CHAPTER FORTY-TWO

“Suffering.” - Gia

 

He wouldn’t let her near him.

She tried to go to Hawk. To wrap her arms around him and he shrugged her off by pacing the length of the kitchen until a chasm of space was between them.

She felt his detachment in the way he locked his arms around his chest.

Why did she make him talk? Look what it had done to him. This was the Hawk she knew. The aloof, closed off, dangerous, unbalanced man. The one who would stare at her and dismiss her with a blink like she meant nothing.

Only she knew different and he’d grown into someone more open the more time they’d shared. Until she’d stupidly thought it was a good idea to know everything inside his head.

It was for his sake.

Don’t fucking lie to yourself. You wanted to know everything about him.

Her heart cried for him.

For the little boy he’d been. Alone and uncared for. Mistreated every single day of his young life. Making your own child sick to gain sympathy… what kind of monsters raised him?

Over the years gleaning only snippets about Hawk like an obsessive fangirl, feeling his cold animosity as well as his heated stare that gave her mixed signals. He’d felt something for her. She was young then, she grabbed his attention however she could. Even emotionally destructively, she’d derived a thrill from that negative attention from him and though in her profession she could claim it was dysfunctional to a point to rely on that kind of devotion to fuel her heart, she’d lived for those short moments with him. They’d been everything.

She loved a broken man.

Luck had been on her side, along with a lot of tenacious energy on her part and here they were now, on the cusp of something real.

She tasted his love. She didn’t need the words to know how he felt.

And her heart was torn into a million pieces for him. She was screaming inside to help him, to protect the small boy, he’d been and guide the man he was today.

“Hawk, come and sit down, baby.” She approached him the same way she would a skittish animal and when he let her take his cold palm to lead him into the living room her heart hiccupped with relief.  Her man was in there somewhere behind his closely guarded cold armor.

His confession was spring boarding through her mind.

Hawk had pulled her into his gray world. There was no way she was leaving it now.

On the couch she tucked her legs under her, his hand still surrounded in hers, she stroked with her thumb. Khaleesi Stormborn, hated being left out, that little drama diva and she whined to climb up, too. Once Gia lifted her up she settled on Hawk’s lap.

“Do you know why I hate that guy from your office?” Hawk spoke suddenly. His free hand circling on the puppy’s belly as she shamelessly laid there with legs in the air for attention.

Leo. He’d taken an instantly disliking to him, much to Gia’s delight to witness his jealousy She was devoted to Hawk in every way that no other man could ever penetrate through.

“Why, baby?”

“He’s everything I’m not. I watched him smile at you and hated his fucking guts because in that second of him walking into your house, I could see you with someone like that. Having a normal life, with a happy guy who isn’t fucked up in his head.”

“No one is like you, Hawk.” She told him. “No one could be you. And I don’t want you to be anyone else.”

His blues looked on like he thought she was lying. Her poor sweet man, more broken then she’d suspected.

“You know you shouldn’t love me.”

“I do. Infinitely. Majestically. Forever.”

He snorted, and a cocky blond brow lifted towards his hairline. “Majestically?”

“Yes. You’re my unicorn.” She smiled sheepishly. “So, you’re stuck with me and you know how stubborn a half Greek woman can be. Plus, I’m a Marinos and your stalker. That’s a trifecta, baby. Might as well just give up now.”

“I thought I was your stalker?”

“With forbidden love came great stalking, Colton.”

Silence drifted into the room and settled over them. The pup fell asleep from all her belly rubs and Gia sat quietly holding Hawk’s hand.

And then.

“I found out why I’d been blacking out and losing blocks of time around my fifteenth birthday.”

Oh, god. Her heart beat like a hammer, every crack and crevice filled with a little boy’s pain carried into adulthood. She knew she had to listen to his story, but her belly twisted into hard, painful lumps, she needed to keep it together for her man.

“Maybe she didn’t drug me with enough. Maybe she wanted me to wake up. I don’t know. Didn’t stick around to ask. By that time, she’d become unhinged. She’d accuse me of conspiring with Xavier to take me away. I hardly ever fucking saw that man so where she got that from is something only she knows. I began rebelling against her strict ruling. I was tired of being at home, never having a life. I went to a skate park this one day and she went ballistic, a total freak out. To calm her down I told her I was sorry, and I wouldn’t do it again.”

Slow, methodical, Hawk’s thumb brushed her palm.

“I could have understood better if she’d beaten me. She was just … odd. Unstable, highly erratic and heavily into her bible, it got worse the longer Xavier stayed away with his other families. Overly possessive, but she’d change into a whole new woman if Xavier stopped by. Some fucker did me a favor and killed him around that time. His church said he’d been sent on a sabbatical, but I heard things. It was years later the truth about his crimes came out.”

“What happened, baby?” Placing her free hand on his chest, his heart was rapidly thumping. She leaned in, kissed his ear, whispering. “I’m right here with you, Colton. I’m not going anywhere. I swear it. This is for you, let it out.”

“It might have been months after she’d last seen Xavier.” His voice turned robotic, almost as if he were not recalling his past and reading from a menu. Gia swallowed and squeezed his hand. “As I said I don’t think she gave me enough whatever drug she was slipping me to keep me under control. It was a strange, heavy sensation. I usually woke with no recollection of my black outs, just a throbbing headache and nausea grabbing at my belly. The seizures, she said. The reason I had to stay inside so I didn’t have one when she wasn’t there to help me.”

Silence. One breath. Two breaths.

“It took only seconds for me to realize I was in my own bed. It was dark, and I remember the shadows made weird patterns on the wall. She was on top of me, Gia. She had me inside her fucking body.”

Expecting it, but the moment he said the words Gia’s heart stuttered like a bomb had been ignited inside her chest and she forced her sob back down her throat. 

To feel such instant hate for a woman she didn’t know rising within her, it was strange and very fucking real to know if she saw Hawk’s mother she would stab her, hurt her, claw her fucking eyes out, just like she’d hurt Hawk.

Biting the inside of her cheek until she tasted blood, she tried hard not to outwardly react, fearing he would put her feelings above his own. And Hawk needed to expunge this. Hate and bile collided inside her.

“Even now, it’s odd to swallow she was fucking her own son. It was a nightmare I’ve never woken up from. I want to believe that was the first time, but from the timetable of my blackouts she’d been doing it for a year or more. I lost my virginity to that cunt of a mother. I don’t remember any of it apart from that one night. I felt like I was outside my body. It felt like days until I became unglued from my own mind screaming. How the fuck was it even happening? She was my mom. A fucking nutjob, but my mother. I remember hearing screaming until the rawness in my throat told me it was me doing the screaming. She’d tied my fucking arms to the frame. I wondered for a long time did she tie me every night? So many fucking questions about how and why have plagued me. I’d never seen her so petrified when she realized I was awake.”

Hawk fell into silence, his gaze on their hands locked together. She squeezed them tightly. “What happened next, Hawk?”

“Jesus. Fucking hell. It was crazy, Gia. She climbed off me like it was nothing, untied my wrists and left me there stunned and disgusted, told me to go back to sleep. To go back to fucking sleep.” He laughed harshly. The tick working furiously in his jaw. “Like it had been no fucking big deal she was screwing her unconscious teen son like a fucking whore. I was still so stoned out of my mind, couldn’t hardly stand. I puked on myself, puked on the floor while I tried to get myself dressed.”

Pressing her face into his shoulder, Gia slipped her arms around his waist, sobs trapped in her chest. “I called her every vile name I could think of. And you know what’s laughable? She acted like I’d done something wrong by waking up. You should be asleep, Colton, she kept saying. I’d never wanted to kill anyone, but I could have easily strangled her right there. She tried to stop me from leaving, begged me to stay. I shoved her off me, threatened her with the cops and I didn’t see her again until years later.”

It was worse. His past had been so much worse than ever imagined.

“Hawk … I.”

“So, that’s all there’s to know about me, Gia. The reason for the man I am.” An exhale gusted out of him like he was relieved finally.

“What happened to you afterward?”

“I lived on the streets for two years,” she frowned. “Those were some hard days and nights. I stole most days. Got beat up a few times. Dark shit happens on the street. But I was living. For the first time in my life I was truly living, and I loved being free. I loved it more that I was away from that house and her.”

For his bravado he’d still been a boy. He must have been terrified the entire time of living rough.

Thank god for Ambrosio finding him.

When he’d finished talking she was sobbing quietly until tears soaked her shirt and dripped onto their clasped hands. “No one will ever hurt you that badly ever again.”

“Gia…”

“I mean it, Colton. I will kill them.”

“Gia… “

“I will kill them.” She vowed into another sob before she flung herself into his chest, wrapping her arms around him she held on and wouldn’t let go, just let him dare try, she wasn’t letting go. “No one will hurt you again, sweet man. Not on my watch”

“Is this your watch?” He asked soberly. Her arms clutched him to her, his warmth soaking to the soul.

“Of course, it is. You’re mine. I will put your pieces back together.”

“Gia…” it was the third time in a matter of minutes he’d said her name and each time sounded like a strangled prayer.

“Why is she calling you now?”

He sneered, marring his beautiful face. “She crawls out from under her rock several times a year for money. It’s easier to pay her off than it is to deal with her.”

“Does Ambrosio know any of this?”

“He knows what happened to me. Not that I pay her off.”

“I need a drink.” Gia staggered to her feet, made it to the kitchen and leaned her head over the sink trying to breath and regather herself.

Feet alerted her to his presence. Turning, his eyes burned into her and Gia cleared her throat, grabbed the bottle of scotch and poured him a hefty glass. She hated hard brown liquor but considered downing it all in one gulp.

“I’m so fucking full of fury, Colton. I can’t think past how angry I am for you.”

“It’s done and over with now, Gia.” He scowled. “I didn’t tell you, so I’d upset you.”

“I can be upset!” She fumed. “Those fucking assholes. Disgusting bitch. Where does she live? I’ll go there and show her what I fucking do to a piece of shit. Are any of those basement people still living? I’ll kill them too.”

Madly, she paced and grabbed the scotch out of his hands and gulped a good mouthful. Regretting it the moment it hit her throat. Oh shit, it burned so badly. Hawk rubbed her back through a coughing fit.

Realized he was laughing. “Fierce, little warrior.” He kissed the top of her head, took the glass from her, and crying again she flung arms around his middle, not letting go. “Every person I could find is no longer breathing.” He announced seriously.

She looked up at him through her wet lashes and told him truthfully. “Good.”

“Good? You’re glad I killed?”

“Yes. Fuck yes. I’d kill them all.”

Composed minutes later, she looked Hawk square in the eye. “You won’t ever say you’re worthless again, Colton. You won’t ever again call yourself a derogatory name. I mean it. None of that was your fault. That’s not who you are now.”

“I’m not lily white, Gia.”

“No, you’re not. You’re a criminal and a former man-slut with a list of heartbreak a mile long.”

He smirked. “Romanticizing the sociopath again.”

“My sociopath.” She went up on her tiptoes, urged him to her mouth. He kissed the corner and retreated.

She saw already he was going to back away from her. It was almost as if she could see seven steps into the future. Only, Gia wasn’t going to allow that to happen.

Hawk belonged to her. Every broken and cracked piece of him. If it took all the rest of her life she’d show her man what he meant to her. How fucking amazing he was. Every bad bone he had was hers.

That was how she loved. With her eyes wide open as to the kind of man he was today. Carrying his burdens like anvils around his neck. Tortured by the colors he’d painted himself to be.

She loved him. Worshipped him. And now he wasn’t alone. She’d never let him be alone for those memories to strangle him again.

Gia also knew one day Lisette Hawk would be taught a lesson she’d never forget.

 

 

******

 

 

With each minute that passed listening to Gia puke into the toilet, Hawk experienced his heart tightening with regret. Vomiting her guts up when she thought he was sleeping. Sickened because of his horror story no doubt. She’d given him bucket loads of her tears. His little bit hurt because of him.

It didn’t matter if his chest felt lighter, his brain emptied of noise. He’d made his girl hurt and for that he fucking hated himself.

The delusions of a man were lengthy when it came to loving something he shouldn’t.

And hope was a conniving bitch.

Braced on the side of her bed, his legs spread, elbows resting to his knees he watched that door open, light illuminating behind her when she stumbled out minutes later. She flipped off the switch and that was when she saw him, her pink lips rounded. “Oh. Did I wake you?”

He watched her shiver and Hawk cursed, got to his feet and grabbed her thick oversized dressing gown from the end of the bed, holding it out for her to slip both arms into. “You’re always cold.” He growled too severely, his own body coiled ready to take care of his old lady.

Shit.

Yeah, he’d said it.

She was his. Not that it was a surprise.

 “I’m fine,” she answered quietly allowing him to tie the belt around her waist.

“You need to see a doctor. It’s not normal to be cold all the fucking time, Gia,” encouraging her to sit on the edge of the bed he wrenched open the top drawer of her dresser and fisted out the first balled up pair of socks he found. They were long, fluffy and pink.

“I don’t need a doctor, baby.” Her reply came with a smile, her eyes on him when he went down on his haunches, began to pull on socks over her ice-cold feet, yanking them angrily to her knobbly knee caps. “Maybe I was just waiting for someone to warm me up, what do you think about that?” She questioned, laying her hand on his bare shoulder, heat and need and relief slid through Hawk like a narcotic, he allowed a second for his eyes to close to enjoy delicate fingertips roaming over his collarbone and down to his pec tattoo before he pinged them open. His voice, unsettled, rumbled. “Depends who’s doing the warming. I’m particular who gets to touch you.” He told her honestly, no point in pretending he wasn’t a deranged dog where she was concerned.

He’d told her his darkest, most disgusting secret already.

Him being possessive over her was nothing in comparison.

After that Hawk was an open fucking book for Gia.

Gia chuffed a laugh as he tucked her into bed, bringing the cover right to her chin.

“You don’t want anyone touching me but you, tough man, you stabbed the last man who tried.”

That’s damn right.

His eyes glittered watching her looking so smug.

He couldn’t get enough of just looking at her, mapping her face to memory and she didn’t ever seem to mind that he was a bit crazy obsessed over her.

Sometime later when he thought she was asleep in his arms, his hand going from nape to the base of her spine, his mind empty of everything. Only when she sighed did he speak. “Gia. I’m dumb as shit with most things. I don’t read what’s on a person’s face too well. But what I know, without any fucking doubt. What I know is whatever fucking soul I might still have. What hums through the hole in my chest you own is; if I had to drag myself through every bad shit piece of my Hell again because it meant at the end of it I would have you. Then I’d do it without a second thought. I’d go through it all again to know I had you to look forward to.”

“No more Hell, Colton. I love you so much.”

That was good enough for him. Being Gia’s … more than enough.

“Hawk? You said she drugged you. Is that why you don’t take food or drink from anyone?”

He stilled. She’d noticed that?

“It’s not something I’m comfortable with. It’s better now than it was.”

“You’ve let me cook for me.” Not much. But that was because he found he got a kick out of taking care of her needs. He liked providing for Gia. Being her man. “You eat at the diner.”

“You or the diner wouldn’t drug me, little bit.” He frowned against her hair.

It was just one more thing to make him abnormal.

Gia sighed and burrowed into him. “I’ll cook anytime you want me to, baby.”

“Sleep, little bit.”

“You’ve got me wrapped up like a burrito, I’m never going to be able to sleep like this.”

She did, minutes after he slid back into her bed and fixed himself to her spine. Gia slept soundly clasping his hand under her breast, short, even breaths that he counted to help him relax.

Hope began in the dark holding his tiny woman close to his beating heart. Hope that his darkness didn’t extinguish her beautiful light. Because as Hawk understood now, he was as intricately fucking attached to Gia Marinos as he’d ever been, and he’d rip out his guts before he let her go free.

His past would knock again. That much he knew.