Three Weeks Later…

“For the love of everything evil, what fresh hell is this?” I muttered, running my hands through my hair and taking in the well-dressed catastrophe assembled in my office.

“Surprise,” my mother sang, making herself comfortable and placing a cake iced in runny black and red frosting with little plastic Demons all over it on my coffee table. My mother couldn’t cook to save her life. Of course, her life wasn’t in danger since she was a True Immortal and couldn’t be killed without a Hell of a lot of planning and the willingness to die.

Why was I being tortured with a cake? It wasn’t my birthday. I’d recently found out that monumental occasion was April 1^st. I planned to make it a national holiday that would whip my nephew Jesus’s birthday into oblivion. However, my newly discovered birthday was months away. So the cake—if one could describe it as such—wasn’t for my birthday.

Mother Nature waved her hand and set the tiny plastic Demons ablaze. The whistling as the plastic burned made it sound as if the Demons were screaming. It was an impressive touch, but I wasn’t going to eat that cake unless my own life depended on it.

With another wave of her well-manicured hand, my mother produced plate and forks.

Not a good sign.

“Aren’t you going to say hello?” she inquired innocently with a breathtaking smile.

My mother’s beauty was as legendary as her lack of culinary skills—and her nightmare inducing pole dancing. However, I wouldn’t trust her as far as I could throw her and that was out of the question. It definitely wasn’t wise to fuck with Mother Nature.

“No,” I said rudely. “I’m not.”

A few of my nearest and dearest—for lack of a more fitting term—were scattered about my massively opulent office in the Dark Palace. My mother, clad in some horrifyingly expensive, peach gossamer robe with hot pink flowers bursting from it, lounged on a black leather couch with a flock of teal colored parrots hovering around her. Her cake looked as if it would blow any second. The birds eyed it hungrily. I hoped they ate it. It would save me having to kill them. If even one of those flying shitbags took a crap on my priceless antiques it was going to suffer a colorfully violent death. Mother Nature rarely ventured out of Nirvana without her zoo. Lucky me…

My father stood next to her looking quite serious. His small stature belied his vast power. A solemn expression was unusual for him. As a Sprite, he was ridiculously joyous—a trait I secretly enjoyed but would never cop to. It didn’t enhance my reputation to be soft.

And I was all about the reputation.

Standing by the massive stone fireplace were my pain-in-the-ass nieces, Astrid and Tiara. Neither would make eye contact and both appeared to be wildly interested in silently studying the onyx marble floor. This of course didn’t bode well since neither of them owned a filter and usually talked so much I was constantly tempted to smite them to permanent silence. As part Vampyre-part Demons, the two were an anomaly. Not to mention Tiara was also had a fair amount of Fairy thrown in. Beautiful, profane and not in the least bit terrified of me. While this was normally refreshing, today I was in no mood to banter. I had a Siren to track down. I had no time for a certifiable family gathering.

Expelling a long breath that sounded very much like a displeased hiss, I observed the group through narrowed eyes. They clearly had something to say to me. It was highly unusual to have so many of them gathered in Hell at one time—especially uninvited.

“Speak,” I said tersely. I was getting warm and fuzzy feelings from these people, which did not sit well with me. Arguments and general discord were far more pleasurable.

“Darling,” my mother announced grandly with a little wave and a giggle. “We’ve come for an intercourse.”

Raising my brow and biting back a grin, I shook my head. “I’ll pass. While sexual debauchery is a hobby of mine… that particular suggestion goes a little past my comfort zone.”

“Oh my freakin’ Uncle God,” Astrid gasped out, unsuccessfully trying to swallow her grunt of laughter. “We are not here for intercourse.”

“That’s certainly a relief,” I said, seating myself behind my mahogany desk and placing myself in the position of power. I was a ridiculously handsome bastard from all angles, but straight on I was the most foreboding. Leaning forward and letting my chin rest on steepled fingers, I cut to the chase. “To what do I owe this alarmingly horrifying visit?”

“Lucifer,” my mother chided beginning to spark ominously. “That’s rude. I’m missing my programs and a pole dancing exhibition in Iceland to be here.”

“Far be it from me to stop you from getting frozen to a pole, Mother,” I said flatly. “Since we’ve ruled out fornication though, would someone like to enlighten me as to why you’re trespassing?”

“I told you,” she said with a pout. “We’re here for an international and I baked you a cake.”

“Umm, close, but not quite the right word,” Astrid corrected my certifiable mother.

“Internet?” She tried again.

“No,” Astrid replied, attempting to stay polite.

Mother Nature was tricky and prone to colossal property damage when she got cranky. It usually took a week to undo the havoc she created. I was in no frame of mind to remove a jungle from my palace today.

“Interstate?” my mother took another crack at it.

“No.”

“Intermission?”

“How about interruption?” I supplied, helping her out. “Uncalled for, unpleasant, impolite, ill-mannered interruption.”

“But you love all those attributes,” Astrid pointed out as her partner in crime, Tiara, nodded her head in agreement.

“Only when I’m the perpetrator,” I replied with an eye roll. “And as you can see, I’m a busy man today. I have chaos to create and lives to ruin. Get to the point and get out.”

“Somebody needs to get laid. Then maybe he wouldn’t be acting like such a little shit,” my mother said under her breath.

It took all I had not to blast my mother right out of Hell, but the ramifications of the removal were unthinkable. My mother was the only one in the Universe that could get away with calling me a little shit and live to speak of it. The real reason I let it go was because I’d heard her call my brother, God, the same thing. I knew the bastard phoned her on a regular basis. It chafed my ass that my brother had racked up more brownie points with our certifiable matriarch than I had. God was the ultimate kiss-ass just as I was the ultimate bad boy.

Astrid stepped forward quickly and placed herself in front of my mother. She was a smart cookie. I was teetering on the edge of madness at the moment and even I wasn’t quite sure what I was capable of.

Touching the breast pocket of my custom Armani suit, I felt Elle’s soul. The aura around her soul was the only thing that calmed me as of late. Now I just needed my family to leave so I could figure out how to find her, drag her back to Hell and chain her to me for eternity.

“We’re here for an intervention,” Astrid said, stating their purpose clearly. “You’re acting weird and we’re worried.”

“Did you say weird?” I asked, letting her announcement sink in.

“Totally fucking weird,” Tiara added. “I mean you didn’t even notice all the new office supplies on your desk.”

Glancing down, I realized Tiara was correct. The surface of my desk was covered in pens, paperclips, calculators and protractors. It was delightful. How did I miss this?

“Did you steal them?” I inquired.

Tiara moved to Astrid and placed her hands over her sister’s ears. “Yep, I stole them, but only because I knew that would make you happy. I feel kind of freakin’ icky about it, but I have to admit it was fun.”

“You realize I can hear you, right?” Astrid told her sister with an impressive eye roll.

“Whoops, my bad,” Tiara said with a laugh as she removed her hands from Astrid’s ears.

“You’re half Demon, sweetheart,” Mother Nature told Tiara, rearranging the flaming Demon cake toppers so they didn’t melt onto my priceless table. “That kind of behavior is to be expected. It’s like taking a naughty vitamin. A little pilfering here and there will keep you from blowing up continents. Don’t worry your lovely little undead head about it.”

“I don’t need an intervention and I don’t need to be poisoned by a cake. I have a meeting about my movie deal and then I have to corrupt a few more politicians. It’s a busy job being the Harbinger of Evil.”

“What about looking for Elle?” Astrid questioned, finally getting to the real reason they were here if the surprised gasps were anything to go by.

Slamming my hands down on my desk, a few protractors took flight and decapitated several of Mother Nature’s birds. I shrugged and smiled. As they had been poised to shit on my turn of the century armoire, it was only fitting. I wanted to blow up the entire Dark Palace, but that would be counterproductive. While I enjoyed destruction tremendously, I wasn’t fond of blowing up my home.

“Well, that was uncalled for,” Mother Nature snapped.

“It was an accident,” I replied smoothly. Ironically it was sort of an accident—however, accident or not it was fortuitous.

“There are no accidents, Lucifer,” my mother replied cryptically.

“Touché,” I replied flatly.

“Alrighty then,” my father said, patting my mother’s hand lovingly or more likely holding it so she didn’t zap me. “Son, while decapitation and movie deals sound, umm… fun, Astrid and Tiara are correct. You’re not being yourself. We love you and insist on helping you.”

With an exasperated sigh, I banged my head on my desk avoiding the protractors. Killing more birds would surely bite me in the ass. “I’m the fucking Devil—the Fallen Angel—the baddest of the bad guys. I do not need or want help from anyone. You people are insane.”

“Sweetie, you simply punish the evildoers. I’ve told you this a million times,” Mother Nature explained as if I didn’t know what the Hell I did. “You didn’t create evil, you simply penalize those who choose that path. Anyhoo, from what I understand, you’re not even doing that lately. Hence the interception.”

“Intervention,” Astrid corrected her.

“Whatever. Lucifer needs to pull up his big boy panties and quit wallowing. It’s not becoming.”

“First of all, I go commando,” I told my mother. “And secondly, I’m not wallowing. I’m scheming, which is entirely different.”

“That’s my boy,” my father said with a thumbs up of approval. “What do we have planned?”

“We have nothing planned,” I replied curtly.

“Well, I do,” Mother Nature announced as her remaining birds squawked around her in excitement. “I’ve decided to play myself in the movie version of your autobiography slash romance. No one can play me except me. I’ll be brilliant—probably win a Grammy.”

“An Oscar,” Astrid corrected her.

“That too,” she said, clasping her hands together in delight and probably mentally composing her acceptance speech.

“Umm, no,” I said with the smallest shudder I could get away with. “You’re barely in the book and that’s an appalling idea.”

With a hiss of displeasure, Mother Nature stomped her Chanel clad foot and a jungle of epic proportions erupted from the marble floor. Trees, a babbling fucking brook and about twenty monkeys now defiled my office.

“Look what you made me do, Lucifer,” my mother snapped. “I let you get away with the birds because I’m in a forgiving mood—and I’m fairly certain they were about to relieve themselves on your furniture, but you’ve gone too far this time. Keep going and you’ll have a new volcano in Hell.”

“Not a problem,” I snapped back. “I can throw the monkeys into it.”

“Mmmkay,” Astrid said quickly before the spat could escalate to a bloodbath. “While this is a… umm, really healthy family discussion all, it’s also a motherhumpin’ shit show waiting to happen. And PS Uncle Fucker, you’re not the only person who’s busy. I’m missing afternoon nookie with Ethan while my baby naps to be here to kick your sorry ass. So let me just lay this shit out for you. You need to get off your butt, quit being weird, and go after Elle. I don’t believe for one ball-eating second that you’re going to let that shifty, beautiful, violent woman slip through your fingers. You’re far too much of a greedy bastard to let that happen.”

“Thank you,” I said. Had to acknowledge a compliment when one could.

“Welcome,” Astrid said.

“I agree with Astrid,” Mother Nature chimed in. “Elle’s such a lovely, uncontrollable, conniving, duplicitous gal. She’s just perfect for you.”

“Again. Thank you,” I replied. “However, Elle is not my problem. She left me and that’s that.”

“Liar, liar, Armani pants on blazing fucking fire,” Astrid informed me with a wide grin. “Dude, normally you’re an outstandingly shameless deceiver, but you’re sucking the big one at the moment,” Astrid informed me with a wide grin.

“Yep,” Tiara agreed. “Sucking huge gaping wads of ass.”

“Your language is appalling,” I told my niece.

“Thank you,” she said with a small curtsey.

Biting back my grin with effort, I considered the merit of having them help. I’d searched for three weeks and had come up empty-handed. Time was of the essence and I wasn’t winning. I hated not winning.

“I say you find that bee-otch Fate and let her know what’s what.” Tiara added her two cents.

Fate was in a tremendous amount to trouble. She’d tried to kill the woman I wanted and was clearly losing her debatably sane mind. Not a good thing for the future of mankind—or Immortals.

“That heinous piece of work has gone missing,” Mother Nature pointed out, tasting the goopy icing and then gagging. “Everything is a damned mess right now. If she falls down on the job like Satan is doing, we’re all pretty much screwed. I would assume she’s after Elle and her mother, Sadie.”

“Never assume,” I growled. The thought of Fate getting to what I wanted before I did was unacceptable. “Makes an ass out of you and me.”

“Well, at least we have lovely asses,” she observed aloud.

“Umm, right,” Astrid said with an eye roll that should have made her cross-eyed. “I’d like to point out that you’ve said thank you twice, Uncle Fucker. This is not fucking good—at all. It gives me gas which is impossible since I’m dead. Last time we were all potentially in a douche canoe without a paddle, you said to go on about our regular business and Fate would find us. So that’s what we’re going to do.”

“Still not following the we’re part,” I shot back.

“We’re going to Los Angeles with you for your movie negotiation. You’ll fuck it up like usual if left to your own devices. You need us and we’re going to be right there for you,” she announced with her eyes narrowed as if daring me to contradict her.

“Your confidence in me is wildly underwhelming,” I shot back dryly.

She did have a point though. Going about the usual business was the most logical thing to do… and dealing with humans made me a bit stabby. Perhaps I could use a buffer.

“Yep,” Astrid said with a wide grin and sparkling eyes. “I’m good like that. I was blackmailed into writing that piece of crap so I think it only fitting that I should be there when the abomination becomes a movie.”

“Tell me what you really think,” I replied drolly. Her horrid attitude did my soul good.

“We leave tomorrow,” Astrid said, ignoring my comment and plowing forward. “I need to go get laid by my sexy mate and you need to get your shit together. Is everyone in?”

“I’m in. Wouldn’t want miss Uncle Fucker aka Blade Inferno, the highest paid romance author in the world, and his big debut in the City of Angels,” Tiara said with a grin.

“I’m in, but not physically,” Mother Nature said cryptically. “I’m going to do a little investigating of my own. You will call me if I’m needed.”

“I’ll stay with Gaia,” my father said, taking my mother’s hand lovingly in his. “Less property damage that way.”

“Good plan,” Astrid said, pacing the jungle and swatting a few randy monkeys away. “We’ll meet at the studio in Los Angeles at nine AM sharp tomorrow. And if you don’t show up, Uncle Fucker, there will be Hell to pay—pun intended.”

“Apparently I have no choice,” I replied dryly, knowing full well that I did. I was the fucking Devil. I never did anything I didn’t want to do. However, I’d play along for the time being.

“Nope. No choice,” she said with a knowing wink. “Right now I’m the boss of you.”

“Hell, Heaven, and everything in between help us all,” Tiara said with a giggle.

I couldn’t have agreed more. However, I was getting nowhere on my own—which was shockingly appalling to me. Maybe my certifiable relations could get the ball rolling.

Time was ticking and my happiness was at stake.