My chest moved roughly with each ragged breath. Time passed achingly slow as I waited, gun still aimed on my best friend, my eyes now on the girl just in front of him.
She stood still, her wounded eyes fixated on me as she swayed slightly, as if in a daze.
A jolt went through her body when Johnny collapsed to the floor behind her, and I slowly lowered my gun, but was unable to move.
I needed to check on Johnny, but I knew there was no reason. I knew where I’d shot him, and I could see the dark blood rapidly spreading out from beneath his head.
I needed to go to the girl in front of me, but didn’t know how to. She’d buried herself so deep in my heart, but her presence there suddenly felt toxic. She was everything I loved and everything I hated. I wanted to worship her and watch the life drain from those cold blue eyes.
I had absolutely no fucking clue who she was.
I watched numbly as Kieran knelt in front of Johnny to unnecessarily check his pulse, moving quickly to grab the knife he’d thrown into Johnny’s wrist before taking Johnny’s gun and sliding it toward me. The same one Johnny had aimed at Ell—Lily when she’d started running from him.
Johnny had always been destructive, but I’d spent our lives controlling his anger.
And I’d just killed him for it . . . over the girl I’d brought him here to kill.
Rage burned deep in my chest when Kieran grabbed El—when he grabbed her, turning her so she was no longer facing me and lifting her head to examine her neck. A string of mumbled curses left him, his voice sounding off from the ringing in my ears, before he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her back toward the wall.
As soon as he hit it, he slid down to sit on the floor with her in his lap.
My finger twitched along the barrel of the gun and my jaw ached from how hard I was clenching it.
I wanted to rip her away from him.
I wanted to punch him again for everything he’d forced me to do over the years.
I wanted to destroy him for ever touching something so perfect.
And I wanted to hate her.
But fuck if it didn’t hurt seeing them like that.
She looked back at me, her hands pressed against Kieran’s chest as she tried to stand.
“So this is you?” I asked, breathless. “This is it? It wasn’t just him you were trying to keep from me, it was this. And you knew the whole time.”
“No,” she said when she finally stood—with Kieran’s help because he still refused to let her go. “No, not the whole time.”
“How long then?” I yelled, my voice reverberating down the hall. “A year? Year and a half?”
“No,” she cried out. “I—” She turned to look at Kieran pleadingly, but he stood like a statue with his hardened glare set on me.
“She’s trying to get away from you,” I growled. “Clearly you never noticed the last couple years since she’s been fucking terrified of you, but this is what it looks like.”
“Stop!”
But I didn’t know who she was talking to because Kieran had set her aside and taken a step toward me. My finger twitched closer toward the trigger, but before he could take another step, Elle situated herself between us and shoved Kieran back.
“Stop.”
For long moments she stared up at him, her hand pressed firmly to his chest like she could keep him from moving . . . and somehow she did.
Turning, she looked at me with the most pained expression. “I was terrified of what Kieran would do to you if he ever found out. I was terrified of what the two of you would do to each other when I realized who you were. I hated my life here . . . but I’ve never been afraid of him. I’ve already hurt him enough, don’t make this worse.”
“Hurt him?” I asked on an incredulous laugh. “You’ve been fucking lying to me, Elle,” I growled and dragged a hand through my hair. “Lil—I can’t even say your goddamn name.”
“I’ve never lied to you, you would know if I had. I told you as much of the truth as I could.”
“Half-truths are still lies. Omissions are still lies.”
Through the moonlight coming in through the windows, I could see the tears pooling in her eyes as she stepped away from Kieran. “I warned you,” she choked out. “Even before I knew who you were, I knew I wouldn’t be able to tell you about my life because the worlds we’ve grown up in need to remain hidden. My life had to since I was supposed to be dead. And you told me to lie to y—”
“I thought you were running from a shitty life,” I explained. “A boyfriend, a husband, something. I thought there was something else you were hiding that I was still trying to figure out. A kid—fucking something other than you being Lily O’Sullivan.”
“What difference does it make?”
I flung my arms out and yelled, “It makes all the difference. I look at you . . . Christ, I see your eyes and so much hatred builds up inside me.”
She grabbed her stomach, a strained sob bursting from her.
“I have spent my life hating those eyes. I have spent the last four years waiting to unleash hell on those eyes. I have spent the last few weeks dreaming of watching the light die in those eyes. Your eyes.”
Her head shook slowly, her chest heaving with her uneven breaths. “I’m not Mickey.”
“That’s all I’ll ever see.”
She bent slightly, her mouth opened in a silent cry as Kieran pulled her back.
“Put your gun away,” he ordered softly.
I shot him a look as I turned toward Johnny, and stopped when I saw Beck’s little brother standing a dozen feet away with a gun in hand.
“Conor,” Kieran bit out. “Put your gun away.”
Conor looked between Kieran and me a few times before reluctantly doing as ordered, his tense stance relaxing when I holstered mine as well.
Bending to grab Johnny’s, I slid it into the back of my pants then fought against the pain in my leg as I walked over to where he lay.
“Anyone else on property will be rushing in here in the next few seconds to find out what that gunshot was. You should go.”
I slanted him a glare and curled my lip, but I didn’t respond as I bent to roll Johnny onto his side. I swallowed thickly, forcing back any emotion that rose because the people in the hall with me didn’t deserve to see it.
I wasn’t sure I deserved to feel it.
Grabbing his waist, I pulled him closer and gritted my teeth as I hefted him up, struggling to get him on my shoulder and back to standing when my leg was still threatening to give.
“Dare—”
“Don’t,” Kieran murmured, silencing her. But seconds later he was there next to me, helping me up.
“Get your hands off me,” I said through gritted teeth, turning so Johnny’s body was away from him. “You fucking begged for my help. You pulled me back into a world I spent years getting out of. And I hate you for it.”
He didn’t respond or give any indication he’d even heard me. And I didn’t care.
I started walking down the hall, my steps slow and unsteady, my jaw clenched as I passed where Conor was trying to hold Lily back.
“No. No, Dare, don’t do this,” she called out. “You promised. You promised me after.”
I knew what she meant as soon as the word left her lips.
“I love you,” she breathed. “Until the very end.”
“After, Elle. After.”
Without looking back at her, I murmured, “I lied.”