Chapter Eleven

 

“ETHAN seems sweet,” John said. He perched on the end of his couch where Carter had his overnight bag open.

“He is,” Carter said. He stuffed his socks into the space left between his shirt and the side of the bag.

“I’m glad I got to meet him.”

“I’m glad you did, too.”

“There’s just one thing.”

“Uh-huh.” Carter kept his voice steady as he braced himself.

“I want to make it really clear that I have no issues with you dating someone with brain damage. That is not what this is about.” John put his hands up like he was warding something away.

“You haven’t told me what this is.”

“I’m worried about you.”

“Excuse me?”

John took a breath. “I need you to tell me that you aren’t dating Ethan because of your Tourette’s.”

“Excuse me?” Carter stepped away from the couch as his voice lifted a few notches.

“He’s different. You’re different. I don’t know, maybe the two of you came together, saw that connection, and….”

“Are you honestly worried about this?” John had never been involved in his other relationships, and Carter had dated jerks before. John hadn’t said a thing.

“Carter, you avoid people because of your stuttering and twitching. Are you able to tell me that you could have a relationship with someone who didn’t have problems of their own without feeling judged?”

“No.” As much as he didn’t want to hear it, John was only reflecting what Carter had worried about. Hell, he’d said it to Ethan the first time they’d met, right? We’re both freaks. So-called normal guys had trampled on him; why not head for someone damaged? But he’d been drawn to Ethan’s differences at first as a friend, not as a boyfriend. No, Carter’s decision to date Ethan had nothing to do with a brain injury or Tourette’s. If that were the case, they’d have started dating months ago. Carter had waited until he couldn’t deny his feelings any longer. He needed Ethan in his life.

John stood up. “Hey. Look, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.” Carter shrugged John’s hand off his shoulders.

“I like him a lot. Maybe it’s because we’re both damaged, but if you knew him, you’d understand. He’s amazing. He’s open and honest and I waited way too long to say yes to him.”

“You understand that I had to ask, right? I’m sure his friends will grill him about you.”

“Yeah.” This time, Carter didn’t duck away when John reached over to ruffle his hair. He did, however, shove him in a move that somehow ended with John grabbing his hand and yanking him forward into a hug, in which he ended up face-planted into John’s chest with the bag underneath his hips.

Carter’s phone rang. “That’s my ride.” He peeled himself off John.

“Thank goodness, this was starting to get awkward.”

“Tell me about it.” Picking up his bag, Carter gave John another hug and took off. Even though it had only been a few hours since they last were together, he couldn’t wait to see Ethan. He grinned all the way out to the car, hopped in, and dove straight into Ethan’s open arms. Elliot made gagging noises from the back. Jennifer laughed and told Elliot to shush. Nolan turned up the classic rock station. Ethan reminded them all that Beyoncé had loved him (“Why wouldn’t she?” Liz asked), and they set course for home.

 

 

ETHAN didn’t sleep the night they came back from LA. He lay in bed thinking about everything that had happened. Performing was amazing, from the costume to being on stage to all the people he met afterward. He wanted to do it again, right now. Maybe Dad and Mom would let him move to LA. But best of all, Carter was his boyfriend now! He stared at the ceiling and thought about all the people he wanted to tell.

Vera was the first person Ethan told about him and Carter because she drove him to work. “I’m happy for you,” she said. Ethan beamed. He hummed the song he’d written for Carter all the way to work. He almost didn’t wait for Vera to stop before he rushed out of the car to find Andy.

“And you didn’t even have to show him your penis!” Andy said. He pulled back from hugging Ethan, but kept his hands on Ethan’s waist. “Although you’d probably have been dating him faster if you had.”

“Carter isn’t like that.” Ethan frowned at Andy. “And you know I promised Mom I wouldn’t do that anymore.”

“I know,” Andy said. “I’m sorry.” He hugged Ethan again. “I’m just happy he finally came to his senses.”

“Well.” Ethan thought it over. “I did write a song for him, so he had to come around sometime.”

“All right, romance time over. Time for work.” Vera handed Ethan his apron. “Lovebird,” she said with a roll of her eyes. She was smiling too, so Ethan knew she was only teasing.

Carter walked in around ten o’clock and sat down in his regular place at the table in the far corner. Ethan grabbed an apple turnover—something different!—and went over and kissed him. Carter ticced and stammered, but he smiled and thanked Ethan for the turnover.

“Can we go out to the beach after I’m done?” Ethan asked. “I want to tell my friends out there.”

“Sure,” Carter said. Then he said he needed to work and showed Ethan his papers. Alice had him transposing a new show already.

Vera and Andy both gave Ethan hugs and then Vera went and sat down with Carter for a “private conversation” that Ethan was pretty sure involved threats. Vera was like a big sister despite being younger, but she said it was because she had younger siblings and she only knew how to be the big sister. Carter looked serious though, and he nodded a lot.

After Ethan’s shift ended, he and Carter walked outside together. “Does Vera know how scary she is?” Carter asked.

“I think so, yeah.” Ethan settled in the passenger seat of Carter’s car.

“Okay. Just checking.”

 

 

AT THE beach, Carter parked in the lot near the caravan. Ethan’s friends already had a campfire going. Ethan took Carter’s arm as they walked to it because the ground was uneven, but also because he wanted to touch Carter. Jules scooted over to make room for them on the log. She handed them sticks and marshmallows. “So, what’s the big news?”

“Carter and I are dating,” Ethan said.

Everyone cheered. Ethan didn’t know if he’d ever been so happy, and Carter looked glad too. The night was cool, but it was warm around the fire. Horatio played a few songs. The others drank beer, but Carter and Ethan drank soda. Ethan liked that Carter drank soda with him. They sat around the campfire and Horatio played a few songs. Ethan wished Carter would play, but he was still too shy. Ethan put his arm around Carter’s shoulders. It was great to sit like that and know that Carter was his.

“So, it took you guys long enough,” Frankie said.

Ethan grinned at him. “I think so too.”

“Yeah,” Carter said. He scooted closer to Ethan. Carter was still nervous around Ethan’s friends. He’d have to get over that, but for now Ethan liked the idea that he was protecting him.

“Of course I haven’t seen his penis yet, but I hope to soon,” Ethan said. He expected that Carter would say that he hoped to see Ethan’s, but Carter was too busy coughing and then scrubbing his jeans with his palms where he’d spewed out chocolate and graham cracker on them. Ethan patted him and gave him his soda.

Nobody said anything for a second, probably waiting for Carter to agree. When Carter did speak, he only managed a few consonants before giving up and turning to push his face into Ethan’s shoulder, and say quietly so only Ethan could hear, “Oh my God.”

“I know,” Ethan said, happy. He’d never been friends and in love with someone at the same time, but he was both with Carter, and that made him want to have sex with him more than ever.

Frankie moved closer to Carter, “So, uh, would it be your first time, you know, with a guy?”

Carter pulled his face away from Ethan enough to say, “No. And can we not talk about it? Oh my God.” He hid again.

“I’ve slept with lots of guys,” Ethan said.

“We know,” Rolla said.

Carter kissed him and interrupted Ethan’s response. Ethan had more to say, but kissing was good too.

On the drive home from the beach, they held hands. Ethan wished Carter’s car didn’t have a console because he wanted to snuggle closer and maybe put his head in Carter’s lap. He touched Carter’s knee and managed to sneak his hand up Carter’s thigh to nudge his penis before Carter whined and pushed Ethan’s hand away.

“Ethan, don’t.”

“We’re boyfriends now,” Ethan pointed out.

“I know, but….”

Ethan pulled his hand to his own lap. He sat back in his seat, preparing a major sulk. “If it’s because of my….” he waved at his head “…I’ve done stuff with boys since then.”

“It’s not because of that,” Carter said. He turned the radio down. Ethan forced himself not to protest even though it was playing his favorite song that week. “Sex is important to me. I only do it with people I really care about.”

It took a few seconds to sink in. Then the meaning of Carter’s words knocked into him and only the fact they were going seventy miles per hour on the highway and Ethan was belted in prevented him from hurling himself out of the car. Instead, he bit down on his fist, but it didn’t stop his wail.

Carter swerved the car across two lanes of traffic and stopped on the side of the road. Ethan grabbed for the door, but he forgot about the belt, so it choked him when he tried to get out. Carter grabbed him. “Hey. Ethan? Please don’t cry. Please.” Carter had to shout because Ethan made so much noise. Carter’s voice shook like he was going to cry too. Ethan pushed his hands over his ears. He tried to shove Carter away, but his eyes were so thick with tears that he couldn’t see, plus it was dark out and he couldn’t tell what was outside the car, so he curled away from Carter and sobbed.

Carter’s seatbelt unclicked, and then he plastered himself against Ethan’s back in a way that felt really nice, especially when he stroked Ethan’s hair, and that made everything worse. “You didn’t let me finish,” Carter said.

“Don’t need to.” Ethan tried to struggle away, but Carter was like a blanket on him and Ethan was too big in Carter’s little car to go anywhere.

“Yes, I do,” Carter said. He eased up, but he kept his hand around Ethan’s wrist. “I need to tell you that I have sex with boyfriends I love. That’s you, Ethan. This is the truth. I’ve had boyfriends before, and thought I loved them, but I’ve never felt like I do when I’m with you.”

Ethan stared out the window. Carter had turned the car’s interior lights on, so Ethan saw Carter’s reflection watching him. He blinked a few times to see if the openness on Carter’s face would change, but it didn’t. “But you said….”

“There’s a second part,” Carter said. “One is I only have sex with people I love. The second is that sex matters to me. I want it to be romantic and special. Not in a car and not something I talk about except with people I trust.”

Ethan turned around. As he did, Carter’s hand slid down to meet his. “So, I shouldn’t have said what I did about wanting to see your penis?” He couldn’t meet Carter’s eyes. It was a stupid mistake. He should have known not to do it.

“That’s you, Ethan.” Carter nudged Ethan’s face up and gave him a little kiss. “I just have to ask that after you do see it, you don’t tell them how big it is, okay?”

Ethan filled up with happiness. He hadn’t ruined everything. He hadn’t even ruined anything! He kissed Carter, holding his face with both hands. “I promise.” Pushing Carter back, but still pressing his hands to Carter’s cheeks, he asked, “Wait—does this mean I do get to see it?”

Carter grinned. “Oh yeah. Definitely.”

“Good.” Ethan glanced down to Carter’s pants, which looked tighter than before. “Because I really can’t wait.”

Carter gently took Ethan’s wrists and pushed his hands down. “Well, we have to get home first. And then I want to shower you in rose petals and bubble bath.”

“Sounds sticky.”

He didn’t understand why Carter laughed so hard. “It was the most clichéd thing I could think of. I’m sorry! I promise I’ll come up with something better.” Carter kissed him again and wiped the last of Ethan’s tears away with his thumbs. Then turned the light off, shifted into gear, and pulled back into traffic. Ethan turned the radio up. He watched the mile markers and counted down until he could be home with Carter.

“We’ll have to do it fast,” he said as an afterthought. “I still have to be home by midnight.”

“Right,” Carter said. “That might be a problem.” It was already eleven o’clock. “What about tomorrow night?”

“Yeah. Tomorrow would be good.”

“Tomorrow, then.” Carter’s hand felt perfect in Ethan’s, even better than it did before they were dating. Now, it felt like they were transferring their best qualities to each other, so Ethan felt strong and smart. Carter tapped the steering wheel as he drove, so Ethan tapped his knee, as if he could take away some of Carter’s twitches, even though Ethan loved them as part of Carter. But, if they caused Carter pain, then Ethan would wish them away.

When Carter pulled into Ethan’s driveway, the front porch light was on. Elliot opened the door before they got out of the car. “Where were you?” he asked. He waved his phone at them. “I’ve been calling.”

Ethan checked his pocket. Dead battery on his cell. “I’m sorry. We went to the beach.”

Elliot looked angry, which made Ethan defensive. “Mom and Dad knew.”

“You should have had your phone anyway.”

“Did something happen?” Carter asked, which was good because otherwise Ethan was going to yell at Elliot to stop being rude, and then the neighbors would wake up. One time they called the police when that happened, so now Ethan tried to only yell at Elliot in the house, even though Elliot yelled at Ethan anywhere.

“Aunt Amelia is in the ICU again. Mom and Dad are on the way there now. You’re supposed to stay with us tonight.” He gave Carter the same glare he’d given Ethan. “Tried to call you, too.”

“Oh,” Carter said. He patted his pockets, stuck his thumbs inside, pulled them out, and stroked his legs, three times each. “Oh,” he repeated. “Okay. Um. I’ll go get my overnight bag and be back in ten minutes.” He shuffled backward. His feet found a rhythm on the gravel and shuffled over them again to repeat it. “Try not to ki-um-ki-ki-kill each other until I’m buh-buh-buh….” He spun around instead of finishing and took off through his yard. Ethan pulled Carter’s car keys out of the ignition and shut the door.

“You always make him nervous,” Ethan said. He was careful not to yell.

“He makes himself nervous,” Elliot said. “Get inside.”

“Don’t have to be rude about it,” Ethan muttered, but he did what Elliot said. It was getting cold. And anyway, Carter was spending the night, which meant no curfew, which meant tonight they’d have sex. Since it was Ethan’s house, Ethan needed to make it romantic like Carter wanted. He needed to sit and think about that, but he’d have to do it fast because Carter would be back in a few minutes, and that wasn’t long to prepare something special.

“I’m going downstairs,” Elliot said. “See you in the morning.”

The PlayStation was downstairs. “Don’t play all night,” Ethan said, same as their parents always did.

“Whatever,” Elliot said, same as always. He turned at the door to the basement. “You guys going to have sex tonight?”

“I think so.”

“Try not to make too much noise. I have school in the morning.” Ethan didn’t know why Elliot looked angry, but he was glad when Elliot went downstairs. Ethan hadn’t understood Elliot for years. Maybe he never would.

 

 

“ETHAN?” Carter turned to Ethan with a smile and then turned back to Ethan’s parents’ bed, which was strewn with torn magazine pages, each one depicting a flower. “Did you do this?”

“It’s my house, so I get to be romantic for you. And Mom doesn’t like anyone cutting her flowers, so I cut up her magazines instead. Do you like it?” He ended on a hopeful rise.

Carter allowed himself a moment of amusement as he imagined Liz wondering what had happened to her magazines—and her reaction when Ethan told her. “I love it. Come here.” Carter tugged Ethan toward the bed. At the nightstand, he turned the photo of Ethan’s parents around, and pulled Ethan into bed. They kissed. Carter loved Ethan’s mouth more each time he touched it. Soft, thick lips that felt like pillows against Carter’s, and then Ethan’s tongue doing its best to dispel that impression, jabbing into Carter’s mouth, prodding for entrance, and making Carter feel wanted like never before. Ethan pulled Carter’s shirt off. He eyed Carter’s chest and swept his greedy tongue over his lush top lip. “You have a nice body.”

“So do you,” Carter said. Ethan looked down and crossed his freckled arms and over his chest. “You do.” Carter raised Ethan’s chin. “I like looking at you.”

“You do? You don’t think I’m fat? I should exercise more.”

“The fact that you don’t know you’re hot is the best thing about you.” Carter smoothed his hands down Ethan’s chest, over his shirt, feeling the soft curves and muscle beneath. “Everything about you is beautiful.” Pushing Ethan’s shirt off, he thumbed over Ethan’s nipples. Ethan nuzzled Carter’s neck and made a little noise that caused Carter’s cock to scream for freedom. He kissed Ethan one more time and stood up to get out of his pants. Ethan stripped too; Carter wasn’t sure if his speed was due to eagerness or self-consciousness. It was difficult to think of Ethan being uncertain of himself, considering his openness about sex, but maybe his experiences hadn’t been like this. Carter wouldn’t ask about that now, not when he had Ethan to himself. He intended to appreciate every inch of Ethan.

Ethan flung himself down on his back. Carter knelt above him. Looking down at Ethan’s naked body, he remembered the first time he’d gone to Ethan’s room and seen him posing in front of the mirror. He remembered how handsome Ethan had looked in his costume on stage. How handsome he always looked. And now here he was, waiting for Carter. Ethan was beautiful, too beautiful for Carter. Forget what John had said about Carter dating Ethan because they were alike. Ethan would get bored of Carter before long and leave him. Ethan needed music and color in his life. Carter could only provide one of those. He had as much chance in holding onto Ethan as he did holding the sun.

“What’s wrong?” Ethan asked.

“Remember I said I only did this with people I care about?”

“Yeah.”

“I never cared about anyone more than you.” Carter blinked away a speck of dust in his eye and lay down on top of Ethan to hold him. He might get scorched, but he’d hold on as long as he could. He’d be Ethan’s Icarus and go down with his wings aflame. His history of disappointment fluttered through his mind, the men he’d decided were the one. He’d never felt like this with any of them. If only he’d known what feeling to look for, he could have saved himself from hurt.

Ethan hugged him back and kissed him. “I never cared about anyone more than you either.” In response, Carter reached between them for Ethan’s cock. Ethan thrust into his fist. “Yeah, oh my God, feels so good, Carter.” He kept up a babble of all the good things Carter made him feel, and Carter soaked it into his own moans when Ethan took hold of Carter’s cock and made Carter move. Carter wasn’t sure when Ethan got a hand around both of their cocks together; it was either when Carter accidentally bit Ethan’s clavicle or when Ethan scraped his teeth over Carter’s nipple, but the sensation sent him soaring, this fact of fragile skin rubbing fragile skin, and Ethan’s nonstop talking, so good, Carter, the best, always knew, and Carter hot all over and knowing, knowing Ethan was it for him, for always, and that fact, yes, plus Ethan pressing there on his slit, and Carter came, worrying in his hindbrain that Ethan’s thumb would stop it from getting out, but no, it spurted out, messy and slick and Carter needed it, needed to have Ethan push his soaked thumb into Carter’s mouth to suck, needed Ethan again, still, always.

He grabbed and sucked and his brain said, “Hey, stupid, that’s not what you want,” and Carter said, “Oh, yeah,” and with Ethan laughing and saying, “Carter,” Carter scooted down Ethan’s body. He sealed his lips around Ethan’s cock and sucked him to orgasm. His hands jerked over Ethan’s hips, not because of Tourette’s for once, but because he couldn’t get enough, couldn’t decide if he wanted to hold Ethan down or signal him to fuck his face, gentle pushes upward, enough for Carter to feel stretched in his jaw, to feel full and used and needed and happy. He sucked Ethan clean and might have stayed down there nuzzled between Ethan’s thigh and his semi-erect cock, but Ethan nudged him back up to his mouth. Carter rolled into the kiss, but he couldn’t move after. He rested his head on Ethan’s chest and rubbed through Ethan’s chest hair, circling his pale rose-colored nipple.

“Carter? Are you crying? Did I hurt your jaw?” Ethan sounded worried. He gave Carter an awkward pat on his cheek.

Carter touched his face. Was he? He wasn’t the type to get emotional. He’d never cried after sex. His fingers came away wet. “No. I don’t know why I’m crying. I just, I don’t know. I’m not hurt, all right? I’m happy.”

“You are?”

“Yeah. I’m really happy.” He touched Ethan’s face. “Thank you.”

“What for?”

He stared into Ethan’s eyes. “Making me feel this way.”

“Carter? You make me happy too.”

Carter reached for the blankets. He covered them both and lay back down with Ethan. Ethan made an effort to clean up himself and Carter, but gave up after a few sleepy swipes. Carter found his spot—already thinking of it as his spot—against Ethan’s chest and drifted away listening to Ethan breathe. Ethan placed his hand over Carter’s heart and kept it there.

 

 

IN THE morning, Carter woke up with Ethan’s cock nudging his ass. Ethan was flush against him, his arm around Carter’s waist. “Are you awake?”

“Yeah,” Carter said. “Barely.”

“Can we have sex now?”

“Bathroom first, then sex.”

Naked, they stumbled into the bathroom together, Ethan brushing his teeth while Carter peed and then switching places. “I want to be inside you, okay?” Ethan asked as he washed his hands after using the toilet.

Carter pulled the toothbrush out of his mouth. “That’s what I was hoping for.”

“Good.” Ethan dried his hands and tapped his foot until Carter wiped the last of the toothpaste foam off his mouth. “Now?”

“Yes, please.” Grabbing Carter’s elbow, Ethan yanked him down the hall and tossed him back onto the bed as Carter laughed. Rolling onto his stomach, he pushed up onto his hands and knees. Last night had been a good start, but Carter was as eager as Ethan to get to the main event. However, being in Ethan’s parents’ bed was weird and Carter was not thinking about the implications of Nolan and Liz’s sex life behind the drawer opening that he now heard, nor the fact that shortly after Ethan began to open him with slick fingers.

Not thinking about Ethan knowing where his parents kept the lube.

Not thinking about Ethan’s parents having lube.

Nope. Opening his legs and keeping his mind shut. Yessir. Ethan was good with his fingers and pretty soon Carter stopped caring where the lube had come from. Ethan giggled when Carter begged, which was sexier than it should have been, but it was a long time since Carter had had sex with someone who thought it was ridiculous and fun, and Carter hadn’t realized how much he’d missed that. He heard a condom packet rip and then Ethan pressed against him. Carter knew Ethan was big, but the initial penetration still took his breath away. Ethan sank in, slow, and stayed there until Carter gasped out that he could keep going. After a few strokes, Ethan pulled out, turned Carter over, threw his legs up to his chest (not flexible enough for that in the morning, holy crap) and pushed in again. Sweet spot found, Carter lost control. Only Ethan’s arms on either side of him stopped him from rolling off the bed. That, and the fact that it was a huge bed. He could flop like a beached fish on it to his heart’s content and not fall off. If they were on Ethan’s twin-size bed, Carter would have had a concussion by now.

“Do you like it?” Ethan asked. He paused the thrusting.

“Yes,” Carter said.

“Me too,” Ethan said.

“Touch me.” Carter must have said it; he made a sound of some type, anyway, which resulted in Ethan wrapping his fingers around Carter’s cock and giving him something to fuck into as Ethan filled him, the stretch always there, no reprieve, but perfect and he could do this forever, he could, and this was so much better than last night. Carter loved Ethan’s cock stretching him; he wanted it in his mouth again, but this was so good too, better in some ways because it kept his mouth free for Ethan to kiss. He lifted up, abs squeezing to get his mouth close to Ethan’s, to Ethan’s lips and tongue and yes, that there, Ethan in the morning fucking and kissing him and Carter tensed, down in his groin, in his gut, Ethan felt it too because he groaned and patted a clumsy hand against Carter’s face, and Carter knew it wasn’t because of Ethan’s regular clumsiness, but for the same reason Carter could jerk and twitch and not blame the Tourette’s.

Carter had made him do that. He’d made Ethan lose control. He laughed into Ethan’s kiss and rocked his hips up, folded himself even more in half, still hurt, still almost impossible, but he didn’t care that he’d regret it when he needed to get up, and his come coated Ethan’s chest and Carter’s stomach. Carter went limp. He fell backward on the bed. Ethan kept moving inside him until he came, too, squeezing Carter’s ankles and pushed in deep with a look of wonder and love on his face that Carter wanted seared into his memory to comfort him on lonely nights or whenever he started feeling low. Love? Carter hadn’t had any idea what it was, but now, he looked at Ethan and found a thousand definitions for it. He drifted on this new information as Ethan pulled out. He winced against the sudden cold when Ethan stopped covering him with his body. Ethan pulled the covers up. Carter snuggled into them. He was almost asleep when Ethan kissed his cheek.

“Hey. Sleepy.”

“Hey.” Carter answered without opening his eyes.

“I’m going to shower.”

“Okay.”

Carter stayed a few minutes more, lazing in the warm covers. The sound of Ethan’s shower finally prompted him to move. He stripped the sheets off the bed and pulled his boxers on.

As walks of shame went, this was the shortest he’d ever done, but given that it ended with Elliot staring at him as Carter stood in his underwear holding Liz and Nolan’s sheets in front of him as both evidence and shield, it ranked number one as most embarrassing. Elliot had apparently slept in the basement, which was where the washing machine was. “Uh,” Carter said. “Thought I’d do laundry.” He shoved the sheets inside the machine, turned it on, and fled.

“Forgot the soap,” Elliot called after him.

Carter didn’t go back. He ran back up to the bedroom, sat down and tried not to hyperventilate. Why wasn’t Elliot in school? He glanced at the clock. Six forty-five. Oh. Too early. Carter righted the Harts’ photo on the nightstand. Grabbing his shirt, he went down to the kitchen.

Just his luck, Elliot was there, now scarfing down cereal like he was afraid someone would take it from him. Carter did, just to be obstinate. Elliot didn’t try to snatch it back. He waited until Carter had a mouthful of Frosted Flakes before he said, “Did you enjoy it?”

“It’s the same as always.” Carter poked the flakes. “They didn’t change the recipe, did they?”

“I meant fucking my brother.”

Carter’s words disappeared and suddenly the spoon was across the table, snapped out of Carter’s hand by one tic as his other hand danced next to his head, hovered at his temple and tapped him tap tap tap, head jerk, twice, as Carter squeezed his eyes shut. When it passed, Elliot had that same bored look on. “That wasn’t because of you,” Carter said, angry that Elliot might think so. “It’s what I do.”

“Ethan’s an idiot,” Elliot said.

“You’re an asshole,” Carter blurted. “Where do you get off calling him that? Just because he’s not like you….”

Elliot got up so fast he sent his own spoon flying. He leaned over the table, pale face an inch from Carter. “He’s an idiot because he keeps sleeping with guys who don’t give a shit about him and he doesn’t even know. He’s got a big dick and assholes can’t think about anything except how to get it inside them. And yeah, I know what I just said and yes, I mean it.” Elliot’s voice shook, giving away the grief behind his anger. Carter ducked his head rather than push him away.

“I’m not like that,” he said.

Elliot dropped back into his seat. “Sure. Let’s see how long you stick around now.”

“I promise.” Carter risked a look. His foot discovered it could kick off from the chair’s crossbar and found a rhythm wholly inappropriate to the serious conversation above it. “Elliot. I mean it.”

Elliot grabbed the milk and got up. He shoved it into the refrigerator and slammed the door. “Whatever, man. See you when I get home if you’re still here.”

After he left, Carter retrieved the milk. He sat down to finish eating, but his cereal was soggy. He couldn’t think about anything except the men who’d used Ethan, and how Ethan hadn’t known. Carter had no doubt that Elliot was right about that. And Elliot had been around all along to pick up after Ethan’s broken heart. For the first time, Carter started to feel bad for him. Fifteen-year-old kid shouldn’t have to fix his older brother’s heartbreak. Should be the other way around.

Maybe if Ethan and Carter stayed together, Carter could be Elliot’s big brother and do for him what Ethan couldn’t. He and Ethan could be a team. That would be nice.

“Ooh, Frosted Flakes!” Ethan bounced into the room in a pink bathrobe that stopped midthigh and didn’t close enough to cover his chest, looking like Cary Grant in that movie where he says, “I’ve gone gay all of a sudden.”

“Your mom’s?” Carter guessed.

“Yeah.” Ethan slid into the seat next to him. He touched Carter’s shoulders and looked into his eyes. “What are you thinking about? You look sad.”

“Elliot’s worried I’m going to break your heart.”

“Oh.” Ethan pushed his forehead to Carter’s. “Me too.”

“I won’t.” Carter slid his hands up Ethan’s knees. “As long as I can help it, I won’t.”

“Yeah?”

“Just… Ethan?”

“What?”

Carter took a breath. “Don’t break mine.”

Ethan studied him, sincere and unblinking. “I promise.”