Track 6: Side A

Cherry Lane

 

Lincoln

My heart does a slow barrel roll as I pull up in front of the old cabin on Cherry Lane. My hands are shaking and not just from the cold. I never thought I’d be back here. Hell, I’m surprised my parents agreed to sell. I didn’t even bother to ask Archer how much this dump cost me. Honestly, it was probably still less than the wardrobe I left back in New York. I’ve spent millions on shit I never wanted and never use. It doesn’t matter what this place cost because it’s one thing that was worth the money.

I reach into the backseat of my rental car to grab my suitcase, guitar, and the plastic bag from the convenience store I stopped at on my way into town. I should’ve stopped for food, but it was the last thing on my mind as I neared Mount Pleasant. My heart felt like I was finally coming home.

But now that I’m sitting here, looking at a dark, empty cabin, covered in snow. My heart is slowly coming to the realization that the cabin was never home, the lake wasn’t anything special. It was always Jace.

What was I thinking, coming here to torture myself with memories of the love I threw away?

My throat feels tight, and my eyes burn with unshed tears. I reach into the plastic bag and when my fingers land on the cardboard box full of razors, the tightness in my chest eases a fraction.

I climb out of the car and take a few steps to the left, so I can see around the cabin to where Jace’s family cabin stands. It looks as sad and empty as mine.

My tennis shoe covered feet sink into the ankle-deep snow, and I shiver. I’ll have to remember to buy boots when I go out to buy new clothes.

The front door creaks as I push it open. I’m hit with a smell of dust and mold. It’s obvious my parents haven’t been up here in a few years. I kick out of my shoes and strip off my now damp socks, tossing them onto the floor beside my shoes.

Archer asked me if I wanted to pay someone to come up here and clean it up, bring in new furniture, make it nice before I arrived. I told him no. I wanted the ugly green couch where Jace and I used to make out when our parents were out back drinking. I wanted the kitchen table that Jace and I had etched our names into when we were eight. I wanted the lumpy, twin sized bed where Jace took my virginity when we were seventeen.

I drop my things on the floor beside the couch and make a beeline for the hallway closet. I pull open the door and cough as a cloud of dust surrounds me, infiltrating my mouth and nose. When I manage to breathe again, I reach up to the top of the high shelf, my fingers seeking along the smooth surface. Finally, my fingertips brush against the rough edge of a notebook, and I pull it down.

Not caring how dusty and yellowed the book is, I hold it against my chest, letting a tear escape my eye and roll down my cheek. I flip open the book and trace the messy letters covering each page. I flip until I find a page with a photograph stashed against the edge to keep it from falling out.

I sit down on the floor, my hands clutching tight around the notebook, and I flip the photo over to look at it.

It’s a picture of Jace and me. We were sixteen and sunburned, smiling into the camera with our arms over each other’s shoulders. I barely recognize the dark haired, smiling boy as me.

Setting the picture aside, I read the passage.

 

 

August 6th, 2006

I honestly thought I fell in love with Jace at the beginning of the summer. All the signs were there— my heart beat faster when he was around, I couldn’t get the thought of kissing him out of my mind, and every time he laughed it did something funny to my stomach. But something happened today, and now I realize I was dead wrong. Today, I kissed Jace…and he kissed me back! I can’t even describe how it felt to have his lips moving against mine, and the way his tongue filled up my mouth…I’m getting hard remembering it. I thought I loved him at the beginning of the summer, but if I loved him then, I have no words to describe how I feel about him now. I’m like a helium balloon, so full I might burst. I’m going to be with Jace forever, I know it like I know the sky is blue.

 

I shake my head and close the notebook, not bothering to finish the fanciful entry, and another puff of dust irritates my nose. I should’ve listened to my sixteen-year-old self. My band was great, but it didn’t compare to Jace. And soon I won’t have either.

I leave the notebook where it is and grab the shopping bag off the floor. I plop down on the couch and dig out the box of razors.

I turn the fresh blade over in my fingers absentmindedly. My body vibrates as I imagine the first bite of razor into skin— the rush, the release.

My phone pings in my pocket, and I drop the blade and pull it out to see a message from Archer simply saying call me.

I press the call button and lean back on the couch as I listen to the ringing of the phone, waiting for Archer to answer. I let my eyes wander around the cabin a little more, taking in all the cobwebs and dust. I’m going to have to clean this place up if I’m going to stay here for a bit. Which means I’ll have to go to the store tonight after all. If I wait, I’ll blow it off.

“Hey, Lincoln,” Archer answers.

“Hey, everything okay?”

“I was going to ask you the same thing. Did you get there okay? How are you feeling?”

I snort and roll my eyes at Archer. If I was feeling suicidal right now, what would he do about it all the way from New York? Call the local police, I guess?

“I’m not standing on a ledge or anything,” I assure him.

“This isn’t a joke, Lincoln. As soon as you left I started to question my sanity, letting you go off all by yourself. Why don’t I hire someone to come out and stay with you? Or I could send any of the guys out there. You shouldn’t be alone.”

“I don’t need you to hire me a babysitter, and the guys deserve a vacation and a chance to unwind as much as I do. I promise, Arch, I’m okay. I think a little time alone to clear my head is exactly what the doctor ordered.”

Archer blows out a loud breath on the other end of the phone and is silent for several seconds before talking again. “I love you, man.”

“Love you too, Arch.”

After we hang up, I drag myself off the floor and set my old journal on the kitchen table. The good thing about a middle of nowhere town like this, the grocery store is also the only place to buy clothes and shoes. So, I can kill several birds with one stone.

 

 

Jace

After several drinks, the edge of my pain and memories has been smoothed down to a manageable level. I’m ready to complete my initial task of getting groceries and getting back to the cabin to continue drinking myself into a near coma.

I settle my tab and zip my coat back up, not looking forward to braving the chill outside. Blake was right, I was crazy for coming to northern Wisconsin in December for vacation.

“Be seeing you around?” Blake asks.

“Yeah, I’ll be here a few weeks; I’m sure I’ll be stopping by. Have a good night.”

The frigid air freezes in my lungs as soon as I step outside. I pull my hood tight around my ears and trek down the street to the superstore. It’s the only chain store in the small town, and it put a few local stores out of business when it went up.

I grab a cart and start walking up and down the aisles, filling it up with anything that looks good and easy. The fluorescent lights bathe everything in a harsh light; the overhead speakers play a generic, upbeat song. I feel like I’m in one of Dante’s circles of hell, but I’m not sure which one.

I toss a few cans of soup into the cart and continue to the next aisle to get some cleaning supplies, so I don’t live in dust and grime for the next few weeks. As I round the corner, trying not to knock into the obtrusive endcap, I stop in my tracks.

No way. No fucking way.

I shake my head, willing the unwanted apparition to evaporate. I blink and blink, unable to understand why he doesn’t disappear. There’s no way it’s real. It’s an absolute impossibility that Lincoln fucking Miller is standing two feet away, in the goddamn grocery store in Mount Pleasant, Wisconsin.

He seems engrossed, comparing two different brands of mold and mildew remover, and my body goes into flight mode. I need to get the hell out of here before he spots me. I need to abandon my shopping cart and flee not only the store, but the fucking state. I’ll get on a flight straight to the Florida Keys. That’s a much more sensible vacation spot anyway.

I back up rapidly, forgetting about the obnoxious display behind me, sending it toppling over with a loud clatter.

Lincoln’s head whips up, and I hold my breath, wondering if there’s any possibility he won’t see me or won’t recognize me.

He freezes as our eyes meet, blinking several times as if to clear his vision just as I had done. My heart slams against my ribcage like a bird trying to be set free. Fuck Lincoln Miller for leaving me ten years ago. Fuck him for having the nerve to come back when I’m trying to set my heart free of him once and for all. And fuck him for being even more beautiful than I remember, with his arms covered in breathtaking, colorful ink, his eyes full of pain.

“Jace?” he asks in a whisper, dropping the items he’s holding and striding over to me like I might vanish any second.

The desire in his eyes and the way he reaches for me shakes me out of my stupor. I square my shoulders, and I let all the hurt and rage overtake any feelings of joy my idiotic heart is feeling at seeing Linc again.

“Well, if it isn't the Lord of Douche himself,” I quip.

Lincoln’s face falls, and he looks around as if he’s just now realizing he’s not in some sort of dream.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t expect…”

“Yeah. life is full of the unexpected,” I agree venomously. “Listen, I’d better go. Have a nice life.”

He doesn’t say anything as I rush past him without a backward glance.

If he’s here, that means he’s staying in his old cabin, right? How the hell am I going to avoid him when he’s ten yards away? How long is he staying?

I check out in a daze and then hurry to my car. As soon as I’m inside, I pull out my phone and call Joel.

“Hey, what’s up, bro? How’s the cabin?”

“He’s here,” I blurt, glancing out my car window like I’m afraid he’s suddenly going to pop up and start banging to be let in, like a serial killer in a horror movie.

“Who’s there?” Joel asks.

“Him.”

“Lincoln’s there? Holy shit. What the fuck is he doing there?”

“I don’t know. I saw him, and then I made some snarky comments and booked it. What the fuck am I going to do? This was supposed to be time for me to unwind and refresh, now my fucking ex is going to be right out my back door, torturing me.”

“Back door,” Joel snorts a laugh.

“Jesus, Joel, can you pretend you’re actually a thirty-year-old man and not a fifteen-year-old, for two damn minutes?”

“Sorry, I’m sorry. Listen, I don’t think you should let him chase you off. Maybe this is what you need to finally move on: closure. He left you without an explanation all those years ago and that’s why you’ve been stuck on him. Maybe if you can clear the air, you’ll finally be able to move forward and be happy.”

“Fuck, maybe you’re right. Tell you what, I’ll stay a few days and see how I feel. If it sucks, I’m on a plane to fucking Cancun by the end of the week.”

“That’s fair.”

“Okay, thanks for the advice. I’ll talk to you later, love you, bro.”

“Love you too, kid.”

I hang up and bang my head on the steering wheel a few times. Then I pull myself together and head back to the cabin, hoping like hell not to run into Lincoln again when I get there.

 

 

Lincoln

I pull back the curtains and peek at Jace’s place for the fifth time. He’s only a few feet away, and everything inside me is telling me to go over there and say some magic words to make the world right again.

I was stunned beyond words when I looked up and saw Jace in front of me at the grocery store. He was always cute, all scrawny and nerdy with his thick rimmed glasses. The glasses are still there, but any traces of the awkward boy I fell in love with are gone. He’s a man now. A very pissed off man. I can’t blame him; I hate me for what I did, too.

My heart aches as I look at the warm glow of lights coming from the cabin behind mine. I can just barely see the shadow of Jace moving around inside, so close and yet completely unreachable.

I would give up everything for a second chance with Jace. Maybe that’s what this is, a second chance to get it right. But first, I need to prove to him that I won’t make the same mistakes twice.

I don’t know how long he’s going to be here, so I need to make a plan. Tonight, I’ll clean up and come up with a plan of attack. And tomorrow, I start trying to win Jace back.

I strip my bed of the musty old sheets and replace them with the fresh sheets I got at the store. Then I strip out of my clothes and leave them in a pile. I slide between the sheets, pulling the comforter up to my chin, and I let myself pretend for just a second that I’m seventeen again and in a few minutes, Jace will be climbing through my window and keeping me up all night.