KACE. I truly believe the greatest gift God has ever given me was Shane Dekkar. He changed my life and allowed me to see things in myself I would have never seen without his guidance. He taught me what love was truly about, and how to accept it without becoming self-possessed. Today, I am a truly different person, and I have Shane to thank for opening my eyes. And although he is the greatest gift ever, he’s like any other gift; he can be returned for a refund if he doesn’t quite fit.

Standing just inside the doorway, unshaven, filthy, and tattered, he attempted to plead with me.

“Babe, I’m sorry,” he said softly.

Standing at the edge of the kitchen island, I looked up from my making my sandwich, “Don’t you dare babe me.”

“You didn’t go on a ride with the boys, Shane. You didn’t get drunk and end up at a titty bar. Hell, you could have cheated on me and I’d have felt better. No Shane, you didn’t do those things. You left me. You fucking left,” I hesitated, picked up my sandwich, and gazed down at the bread as I squeezed it angrily in my hands.

I looked toward where he stood and cleared my throat, “You know what kind of bread this is?”

He stared at me blankly.

“I asked you a question, Shane. Do you know what kind of bread this is?” I shouted.

He shook his head slowly.

I swallowed heavily and cleared my very emotional throat once again, “Honey wheat. You know why?”

He shook his head and shrugged his shoulders.

“Because I like it. And I don’t have to buy that multi-grain dirty tasting whole wheat healthy assed bullshit bread, Shane. Do you know why?” I raised the sandwich to my mouth and took a huge bite.

Before he had the chance to answer, I spoke as I chewed, “Because you like it. And you don’t live here any longer.”

“Baby…” he began to try to reason with me.

“I told you once, don’t baby me. Do you have any idea how hard this has been? Do you?” I asked as I walked out of the kitchen and toward the dining room.

“I can only imagine,” he said softly as he began to walk into the house.

I stopped half way into the dining area and pointed toward where he stood, “Stop right there. Do not come in my house, Shane. And you’re right, you can only imagine. And I’ll tell you why you can only inagine. Because you weren’t here to see how hard it was; you were gone. Gone. You could have been dead. Six fucking weeks, Shane. Six weeks. Some nights I wished you were dead. You know what? Ripp’s gonna kick your ass. You know that, right? He is. You know why?” I hesitated and raised my eyebrows.

Before he attempted to respond, I provided the answer, “Because he cares.”

“Kace, I love you. I’m sorry,” he whispered.

I sat down on the couch and took another bite of my sandwich as I watched him shift his weight back and forth on his feet. Standing there in his shitty boots and a pair of ragged blue jeans, he looked like a homeless man. I loved him with all my heart, but what he had done was insensitive, uncaring, and it hurt. Especially now, when I truly needed him to be here for me, it was painful. A far different pain from being hit, kicked, or slapped – it was an emotional pain from having the man you love not meet an expectation you probably took for granted.

“Let me come hold you,” he whined.

“Oh hell no. No sir, you won’t do any such thing,” I shook my head as I swallowed my food.

“Hold me? I don’t want you to touch me. You’re a stranger to me, Shane. I don’t even know who you are. I would have never guessed. Never. It’s been six weeks, Shane. Six weeks – a month and a half,” I looked up toward the ceiling and counted.

As the anger built up inside of me, I stood, “Forty-two fucking days, Shane. Forty-two nights. You want to know who’s been taking me to my appointments?”

He shrugged his shoulders again and nodded his head sheepishly.

Standing with my sandwich clenched in my hand, I felt as if I was going to start to cry. As I fought back tears, I squeezed my sandwich tighter.

I cleared my throat and raised my voice a little, “Well, I can tell you who it wasn’t. It wasn’t you. Vee. Vee took me sometimes. And Ripp, he drove me. And guess what else he did, Shane? He held me when I cried. And he told me he loved me. And guess what Ripp didn’t do? Ripp didn’t fucking leave me.”

I threw my half-eaten sandwich at him and began to cry.

He dodged the sandwich and started to walk toward me.

“Don’t. I mean it. Right now I don’t want you to touch me,” I cried as I pointed in his direction.

I reached up and wiped the tears from my eyes with the palms of my hands as I tried to regain my composure. “Right now,” I paused.

“Right now, I want you to hurt. I want you to feel the pain you put me through, you insensitive prick. You know what Shane? You taught me how to stand up for myself. And guess what? Guess what? I’m doing just that,” I hesitated, wiped my eyes again, and attempted to swallow.

I pointed toward the door he stood in front of, “Get out of my house, now. Get. Go stay with Ripp. Or Alec. Or in the gym. Or wherever you’ve been for the last six weeks. But tonight? Tonight you’re not welcome here, because this is my house, mine and my baby’s.”

“I just…” he began to say softly.

“Get!” I shouted as I pointed toward the door.

Slowly, he turned and opened the door. After he stepped onto the porch, he turned to face me. His eyes swollen from tears, and his face covered with a look of shame, he gazed into the house blankly – as if in shock.

“Shut the door, I’ll lock it after you’re gone,” I said as I flopped onto the couch.

As the sound of his motorcycle disappeared, I began to sob. If Shane Dekkar was going to be included in my life, he was going to do so because I felt it was something I desperately needed. Something I couldn’t live without.

Not something I wanted.

And as I lie on the couch sobbing, I realized something completely.

I wanted Shane.