Track 20: Side A

Merry Fucking Christmas

 

Lincoln

I wake up as the first gray morning light trickles through the window, finally knowing the perfect Christmas gift for Jace.

I roll out of bed and grab the tattered notebook from my suitcase. I flip through it until I find the right pages and tear them out, careful not to rip them. I take them to the living room, wrap them, and place the gift under the tree. It’s the gesture Jace deserves. I just hope after this, he’ll let me tell him how sorry I am about everything.

With a gift finally ready for Jace, I set about making coffee and breakfast, trusting that Jace will be over soon. I’m pouring pancake batter into the skillet when the back door opens.

“Did you see it’s snowing?” Jace asks, his voice laced with excitement.

“It’s December in Wisconsin; it’s always snowing.”

“Yeah, but it’s Christmas so it’s magical,” Jace argues.

“Magical Christmas snow, got it,” I agree with a smirk, flipping the pancakes over.

Jace helps himself to coffee and then sits down at the counter.

“What Christmas fun do you have planned for today?” he asks.

“Breakfast, presents, and Christmas movies. I bought A Christmas Story, A Christmas Carol, and It’s a Wonderful Life.”

“You got me presents?” Jace asks quietly.

“Well, one present,” I admit.

“You didn’t have to do that.”

“Why don’t you wait until you open it before you decide that,” I suggest, my stomach now in knots wondering if I made the right choice. What if he takes it the wrong way? What if it reminds him why he hates me? This is my one shot to get this right; I can’t fuck it up.

“I’m sure I’ll love it, Linc. And thank you for breakfast.”

“You’re welcome.”

I plate the pancakes and slide it across the counter to Jace, along with the bottle of syrup I picked up.

We eat in companionable silence, and by the time we’re finished, I figure I’d better give him his present now before I chicken out.

I take our plates and set them in the sink to wash later, and then I lead Jace to the living room.

I hand him the gift and sit down on the couch to await the verdict. He tears into the paper with a curious smile on his face, and when he pulls out the papers, his brow scrunches.

“What is this?” he asks in a stunned voice as he looks over the pages of music in his hands.

“The other songs I wrote about you, about us. They belong to you.”

“Linc,” Jace says quietly, shaking his head like he can’t believe it. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Do you like it? It’s okay if you don’t, I just thought…”

“I love it. But, I didn’t get you anything for Christmas.”

“There is one thing I’ll take, but only if you want,” I offer with hope. Jace gives me a wary look; he already knows what I’m going to ask for. “Just one kiss, Freckles? Please?”

He looks down at the papers in his hands, chewing his bottom lips as he considers my request. My heart threatens to shatter my ribs as it flaps wildly in my chest. Then, he looks up at me and gives me a single nod. A sob nearly escapes my throat, and I reach for him with unsteady hands, dragging him onto my lap. Jace breathes heavily in my arms, his body trembling against mine.

“It’s only ever been you, Jace,” I confess, brushing my lips to his with a feather touch. Every cell in my body is aching for Jace, craving him.

“Dammit, Linc.”

His hand finds the back of my neck, and he drags me to his lips with hungry desperation. Pleasure rumbles deep in my chest as I thrust my tongue out to meet his, hot and wet. Every nerve in my body is firing, overloading my brain with sensation. He tastes just how I remember, his lips even softer.

I cant my hips, grinding my dripping erection against his through our jeans. The rough denim against my sensitive skin makes me shiver.

His lips trail over my jaw and down to my neck. I grunt and press my body harder against his as he nibbles and licks my throat.

“You know, we could always go full nostalgia and take this to my old room,” I suggest. “We’ve got a lot of good memories in there.”

“Funny, I can only remember the morning I woke up all alone in that bed, all of your things packed and gone. You didn’t even have the courtesy to leave me a note.”

My gut twists painfully. “I hate that’s all you remember. I get it, but fuck, Jace, every good memory I have in my life took place in that room or down by the lake just out the back door.”

“The sad thing is those are all my happy memories, too. But you ruined it, Linc. You took every good thing inside me, and you stomped all over it, then tossed it away like it never meant anything to you.”

“It meant everything to me,” I growl.

“I’m not sure I can trust you like that again.”

“That’s it? No second chance, no happily ever after?” The words are almost too painful on my tongue as I speak them. I want to reach for a fresh razor to make the pain familiar and manageable again.

“I don’t know yet. But that doesn’t mean we couldn’t have a little fun…for old time’s sake,” Jace declares. He pushes off my lap. Instead of leaving like I half expect him to, he heads down the hall to my bedroom.

I bolt off the couch and stumble after him, my mind trying to catch up with what’s going on. A few seconds ago, he told me he could never trust me again. Now, he’s leaving a trail of clothes on his way to my bedroom. It doesn’t add up. Until I reach him and he turns around; I see nothing but pure lust in his eyes. There’s no affection like I’m used to seeing when he looks at me. Even when he was glaring at me with hate, it was obvious he cared. Now, there’s nothing. He’s giving me his body, but not his heart. Can I be okay with that? What if this is all he’ll ever offer?

Jace climbs onto the bed on his hands and knees, his legs spread and his gorgeous ass begging for my attention. There’s no way I can walk away from him now. This may end up destroying what’s left of my heart, but it’s too late. My heart belongs to him anyway; he can do whatever he pleases with it.

I watch as Jace’s back rises and falls with each rapid breath, goosebumps rising on his skin thanks to the chill of the bedroom. My gaze wanders over his body, familiar yet new. Jace was always rail thin when we were teenagers, now he has a little extra padding around his midsection, and his ass definitely has added roundness. I pick out every one of his familiar freckles and moles on his bare back. My favorite is a little heart shaped freckle on his left butt cheek.

My feet carry me forward without my conscious decision to move. And before I know it, I’m kneeling behind Jace, still fully clothed, tracing my fingers along his spine. I bend forward and brush a kiss against each freckle and mole, my lips remembering each one.

Jace trembles under my touch, his breath coming in ragged puffs, but he doesn’t say a word to try to rush me.

After I’ve kissed each mark, I grab Jace by the hips and flip him onto his back.

“What are you—”

“I’ve been dreaming of you for ten years, there’s no way I’m going to stare at the back of your head when I finally get inside you again.”

Something stirs behind Jace’s eyes, which gives me hope that as much as he may say his heart is off limits, I might still be able to reach it.

I continue my task of kissing every one of his freckles on the front side of his body. My lips expertly find each one, from the hidden one on the left side of his jaw all the way down to my favorite cluster on his right hip. And I couldn’t possibly miss the one on the arch of his right foot.

My body is aching to speed things up and get to the main event, but my heart is content to linger over every inch of Jace for the rest of the afternoon.

“Can you please get naked, Linc?” Jace begs in a desperate whisper as I place an open mouth kiss to the birthmark on his left calf.

“Mmm,” I hum in agreement, trailing my lips up his leg to the crook of his knee.

“Linc,” he gasps when I lick the next freckle on the inside of his thigh.

I release him reluctantly and pull my shirt over my head, tossing it onto the floor without care. Jace’s hands join mine in working my jeans open, my cock straining to be set free. My mouth waters when my gaze lands on Jace’s cock laying hard against his stomach, a few shiny smears of pre-cum on his skin.

I kick my pants the rest of the way off and lean over the side of the bed to grab the bottle of lube and condom from the shopping bag I left there. Thank fuck for my optimism when I ran to the store. I drop the necessary items on the bed, then I cover Jace’s body with my own.

My lips slide against Jace’s, and my breath catches. I’ve tried not to let myself remember what it felt like to kiss him. The way our breath mingled and our tongues played when kissing was a simple pleasure all its own. I lift my hands up to brush against his face, feeling the muscles of his jaw under my fingertips as his lips part against mine. My heart flutters wildly as the taste of his lips and tongue takes me to a place where nothing but joy exists. I want to die right here in this moment, so I never have to live another second without Jace’s lips on mine.

“Linc,” Jace breathes into my mouth, and my insides turn to liquid heat, nothing but burning hot desire for the man in my arms.

Our foreheads are pressed together, noses bumping and brushing against each other, as our panting breaths weave together. The heavy weight of Jace’s legs wrapped around my waist grounds me in the moment and makes my dick ache.

“Are you sure?”

“God, yes,” he groans in frustration. “As much as I hate to admit this, there hasn’t been anyone since you. Not like this.” He wiggles around until his hot, tight hole is pressing up against the head of my cock, beckoning me in.

“You’re killing me here, Freckles. I l—”

“Shh,” Jace scolds. “Just fuck me. Please.”

“Am I allowed to at least prep you first, your highness?” I ask sarcastically.

“Fine, but make it quick.”

I sit back on my heels and grab the bottle of lube from where I placed it on the bed. I squirt some onto my fingers and rub it around to warm it up a little.

Jace bucks his hips impatiently as I slide my fingers into his cleft, spreading the lube around before pressing my middle finger to his puckered entrance.

He’s hot and tight, making my balls ache and my cock flex, dying to get inside him. A gasp falls from his lips as I work my finger slowly inside him, inch by inch. Once one finger is sliding easily in and out, I add a second, and Jace groans. I can’t take my eyes off his face as I work him open with my fingers. His skin is flushed, his lips parted on panting breaths, and his eyes are hazy and unfocused. He looks exactly like I remember.

When I add a third finger Jace starts squirming and begging for more.

“Are you ready for me?” I ask.

“Jesus, I’ve been ready. Please fuck me.”

I chuckle at his impatience. I remember that too. He never wanted to take our time, always demanding I hurry things along. But when he was on the other end of things, he never rushed prepping me.

I ease my fingers out of him, and he hisses in protest. I tear open the condom package and sheath my painfully hard cock.

Lining myself up with his hole, he whimpers and reaches for my hand. Jace wiggles against the tip of my cock resting at his entrance. For a moment, my whole world zeros in on our fingers twined together. No matter what Jace might say, this isn’t fucking. I’ve never held hands with someone while I’ve fucked them. But I’m not going to point that out to Jace, at least not yet.

“Please, Linc.”

I push inside him slowly, needing to savor this moment. It’s all I’ve thought about for ten years. Well, not all I’ve thought about. I’ve also reminisced about the nights we would lay in bed talking for hours, or the way Jace looked when he laughed, or what it felt like when we’d lay together under the stars talking about forever together.

Jace gasps when I breach the tight ring of muscles, and I still.

“It’s okay; don’t stop,” he assures me, grabbing my ass with his free hand and tugging me forward.

Every inch of velvety heat that encases my cock feels like pure heaven, made all the better by the blissful expression on Jace’s face. When the front of my thighs are flush with Jace’s ass, I still again just to revel in the perfection of it. I tilt my head back and take my hand out of Jace’s to let it roam over Jace’s legs, wrapped around me, loving the feel of the coarse hair under my fingers. Then, to his abdomen and over his chest. I can feel the rise and fall of his rapid breaths as he waits for me to move again, but I can’t rush this moment. Finally, I reach his face and cup his jaw in my hand.

I lean forward, and he inhales sharply at the change of angle. I trace his lips with my thumb until they part for me and then suck his bottom lip between my teeth, gently nibbling until he whimpers.

My tongue seeks his, slowly tangling and caressing it when I find it. I feel Jace’s cock flex against my stomach, and I smile into the kiss. 

“Please, Linc. Please, please.”

My cock throbs deep inside him at his beautiful pleading, and I decide to have mercy on him. Leaning over him with his legs wrapped tightly around me, I rock into him, barely pulling out with each thrust. He trembles in my arms as I grind the length of my cock along his prostate, staying deeply seated. His erection is pinned between us, pre-cum making my stomach sticky.

The smooth muscles in his channel flutter and constrict around me. He moans into my mouth as our tongues continue to play. And my heart races as our sweat mixes.

I drag my fingers along his side, loving the goosebumps that erupt under my touch, and then I brush my thumb over his nipple, and he whines against my lips. I do it again, this time pinching just a little, and he shudders, grinding himself against me, meeting every one of my thrusts.

“Lincoln, oh god, Linc!”

I open my eyes to watch as his face flames bright red, and his eyes roll back with pleasure. His hot release coats my skin, and he constricts tightly around me, sending me over the edge. I growl deep from my gut as my balls draw tight, electric heat exploding from my core. And I pump my release into the condom.

 

 

Jace

My hands tremble as I run them slowly over the hard planes of Lincoln’s once familiar body. A tear streaks down my cheek for each patch of rough skin I encounter. Our lips move lazily against each other, our tongues occasionally slipping out to join the mix, slowly coming down from the high of our orgasms.

“I’m ready,” I whisper after an eternity.

“Ready for what, Freckles?” Lincoln brushes my hair off my forehead.

“Ready to talk about it.”

Lincoln looks equal parts relieved and nervous, but he nods resolutely.

“I’m sorry for the way I hurt you. If I lived a million years, I couldn’t possibly regret anything more than I regret that decision.”

“Why’d you leave that night? Why’d you lie and promise we’d be together forever and then leave me alone without an explanation?”

“If I could turn back time, I would do it differently. You have to know how much I hate myself for that. I was a coward, and I handled it badly. At the time, I didn’t see any other solution.”

“If you had a do-over, you would still leave?” I ask, realizing Linc said he had regret about how he left, not that he left.

“I don’t know, I’d like to think I would.”

“Why?” I demand. “You were always the one promising forever and painting pictures of a perfect future together. You made me believe in forever and then you left.”

“You were going to throw your life away to come on tour with me. You were going to give up that scholarship and follow me out to New York. I couldn’t let you give up on your dream like that. And I couldn’t see a way we could both have our dreams and still have each other.”

“You stupid, stupid man.” I sigh, shaking my head and crawling on top of Lincoln, straddling his hips and placing my hands on either side of his face. “We could have figured it out together. We didn’t have to go through all that hurt. We could have found a way.”

“Is it too late?” Linc asks.

Desperate hope burns in my chest, threatening to consume me. I study his face for several seconds, brushing my thumb along his jaw and furrowing my brow.

“I don’t know yet. But I don’t want it to be too late, if that counts for anything?”

“It counts for everything.”

After what feels like an eternity, Linc climbs out of bed and goes to the bathroom. He returns a minute later with a damp washcloth to wipe the cum and lube off me, then he tosses the rag near our clothes on the floor.

“Will you play me a song?” I ask.

He pauses but then turns and picks up his guitar. I scoot over in bed, so he has space, and he settles against the headboard with the blankets pooled around his hips and his guitar in his lap. I prop myself up on the pillows to watch.

I was always mesmerized by the way his fingers move over the strings. I can hardly remember a time Lincoln wasn’t playing music. He bought his first guitar at a garage sale, for twenty bucks, the summer when we were nine. I can’t even remember where he got the money, certainly not from his parents. He spent the entire rest of the summer practicing. He was terrible, but I loved sitting on the pier or in his room and watching him try. His eyebrows would scrunch together, and his tongue would peek out between his teeth as he concentrated. By the following summer he was able to play a handful of songs expertly, and he only got better from there.

“What do you want me to play?” he asks, his gaze holding mine as he strums lazily. My heart aches with the beauty of him. I wasn’t lying when I said I didn’t know if I could trust him again, but that doesn’t seem to be stopping my heart from going all in on certain doom.

“Play one of my songs?”

His hands still, and he studies my face for several seconds before he starts to play a new melody. I close my eyes and let the soft beat wash over me. It reminds me of a heartbeat, slow and sure. When the words start, he’s singing about freckles. A smile tugs at the corner of my lips as the intensity builds, the words telling a story of a man who’s memorized every freckle on his lover’s body, and as his lover sleeps, he plays connect the dots, drawing pictures of their future in the marks. My own heart beats heavy, breaking for the man in the song…for Linc.

Linc never held back his feelings from me, always quick to tell me how much he loved me or how he saw our future. I never doubted him for a second, which was why it hurt so much when he left.

Over the past ten years, I’ve tried to convince myself that Lincoln couldn’t have loved me as much as I loved him. But I never really believed it. I couldn’t make it add up—how he could love me so intensely and still leave the way he did.

The song fades to a close, and my eyes drift open.

“That was beautiful, Linc. Thank you.”

“It’s not enough to make up for how I hurt you, but I’m trying. I’ll do anything to set things right.”

“I know.” I pat the pillow beside me. “Lay down, let’s sleep.”

“You’re staying?” he asks with unrestrained hope in his voice.

“I’m staying, baby. Sleep.”

He puts his guitar away and climbs into bed beside me, wasting no time wrapping me in his arms and holding me to his chest like he’s afraid I might vanish. If anyone should have that fear, it’s me. But here I am.