CHAPTER FOURTEEN

“If it’s between my filthy desire or her wellbeing. I’ll always choose her.” - Hawk

 

“Play a game with me?”

Hawk didn’t so much as blink since his mind raced to the dirtiest possible game he could think of. Getting her out of the PJ shorts she’d slipped into after a shower and his head lodged between her legs again.

Addiction.

Need.

Depraved obsession.

All of it was pulsing alive in Gia’s living room sitting on her couch with him like a crack head wanting a toke of the pipe one more time.

Yeah, he’d play that game for a fucking month and win every time.

Whether she guessed at his thoughts, Gia cleared her throat, dipped her head.

He kept himself on his side of the room with his arms crossed.

“This or That. Have you played before?”

“Not much for games.” Now or when he was growing up.

“Then you’ll love it.” She beamed crossing her legs Indian style and his eyes strayed to her inner thighs to the finger marks he’d left there. His pulse increased. “We can get to know all about each other.”

Watching her for years, he knew everything about the little bit of a thing. She’d been his only hobby and he considered himself an expert.

Not that he was telling her that.

Not yet.

“Coffee or soda?”

Huh. Not what he was expecting. “Coffee. Soda rots your guts.”

“Now your turn.”

She looked so happy sitting there with her hair pulled back and her face clean of any make-up that he would have swallowed bricks if it made her happy.

“Red or black?”

“Good one.” She grinned. “Black. It’s very slimming. My turn! Puppies or kittens?”

He scowled confused. He wasn’t an animal person. He was barely a people person. “Puppy, I guess.”

“Me too. I’d love to get a puppy.” Her game went on for thirty minutes. He learned she liked yellow flowers, cookie dough right from the tube and she was a fan of the Rockies.

“Do you think I'm pretty, Hawk?” She asked out of the blue, making his head explode, “like, if your friend -Not Rider- wanted to set you up with me on a blind date, and he showed you my picture, would you think hey that girl is pretty?”

The way she blinked all trusting wide eyed she was deadly serious.

The innocuous question reared up his head, grabbing him by the neck.

Hawk scowled viciously and curled his lip. How crazy was she to ask him that? He thought she was a goddamn goddess sent to earth. “Not doing this with you.”

“See, you can't even answer me!” She huffed hugging a cushion to her chest, her face pinched. “I'm obviously not pretty. I’m just a brain, overlooked by every guy. The last guy I tried to go out on a date with stood me up, he probably took one look at me and went back to Tinder. Would you have taken one look at me in my black mini dress and turned around, Hawk? Would you?”

He wanted to kill that guy. Really. Fucking. Slowly.

“You’re walking yourself into big trouble here, little bit.”

Her chin went up a notch. “What are you going to do, frown me to death? Ohhh, I’m scared.” She dared pout her lips at him. “Or something else?”

A pang sharpened in his throat. He wanted to nuzzle and lick and bite her right there where she was touching herself on the throat. He wanted to do extraordinary sweet things to that patch of skin until she mewled. She would mewl, Hawk would make sure of it.

His growl crawled across the floor, his gaze penetrating as he watched color creep up into her cheeks. He was so goddamn antsy he needed to get out of here. “If you want my mouth between your legs again you only need to ask, don’t provoke me with talk of other men.”

 

******

 

 

With her whole body on fire from one little intense stare Gia let her legs drop to the floor. In a couple of days, she’d be back in Colorado, so she was fast running out of time to cement commitment from Hawk.

She knew now he wanted her sexually. Yay. Her inner thighs ached from being split apart so much the last few hours. She hadn’t known a man could go down on her for that length of time and not ask for a thing in return.

Seriously, not a thing.

He never once unzipped his jeans though she clearly saw how hard he was and when Gia tried to reach for him he simply pried her hands from his waist and held them against her bed while he tumbled her into another orgasm.

But as for anything else… she was at a loss as to how Hawk really felt.

Maybe he just liked pussy.

On the train this one time to a seminar in Washington DC she’d read an article about a man being a ‘pussy-fiend’.

She didn’t know.

She wasn’t fully testing his patience when she asked about being pretty. Dating made her uncomfortable, she got performance anxiety to say the right thing to strangers. She was awkward and clumsy and tended to ramble about asinine facts when she was nervous and don’t get her started on her non-existent sex life.

So, what if she enjoyed hearing how jealous Hawk got.

Would it kill him to say she was pretty and ask her for a date?

He showed interest one moment and became taciturn the next it gave her whiplash—Gia had a very good idea about the way Hawk was now she’d spent real time with him without him running off. She’d suspected as much for years just from observing him slyly.

He wasn’t just a moody guy for fun.

Okay, he might be, moody suited him, he seemed the type to scowl for funsies.

But Hawk also showed all the signs of being on the highly functioning spectrum of Asperger’s syndrome.

There was anti-social and then there was Hawk. Some days he seemed to be in a whole dark world on his own. In part it might be one of the reasons he didn’t like being touched.

Unfurling her legs, she was up from the couch, closing the space, watching his blues narrow the closer she got.

“So, you’re saying all I need to say is I want you and I will get what I want?” A sexy tick worked Hawk’s jaw. Now she’d sheered him like a sheep, she couldn’t stop admiring his bone structure. He’d called himself ugly. He must be blind, because he was stunning. Every inch of his face was striking, lickable and she’d stared like a star-struck fan for hours.

“What if I wanted more than that?”

His brow cocked.

“What if I want to do the same for you?”

His nostrils flared, causing passion to burn in Gia’s tummy. She’d been on the brunt end of his rebuff so often the sting of it was still very real and she had to force the words to come from her lips. To be brave. “What if I wanted more, Hawk? To feel you on top of me. Inside me. To have my hands make you feel good.”

Before he could bolt, she made the speedy decision by straddling his lap, one knee either side of his legs on the couch. “Is this alright?”

Being this close to the mouth that had made her feel incredible, Gia’s middle section began to tingle with nervous energy.

Hawk’s eyes were blown to almost black.

“Hawk? Is this okay, or should I move?”

As his answer, his fingers creeped to her thighs and held.

She could have wept, she really could. Any forward step with him was a plus.

If she was right about his condition then he would struggle with people in his personal space, especially touch and understanding their emotions, even regulating his own. So, for him to sit and allow her the freedom to climb on his lap was a huge success.

It was like she could see the cogs turning in his brain trying to understand what she was doing.

From all his self-criticism it still wouldn’t occur to him she was attracted to him.

Though she ached to touch his face, to cuddle and love on him, her seventeen-year-old self was the devil on her shoulder telling her to pounce their man. She kept her hands at her side.

Small steps.

Some women loved chocolate. Gia loved a sociopath. (she also loved chocolate) and she loved him fiercely. Through dark days of rejection. Through months of not talking to him. She loved him. As much as that love had hurt her it was still the most real thing she’d ever felt for a man. Oh, she’d tried many times. Once in her early twenties she’d methodically went on dates every single day for two months to get over her stupid crush, to force her emotions to a better cause.

And every time she’d failed because at the end of the night she was comparing them to Hawk.

Unrequited love was a pain not many women spoke about.

And then Hawk came back into her life.

And Gia was back to full bloom of wanting everything from him.

“Nothing to say about what I want?”

When he looked down at her mouth Gia almost passed out. He had no idea what those eyes of his could make her feel.

He might not be a man of many words, but his eyes spoke volumes.

They whispered dirty, beautiful things and Gia was an expert in listening to them.

“That’s not gonna happen.” His fingers tightened on her hipbones causing a moan to trap in her throat.

“Why not? You must want something for yourself. I don’t believe you’re sexually altruistic, Hawk.”

His forehead screwed up.

He plucked her from his lap, sitting her on the couch and he popped up to his soaring height. Sighing, Gia knew one of his disappearing acts were imminent. If not for his babysitting duties she doubted he’d be here at all.

“Leave it, Gia.”

“No. I want to talk about it. I thought you were being generous at first. I got caught up in how good you made me feel.” Every stern line on his beautiful face tightened.

He wasn’t unaffected. Far from it if his body was a gauge. Why was this an issue? Didn’t all men want sex over everything? She’d heard the bikers joking around years ago of Hawk’s conquests. They ran into triple numbers if rumors believed. Yeah, that small fact tortured her ever since. So, he liked sex. It just appeared not with her…

Chin up, eyes blazing she met his stare head on. No longer intimidated by the harsh biker. Not when he’d shown how he felt. “You want me,” she stated. He remained silent. A tick working his strong jaw. She was somehow comforted by it, she was hitting the right marks.

“I won’t have you,” he replied sharply. “It’s for your own sake.”

He looked ready to jump through the window.

Gia took a second to reorganize her thoughts.

“You want me.” She repeated, “even now, I see your body wants me.” She went on before he could deny that too. “You’re possessive over me, you protect me, you called me your old lady to that Russian. That means something, Hawk.”

His blond head hanging low, hands on his slim hips, he could be mistaken for a statue making himself at home in the middle of her living room with the TV turned to mute and her sweet pea candle burning in the background.

“It’s not gonna happen, Gia. Drop it.” He grated with a rough tone that stroked over her nerve endings.

She scoffed, rolling her eyes. She recognized fear quite easily and he was denying himself for a reason. “You’re wrong.”

The stare pierced her. She felt touched. Between her legs became wet. “Where did you grow these brass balls, little girl, daring to tell me I’m wrong?”  His ice eyes brilliantly lit with exasperation. She nearly moaned, the attraction often came instantly and hit her like a truck.

Heat sizzled. She wanted to kiss him for a decade.

“If I wasn’t brave I’d get nowhere. And you’re fucking wrong. You’ll still be wrong when you can stop glowering at me and admit it.”

“Is that so?” He said it so quietly she shivered. Scratchy thickness in his voice.

Teasing him was so much fun, why hadn’t she done it sooner?

“I’m a sociopath, Gia. You should be pushing me away, not urging me to get into that pristine body of yours.”

A heat started in her chest and quickly spread to the rest of her body. While she recognized his attempt at shooing her away, all it managed to do was turn Gia on.

Her chest rose and fell quickly. A motion he noticed.

“All sociopaths have their weaknesses. Even you. And I think I’m yours even if you stupidly won’t admit it, you won’t see I’m right here.”

He inhaled hard. “And you know this how?”

“I study. You should crack open a book occasionally. And not Murder weekly.” She quirked a grin at him.

“Ridiculous.”

“Says the cranky self-confessed sociopath.”

He threw himself down in the armchair. At least he wasn’t running.

“So, argues the unrealistic little girl with her head in the clouds. You think you can rehabilitate me, little bit of a thing? Throw the savage a slab of meat, see what happens. There’s no rules with a sociopath, didn’t your psychology books tell you that? You stick your head in a lion’s mouth he’s gonna be a fat fucker an hour later.”

“I don’t have desires to rehabilitate you, Hawk. Just share in the same space as you. Maybe date and fuck.” She told him boldly with her heart beating like a damn drum. She’d never spoken so candidly like that to anyone before. But with Hawk being Hawk, she knew the only course of action was a truthful one. To always speak her mind and to never assume he could pick up on her thoughts and emotions. If she was correct and he was on the Asperger’s spectrum then he wouldn’t easily distinguish her bodily cues.

“You know your brother would murder me if he heard you say that.”

“Don’t throw Ambrosio into the conversation like you think it will deter me. I’ll call him right now and tell him I’m trying to date your brains out.”

Hawk’s eyes flared, and Gia grinned. Never dare a Marinos. “Want me dead do you?”

“The way you keep brushing me aside, I’m thinking it might be a choice to keep on the table.”

At that he smirked. “Smart girl.”

And then he added.

“This life isn’t for you, Gia. I’m doing it for you. I’m definitely not a man you need around.”

The fine hairs stood up on the back of her nape. Oh, he’d done it now. “So, let’s get this straight, because the excuses keep on rolling in and I think I might need to make a pie chart.” Both Hawk’s eyebrows went up. “First you say you’re not good enough for me. Now it’s the life you lead. What next? Maybe I don’t dress correctly to have a biker boyfriend? —”

“You’re fucking perfect.”

“—or is it I don’t have enough orgy experience? Tell me, Hawk, how many men do I need to fuck to suit you and this life of yours?” She shot out.

Seething and hurt at the same time.

When would she eventually learn?

She was getting tired of fighting both the world around them and Hawk.

Maybe he was showing her glaring clues he didn’t really want her after all.

“Stop right now. Gia.” She found her face grasped in his two hands, bringing her attention to the man towering over her. “Don’t put that fucking word on your tongue, are you hearing me? It’s me who is the piece of shit, me who isn’t good enough. I don’t want to drag you down to my level.”

“MY choice where I go and who I do it with, you don’t get to decide that.” She glanced around, but his thumb stroking her cheekbone brought her back to him. He had so much kept behind his eyes, so much he wouldn’t share with her.

“Don’t you ever get tired of being a sanctimonious jerk? You can pretend and lie to yourself all you want that you don’t want me, but don’t ever decide what is best for me, Hawk. Only I know that. If I want to roll around on the floor stark naked with the entire college football team and then go back for seconds I will because the last time I checked I was grown-ass woman more than capable to make my own choices of who I fuck and share my body with.”

An almighty rattle came out of that massive chest that quite frankly stunned her silent.

Not fearful exactly, she was always safe with Hawk but man oh man, he was looking like thunder.

“Say that again.” The words dripped from thinned out lips.

Eyes rounded. “W-which part? I said quite a lot, I can’t remember it verbatim.”

“You want to get naked and fuck a lot of someone’s, little bit? Is that what you’re telling me?”

She threw her stubborn chin up, glared at him. “Sure, why not, you don’t want to fuck me, that’s what you said. You get no say thereafter of who I have sex with be it multiple times or with hundreds of men.”

She’d poked the beast and the beast was snarling.

He took an excessive number of deep inhales then lifted his big blond head and hit her with two beams of blue.

“If you thought I was overprotective and possessive before, you have no idea how bad it can get. Are you ready for that?”

No words would come out of her mouth. She blinked.

“You're giving me an inch, Gia? Think about what you’re doing. I'll take a fucking mile. You have no idea how goddamn possessive I am over every part of you. Body, mind and fucking soul. Don't decide something you can't take back, because the moment it's made your choices are; me. That's it. There's nothing else.”

Hawk made her dizzy. His back and forth gave her whiplash. His every word floated around her skull. Her nerve ending buzzed like bees and she couldn't catch a full breath.

She'd spent some of her adolescence and all her adult life in love with this man never truly knowing him. Wanting him and willing to give up everything for him if he'd only given her one vantage of a sign he wanted her in return.

But it never came.

And for years she took crumbs when he deemed her important enough to reply pithily at the messages she sent his way.

She should be filled with joy at his declaration. it was, after all, everything she'd dreamed of for years but still it came with a side order threat of yet again what was best for her.

Her birthday candle wishes, her Christmas eve wishes, he was always it.

But as her heart soared, she looked at him, really looked … realization slammed her hard.

He was still warning her off him. 

 

 

******

 

 

Hawk felt ill. All he wanted to do was fall to his knees and worship her. To accept every scrap, she wanted him to have. To be whatever she needed him to be.

Couldn’t she see he said everything for her own good. To save her from the fucking monster waiting to prey on her. She was his one and only moral compass.

If left to him he would use her up until all her goodness was gone.

He swallowed, biting the inside of his cheek until he tasted blood.

This was why he couldn’t be around her.

He fucked up.

He had no idea how to be normal and Gia needed normal. A normal man to love her.

 “An animal with table manners is still an animal. Why pretend? You give me an in, it doesn’t even have to be much of an in, an inch at most and I’ll take it, use it, I’ll be the monster who preys on you, Gia, just mark my words, don’t give me a fucking in, quit looking at me all doe-eyed like I hang the moon, that’s not me, that’s some romanticized version you have of me.”

“Do you know what I’ve learned about bikers, the bikers I know in particular?” She asked, and Hawk rolled up a brow waiting. “You’re all egomaniacs chuffing up your chests, oh, I am big bad man stay away, grrrr.” Her fake baritone voice, presumably to mimic him and his brothers drifted back into her sweet tone. She was beautiful mocking him.  “And talk about sexist! I’ve never seen anything like it. Instead of assuming a woman can make her own decisions, can do her own thinking, it’s all…” again with the deep voice and her sweet pink lips puckered in concentration, she took her mocking seriously. “No, Gia, this is for your own good, Gia, grrr, chest beat, grrrr. Me man, me know best.”

He frowned. “I do not sound like that.”

She laughed in his face.

He had nothing to offer Gia and that’s what it all boiled down to. What was he, but a killer. What did he have? Nothing of worth. Sure, there was money, but she had her own, she was a damn psychologist for Pete’s sake, she’d graduated college a full three years early, she could choose to work anywhere in the world, marry any number of eligible guys; brain surgeons, scientists, fucking men who cured cancers. So, who was Hawk to think he had the right to toss his hat in that ring, to presume his worthless-fucking-self had a right to win her for his own.

He was bad inside and out and nothing was changing that.

Man, he wished.

The walls began to shrink and close him in until his lungs felt like they were seconds from bursting his desperation all over the fucking floor. He grabbed two handfuls of his hair.

“What do you want from me, Gia? For me to be the man who throws you up against a wall and fucks you like a freak? Make it hurt a little, get you to scream like a bad girl?” He watched her visibly swallow, her eyes going around before the flattened out when she realized he was talking shit, would never go through with it. “I’m not that man. Find a nice boring boyfriend who will fuck you on a Thursday and never give you a moment’s hesitation or worry.” Someone deserving of her love.

“So, then leave me alone,” she screamed at him. He was in no mistake those were angry tears sparkling her eyes.

“I’ve tried. I can’t. I fucking can’t leave you alone, Gia. I’m obsessed with being near you.” Cracks appeared in his mind, Hawk huffed in air like he was on the weed pipe, only this was no ordinary high. He let his head hang loose on his neck, hands on his hips, if he didn’t keep his fingers glued to his side he’d reach for her, wouldn’t he? He’d put his filthy fucking hands all over her. “Let me just—be near you.”

Gia laughed. A brittle noise without a hint of humor. “Do you know how cruel that is to me? You want to be near me, but you don’t want me. Are you that cruel of a man? I can’t cope with this, Colton. You come close enough to stir me up, to get your fix then you back away just as fast. You’re making me dizzy.” Her voice broke. Just totally snapped in half.

“I’m no good for you. I wasn’t then and I’m even worse now. Is that who you want? What you want in your life? A man who has hurt people, who enjoys it. I’m trash, Gia. But I can’t stay away from you. You’re in my fucking blood.”

“Is it so bad if you need me? That’s all I want.”

“Need? I passed need long ago, little bit. I live in my own starvation until it chokes me.”

“Oh.”

And then again. “Oh.”

“Don’t you see I don’t take what you wanna give me ‘cause we both know you deserve someone better.”

Her voice was devoid of the emotion she’d had a moment ago. “That's all well and good, Colton, on paper I would probably go for that boyfriend, I bet he'd pick up groceries and take me to romantic movies on valentine’s day.” Hawk's jaw cracked. What a putz, he'd kill a man for putting a hand on her. She belonged to... he stopped that train of thought, she didn't belong to him now, then or ever.

“But, even as you stand there now with lust burning your bones while you look at me, it's not always easy choosing what is right. I want you, I've always wanted you.”

Why couldn’t he just tell her his truth? Just tell her once and for all why he was trash and not good for her. She wouldn’t try so hard to get him to change his mind, would she?

Hawk swallowed around the rock in his throat. The hurt on her face destroyed him. She rose from the couch and turned her wet blue eyes on him.

He was trash.

Evil.

Fucking unworthy. Look how he’d hurt her without even trying.

“I think you need to go, Hawk.”

He narrowed his eyes.

“I can’t have you here. I’m hearing you finally. Just get out, please.”

Just like that she turned and walked out of the room, her soft footsteps taking her up the stairs.

And Hawk rooted to the floor felt his heart wither to dust for hurting her.

He grabbed his jacket and did as she asked.

It was the least he could do for once.

To just go and leave her be.

He locked up and he rode with the voices inside his head for company.

It was always that way.

Just him and his self-loathing.