SHANE. “There’s only one of us who doesn’t drink and it’s you Shane. It’s gotta be you,” Kace pleaded.

“Dude,” Ripp burped loudly, “I’m drunker than a motherfucker; I can’t drive.”

“Are you telling me there isn’t one in this entire house? Not one? Anywhere?” I asked.

She shook her head.

I turned toward Vee, “Is this a joke?”

“I don’t joke, so no. I don’t have one. I’m sorry, I’m drunk. Too drunk . We shouldn’t have had all the wine earlier,” Vee responded.

“I swear,” I sighed.

“And you probably ought to take my car and the kids. They’re still awake, and there are two car seats in the back,” Vee said as she reached into her purse.

I turned to face Kace and shrugged my shoulders, “Babe?”

“I’m sorry Shane. She’s,” she covered her mouth and appeared to almost vomit.

“I almost barfed,” Kace giggled.

I shook my head.

“I did. A little bit came up, but I swallowed it,” she laughed.

And everyone began to laugh. Everyone except me.

“I’m sorry Shane. You should take the kids. We have no business watching them, we’re drunk. It snuck up on me,” Kace giggled.

I shook my head and took the keys from Vee’s hand. Taking the kids for fifteen minutes was no big deal to me. Taking the kids to get tampons was a big deal. I didn’t really want to be seen in the store with a box of tampons. The condition of Ripp, Vee, and Kace was nothing short of awful. What started as a Dallas Cowboys football game on the television ended up being a drunken catastrophe.

“Fine, I’ll go. You coming?” I asked Ripp.

“Fuck yeah, I’ll go. But I ain’t carryin’ them fuckers to the register,” he laughed as he bent over to pick up Jessie.

I walked to where Casey was on the floor. After picking him up and Kissing Kace, we walked out to Vee’s SUV and started our trip to the CVS Pharmacy down the street. As I pulled up to the parking stall, I realized I knew absolutely nothing about buying tampons. I also realized I left in such a hurry, I forgot my phone.

As Ripp and I walked into the store, he immediately started being Ripp.

“Hey where’s the…”he screamed.

Before he finished speaking, I swung my arm his direction and punched him in the stomach.

“Dude, that was unnecessary,” he howled as he grabbed his stomach.

“Just follow me, I know where this stuff is, kind of,” I said as I raised Casey up far enough to rest him on my chest.

As we walked up to the tampon display, Ripp stared at the selection.

“Dude, they’ve got big and small. Shit, Does Kace have a big or small pussy,” Ripp asked.

“Ripp, shut the fuck up,” I snapped.

“Well, they do. Look at em. Light, Regular, and Super. So they’re big, medium and small. Look in the little window,” he said as he poked his finger into the cellophane on the side of the box.

“Well, shit,” I sighed.

“Just get one of each,” he shrugged.

“If I take home Super’s, and she doesn’t use Super’s, she’s going to be pissed. She’ll accuse me of not knowing what size pussy she’s got,” I said, frustrated at the fact they all weren’t the same size.

“Well, she’s tiny. Does she have a tiny pussy?” Ripp asked as he stared at the boxes, holding his finger to the box to compare the size of the tampon to the size of his finger.

“Ripp…”

“Ain’t none of these fuckers as big as a man’s cock, dude. Hell if she can fit your cock inside of her twat, she can shove any of these fuckers in there. Maybe all at once, huh?”

“Damn it, Ripp,” I growled.

“Well, I’m just saying. Dude, you’re hung like a mule. Maybe she doesn’t want to shove a big tampon in her little twat, hell I don’t know,” he hesitated and picked up a box and shook it as he looked at it.

“Maybe it’s supposed to be a pleasurable thing. You know, like a dildo. Vee’s got a dildo as big as a horse cock. Amazes me. But…”

“Ripp!”

He placed the box of tampons back on the shelf and shrugged, “Sorry bro. I’m just drunk.”

I stared at the boxes and tried to decide what to do. The smart choice was to get the light ones, and claim she had a tiny pussy. No girl wants to hear she has a big pussy, no matter what. If nothing else, she could use two. I grabbed the box and turned to walk toward the register.

“You getting’ the little guys?” Ripp asked as he ran to catch up with me.

“Yes,” I responded sharply.

“Good choice. It’s what I would have done,” he said as he adjusted Jessie on his arm.

I placed the tampons on the counter in front of the clerk. She appeared to be 18 years old or so. As she looked down at the tampons, she smiled. As she looked up, she smiled even more.

“You’re the boxer. Dekkar,” she giggled.

I nodded my head.

“My dad is a huge huge fan,” she smiled.

“Tell him I said thank you,” I smiled as I reached for my wallet.

“Would you consider signing something for him, he’d just die if you did. Say maybe like, uhhm, the receipt?” she asked.

“Sure,” I shrugged.

She rang up the tampons, and dropped them into a small plastic bag.

“That’s $7.32,” she smiled.

I handed her a ten dollar bill and waited for my change.

“Hey, not to be personal, but do girls like having big tampons in there or little ones, generally speaking?” Ripp asked.

“Ripp!” I shouted as I turned toward him and gave my best scowl.

“It’s okay. You’ve never bought them before?” she asked.

We both shook our heads. Ripp pulled the box from the sack and held it up in front of the clerk.

“He got her the little guys. His girl is small, like you. She’s maybe a buck and a nickel,” Ripp said as he looked my direction and shrugged.

I nodded my head sheepishly.

“Well,” she began.

“The Light, Medium, and Super have to do with menstrual flow, not size,” she whispered.

“But they’re different sizes,” Ripp explained as he once again poked the box with his finger.

“The large ones are more absorbent. The smaller ones less,” she smiled.

“Shit, Dekk, you learn something new every day,” Ripp grinned as he dropped the box into the bag.

“Here’s your change,” she smiled as she handed me my change from the purchase.

I reached for the pen which sat beside her register and pulled the receipt from the slot in front. After I signed my name, I handed it to her and smiled.

“Tell your father I appreciate the support,” I said as I picked up the bag.

“Okay, thanks,” she grinned.

As we walked out to the truck, I shook my head, “I’m glad no one saw that.”

“Why?” Ripp asked as he began to walk around the vehicle.

“Well, it’s embarrassing. I’m just glad no one knows,” I said as I unlocked the car.

I opened the rear door and placed Casey into his seat. As I buckled the seat belt, Ripp stared across the width of the vehicle as he buckled Jessie.

“Yeah no one but her dad, your biggest fan,” he laughed.

What?” I asked.

“Dude, you just signed a receipt for her dad. It’s gonna say seven dollars and whatever cents. And on the side it’s gonna give a description of what you bought. Small Tampax,” he laughed.

Sometimes it is as if we can’t win when it comes to women. Other times, it’s as if we can’t lose. As I began to back out of the parking spot, I turned and looked through the interior of the vehicle and out the rear window. As I did, Casey smiled and attempted his best version of speaking. Every day, he seemed to change a little more. Become a little more able and a little more mature. But, no matter what, he’s our son and he’s incredible.

I guess, all things considered, I’d have to view myself a clear winner.