There’s a crash in the darkness. My body fumbles awake and I roll out of bed onto the ground beside it. The pitcher has been knocked over. I strain my ears. Someone is there, I know it. The silence is unnatural. My door closes and then there is the sound of quiet steps moving quickly down the passageway away from my room. Did the noise scare them off?
I wait for a long time. But there’s no further sound. Drawn as tight as a bowstring, I move to the door and replace the pitcher. The person is gone. The silence is normal again. Was it one of mother’s Elite? Was this what Aquin was warning me about?
I sit on the edge of my bed and place a hand over the wooden band circling my forehead. Sleeping again will not be possible. This room is too open, too easy to attack. The wall could be scaled and the door couldn’t be locked. It was the same for every room in the palace. I would need to find somewhere safer to sleep. I roll my neck around with a sigh and move to the opening to watch for more visitors. A couple more hours of sleep would be very welcome right now.
I decide not to tell anyone about the attack except Olandon and I only tell him because I have to sleep in his room. Aquin was still being distant and I was uncertain if I should put more pressure on him. Kedrick would just get angry and perhaps do something to upset the peace.
Mother had made other, more subtle, attempts to test me which I kept to myself entirely. One night in the ring, she had whispered abuse in my ear. Calling her bluff, I had begun standing on my chair intending to remove my veil, which had grabbed the full attention of the court. To cover it, she had grabbed my hand and praised a decision I made in meetings that day with the Satums. The court had murmured amongst themselves after, but for once it hadn’t been about me, it had been about my mother. It was another triumph, we both knew I had not attended any meetings. She hadn’t attempted this again.
Cassius finally leaves his room where he’s been hiding since the night I injured him. The dining ring is the loudest I can ever remember it being as the court speculates over his bruised face. Olandon doesn’t bother to hide his grin, though I kick and elbow him under the table. Kedrick, at least, remembers who and where he is and only permits himself to share one smirk with my brother before clearing his expression. I’m glad the two are getting on now. Some of the distance I’ve felt growing between my brother and I over the last few months has disappeared with it.
It has been on the tip of my tongue several times to tell Kedrick we cannot meet anymore. Olandon has continued to bring him up to Aquin’s under the guise that he and the prince are now friends. Every time I remember he is leaving in a handful of days, I shove any unease to the back of my mind and plan the next meeting. And I’ve been very uneasy, disquiet is a constant presence in my mind. My shoulders feel like they have been tense for weeks and I’m exhausted from lack of sleep.
I sit with Kedrick in Aquin’s training shed while he cleans up. Olandon is still stretching. It’s not really any cooler in the shade as the air itself is hot, but we trick ourselves into thinking it is. Aquin has avoided being alone with me with a vengeance. Whatever is going on so clearly bothers him, I have stopped trying to corner him.
“Lina,” Kedrick says. I’m alerted by his forced casualness. I turn to him. “I’m leaving in only a handful of days.”
Hearing him say it fills me with heartbreak. I’d been in strong denial as to how much his departure would affect me. He leans his elbows forward onto his knees.
“When I first came here I was determined to find a way to open up travel, or communication, between our worlds, for the good of both Osolis and Glacium. We each have resources the other could use.” He looks at me, and then back to the ground between his knees. “My reasons for why might have changed, but it is of no consequence. Your mother will have nothing to do with the idea,” he says the last part as though he has eaten something sour.
I don’t interrupt him, rarely having heard him so serious before. “I can’t think of any way we’ll be able to meet before this revolution is completed, two years from now.”
He sounds so forlorn, I do something I have never done before. I lean over and place a kiss on his soft lips, not caring that Aquin and Olandon can see. It is similar to our first kiss, but this time it spreads down my neck, tingling across my collarbone.
“If you kiss me like that again, I won’t be able to leave you,” he whispers. I sit back.
“I would like you to do something for me. Something I believe will mean a lot to both of us.”
My brows furrow as I try to guess what he means. “What?” I ask. I hope I’ll be able to give him this thing he wishes for. I would give him nearly anything, especially when he is this sombre. “I would consider it a great honour,” he says, and then swallows. “I’d consider it a great honour if you showed me your face.” My breath stops, and when he reaches a hand up I flinch, thinking he is going to remove my veil then and there.
“Shh, Lina. It’s okay.” He pats his hands in front of him. He must sense my panic because he hurries on with a look at Olandon who is turned and looking at us.
“I can give you freedom from your fear.” Kedrick looks down at me like I would look at a friend who was dying. “I just want you to think on it. If you say no, I’ll respect your wish and it won’t change how I feel about you.” A small thrill pushes through my panic.
“Give me the gift of seeing your face,” he whispers. “Then I will know however many times I’ve missed a first in your life while we are apart, I was the first to see you.” I feel a lump rise in my throat at his words. If I was unsure before, I know I love him now. I sniffle.
“It is not that I don’t trust you. I would be afraid for your safety if you saw. And my brothers’,” I lower my voice.
“Lina, we both know the threats your bitch of a mother made up, are stories designed to scare a child. She has ingrained this fear in you. And…I think you sometimes use it as an excuse.”
I try to summon anger, but cannot. My heart recognises the truth of his ruthlessly honest words.
“Besides.” He shuffles into a better position on the ground. “I can think of worse ways to die than looking at a pretty woman’s face.”
My brows crease at his rash comment and I wonder how he knows I will be pretty. I sit, running my fingers between the cracks on the ground, thinking over what he’s said. I watch Olandon offer to help Aquin with the equipment and smile as Aquin shakes his head.
“What is a bitch?” I ask some moments later.
Kedrick roars with laughter. It’s a while before he regains enough control to answer. “It’s slang for someone who is vicious. It is not a nice word. I shouldn’t have said it.” I nod, my assumption of its meaning confirmed.
“And what is shit, bloody hell and a fuck?” I ask.
This time he shakes with laughter and does not stop for a long time, going silent in places while his whole body twists side to side. He sits up, while he attempts to control the last aftershocks of laughter.
“I never thought I’d hear those words coming out of your prim mouth,” he gasps, wiping tears from his eyes.
My mouth drops open in outrage. “I’m not prim.” I cross my arms in front of my chest.
He pats my back, annoying me further. “I’m comparing you to the women on Glacium,” Kedrick says. “It’s not a bad thing, in fact, I prefer to know if we could ever become a normal couple, I will have been the only one to touch you.” His gaze moves down my body and the heat blooms on my skin under the trail of his gaze. I shiver.
“Where were we?” He puts his hands behind his head and lies back on the grass. “Ah, yes. Fuck, shit, and bloody hell.” He laughs again, shaking his head. “Well, ‘shit’ is a swear word to use when something doesn’t go as you would like. I’ve heard you use the word ‘Veni’ before and I think this means a similar thing. I will not tell you the real meaning of shit. It’s too rude for your ears.”
I huff and he sniggers.
“Hell or bloody hell,” he continues, “is used in the context I hear you use the word ‘Solis’ for. Hell describes a place full of flame and despair. A lot of people on Glacium actually call your world hell,” he says, looking like he regrets the comment. I’m sheepish myself because he has caught me cursing so much.
“Well it is certainly full of flame,” I say. “And fuck?”
He shifts a little. “Fuck is generally considered the worst of all the swear words. It conveys ultimate frustration and anger. But it means other things, too.”
“Like what? Fuck,” I say, trying the word out. I think it is my favourite one so far. It’s satisfying.
Kedrick shifts a little and grins. “It also means, uh…making children.”
“Oh.” My face is hot from training, but it gets hotter still. “You have a lot of words for making children on your world.”
Kedrick grins and closes his eyes. “It’s because we spend a lot of time trying to make them. I would give two or three fingers to see your face when you see our world.” He chuckles and closes his eyes. He seems very confident I will go to Glacium.
Not even a day later, I know my answer to Kedrick’s request. He’s right. My own fear is holding me back. To my surprise, the thought of him seeing my face is not as terrifying as it once was. Perhaps it’s because I know how much he loves me. Another part of my mind reasons I won’t have to live with his reaction if he doesn’t like my face because he leaves in two days. A bigger part says this is also a good thing because mother will not be able to kill him if she finds out I have shown him.
I hope he likes my face. It is a childish, vain concern. Kedrick fell in love with me without seeing my face. I must trust he will love me still once I’m unveiled.