Chapter Fifteen

 

THERE was no point in going outside. The clouds didn’t sing to him anymore. Ethan stood in the backdoor, considering stepping out. He closed his eyes and listened to the wind rustling the leaves of the tree that grew in the middle of Carter’s yard. Sadness sat in the pit of his stomach. He pressed on his belly, but he couldn’t massage it away.

“Ethan?” Carter squeezed in next to him and wrapped his arms around Ethan’s waist. “Are you okay?”

“I wish I never knew what happened.”

Carter didn’t say anything. Ethan pulled away from him and went back into the house. Stopping to get the blanket off the couch, he went upstairs to get into bed. He moved into the bedroom in darkness. Through the window, he spotted the light on in his bedroom at his house. Ethan moved closer to look. Elliot sat at Ethan’s desk. It looked like he was doing his homework, but that didn’t make sense. Elliot always did it at the table downstairs. Ethan pressed his nose to the window. Elliot looked up. For a moment their eyes met. Then Elliot grabbed up his notebook and left the room, leaving Ethan to stare at the now-dark window.

“I brought you a snack,” Carter said. “S’mores. Sort of. I had to melt the marshmallows in the microwave.” Ethan turned to see him holding out a plate.

“Don’t feel like it.”

Carter’s mouth turned down, but he nodded. “Okay. Do you want me to rub your back?”

Instead of responding, Ethan got into bed and turned his back to Carter. He heard rustling as Carter took his pants off and then Carter got in bed. He kissed Ethan’s head above his ear. “I miss you.”

“I’m right here,” Ethan said. He snuggled down in his pillow and waited for Carter to start rubbing. He fell asleep to Carter’s steady strokes down his back and the jumble of clicks, coughs, and pops that spilled from his mouth.

 

 

ETHAN’S nightmares, before he learned the truth, had been red and angry and without clear pictures. He couldn’t tell anything from them, except that they frightened him and made him feel bad. Now he dreamed about Mike and Douglas. They sat at their table in the coffee shop. Douglas had his hood up like always. Mike had no face. They sat, faceless, and drank their coffee.

“Why did you hurt me?” Ethan asked.

They didn’t answer.

He screamed at them to answer.

“Ethan.” Ethan batted away Carter’s nudge. “Your mom’s here. She needs to talk to you. Is that all right?” Carter nudged again.

“Don’t want to see her.”

“I think you’d better talk to her. It’s important today, all right?”

“Did something happen?” Ethan pried his eyes open to see that Carter was already dressed. He looked worried. Ethan sat up.

“Tell me I can let her come up. Please.”

“Okay.” Ethan pulled the comforter up to his chin as he waited. Carter had left the door open, so he heard Mom on the stairs. She knocked on the doorjamb before she stepped into the room.

“Thanks for letting me in, Pal.”

“Carter said it was important.” Mom hadn’t brushed her hair. It was pulled back into a ponytail, and frazzled short curls framed her face. She had on one of Dad’s T-shirts and a pair of khaki capris. No makeup.

Coming around to his side of the bed, she kissed him on his forehead. “I need to ask you to do something.”

He shuffled away. “What?”

“Elliot got into trouble. I want you to go to the police station with me to get him.”

“Do I have to?” Elliot didn’t want to see him. If he did, he would have stayed to wave at Ethan when Ethan saw him through the window.

“No, you don’t have to, but I’d like you to.” Mom sounded tired. Maybe she needed Ethan to go in case she fell asleep driving.

“Can I come back here after?”

“Yes.”

That relieved his one worry that she would try to stop him, even though he was an adult and could do what he wanted. “Okay. I guess I will then.”

Ethan waited until she’d gone downstairs before he sat up. Something about being covered made him want to uncover without anyone watching.

Carter hugged him when Ethan went downstairs. “I’m working while you’re out, so don’t be long.”

Ethan glanced at his mother. “We won’t,” she said.

“Okay,” Ethan said. He stepped outside and felt the sun warm him like an old friend. He raised his face toward it. Across the street, the Radlington kids ran around. Mrs. Radlington waved at him from her knees in the flower garden. Ethan got in the van.

“Ethan. Honey.” Mom didn’t talk until they were on the road. “How are you feeling?”

“Fine.”

“‘Fine’, everything’s good, or ‘fine’ so I’ll stop asking how you are?”

“The second one.” Ethan knew it was stupid to think anything would change in the world because he’d been angry and sad, but he was still disappointed. He wanted to roll down the window and yell at people that things had changed for him, so they should stop rollerblading and driving and buying donuts. They should stop until he was ready to start again.

“I’m glad you’re talking to me.”

Ethan rested his head on the window.

“Are you sleeping well?”

“Yeah. With Carter.”

“Are you having nightmares?”

“Sometimes.”

Mom glanced at him. “I’ve worried about you.”

“Yeah.”

“I saw Vera at Pepper’s. She wonders when you’re coming back to work.”

He rubbed his knee. “Never.”

“Sweetie, you love your job.”

“Not if Mike and Douglas are there.”

“Vera banned them. She told me. And I checked for myself. They weren’t there.”

He didn’t want to go back there anyway. “Why didn’t you tell me the truth?”

“Dad and I thought it was the best thing to do. Elliot was so young and you didn’t remember. We wanted you to start fresh, to not have to think about bad things.”

“It’s why I had nightmares, isn’t it? I was thinking about bad things.” It was easier to say it to the window than her face.

“I can only say I’m sorry. If we could do it again….”

“You’d tell me?” He clung to the idea that his parents would be honest.

She squeezed his shoulder. “One day you might have kids of your own, and then you’ll learn that there’s a difference between honesty and protection.”

It wasn’t the answer he wanted. He shifted away from her hand. It wasn’t fair that she wanted him to talk about what had happened, but without giving him any details. “How do you feel?” but not “Let me tell you what happened and how we lied to you.” He didn’t want to talk about how he felt. It was easier to hide.

 

 

THE wooden bench made Ethan’s bottom hurt, but Mom had told him to wait on it, so he squirmed a little and stayed put.

“Are you all right, honey? Need another soda?” the police officer spoke from behind her desk.

Ethan held up the one he already had, which he had only opened and not drunk. “No thank you.” Next to him, a six-year-old boy sat with a dripping ice cream cone and on the other end of the bench, a man with unwashed hair was handcuffed to the bench’s arm. The boy sniffled. He’d been picked up wandering around a playground and was waiting for his mother to come get him.

Through the window in a door that led to a room with desks and more police, Ethan watched Mom talking to Officer Johnson. Elliot sat beside Johnson’s desk staring at his feet. Ethan couldn’t hear them, but those were Mom’s shouting movements. A few minutes later, she emerged with Elliot. They stopped at the desk to sign a paper, and then Mom grabbed Ethan’s hand and hustled him outside.

“What happened?” Ethan asked. “Is Elliot in trouble?”

Elliot headed to the van, got in the back and slammed the door. He put his headphones on.

“Don’t worry about it.”

“But….”

“Ethan,” Mom said. “Get in the van.”

Ethan got in the van.

They were halfway home before Elliot broke the silence. “You’re not going to tell him?” Elliot asked. “Not going to tell him what I did?”

“What did you do?” Ethan asked.

“I broke the taillights on Mike’s car.”

“Why?”

“What the fuck do you mean, ‘why’, Ethan? Because he’s an asshole.”

“That is no excuse to turn to a life of crime,” Mom said.

“Overreact much, Mom?”

Mom reached behind her and smacked Elliot’s leg. “I’ll show you overreacting, young man.”

Elliot grumbled and put his headphones back on.

Ethan tried to imagine Elliot breaking Mike’s taillights. He didn’t know Elliot was that angry. Ethan hadn’t done anything about Mike and Douglas. He didn’t want to hurt them or take it out on their things. He wanted to forget about them. He’d been all right thinking about Before. He had it categorized and slotted, but now he had to fit hate into it. How had someone hated him enough to beat him almost to death? Ethan could spend a thousand hours thinking about it and never understand.

“Do you want to come home, Ethan?” Mom asked.

“Want to go to Carter’s.”

“All right.” It stayed quiet in the van until Mom dropped him off. She stopped in the road instead of pulling into Carter’s driveway, but she got out and gave him a hug.

“Dad and I love you.”

“Love you too.” He glanced at Elliot, who didn’t look up from his phone. Turning away, Ethan made his way up to the house. The door was unlocked. “Carter?” Ethan expected Carter to be waiting for him, but he didn’t see him. “I’m back!” He called again as he walked further into the living room. Then he saw Carter’s foot on the couch’s arm. Moving around to the front, the rest of Carter’s body came into view. He was fast asleep. Ethan eased a sheet of music from beneath Carter’s cheek. Other papers were spread on the floor in front of him. Ethan sat on the coffee table. He’d never seen Carter fall asleep while he worked. Leaning in, he examined Carter’s face. He had bags beneath his eyes. They twitched beneath his closed lids. His cheeks looked pale.

Noticing a bowl of chips on the table, Ethan reached in for one. He munched it as he continued to watch Carter. Carter didn’t move in his sleep, except for his eyes. His mouth hung partially open so Ethan could see his tongue. He didn’t know Carter was so tired. When he woke up, Ethan would tell him to sleep more. He found a small blanket and draped it over Carter’s shoulders.

 

 

ETHAN didn’t cook, so when a crashing pan drew Carter out of his sleep, he woke with alarm. Before he lifted his head, he sniffed for kitchen disaster scents—burning, gas and otherwise. He didn’t smell anything. He heard voices, though. One was Liz’s, and he thought the other might be Alice’s. Alice. Shit. Now he did sit up. He kicked away a blanket that he couldn’t remember putting on himself, and swept his hands out to gather up the music on the floor. He wasn’t finished. He’d intended to be done before Alice arrived. He must have fallen asleep. Didn’t know how tired I was. But his sleeping to midafternoon didn’t explain what Alice and Liz were doing in his kitchen. Stretching, he let out an uncovered yawn and went to see.

Alice emerged from the kitchen and headed him off before he could go in. “Let’s go see what you’ve got for me.”

Carter glimpsed Liz standing in front of the stove. Her body blocked what was on it, but she was stirring. He gave into Alice’s pressure on his elbow and turned around. “I’m not done.”

“I’ll take what you have.” She escorted him back to the couch, sat down, and patted a spot next to her. “Is this it?”

“That’s the unfinished part.” Carter waved her away from the sheets he’d gathered up and set on the coffee table. Going to his desk, he found the finished work and brought it back. The bowl of chips he’d set out earlier was empty. He picked it up anyway and ran his thumb along the bottom for crumbs.

Alice paged through the sheets, pausing to sip from a mug of coffee she’d brought from the kitchen.

“You aren’t really looking at that, are you?” Carter asked.

“Just waiting for the right time to ask how you’re doing.”

“Me? I’m fine.”

“Have you looked in the mirror lately?”

Carter rubbed his face. A week’s stubble scratched his hand. “Scared to.”

“Carter. How are you? Really?”

Carter covered his eyes. Sleep crusted around them. His eyelashes brushed his hand, caught up in his usual blinking flurry. Was it worse than usual? He could never judge that tic. He pulled his hands away. “I’m fine.” The sensation of someone behind him made Carter turn around.

“I brought you a glass of water,” Ethan said. He pushed it into Carter’s hand. “I thought you’d be thirsty.”

Carter stared at the glass and then at Ethan and Alice, who watched him with equal intensity. “What’s going on?”

“Aren’t you going to drink it?” Ethan asked. “I brought it for you.”

“Will you tell me why you two are acting so weird if I do? And why your mom is here?”

“Uh-huh.” Ethan nodded. With his palm facing up, he gestured that Carter should get on with it. Carter downed half the glass. It helped him wake up some.

“So? Talk.”

“I’m going to see if Liz needs anything.” Alice excused herself before Carter could protest. Ethan took her place.

“Am I making you tired?”

“What?” Carter leaned away to get a better view of Ethan’s face. “No. Why would you think that?”

“I wasn’t paying attention before, but today I learned that other people are sad about what happened too. And you haven’t been thinking about yourself since I came over.”

“It’s fine.” Carter reached for him, but Ethan shook his head, so Carter let his hand drop. “You needed me to focus on you.”

“You look really bad right now.”

“Uh. Thanks?”

Ethan didn’t crack a smile. “I told Alice when she came that you needed your sleep, and we sat down and talked. I decided that the best thing would be to ask Mom to come over because I can’t cook.”

“So you’re taking care of me now?” Carter asked. Ethan looked so earnest that Carter wanted to cuddle against him, but that same seriousness stopped him. Ethan was doing a big thing for him. Carter didn’t know what had happened to make Ethan have this realization, but it was clear that Ethan intended to follow through on it. The thought of having someone take care of him almost made Carter choke up. He swallowed the urge away. “Thank you.”

“I told Mom I’ll talk to Dr. Sorensen.”

Carter raised his head to meet Ethan’s gaze. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah.”

“Thank you.” Leaning forward, Carter kissed Ethan. His full lips held the remnants of coffee breath and reminded Carter that Ethan must have been in the kitchen. “So what’s for lunch?”

“Hamburger tomato stew.”

“Sounds good. Let’s go get something to eat.”

“Okay.” Ethan tugged Carter’s hand. “I’m still going to need you, even after I talk to the doctor.”

“I’ll always be here for you.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t know how tired you are.”

“You were caught up in other things. Hey.” Carter rubbed Ethan’s arm to draw his gaze back when Ethan turned his head down. “I wanted to take care of you. You probably won’t need me as much now.”

Ethan looked alarmed. “I will.” He grinned. “Once my penis can get hard again, I’m going need you a lot.”

Ethan patted Carter’s back as he choked on his coughs. “Ass,” Carter said when he could speak. “You better hope your mom didn’t hear that.”

“I already told her and Alice. Alice said thanks for telling her.”

“I don’t think she meant it. And now I can’t face them ever again.”

“Come on. Let’s eat. You’re hungry and I’m taking care of you now, remember?” Ignoring Carter’s attempt to sink into the floor, Ethan pulled him up. Carter was still burning with embarrassment when Ethan shoved him into the kitchen. Nolan was there too. Carter hoped he hadn’t been part of the penis conversation.

“Lunch is served,” Nolan said with a smile.

Alice winked at Carter. Shit. Carter wanted to die, but the stew smelled too good. “Where’s Elliot?” He took his spot at the table. Someone had found cloth place mats and set them out.

“He’s in school,” Liz said. “I dropped him off after I brought Ethan back.”

“How is he?”

“Grounded.” Liz had filled Carter in on the situation when she’d come to ask Ethan to go to the police station with her. Carter had figured it was worth a try for getting him out of the house, and it had obviously had an impact on Ethan.

Ethan stood back in the doorway. “Hi, Dad.”

“Hey, Pal.” Nolan moved to him with caution, as if he might flit away. “How you doing?” Ethan stayed still as Nolan touched his face.

“Thank you for coming over to help me.”

“Thank you for asking. We’re proud of you,” Nolan said.

“You’re not angry at me? For everything?”

“Of course not. We missed you, that’s all.”

Ethan flung his arms around his parents. Carter didn’t know if he should look away when Ethan started to cry. He felt oddly possessive of Ethan’s tears. He should be the one comforting him. Ethan might have had the same idea because he squeezed between his parents and stumbled, arms out, to Carter. He crashed into Carter with enough force to wobble the chair. “Got you, Ethan. You need to eat.”

“No, you need to,” Ethan said.

“Let’s all eat!” Alice broke in. She prompted Ethan toward a chair by pushing lightly on his shoulder. “You both look like you’re about to fall over.” Once they were squeezed in around the table, Liz dished out the stew. It was a thick, hearty mixture that married spices, tomato, and hamburger into a heavenly scent. Ethan looked blissed out as he slurped it from his spoon. Carter had emptied half his bowl before he slowed down enough to consider conversation. Without anything in it, his mouth took off doing its fits and starts. He glanced around the table. Ethan was the only one looking at him, but he did it with his usual affection, and not with an expression that said, “You’re acting like a freak.”

“The Dysons from down the street are moving,” Nolan said. “They asked if we want their upright piano. What do you think, Ethan?”

Ethan broke his gaze away from Carter. “Elliot would like it.”

“Mom and I thought so too.”

Carter breathed again. His lips popped on the end of it. No one even glanced at him. Feeling better, Carter dove into his stew once more as Alice asked Liz about the recipe. While they discussed it, Carter leaned over to whisper to Ethan. “Thank you.”

Ethan grabbed his face with both hands and kissed him. “You’re welcome. And thank you for everything too.”

“More stew?” Nolan asked.

“Yes, please,” Ethan said. After ladling stew for Ethan, Nolan filled Carter’s bowl without his answer. Carter grinned across the table at Alice. He still wasn’t sure what had happened, but he loved Ethan more than ever. Maybe things would change now, and he wouldn’t have to worry so much. Ethan could get back to normal, back to seeing his friends and laughing again.