

Carter ended the call. He didn’t know why he hadn’t told his father about Ethan’s brain damage. It was a difficult thing to discuss over the phone, and how could he explain that aspect of Ethan and nothing else? That would be unfair to both of them. On the other hand, his mother would wonder why he’d never mentioned Ethan to her. The cat was out now. He didn’t think she’d be surprised. He was slower to reveal his relationships with each new one, as he waited to see how they would go wrong. But he and Ethan weren’t going wrong. If anything, they were going unfailingly right. Pulling into his driveway, he parked and carried the groceries into the house.

“I’m home!”

Ethan sat on the couch with the blanket wrapped around him so he looked like a marshmallow. “Ethan?” Carter hesitated because he couldn’t see his face. What if he hadn’t been able to handle being alone? “I’m sorry if I took too long. There was a guy causing trouble at the store and then my dad called….”

Ethan turned around. From the blanket cocoon, his gaze swept across Carter and over the bags in his arms. “Bananas?”

Carter glanced down to see them poking out of the top of one of the bags. “Yeah. I got a bunch of fruit.”

“And Cheetos?”

“Yes. But if you get any cheese dust on the comforter, I won’t be happy.”

Flinging the blanket off himself, Ethan stood up. “I’ll get bowls,” he said, and led the way into the kitchen. They sat at the table. Carter convinced him to eat a banana, and ate one himself, before Ethan started devouring the Cheetos.

“What did you do while I was out?”

“Tried to jerk off.” Ethan finished chewing before he answered. “Didn’t work.”

Carter offered an apple. “Maybe fruit will help.” He didn’t know if fruit would have any effect, but it had to be better than the crap Ethan had been eating.

“Maybe.” Ethan didn’t look convinced, but he grabbed the apple anyway. Biting into it, he studied Carter. “I’ll get better, right?”

Carter didn’t know what to say; he wasn’t a doctor, and Ethan’s troubles were beyond his capacity to help. He got up and hugged Ethan instead. “I’m here for you, no matter what.” It was the most honest response he could give. Ethan, still holding the apple, hugged him back.

“I’m sorry. I know I’m being stupid. But I can’t—I like it here with you. I feel safe here.”

Bending to kiss Ethan’s neck, and pulling away with the taste of dried sweat on his lips, Carter nuzzled Ethan’s hair. “You have to go outside someday. You’re too social not to.” He crouched down to look in Ethan’s downcast eyes. “I’m almost a hermit and I need people. I can’t imagine what it’s like for a butterfly like you.”

Ethan’s mouth twitched and he smiled. “What color butterfly am I?”

Kneeling on the floor, Carter slid into Ethan’s arms. “Every color. You’re every one.”