I pulled my arms through a kimono as I walked from the bedroom to the kitchen half an hour later. My hair was still wet from the shower, but after how long and exhausting the day had been, I needed coffee just to get through drying it.
My pace slowed when I rounded the corner out of the hallway into the main area of the house and found Beck and Kieran talking in low tones.
There was no point in turning around and pretending I hadn’t noticed them. Kieran would’ve already known I was on my way out there long before I’d ever seen or heard them.
Wrapping the material of the short kimono around my waist so it would cover my bare thighs, I stepped closer to the guys but didn’t interrupt them, and they didn’t say a word to me even when they glanced at me.
Their hushed conversation didn’t stop until Kieran finished giving Beck his orders. Everything was said quickly, words and sentences clipped, names in code.
Codes I knew, of course. Words I could’ve caught if I’d actually tried to pay attention.
But there at Kieran’s feet, taking all of my focus, was his dad’s old military backpack. The bag that had been stashed in our closet for years, waiting for the day we ran from this life.
After what had just happened between us, I wasn’t sure how much more pain my heart could take before I finally started tearing at my chest.
I’d known that something irreparable had happened before Kieran had left to meet with Mickey. But that didn’t mean I was ready to finally accept that the future we’d planned would never happen.
“You’re leaving,” I said as soon as they finished talking, and forced my gaze away from the faded green pack to his piercing eyes. Kieran reached for me but I took a step away. “You’re leaving?”
Kieran loosely encircled my wrist with his long fingers, and waited to make sure I wouldn’t pull away from him. “I’ll be back after I sort things out in Texas.”
The pain in my chest eased as his words sank in. “Texas?” I shook my head as I wracked my brain for any mention of the state before then. “What’s going on in Texas?”
For the first time ever, Kieran hesitated in telling me something about the business. His brow pulled low and his mouth tightened in a hard line as he stared at me, indecision clear as day in those eyes.
And it hurt.
All I could think of in that moment were the times Kieran and I had told each other our darkest secrets—things we’d never shared with anyone—and now he was keeping something from me. He’d been keeping something from me.
I wondered what else I didn’t know, but couldn’t ask because I was keeping a world of things from him . . .
The nightmares and an old friend.
Disguises, cherished notes, and an intoxicating bond I tried not to make sense of.
Guilt sat low in my stomach like acid.
“Our contact didn’t pick up a shipment, and no one has been able to get in touch with him for a week. I’m gonna check on him.”
There wasn’t a need to ask why Kieran was the one going to Texas even though it wasn’t his job to check on contacts. If he was going, he was going to make sure the contact wouldn’t have a way of talking. “I didn’t know we had a contact in Texas.”
“Well, we might not anymore.” Beck’s wry grin abruptly fell when Kieran set his cold glare on him.
“Why didn’t I know about this?”
Again, that hesitation from Kieran before he finally said, “There isn’t a need for you to know.”
“Since when isn’t there—” I began, but stopped when he picked up his bag and turned toward the front door. “Kier—”
“I’ll be back when I’m done.”
“Kieran.”
He paused and ran a hand through his shoulder-length, dirty-blond hair. A heavy sigh left him when he turned to look at me again. “I’ll be back when I’m done, Lily.” His tone was softer, his eyes now pleading with me to drop the issue.
As much as I wanted to stand my ground and demand to know why there was a contact in another state that Kieran would hesitate to tell me about, I knew if I mentioned it again, he would do what he’d been about to.
Walk away without looking back.
I swallowed thickly and started to step away from him, but at the last second rocked forward and hurried toward him. “Take me with you.”
A look of horror flashed across his face so fast I almost missed it before his cold, emotionless mask could replace it. “No.”
“Please,” I said soft enough that Beck wouldn’t hear me, and hated how weak it made me sound. I glanced quickly at Beck, then looked back to Kieran as I continued toward him. “It doesn’t have to be forever. All I’m asking is for you to take me to Texas with you.”
“No—”
“I can keep myself safe. You can lock me in a hotel room if it’ll ma—”
“I said no, Lily,” he snapped, his booming voice echoing off the walls in the house.
I jolted back, stumbling over myself to get away from him when he suddenly stalked toward me.
One of his arms shot out to block Beck from coming between us, but his stare never left me as his large hands grasped my shoulders and pulled me close.
Everything about him was magnificent and terrifying. The strength in his body and his grasp. The chilling combination of love and promised death that poured from him as he looked down at me, that beast inside him crying to be freed. And yet, all I wanted was to stay in this moment for an eternity. It didn’t matter what led to us being in this position, I’d never been in his arms this way . . .
I’d been waiting for this—begging for this—for as long as I could remember.
Kieran’s entire body was vibrating and his eyes were on fire, but his voice was hushed and pained when he asked, “Why do you keep fighting me when all I want is to keep you safe? Can’t you see what you mean to me?” His eyes bored into mine, desperate and begging for me to understand. “I won’t let a Borello within seeing distance of you. Now try to imagine the kind of men our contact in Texas and his associates are if I’d never let you in the same state as them. These men steal women. They buy multiple stolen women and keep them. If you were there, even hidden away, I would be too dis—”
“What?” I asked under my breath, jerking in his hold. “They what?”
There was no response, but I didn’t need one. Kieran’s expression told me more than I wanted to know.
An image of a woman, kicking and screaming as she was hauled into a van flashed through my mind. And then the image morphed to the woman standing in front of a room full of perverted men, leering at her as she shook and cried for someone to save her.
I felt sick.
“And you knew? They do this and you knew when you started working with them?” The bliss of being in his arms had vanished, and suddenly I wanted nothing more than to get away from him. I tried to pull from Kieran’s grasp but he pulled me closer.
“You don’t understand.”
“Don’t tell me I don’t understand, Kieran. There’s nothing to understand,” I said with an incredulous laugh.
“Lily . . .”
“How could you let that continue?”
“I tried to sever the ties with Texas. I’ve tried dozens of times,” he said in a rough tone.
“Oh, have you?” Disbelief dripped from my words.
His jaw ticked, but he didn’t respond as that beast inside him fought to be unleashed.
“You just met with my dad . . . so, on his orders you’re now going to Texas to silence this guy if he isn’t already dead. Right?” I asked, but didn’t wait for his response. “And all because he didn’t accept a shipment and has been missing for a week.”
Kieran blew out a harsh breath through his nose, his mouth forming a tight line.
“Whoever this contact and his associates are, you know who they are, and you know what they do. You’ve known.” Leaning closer, I whispered, “You’re an assassin, Kieran. If you’d ever really tried, he would’ve been silenced years ago. They all would’ve.”
His mouth twitched into a frustrated grin that bordered on a grimace as he released me, one of his hands moving to rub at his jaw. He started to take a step away, but stopped. “I had an important job here.” His questioning stare quickly ran over my body before meeting mine. “At least I thought I did.”
That same crushing pain from earlier came on so strong and fast, it nearly knocked me back.
I couldn’t take in a deep enough breath, and I couldn’t speak as he turned and left.
That force between us set into a thick, reinforced wall as I watched him go. As I understood exactly what he’d given us up for.
The mob would’ve been bad enough. But Texas? Knowing about it and allowing it to continue when he could’ve put an end to it?
It was unforgivable.
There was no saving us. Not anymore. Not from the resentment that now burned deep within me.
I flicked my gaze to Beck when I turned to go back to my room, but he was staring at a spot on the floor and didn’t bother with any excuses as I went.
Nearly an hour later, Beck came into the room with a tentative knock, his face wary as he looked at where I sat on the window seat, staring out at the property, seeing nothing.
Holding up a bag, he attempted a grin. “Conor brought these a while ago, but I wasn’t sure if you were ready to see me.”
“You knew.”
“About Texas?” he asked, then dipped his head in confirmation. “Yeah, Lil. I knew.”
“Does everyone?”
“No. Your dad’s advisor is the only other person who knows.”
I nodded for a few seconds then shook my head. “If it’s been going on so long, why is Mickey keeping it a secret? Why have the two of you been keeping it from me?”
Beck seemed to search for the right words for a while before he huffed and walked deeper into the room to sit on the bed. “I think you already know why, Lil. Mickey can shut a lot of people up about his business, and the guys in Texas can too. But the more people who know, the more risks they all take, so it’s not good to go around letting words fly about other people’s business. And for Mickey . . . this is big money. This is cocaine for the entire southern part of Texas. He doesn’t want to fuck it up.”
That sounded mostly right. Mickey liked to have control of people and places, and liked to make sure money was constantly flowing in.
But Mickey wasn’t humble about anything in his life. He didn’t know how to remain tightlipped about money and power. Especially about jobs as big as this.
I waited for more, but when there was none I asked, “And you?”
He let out a slow breath, his eyes finally meeting mine. “Because it’s a burden knowing what we do.”
“It doesn’t have to be. It could’ve been ended years ago.” A hard laugh forced from my chest. “Kieran could’ve ended it years ago.”
Instead of arguing, Beck just sat there for a while staring blankly ahead. Finally, he lifted his shoulders in a brief shrug. “Maybe there’s a lot more going on than you realize. Maybe there’re things involved that Kieran’s trying to protect you from, and he can’t protect you if he kills dozens of men in Texas.”
“Then he should tell me what’s happening. He should’ve told me all of it when he found out.” I gestured out the window like he’d be standing there then pressed my hand to my chest. “He used to tell me everything, Beck.”
“You used to tell him everything too,” he countered gently, the slight challenge in his tone emphasized with a lift of a brow. “But you don’t tell him about whatever has you waking up some nights, screaming. You don’t tell him about the shit the men say to you when they see you.”
Beck’s grin when Kieran entered the meeting that afternoon flashed through my mind. My eyes widened as suspicion hit me swift and deep.
“You told Kieran about Bailey, didn’t you?”
His mouth twisted into a wry smirk before falling. “Someone had to.”
“You didn’t . . .” My stomach twisted at the thought of what Kieran might have done after the meeting. “Beck, I told you to stay out of it.”
“Lil, something had to be done. You’re not standing up for yourself, and you won’t let us. Kieran had to get the guys in line.”
“Not by hurting or killing them.”
Beck rolled his eyes. “He didn’t, I was there the whole time. Kieran knows things that Bailey doesn’t want getting out. That was enough to make Bailey nearly piss himself and swear to never look in your direction again.”
As much as I couldn’t stand Bailey or his son, I was glad that for once, Kieran had kept the beast in check. The men already knew what he could do—knew how lethal he was. He didn’t need to make enemies within Holloway by killing off members because they’d said something to me.
“But like I was saying, you’re keeping things from him. I don’t know why, but I know you have your reasons, Lil. Maybe try to understand that he has his reasons for doing things.”
I steeled myself, gritting my teeth against the resentment I felt. “Women are being kidnapped and sold, Beck. There’s no excuse for what’s going on in Texas, or that Kieran hasn’t put an end to it.”
Beck suddenly went still, his expression solemn. “Sometimes we have to do what we don’t want to,” he said softly. “And sometimes we hurt people because of it. I’ve been selling on the streets for your dad for as long as I can remember. With every year that passed, I hoped he’d put me somewhere else—doing anything else—because I hated selling. I destroyed the only girl I think I ever really loved because of it, and I continue to on a daily basis. I watched her transform into a shattered shell of herself, selling herself just so she could pay me because her mom keeps herself pumped full of our supply. And she fucking hates me for it.”
“Beck . . .”
I’d heard about her, the girl he used to love. He’d talked about her often before he’d stopped talking about her at all. I’d thought she’d died. To Beck, she had. He’d wanted to take care of her forever, and to spite him for continuing to control and ruin her mom’s life, she’d started selling herself.
It had nearly destroyed Beck.
“I didn’t put an end to it, Lil. I could’ve, but I didn’t because I knew if her mom didn’t come to me, she’d go to another dealer. One who would take advantage of both of them like her previous ones had . . . and I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself.”
He shifted uncomfortably on the bed, his eyebrows drawn tight as he thought about what could’ve been.
He looked so exposed. So completely unlike the broad-chested, thick-necked drug dealer who’d been my best friend for so long.
“And now? I’m who Kieran trusts most, which means Mickey trusts me. So now I know all this shit I wish I’d never heard about. Wish I’d never seen. But there’s not a damn thing I can do about it. All I’d wanted was to stop dealing on the streets, but now I’d give anything to only be dealing on the streets. For my only job to be out there every single night so I can check on the girl I destroyed by saving her. You understand?”
I could, but only because I’d been raised in this life.
But I wasn’t sure Beck could understand me. Wasn’t sure he could understand the girl he’d destroyed or the women being sold in Texas.
“Kieran might know about things you don’t, and, yeah, he might not be putting an end to it. But there might be bigger things at work. If you fight him—if you fight what the two of you have and the way he’s trying to protect you—it’s going to destroy you.”
He stood to leave and had just gotten to the door when I called out his name.
“Knowing what you know now—seeing what she’s become,” I added, hinting at the girl he’d loved, “would you still do it all over again? Or would you try to find a different way to put an end to it?”
“There was only one way to end—”
“There’s always another way.”
He swallowed thickly and gave me a sad smile, his eyes dulling with torment. “I told you, Lil . . . it’s a burden. This whole life is.”