So many thoughts are hurtling through my head. I cannot be a Bruma, I was born on Osolis.
This is why I have been veiled my whole life. It has to be. There is nothing else obviously wrong with my face - but this. Anyone who saw me on Osolis would know. I scrunch my eyes closed, relieved when the offensive blue eyes are gone from my sight. Really I don’t know anything of the time surrounding my birth, only what I have been told. Obviously lies.
Either my mother was not my mother or my father was not my father. Or could this be some bizarre birth defect? The thought of the Tatum taking in a child who was not hers, was as ridiculous as the thought of her having sex with a Bruma. The possibilities tumult over each other in my mind, piling up and crushing me underneath them. Moments from losing control, I place my hands on the wall and focus on the stone texture underneath them.
Were Olandon and the twins even my brothers? Did I have anyone in this world? No wonder the King had reacted with such horror. My mother was tricking two worlds by keeping such a secret. The people would not stand for it.
I open my eyes again and my breath becomes short. I cannot look at the heart-shattering sight anymore. I pull my veil back down and stumble backwards. The lip of the tub digs into my knees and I throw myself forward to avoid falling. Flinging my hands outwards, I crash into the mirror and the loud shattering noise pierces through the bathroom like a knife.
I’m on my hands and knees when the door bursts open. My group of watchmen barge through the door and drop to my side.
Fiona pushes through them.
My tongue is heavy and numb. “I’m sorry,” I say in a thick voice.
Fiona hushes me and makes me stand to check over my arms and legs. I have cuts all over my forearms where I tried to protect my face. The ladies exclaim over them and tell the guards to bring me down to the parlour where they can get the glass out. The problem being my legs are shaking too much to walk.
The older guard who never loses his professionalism picks me up and takes me downstairs. The ladies cluck over me, I stare and do not speak while they clean my arms. They try several times to engage me in conversation and I know from their voices and shared glances my reaction is worrying them.
I summon the effort to reassure them so they do not look more into the accident than I wish them to. I don’t want them alerting their husbands and for the incident to somehow get back to the King. He will guess that I have looked at my face. Speaking for the first time, I tell them a lie of how my brother cut his face on glass and how traumatising the episode had been to me. I apologise for being absent. The smashing glass had taken me back. It had caught me unawares.
I ask to return to the castle to rest. When Fiona starts apologising for my injuries, I cut her off with a hug. I hug Jacky and Sadra too, surprising them. I need some comfort because a startling thought has occurred to me while Fiona had been cleaning my wound.
We start back up to the castle, wedged between our guards, and I am lost in my own thoughts.
I had assumed my mother had been the one antagonising Glacium, but I wondered now if Jovan did not have his own agenda. I generally thought well of him. He could be arrogant, but I knew this was due to his position, his need to prove his worth despite his age and perhaps due to more than his fair share of grief. When I was around him, I did not think he was inherently evil like my mother. In fact, I had started looking forward to our conversations. But what if he had been using me? I knew I was to be used eventually in one way or the other. Whether for information or as a hostage. Though, the likelihood of this happening had been getting lesser every day. Why would he bother getting to know someone he was going to torture? I had expected to be used in this way, but now he held an ace in his hand which was much more effective. Blackmail, anarchy or ridicule. The possibilities were endless. Who would follow a Tatum with a Bruma child? I remember him lying to me the other day about not receiving a reply from my mother. If you had asked me if he was capable of using me in this way before then, I would have said no. Now, I was not so sure. If he was hiding that, what else would he hide?
We enter the castle, only to be intercepted by my favourite person.
“Excuse me, Tatuma. May I have a word with you?” Arla asks.
“No,” I say and continue walking.
“Please.” Her tone is desperate. Most of it put on, but part of it is real.
I sigh and wave Jacky, Sadra and Fiona onwards. They leave after some persuasion. I instruct the guards to wait at the bottom of the stairs and follow Arla as she leads me into a room on the upper level. She walks, hips swaying, over to a table lined with coloured bottles and brushes.
“We have a problem, Solati.” Her desperate tone is gone.
I feel my eyebrows lift at her address. “I believe I have told you to call me by my title once before.”
She sneers as she sprays some strong smelling concoction around her head and looks in the mirror above the table. She looks at me in the reflection, applying something to her lips now. “I’m not sure if you know, but Jovan and I sleep together. A lot. His room is just down the hall.”
Hah! Jacky was right. “I would have thought he had better taste,” I say. She opens her mouth to snap back, but I cut her off before she can speak. I’m past caring what toes I step on today. “Get to the point.”
“Here is my point. You may mistakenly think my Jovan has been showing interest in you. I called you up here to warn you - one female to another - what you’re seeing isn’t interest. It’s pity.” She follows her words with what I think is supposed to be a sympathetic look. It falls more into the category of a patronising grimace. But the desperation in her voice is back. She is truly worried that Jovan is interested in me.
I take my time picking my response, opting for the speediest way of getting out of the room. I sigh loudly. “I knew he wasn’t interested in me. He only ever talks of you when we are together.” Her eyes light up, only dimming slightly when I mention Jovan and I being together.
“What does he say?” She walks forward and stands in front of me, failing to conceal a beaming smile.
“Oh, this and that. How beautiful you are and how well you organised the snowfast ball. Nearly better than his mother, he said,” I say. A childish part of me hopes that if Jovan is using me, he ends up with this nasty woman.
“Really?” she says, dancing around the room.
I make a grunt of agreement. “If that is all…” I make a move to the door.
“Yes, yes, yes. Go.” She shoos me to the door, but grabs my forearm as I swing it open. I wince as she squeezes one of the cuts.
“You know what? We should be friends. You can sit with me at the front table every so often. It will give you a break from those stupid men you sit with. In return, you could tell me what Jovan says about me when he lets you near him.”
If I were not so distracted by my recent discovery, I would have collapsed to the floor with laughter. “I would be honoured. You’d really do that for me?” I ask. She nods back and winks.
“Thanks, Arla.” I shut the door behind me and take a moment to gather myself after the baffling encounter.
A body brushes past me as I start towards the stairs again. Macy darts a timid look at me before shuffling down the stairs.
Macy is out of her room and my guards are downstairs. The chance is too good to pass up.
I walk to her door, scanning the hall and listening for breathing or footsteps. I let myself into the room with a small creak. Time is short, I hold my veil up with one hand. The room is filled with expensive belongings. Things are glinting and shining all over the room. Instead of brightening the room, it gives it an eerie feel. The rest of the décor is dark, and everything is meticulously placed. A table sits in the corner. I move swiftly to it, heart hammering. There is nothing of interest there. He is too smart to leave something in plain sight. I scan the room again and freeze at the sound of voices outside the door. I dash behind the screen blocking the chamber pot from view and crouch in the corner. I let my veil down as the door swings open.
“No, go ahead. I just want to grab something,” someone says. It’s Macy.
“I’ll save a spot for you.” Arla is there. If she’s going downstairs, my guards will see her and soon be up.
The door closes. “I’ll save a spot for you,” Macy mimics Arla in a high voice. If I was not terrified of being caught, I would laugh and congratulate her for seeing through Arla’s pretences.
She is not in the room long and luckily she does not need to relieve herself. There is a clanging as a lid is removed and then replaced. It’s coming from the far side of the room.
The door bangs a little as she leaves the room. Flicking my veil back, I peek to make sure she is actually gone. I don’t have much time. There is a silver urn across from me with a lid. I skim across to it and lift the lid quietly.
There are papers in there. Stacks of them. I grab one and read its contents. There are more papers in here than I have time to go through. I open my coat and tuck my tunic into my trousers and then stuff all the papers down. I run to the table and grab half of the papers off, fold them in half, and put them in the urn.
One of my guards is still at the bottom of the stairs, the others are most likely trying to find me. The guard gives out an audible sigh, but does not say anything. I make a quick trip to my room to deposit the papers. By the time I come out, two more of the guards have found us. I go briefly to the dining hall, using the mirror incident as an excuse to leave soon after eating. I grab much more food than I usually do.
“I see you’re finally making an effort to grow,” Sanjay says.
“It’s for Kaura,” I say and force a laugh out.
Back in my quarters, Kaura bounds up to me. I lower to my knees, and collect her to me, trying to steal some comfort and ground myself. She senses my mood and begins to whine and lick my face.
I sit holding her for a long time. Finally, my head quiets enough that I make another discovery so crushing I’m not sure I want to think about it. With blue eyes, all my grand dreams for Osolis were forfeit. I would never be Tatum. Solati would not accept a woman who had conceived a child with a Bruma and they definitely would not accept a ruler who was half-Bruma. When mother had told me I would be the ruin of our world, she had been telling the truth.
The only way I could rule would be to keep my veil on and go back to my lonely life. And even then I would have to trust King Jovan not to use it against me for the duration of my life. And then there were my children who would have my Bruma heritage. Glacium would always have a hold over us if I became ruler.
“What am I going to do?” I ask Kaura in a whisper. Did I give up my identity for my dreams, or did I give up my dreams for my identity and the future safety of Osolis? Hot tears spill over my cheeks as I sob and hold her to my chest. I look into her blue eyes and think of my own. What a mess. The crunching of paper underneath my tunic reminds me I have something else to do.
I scan through all the documents, throwing the last paper away from me. There is plenty in there to incriminate Blaine, but nothing about plans to kill me. Yet another dead end. I wonder why he has kept all these documents. I would have burnt them as soon as I had read them, if they were mine. The information was useless in helping to find the killer, but it was information I would keep. I spend the next couple of hours hiding the papers and then fling myself onto the bed, completely exhausted.
My mind won’t rest. I turn my thoughts to Kedrick’s assassin to distract myself. There is only one other lead I have left.
Tomi had said the Seedyr wood was harvested in the first sector. The assembly would leave for the first sector in two days. The timing was perfect. I could travel with them most of the way. This way I didn’t have to escape the castle and I wouldn’t get lost. The King was also away and he was the only other person who knew what I looked like, which would make it easy to escape. I would be back before him. His anger would be placated with the information I uncovered about the arrow. I had to go. I had promised Kedrick I would avenge him, but I also needed time to myself. I needed to gather myself and formulate some plan for my own future. I was done relinquishing control to my mother and Jovan.
Everything I would need to survive the cold, I had gotten from my birthday party all those months ago. The weather would be a great deal warmer in the first sector, too. Food was the only item I did not have. I would stockpile it over the next two days.
And I do exactly that. I’m glad Rhone is not here, he would have noticed straight away. I pack all my belongings into Kedrick’s bag, which I still have from our Oscala journey. It seems like an eternity ago. The assembly is meeting in the courtyard. I stuff the remaining part of the arrow shaft and fletching into my boot, then shoulder my bag and whistle to Kaura.
Only half of the assembly is present.
“Where is everyone?” I ask Roman.
He jumps down from helping to pack the sled. “Only half of the assembly goes at a time. There aren’t enough sleds. The people closest to the King’s table go first. The others are collected in a week.” He helps another man to load a large chest.
It would have been easier to disappear with more people.
We start out soon after. I get in the sled with Adnan, Roscoe and two other advisors I don’t know, hoping for quiet. I’m wedged between Roscoe and Adnan, their body heat and my fur clothing keeps me toasty warm.
A shout stirs me from a deep sleep. I open my eyes and shift a little, before realising I have fallen asleep on Adnan’s shoulder.
“Sorry,” I mumble, still half asleep. I hadn’t gotten much sleep since seeing myself in the mirror. I kept having a nightmare where I was standing in front of a whole bunch of people without my veil on.
“No problem,” Adnan says. Even if it had been a problem, he would not have told me. He was too nice.
“You slept nearly the whole way. We will be stopping soon,” Roscoe says from my other side. I nod and straighten my veil, pushing the band down.
We stop at a place called an Inn. As foretold, the assembly proceeds to get roaring drunk. I sip away at a goblet, pouring the drink out when no one is looking. I’m still not comfortable with the drink. Malir comes over and sits with me. He is not drinking tonight.
“You know. If you get caught tipping that out, there are harsh penalties,” he says.
“Penalties? Like what?” I ask. I had not though this would be considered a crime.
“See that large urn over there?” he asks. I nod. “You have to drink all of that as fast as you can. Believe me, you don’t want to do that.” He shudders.
“Thank you for warning me.”
He chuckles, I am close enough to see the laugh lines around his eyes as they crinkle. I can’t believe how different my view of him is now. I used to be slightly afraid of him. I still wouldn’t want to get on his bad side.
“Adnan waters down his brew. He thinks we don’t know, but we do. You might want to do this instead. There are no rules against it. Yet,” he adds and gets up as Sadra yells at him from across the room.
I take his advice and fill my goblet with water. It’s much more manageable. I almost enjoy it.
The next day passes quietly because everyone is hung over. I ride with the same group who don’t seem too worse for wear. I think Fiona and Jacky may be a bit hurt I’m not riding with them, so I try to make up for it by spending the next evening with them. We are now on the edge of the first sector in the middle ring. This is my chance to run. The inn is surrounded by buildings. It will be an easy matter to lose anyone on my trail. I keep Kaura close the whole evening. I will have to leave her behind. It feels like I’m betraying her, but she is too young and I don’t wish for her to get injured. They will find her tomorrow and I’m sure one of my friends will look after her for a few days. I hug Jacky and Fiona again that night. They are too drunk to wonder why and I listen to their conversation for awhile. They are discussing the King’s tour. He is supposed to be in the fifth sector right now. Perfect.
Malir is not on duty tonight, he’s drinking with the others. Guards have been placed around the Inn. My guard has decreased with the watchmen needing to divide between the two groups of assembly members during the migration. I still have two personal guards, thankfully not the older guard who is more experienced than the others.
I sit in my room as the night goes on and silence falls, signalling the end of the festivities for another night. When the dark sky becomes darker still, I stand and stoop down to pick up Kaura.
“I love you, girl,” I say and kiss her on the nose. She whines in response. Still in my nightgown, I move to the door and swing it open.
“Sorry, I think she needs to go out. Do one of you mind?” I ask. The younger guard takes a whining Kaura from me and walks away. The other guard and I watch him go down the hall. I wait until the door swings shut behind the guard before hitting the remaining guard in the side of the neck and helping him to the ground. I heave him inside the room and close the door.
I dress in record time, pulling on the heavy coat and gloves. I rip off the veil and stuff it deep into the bag, then pull the fur hat on.
I deal with one more guard before reaching the outside gate to the Inn.
“Halt,” a voice says. There are three sets of footsteps.
Veni. I turn around to face the watchmen. “Yes?” I ask.
“What are doing here?” the tallest one asks.
I gesture at the building I have just left. “I was looking for a room at the Inn, but it’s bloody full,” I say.
The man glares at me. It is amazing what I can see without my veil on. “You shouldn’t be wandering around by yourself.”
“You my father now?” I ask, giving him a narrow look.
The watchman isn’t happy with that. He waves me on. I turn and walk away keeping my steps relaxed, just like I used to in the dining ring.
“Isaac, go and see where the fuck Rik is. The Commander will have his head if he finds out someone got in.” That’s my cue to get out of there.
I have no choice but to stick to the pathway as I leave. It is the most obvious route, but speed is my strategy for the moment. I start running once I hit the cobblestones and then begin zig-zagging between parallel lanes at random. The cold air stings my eyes. They water from the sensation. I can feel the air on my skin. I keep to the shadows, knowing nothing except the further I get from the Inn and the closer I get to the outer rings, the lesser my chance of being caught before I get my information.
Hours pass. The houses get smaller and closer together. The large lanes running between the blocks of homes turn into narrow pathways until eventually I’m creeping down an uneven cobbled space only wide enough for two people. Low ceilings jut out a couple of metres above my head. Jovan would have to stoop to walk down here. Half of the houses, if they can be called that, are in ruins; roofs caved in and gutted. Dark alleyways branch off at intervals. This must be the outer rings. Finding somewhere to stay until morning is my next priority. I have never been anywhere new by myself. How do I go about this? Do they have Inns here? Uneasiness twinges under my ribs.
My instincts have me stopping regularly to listen for noise. The hairs on the back of my neck start prickling. Someone is watching me.
There is a whistle to the side of me. Several other whistles break the silence of the night air. The whistles surround me in a circle. I can guess what that means. I take off at a sprint, winding through the narrow spaces.
I come to a fork in the path and dodge to the left. Hope flares as the path opens into a larger space. I slide around a collapsed building and slow, my hope replaced by dread at the large wall in front of me.