I miss Aidan.
There is no other way to describe the way I’m feeling. I’m in love with a man I can’t have and I’m being forced to accept it. It’s been three weeks since he left my apartment, taking my heart with him, and I hadn’t seen him since. I hadn’t been to class, and I think he’s avoided the quad like the plague, knowing I usually hang around there with Peyton between classes.
I try my best to put him out of my head while I’m in class, not wanting to destroy the straight A’s I’d been maintaining up until now. Despite the pain, I have to focus.
“Everything is going to be fine.” Peyton’s voice breaks me from my thoughts. “I let you be a recluse all semester. It’s time to have some fun.” Dave’s frat—the guys of Alpha…Pi…Tau…Omega…Epsilon, whatever they all sound the same—are having a party tonight and I’d been convinced that socialization was needed.
Peyton had gone above and beyond her call of duty, rarely leaving me alone with my thoughts and having crashed at my apartment so I didn’t dwell too much in the late hours of the night. She hadn’t pushed but she had learned what all my silences meant. She knew when I needed to get my mind off of it, and when I just wanted silence. There were moments when it hurt less, where I was able to get my mind off of it, but that usually involved an SVU marathon and sausage pizza. I’d taken up running as I tried to avoid the ten pounds I’d put on after my last round of “heartbreak.” And in those moments, where all I focused on was putting one foot in front of the other, I made myself forget him.
“I know. I appreciate you doing everything you’ve done for me this semester. You’re the best, Peyton.” And I mean that. Friends like Peyton didn’t come along but maybe once or twice in your life and I know she’s someone I’ll be friends with when CGU is a distant memory.
There were a few nights I let Peyton get me drunk and one or two where I’d gotten high, trying to numb the pain for just a second. The tequila made me sick for the first time in my entire life, and then I spent the night on my bathroom floor sobbing my eyes out. The weed successfully mellowed me out, but it also made me think. Too much. And then I ate an entire pizza in the span of forty-five minutes.
The wind whips around us and I pull my leather jacket harder around me. It isn’t cold quite yet, but the seasons are changing. With every day that passes, the weather ticks a degree cooler in the evenings and while I’ve learned that the weather here is fickle, I know winter is coming. I’d curled my hair in soft waves and it flows now in the cool wind behind me. “Don’t sweat it, Sky. This is going to be fun. Just maybe no tequila shots for you.” Peyton raises an eyebrow as we make it to the house.
There’s a guy outside smoking a cigarette with two other guys and he nods at Peyton. “Hey, P. Been a minute, where you been?” He takes a sharpie and puts X’s on our hands and she shrugs.
“Around. Been hanging at better frats.” She shoots him a cheeky grin in response to his pointed look. “Get out of here, troublemaker. Keg’s in the back.” He nods at me and gives me a smile. “P’s friend.”
I offer a wave and a small smile as we enter the house and are instantly met with the sounds of Drake. We push our way through the crowded house to the back patio and a group of guys surrounding the keg. “Peyton! Skyler!” I try to avoid the sinking feeling of seeing Dave, knowing that I’m going to be spending the night warding off his advances. He’s harmless, but he just isn’t who I want. “I had no idea you guys were coming, I would have gotten you guys house cups.”
A house cup, which I’d learned was every girl’s dream at a fraternity, meant you didn’t have to wait in line for beer. I should have been excited, but it usually meant the guy was getting something in return at the end of the night.
“All good, it was last minute,” Peyton says as he pumps our beers for us.
“I’ve barely seen you the last few weeks, where you been hiding?” He taps her nose and shoots me a grin. What a flirt.
“Oh, you know,” Peyton says with a flick of her wrist before grabbing her beers. “Let’s go dance, Sky.”
“I’ll be in later. Save me one?” He winks at me and I realize I haven’t spoken a word since we walked inside.
“Right, umm, okay,” I manage before following Peyton inside.
“You don’t have to dance with him,” Peyton tells me as she takes a healthy swallow of her beer. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.”
“I know…I just…maybe I should?”
“I support it!” She gives me a thumbs up as she drags me to the center of the circle. “Thanks for letting me drag you out.”
“Got to start moving on somehow, right?”
Peyton doesn’t say anything. She just stares at me with a look in her eyes that I can’t quite detect. Is it pity?
“Oh my gosh, Skyler!” I turn my head to see a familiar redhead come into view. She’s clearly intoxicated as she throws her arms around me. “It’s me, Lily…from Dr. Reed’s class?”
My heart constricts hearing his name and I try to clear the tears forming with a cough. “Right, hey!”
“I haven’t seen you in ages! Did you drop his class? I haven’t seen you!”
“No…I…I’ve just had a lot going on.”
“Damn, you must not need the extra credit points. Lucky bitch! I bombed his last exam. But it helps that he’s really nice to look at. So, I don’t mind sooo much about going to class.” She runs a hand through her hair before tucking a wild curl behind her ear. “He’s been weird though.”
“Weird?” I ask. I know I shouldn’t ask. I don’t want to hear anything about him. I’d severed all connections with him. I’d even deactivated my Instagram so I wouldn’t be tempted to stalk him. This resulted in an immediate call from my sister wondering who the fuck broke my heart now because that was the only time I deleted social media. Bitch.
“Yeah, he was like funny and cool before. Now he’s just rigid and straightforward. He doesn’t even hold office hours anymore. All communication is through email or when he holds a group session the week of a test. Word on the street is some teachers were speculating that girls cared more about him than his class. So, I guess he’s just trying to keep his job.”
“Right…yeah, well. I guess.” I’m not sure what to say to that. But I’m happy that he’s keeping all females at arm’s length.
“Will you be there on Monday? He hinted there would be a pop quiz…” She winced. “Just a heads up.” She downs the rest of her drink and wipes her mouth before looking inside her cup like she’s surprised it’s all gone.
“Oh… umm, maybe then.” My mind is all out of sorts hearing about Aidan. Between the booze we’d drank at Peyton’s earlier mixed with this revelation, I can’t form a coherent thought.
She cranes her eyes towards the keg and begins to walk away. “Cool, see you then! Bye!” She nods before bouncing across the room.
“You’re not going to go though, right? Aidan said you were straight except for the final? I’m sure he’ll ace you for the quiz,” Peyton presses.
My eyes well up with tears. “He’s not doing well.”
“I heard…Sky…” Peyton’s concerned blue eyes bore into mine.
“He misses me too.”
“I could have told you that.”
“Maybe I should go.”
“To class?”
I nod. “I want to see him. I miss him…”
“Skyler…what’s that going to solve? It’s going to make it hurt worse. You can’t look at his Instagram but you can see him in person?”
“Hey guys.”
I’m thankful for the interruption even if it is Dave wielding three shots.
“Thanks,” I say as I down the shot without waiting. The clear liquid burns the entire way down, but frankly, it’s easier to swallow than Lily’s words or the idea of seeing Aidan again.
My hair and eyelashes are perfectly curled, my lips bright red, and my eyelids expertly lined. I’d chosen a dress under my leather jacket that showcased my legs with heels to give me some height. I’m not sure what the purpose of my get-up is. Do I want Aidan’s attention? Do I want to distract him? Do I want to appear like I’ve moved on? That I’m not hurting? I’m not sure, but when he walks into the room, time stands still. His eyes lock on mine instantly, as if he’s been looking at my chair every class to see if I showed up. A ghost of a smile finds his lips before he turns to address the class.
His hair is a little longer and he has more facial hair than I remember. Fuck, he looks good. Really good. I squeeze my legs together as I try to ignore the ache between them. But then I remember the ache in my chest and decide focusing on the thump in my sex is better than the one in my heart.
Per Lily’s tip, we do have a pop quiz and while I know all the answers I can’t help myself from writing something else after the essay on the third page. I know Aidan grades all his students’ papers himself, opting to not have a teacher’s assistant, so I don’t have to worry about anyone else seeing it.
I miss you. I hope you’re well.
For a second I regret it. Is this a bad idea? What if he doesn’t ever see it? Or what if he does, but doesn’t care? I’ve written it in pen so there’s no going back. I rest my head in my right hand as I hear the shuffle of people getting up. I know I shouldn’t wait until the end, to be the last person to turn in their test, but as people file out of class one by one, I long for a second alone with him. I’d caught his gaze more than a few times, and I felt it on me even more times. Look away, Aidan, please.
The minute hand ticks to the ten, indicating the end of class, and I watch as the last few people in class scribble their last few answers in a panic.
“Time’s up, everyone left please bring your papers up.” I’m frozen in place. I’d been done since the first twenty minutes and I can’t force myself to get up. I’m terrified of seeing Aidan. I don’t know how long I stare at my quiz, wishing that I could just disappear when I feel his presence next to me. I look up, avoiding his gaze and notice that we’re alone. “Skyler,” he whispers.
“I…a little birdie told me we were having a pop quiz. I wasn’t sure…I mean…I thought I should be here.” My voice is timid and barely above a whisper.
“I would have told you if you needed to. I was going to give you an A.” His tone matches mine. I slide my quiz across the desk slowly.
“Well, now you can give me a real grade.”
“You look nice,” he tells me, ignoring my comments.
“Thank you.”
“Did you wear this…for me?”
I rub my forehead nervously. “Yes…I don’t know…maybe?”
“Skyler, look at me.” I do as he tells me and I feel my heart actually melt in my chest. He is so beautiful, it almost hurts to look at him. Thank God he’s hurting because I don’t think I would be able to handle seeing him smile with those beautiful dimples. He swallows and collects my quiz in his hand. “Have a good Thanksgiving.” He stands up without another word. I watch as he puts the papers in his bag and disappears from the room leaving me all alone. I doubt he even made it out of the building before the tears are flying down my face.
The drive to Connecticut is long as fuck. Six hours of highway upon highway. I would be sitting in silence if it weren’t for the fact that I would probably run my car off the road, fully hypnotized by the highway. But every song makes me think of Aidan, somehow. The love songs make me think of him. The happy songs make me think of us. The songs that speak of heartbreak and pain make me think of him. By the time I pull into my driveway later that night, I’ve cried four separate times and am currently in a fit of sobs. I don’t know how long I’ve sat in my car with my head in my hands when I smell lavender filling my nostrils. “Oh Bella, come in.” My mother’s nickname for me only makes me cry harder.
The next thing I know, it’s morning and I’m in my bed at home. I’ve been looking forward to this trip, hoping that some time away from D.C. would do me some good. The Skyler that lived in Connecticut didn’t know Aidan. She didn’t love him with every fiber of her being. I sit up in bed and rub my face before immediately checking my phone like I do every morning. Hoping, praying for a message from Aidan. At this point, I would take a drunk text he more than likely regretted the next morning. I just want some connection to him.
Maybe it’s time to reactivate my Instagram.
My door opens and my sister comes through it. My twenty-one year old sister is a senior at UConn and lives at home because she just didn’t quite crave the adventure I did. She stays in our guest house because she told herself—and everyone else—that she didn’t want to force any extra expenses on our parents. But I know the truth: she was scared and needs my mother for everything.
“You look like shit.” She pushes her glasses further up on her nose and tucks a long, dark brown lock behind her ear.
“Thanks. You can exit the way you entered.” I point at the door and lay back down, wishing that sleep could claim me before Serena Mitchell can throw in more of her two cents about my appearance.
She hops on my bed and smacks my body covered by my plush comforter. “Tell me about D.C. Do you love it?”
“What part of get out are you not getting, Rena? In case you haven’t noticed, I’m not in the mood for our bitchy banter.” My sister and I have an interesting relationship. It’s just her and me, and I’ll admit I spent a lot of my life being the spoiled little sister. She had been two when I was born, and I probably spent the next fifteen years demanding mom and dad’s attention. I understand her resentment. I own it. But it doesn’t stop me from giving it as good as I got it.
She pouts. “I’m going to go to the mall today. Do you want to come? You look like you could use some fresh air. Seriously, did you stop showering in D.C.?”
“I don’t want to go to the mall.”
“Why?” she whines.
“Because Serena, I don’t. Go away!”
“Because some boy broke your heart again? I swear Skyler…”
“At least boys fucking like me, now go away!”
I know it was a low blow, and something that Serena is sensitive about, but I just can’t. I’m pretty sure Serena is a virgin, but it isn’t something she talks about. She’s beautiful and an exact replica of my mother, yet she feels like she repels the opposite sex. Well, she is kind of rude to anyone that shows her any interest, so I guess that doesn’t help. “God, you’re a bitch.”
“I learned from the best. Please remove yourself from my room.”
I don’t feel her moving so I kick her to drag my point home. “Ow! Listen. What’s that shit you’re always preaching, huh? La vita va avanti, Skyler. You’ve gotten through heartbreak before, you can again.”
My heart thumps in my chest. “This is different,” I whisper and feel bad for being mean to Serena when maybe she is just trying to help the only way she knows how.
“How?”
“He’s the one,” I murmur. I expect a snort or a snarky comment or for her to remind me that at one point I thought Gabriel was the one. Instead, I hear a gasp.
“How do you know?”
“It’s hard to explain, Serena. It’s just a feeling.”
“Well, what happened?”
“You’ll judge me.” And she would. Serena took goody two shoes to a completely different level. She played by the rules, always.
“No…I won’t.”
“Liar.”
“When do I lie about anything? It’s what gets me into trouble.”
This is true, Serena has no problem telling you the truth about everything and she rarely hides her opinions.
“He’s my teacher.”
“What! Sky…”
I sit up and stare at her. “I fell in love with my teacher.”
Her hazel eyes are full of worry and confusion. “Holy shit. Is he…like old?”
“Older than me.” I shrug.
“Obviously. But I mean…like…dad’s age? Older than dad?” I’ll admit I’m surprised that this is her first question.
“No no.” I snort. “He’s thirty-two.”
“Oh.” She lets out a sigh and her eyes dart around the room as if she’s nervous. “So, what happened?”
“CGU prohibits any kind of relationship between students and teachers.”
“Well, yeah, just while you have him though, right?”
See! What kind of shit is CGU on? Are they the only school with this bullshit rule? “Nope. All four years.”
“Well, that seems excessive.”
“Who you tellin?”
“I’m sorry, Skyler.” She puts her hand over mine and gives me a sad smile. “And I’m sorry for being such a dick to you over that guy in Italy. I couldn’t understand…I didn’t understand. But I do now. I’m sorry that I was so mean to you.”
I snort. “Yeah, but I’m used to it.”
Her face falls into a frown. “I hate how we are sometimes.”
“Me too.” I wonder where this is coming from though. “Wait…” I snap my head towards her. “If you’re saying you couldn’t understand before but you can now, does that mean…”
“I met someone.” She grins from ear to ear and for the first time, there’s a happy thump in my chest.
“Oh my God, Serena!”
“He’s amazing. I’ve never felt this way ever.”
“Tell me about him! Wait…does this mean you’re not a virgin anymore?” I shake my shoulders at her and giggle.
She blushes and turns away and I have to say this might be the first time I’ve ever seen my sister embarrassed. “How did you know…?”
I cock my head to the side and raise an eyebrow. “I know things. Also, mom had my ass on birth control, but not you.”
She bites her bottom lip and nods. “Oh my God, how have I gone this long without knowing what an orgasm feels like?”
“You didn’t masturbate?” I raise my eyebrows at her. “God, where the hell did you come from?” I throw my covers off the bed and trudge towards my ensuite bathroom with her in tow.
“I didn’t know what I was doing, I tried but…I wasn’t doing it right.”
“Who masturbates wrong? Just do what feels good.”
“Nothing felt right.” She crosses her arms and I pull out the necessary items to wash my face.
“Well, I’m glad that you’ve finally come. That must be why you’re not so uptight.”
“Totally. I felt like the weight of the world was just lifted from my shoulders and all my troubles just melted away.”
“Sounds about right. What do mom and dad think?”
“Mom and Dad don’t exactly…know.”
I’m shocked that my sister hadn’t run to our mother while she was still coming down from the orgasmic high. “Oh? Why the secrets?”
“Ummm…well…remember how you asked me not to judge you?”
“Oh God, who is it?”
“Sky…” she warns.
“Okay, no judgment.” My heart races thinking about the fact that if Serena is asking me not to judge then it means she’s broken a rule.
“It’s Landon.”
“Landon…” I trail off as I run through a list of guys I know in my mind. “Is that supposed to mean something to me?”
“West…” She trails off again.
“Still lost.”
“God, Sky. Are you that self-involved? What is Dad’s firm called?”
“Mitchell, Frank, and…” I trail off before my eyes go wide. “OH MY FUCKING GOD! You’re fucking Dad’s partner!”
“SHUT THE FUCK UP!” She puts a hand over my mouth and squeezes.
I squeal under her hand and when she lets go I squeal louder. “Oh my God!” I giggle. “Dad is going to freak.”
“Dad isn’t going to do anything, because he’s not going to find out.” She shoots me a pointed look. Like I would ever rat her out.
“Well, if you love him, you’re going to have to. And hold up…isn’t he married?”
“He’s… going through a divorce.” I watch as she twists a gold ring on her finger that I don’t recognize. Is that like a promise ring? Perhaps now is not the time to delve into how far along on this divorce process, Mr. Wilson really is.
“Oh God, Serena…you’re in worse shape than me.”
“Gee, thanks.” She groans and slaps my arm.
“How long?”
“I’m interning at dad’s office for the semester and…well…”
“An office tryst, how hot.”
“It’s not. It’s scary as fuck. I swear to God, Dad has almost caught us twice.”
“Does he sneak into the guest house and make you scream?” I giggle, so happy that one, my sister is getting some and two, that she finally got that stick out of her ass.
“Skyler,” she huffs. “Don’t be so crude.”
“Oh, there’s my sister. I was beginning to wonder who the hell you were.”
The rest of the morning is spent hearing more than I think I ever wanted to know about a man that is only a few years younger than our father. It is the longest I’ve gone without thinking about Aidan, but my bliss is interrupted by an email.
You have a way with words, Miss Mitchell – A
I see that Aidan uploaded my grade for the quiz and it’s the only comment that makes me believe he’s seen my note.
Does that mean he misses me too?