Track 2: Side B

17 Dreams

 

Lincoln

I was seventeen years old. Nerves fluttered in my stomach as we waited backstage to go up for our first ever paying gig. Okay, backstage may be a bit generous. It was technically the employee break room in a dive bar just outside Cleveland. But it was our first paying gig. We got paid fifty bucks each, and there were people in the bar who were going to hear us play.

“This is so wild,” Lando said, peeking his head out the door to see how many people were out there. “There has to be at least a dozen or more people out there. And they’re, like, complete strangers. This isn’t like playing for my mom and her friends.”

“We’re like a real band now,” Benji agreed, sweeping his long hair off his shoulder and bouncing on his toes. “I did invite London, so it’s not completely strangers, but still.”

“Ugh, your boyfriend is skewing our numbers,” Lando complained.

“London isn’t my boyfriend,” Benji argued. “He’s just my friend.”

“Ben, you and I are friends, and I’ve never sucked your dick,” Lando pointed out. Benji’s face flamed red, and he shut up before he could dig his hole any deeper. “Did anyone else invite people?” Lando asked.

Jude shook his head and twirled his drumsticks, and I glanced at my phone for the hundredth time, hoping to see a message from Jace.

Normally, I wouldn’t have any hope of seeing him between the end of August and late May, since I lived in Ohio and he lived in Washington state. But, as luck would have it, he was in Ohio with his family, visiting his aunt for Thanksgiving. He told me she’d just gotten a divorce, so they were making sure she didn’t spend her first holiday alone. I knew it was a longshot if he’d be able to slip away for a few hours to see me. But then my band got booked for our first real gig, and I called Jace that night, begging him to try to come. He told me he’d do everything in his power to make it, but I hadn’t heard from him all day.

“Why do you look so bummed? This is the beginning of the rest of our lives.” Jude slapped me on the back.

“I know, I’m excited. I just haven’t heard from Jace. He was going to try to come, but I don’t think he’ll be here.”

“That sucks,” Lando commiserated.

The manager came back and signaled us it was time to go up on stage. I sucked in a deep breath, butterflies at war in my stomach and an excited buzz all over my skin. I looked back at my band, my best friends, my brothers and exchanged a fist bump with each of them.

“Let’s fucking do this,” I whispered excitedly.

“Hell yeah,” Lando agreed while Benji and Jude whooped with excitement.

We climbed up onto stage, not at all bothered that the bar patrons couldn’t seem to care less about a band getting ready to play.

I slipped my guitar strap over my head—a present from Jace last year for my birthday—and glanced back to make sure the rest of the guys are in position and ready to go.

My eyes traveled over the small group, and in the back corner, my eyes snagged, and my stomach swooped. A smile quickly spread across my lips, and my nerves were instantly gone.

Hi, I mouthed at Jace.

Hi, he mouthed back.

And that’s how I played my first paying gig, with a goofy smile on my face and so much love in my heart I thought it might burst.

 

 

After our set, I put my guitar down and hopped off the stage, making a beeline for Jace. My fingers were itching to feel his skin, and my lips craved his.

He stood in the back of the bar waiting for me with a smile on his face. When I reached him, my heart was pounding so hard I thought it might beat right out of my chest. I pulled him into my arms and rested my forehead against his, letting our breaths mingle and our noses brush against each other.

“You came,” I whispered, running my fingers through his hair.

“I wouldn’t have missed it for the world. You were so great up there. You’re going to be a rock star, and I’m going to be beating men and women away from you with a stick.”

“I’ll only ever be yours,” I promised him as excitement washed over me at the rest of the picture he painted. A rock star, how amazing would that be? Maybe one day…

I pressed my lips to his, not caring who saw. I knew one day I would stand up in front of the world and call Jace my husband. Someday, we’d be together for real, without thousands of miles between us nine months out of the year.

“I love you,” I murmured against his lips. “I love you so much.”

“God, Linc, I love you too. More than I ever thought I could love someone.”

Another kiss, this time our lips parted, and our tongues caressed and explored each other, refamiliarizing after three months apart. It was bitter sweet. A small respite before six more months apart. But after next summer, everything would be different. We’d be graduating, and we’d been talking about going to the same college. This would be the last six months we’d ever be apart, and that thought filled my heart with joy, chasing out all the dark corners.

“Do you have to go back to your aunt’s house right away?”

“Yeah. I wish I didn’t have to, but I told them I was going for a drive. I couldn’t think of any good lies.”

“I understand. Call me later? I love hearing your voice before I fall asleep.”

“You’re such a sap,” Jace teased.

“Hey, you love my wounded artist soul as you so lovingly put it.”

“I do,” Jace agreed. “I’ll miss you. I can’t wait for it to be summer again.”

“Me too, Freckles. Me too.”

 

 

Two Years Later

“Holy shit, do you hear that?” Jude said, putting his ear to the green room door. He turned around with a smile, equal parts excited and terrified. “I can hear the crowd from here. This is fucking insane.”

Jude did a little victory dance while Lando and I forced smiles. I didn’t know what was going on with Lando, but he’d been different the past few weeks—quieter, sadder. I’d have thought he’d be thrilled about starting our first tour. Our first album had topped charts with multiple songs, and almost all the venues for the tour were sold out. This was it, all our dreams coming to fruition.

So why did it feel so hollow?

“You guys ready?” Archer popped his head through the door to ask.

“Hell yeah!” Benji shouted, jumping on Jude’s back and doing a lasso motion over his head.

That cracked a smile on Lando’s face, but I still couldn’t muster it. All I could think about was our very first gig and how it felt to see Jace in the crowd.

I wondered how much he hated me for leaving. How much he hated me for “Cherry Lane.” Would he ever forgive me? Would I ever have the chance to explain why I had to do what I did?

Then I pictured him at the University of Michigan, one of the best schools to study epidemiology, enjoying the benefits of a full-ride scholarship. It was all he ever wanted; of course, I had to make sure he followed his dream. After all, there I was following mine.

I followed the guys out of the green room, onto the stage. The crowd roared, and it was everything I’d dreamed of since I was just a little boy rocking out to Led Zeppelin in my bedroom.

I glanced back at my band, fixing a smile on my face.

“Hello, New York!”

Another loud roar from the crowd and my smile turned genuine. And then we played, the music a baptism for my fractured soul.